Dating and Abortion

Yes I feel bad I'm distancing myself from him without an explanation. He's been good to me and I feel he at least deserves to know why. I'm scared to tell him. Because of my past experiences I don't know what to expect but he's not violent or anything like that but I know he will be emotionally hurt.

All of this is going to "feel" different with time. It's pretty intense right now. You can be honest & let him know that you like him but are not interested in a relationship and it would be unfair to lead him on.... I wish more men from my past would have shown me that type of honesty..

If you are not interested in a continued relationship with this man you should probably try to be upfront with him on that point. If it is simply that you are now in the situation of needing to have an abortion and you don't want to argue over the abortion with this man so you are opting out of the relationship that is a bit tough...

To put it simply, if you are not interested in a future with this guy for reasons other than the abortion then tell him what those reasons are and keep the abortion to yourself.

If the degradation of the relationship was brought on by the fact that you now have to get an abortion then I would advise you to maybe consider telling him and to do it sooner than later.

One thing to remember, though, is that there are so many moving parts to this equation that there really isn't a set right answer. It just comes down to what works for you without causing too much emotional baggage.

I do want to make an observation that may not be popular...if this is your second abortion and it is evoking negative feelings (relating to the first) then perhaps you should re-evaluate your birth control methods to ensure that you do not have to face this terrible trauma again in life.

I am not judging as I am pro choice and have had an abortion myself. I am just worried for you. Accidents happen but there are a lot of options on the market these days like plan B (now offered in most states at your local pharmacy for a minimal fee). Condoms are free as are bc pills at planned parenthoods nationwide, and then there are even options that are not as well known such as spermacides. No matter what the method of birth control there is the handy and helpful plan B that can be used in conjunction with any of the above mentioned bc methods. It gives you peace of mind if used properly.

I know that even though I was too young to have a child and opted for abortion myself - it put me through quite a lot emotionally. After that point in my life, I made a pact with myself that I would not ever go through the terrible trauma (on both my body and my emotions) ever again and would do whatever I could to avoid it. I was on the pill and took it religiously and I always had plan B ready in my medicine cabinet in case I was ever not sure if my bc failed due to being on antibiotics or something. It just feels empowering to know for a fact that I was active in making sure I didn't have to get to the point where my choices were limited to having a child or having another abortion.

You are a smart, strong gal who has already been through enough pain with your previous abortion and an non-supportive and downright abusive partner so please know I am just hoping for the best for you. That is why I wanted to broach the subject of prevention of another abortion in the future.

One abortion is hard enough, I couldn't imagine the impact of two and especially if it makes you feel bad about yourself in any way. I just hope that after this hurdle you are going to be hurdle free in the future in order to make room the happiness you deserve!

The OP never got to the point of aborting before, she miscarried the first time around.

Well if I keep the abortion from him will it be really bad for me? Are secrets like these more likely to cause some one long term trauma or feel more lonely? I thought someone who didn't have strong relationships, secrets, and victims of abuse are likely to commit suicide or self harm? I'm scared because last year my psychologist said I was depressed and it doesn't feel so long ago. Will I be prone to more mental issues if I hide this from him?

Good questions. Looking at him as being or having been a love interest and admittedly having been good to you.
If not together, romantically, is he still part of your social circles?
I ask, not in skirting how you question your future emotional health, but because it will factor in.
I take it, he's likeable, even if the thought of a future scares you with him?

If still circling (socially)around one another, I could imagine secrecy taking its toll.
if still circling I could imagine ostracism of a sort.

Depends.

If he's someone you may never see again, I cannot imagine secrecy eating away at you.

My grams younger sister, lived out of state one summer, helping a neighbor with their summer business. This was ages ago. This neighbor calls my great gram one day saying she'd stay the winter. Grams aunt died in her 50's from liver complications. Years later, gram and the family received a call from a woman saying she was adopted and sought us out.
That was a secret that did her in, grams sis. Honestly, grams mom would have understood. They all would have. She'd met a merchant marine, and got pregnant. But the neighbor was more of a hidden secret type.
In your case, look at the big picture of this man. What role is there in the future, socially, demographically.
If you keep it a secret you'll need a quiet support system.
Any family members you can talk with? Grams sis told no-one, that was the thing. Never went on to have any other children...

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Your therapist probably knows you pretty well and should be able to help learn how NOT let this take it's toll on your emotional health. It's up to you, and what you want for your life, to figure out how to forgive yourself and keep moving toward better mental health. If you LET this destroy you... then you are in for some very very hard times.

You can take control (with support, while things are so difficult) of your thinking.

My personal opinion on this might be unpopular, but it's your body, your choice. He has rights too, but his beliefs aren't in alignment with your rights. He might even take you to court if that's possible and try to force you to have the baby or give it up for adoption, if you tell him you're getting an abortion he might break up with you if you choose to do it or if you're even thinking about doing it. I'm not sure what you should do, but it's your body and only you know what's right for you.

^^^^^ this

I recently told him about having the abortion and he felt really guilty. He said he wished he could've been there for me and was shocked I didn't tell him. He said he wasn't angry and said he was sorry for making me go through that alone. He is concerned about my health. He said he respects my decision, that I did the right thing for both of us, and said he will always be here for me.

That's a positive reaction. How are you feeling both physically and emotionally?

I feel good. Relieved that's over with. I still feel like a backlash coming but I don't know if thats because of my bad past experience.

It very well could be from having a painful past. Old wounds don't always go away. At least being aware of the wound, can help you take the steps to deal with the emotions as they come to light. Emotional wounds sometimes come out months or years later.

As you said it's a separate life and we should not kill an innocent soul.

It's apparent that she's in a very distressing situation and very conscious about people coming to know about this.
But be courageous and try to face the consequences, otherwise you will have to feel that guilt for the rest of your life. You might be able to hide it from others but your mind won't forget it.

The heartbeat might begin at 25 days but the neurological pain receptors (meaning the fetus can't feel anything, like pain) don't begin until 15-20 weeks. I think you made the right decision for yourself Prinssa, don't let anyone make you feel bad about doing the right thing for you and your boyfriend and your life and your body and your future. While you will learn from this, you won't need to carry it around and feel guilt at all "for the rest of your life".

I've always been pro-choice, even helped a girlfriend get an abortion back in my college days. She has experienced emotional pain because of that, and we have not been in contact for years, but I feel she still blames me somehow for being the "helper" in this. Also, her parents learned of it, and they also looked on me with disdain. It was her decision, but she has had lifelong issues because of it.
You engaged in a sexual relationship very early in the relationship. What were you thinking would happen? I'm not going to sympathize with you or pat you on the back and say all will be well now. You created another human being by your indiscretion. Then you ended that life. I hope you've learned to be more responsible in your relationships with men, at the very least.