Looking for advice

Hi thereI'm in my 40s and returned to unversity to get my degree in psychology. A casual friend of mine moved into my house with me to share the bills while we're both students. He is not a good communicator and seems to be defensive about a lot of things. For example, this morning a car pulled into the driveway and he was in the kitchen. I told him his ride was here and he answered, 'I know' in that tone that make you feel like you've said something stupid. It's like he doesn't want to admit that he doesn't know something. It's happened several times over the course of 8 months. He also doesn't respond to me to at all at certain times. We share groceries, and last week I told him that there was half a meatloaf in the fridge if he wanted it. I got nothing. No acknowledgement whatsoever. It's gotten to the point where I just don't bother talking to him anymore. I find myself gauging his mood on a daily basis, and weighing that against the importance of what I want to talk about. Nine out of ten times, I say nothing, and he rarely initiates a conversation on his own.
I have asked him a few times to open up a bit, and he says he will but then, nothing. I don't know if he doesn't know how or just that he doesn't want to. In either case, I'm often on pins and needles in my own home.

He does have some fantastic qualities, like kindness, generosity, and a great sense of humour, but it's sporadic, and on his terms.

I'm thinking of asking him to write a theraputic letter to aid us in communicating. He runs deep, but I don't think he has the tools to express himself in a meaningful way.

Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

What is your friend studying - he sounds normal for an engineer? Do you think there is something on his mind? Are there any patterns to his moods? Do you have any mutual friends who can help you understand what is going on with him? It is all very awkward, adults should maintain at least a veneer of civility. If this is not possible I am afraid you might have to find another to share your bills.

Honestly, I don't think any good can come from you asking him to write a therapeutic letter. He is your roommate, not your partner or child. I know it can be annoying to live with someone who is moody, but if he has other good qualities and pays the bills then let him be.

He can't or isn't interested in communicating verbally, but you think he's going to be able to belt out a "therapeutic letter"? You feel uncomfortable in your own home. You should write him the therapeutic letter, in which you describe the situation from your perspective and demand that he treat you with more respect, or you will begin recruiting new roomates on craigslist.

He's a social work student. Yes, he does have stuff going on his life. Yes, there are patterns to his behaviour. It's not out of the norm, according to his best friend, for him to spend a lot of time by himself. I like time by myself, too.

No, we're not a married couple, or a couple in any romantic sense. However, we used to prepare meals together, go see a movie, or watch tv together. I agreed to the roommate thing because I wanted someone to share things with. So did he. He's stopped sharing now.

He's not just a roommate. He is a friend. The money is nice but it's not a necessity. It's not your typical roommate arrangement but that obviously didn't come across. His moodiness affects me. I want at least a pleasant atmosphere, not one fraught with the undercurrents of anxiety.

I am not going to make demands on how he acts. That's ludicrous. I want to have an adult conversation with him but he shuts down. That's why I thought the letter was a good idea.

The only reason I have a roommate is because it is him. I'm not going to replace him if or when he leaves. It's a one-off situation.

Does he like living there? I might ask that. Men & women communicate differently; women tend to want way more than men IMHO. MofCS said something that struck me, is he an engineer? There could simply be a difference in wiring that means you require more (your major is psych, right?) & he less.
He is a roomy not anything more it seems. If he pays his portion and can be social on his terms, is not mean or in other ways intolerable ... I guess I wouldn't look to him to be more than that. I don't think he signed up to be your pal.
It sounds like the harder you try, the more he withdraws. Don't feel uncomfortable in your own home, but do adjust your expectations of this roommate & see if you can find a peaceful place in this.
Best to you ~

Thanks everyone. I'll answer some questions that were posted.

No, he is not an engineer. He is in Social Work, with a minor in psychology.

Yes, he has some things on his mind, but nothing out of the ordinary besides his job and his school placement.

Yes, I have asked his best friend about his habits and moodiness and it seems this is something more. He seems unhappy most of the time, but when I ask him about it, he denies it. I internalize it, and think it's something that I've done.

To clarify, he is not just my roommate. He is my friend. I was not looking for a roommate. He wanted to get out of his apartment and suggested we live together. Since I am strapped for cash living on student loans, I agreed. He moved in in June of last year and he was a completely different person. We had people over to barbecque, we went grocery shopping together, cooked meals and ate together, and did social things. I went to his nephews wedding with him. I spent the day after Christmas with his family.

I have asked him if he likes living here and he says yes. I have suggested that we open honest communication and talk about how the living arrangement is going. He says everything is fine, yet he practically lives in his room. He comes out when I'm not at home. My expectations were reinforced by his behaviour over the summer and fall.

So, yes, that's why I thought that letter writing might get him to open up. He's had counselling before, and plans to be a social worker. He knows the methods and the lingo. Maybe he's afraid he'll hurt my feelings. Maybe he feels he's not pulling his weight. Maybe he thinks he's doing too much and I'm not doing enough. Maybe he feels like I don't want him here. So many maybes. I just want to know so I can either help him or move on.

It does sound to me too like this guy just is the way he is. I don't think anything you do or say will make him more communicative.

I would try not to take his lack of talkativeness and moodiness personally. Don't moderate your actions based on how you think he will react. Just do what you want, say what you want, and let him deal with it. It's not your responsibility to make sure he doesn't get mad because you let him know his ride is there. It's okay to tell him, in moments like that, that he should moderate his tone.

Thanks, hvert. I will try not to take it personally. I agree that it's not my responsibility to make sure he doesn't get mad. If he gets angry or upset, that's on him.

We're going to see the Breakfast Club special showing on Saturday, and then to my birthday party. It's at a local restaurant. Maybe he'll open up a bit then.

I'm glad you're doing something fun like you used to

I think I missed some posts in between when I wrote my reply and hit submit - I didn't see all the stuff about your history with him and the social work classes.

What do you think would happen if you just told him what your boundaries were in terms of the way he speaks to you and acts around you? Sometimes people take out their frustrations on and act moody towards the people they are closest to. I don't like the idea of him snapping at you or you feeling like you have to watch what you say so you don't trigger something.

Was he living solo at his last place? Maybe he's feeling the lack of alone time?

I'm not seeing the reason for the emphasis on him opening up. I think that what is needed is for you to open up: to explain how you are feeling about the situation and ask for a response.

I'm a new member so my posts have been delayed. It's a bit frustrating, but I think I'm past the 5 post limit now.

It took me over a week to get him to talk to me back in November. He kept avoiding me. I asked him to come get me once the movie he was watching was over, but he went to bed instead. I sent him a text, but he wouldn't respond and just pretended it didn't happen when he got home. When I finally got him to sit down to explain my expectations, it didn't go well. He got defensive, and I ended up in tears.

There's a lot of stuff going on in his head that he's reluctant to tell me. I need to get him to open up. I understand that it's MY need, but it's important to me.

I have, and I get shut down.
Me: I'd like to talk to you about something.
Himno response)
Me: I've noticed the you've been keeping to yourself a lot these last few weeks, and I'm wondering if everything is okay.
Him: Yep
Me: If there's something you'd like to discuss with me, I'm open to it.
Him: No
Me: Ok,then I'd like to say a few things.

And then I told him how I was feeling, what I needed from him.

Him: Okay, I'll try to be more talkative. Is that it?
Me: I'd like to hear your thoughts on what I said.
Him: It's fine.

Even if he just said that he's stressed, or tired, or that he needs a lot of alone time, or something, and that it wasn't me or the living arrangements, I could live with that, but I get nothing. Do I just accept that we're two people living in the same house? He's changed so drastically since the summer. I invited him to live with me for friendship and companionship as well as for the money. Now it's just awkward.

Well, if what you just posted is typical of him, then it seems that he isn't going to be giving you companionship and friendship right now, for whatever reason. As far as I can see, you have a few options:

1. Give him more time and see if he changes to how he used to be with you.
2. Accept that this is how things are going to be.
3. Tell him that you are sorry to say that things haven't worked out and ask him to move out.

None will be easy.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Stop taking responsibility for his happiness.

You are becoming codependent.

He is a person who pays for a place to stay, that is all.

As a student, his primary concern is getting through school. Not providing you with the "friendship and companionship" that you thought would be part of the deal.

Either accept the person as he is, or ask him to move out.

Yep, that's where I was when I made my first post. My question is, because he has difficulty with face to face expression of his feelings, I wondered if writing him a letter and giving him time to write out his thoughts and feelings in a non-confrontational way would be a helpful. It's a helpful tool that allows people to gather their thoughts, write them out in a clear, succinct way, and not have to worry about getting interrupted. I think I'm leaning towards that. Writing it all out on this forum has added some clarity to the situation.

Thanks for your input.

If you read the previous posts, you'd understand that he's not just a person who is paying for a place to stay. He is my friend, and my concern for his happiness does not make me codependent; it makes me human. I am not asking for friendship or companionship per se. I have seen a change in his behaviour and it is concerning. It is affecting me as well, so I came here for advice, not ultimatums.