I've been on the internet far too often in my life, and this new wave of "feminism" honestly has me scared of dating women. I have this want in my "heart" so to speak, even though I'm very aware the heart can't actually feel emotions, to be with someone and to be a faithful and loving husband and father some day. At 31 years old, not a job to be found where I live, and being quite overweight I'm nowhere near dating material and likely will have others thinking badly of me than thinking I have even the slightest dating potential.

I'm a beta male and, honestly don't know if it's "bad" to be a beta but it is very lonely and depressing in my specific little "world".

I really hate to say this because it's so crude but I feel like in general(painting with a broad brush) women really only marry in order to secure the husbands funds and leave when she's bored of them. I don't have enough female friends in real life(none at all actually) to prove that generalization wrong.

I apologize to the women who aren't like this, and I am sorry for generalizing, it's just I really don't know what people are like at all. Always been very introverted and now in the "adult world"(should have been here sooner) I'm unsure of what to do next and how to cope with either looking for a relationship or being alone for the rest of my life.

Not sure if anyone can even reply to this nonsense, but it would be nice.

Loads of quotes, "yay".

The desire in your heart to one day be a faithful and loving husband and father one day speaks volumes.

Use this desire as motivation to make a change for the better in your life. Consider moving to a new place to pursue further education or a career. Take care of yourself by eating well and exercising regularly and you will see the pounds drop bit by bit. Yeah I know...all this is so much easier said than done. But you have to believe in yourself that you can actually do it. Take small steps and set expectations that are
within your reach.

It is true that a lot of women feel they want to marry men that can provide them with some sense of financial security (and this statement works for all genders) but don't let this fear of potentially not being able to provide for a future wife prevent you from opening your heart. You may think a lot of time has been wasted already and you're already 31 and there isnt much time left. But this isn't true. Think deeply about that statement you made that you want to be a loving and faithful husband and father. Many men don't reach that level of thinking until much later in life or even never. I wish you good luck!


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[shezbut]

I have to say that I disagree with your over-generalization of women's desires. Some women may be like that indeed, but they are in the minority.

It is hard to be lonely. Whether male or female, regardless of sexual preferance, we (human beings) need other people to play some type of roles in our lives.

In my experience, I know that I have a very difficult time with romantic relationships until I finally fix myself. Otherwise, I'm only going to get hurt again while I somehow hurt, confuse, and frustrate the man in the process.

Just want you to know that you aren't alone emotionally. A lot of people here (and throughout the world!) are also struggling with their loneliness.

[scorpiosis37]

Since you acknowledge that you don't really know many women and don't have a lot of experience with them, I recommend that you avoid throwing out negative stereotypes. If you hold negative opinions about women, you are not going to attract women to you. While I'm sure there are women (and men) out there somewhere who are only interested in a partner for financial security, I have yet to meet any in real life. In my circle of female friends, we all make our own living and don't need anyone to provide for us. That said, we also don't want to date someone who would expect us to pay all of their bills. (We don't want to be used financially either). If you really are dedicated to being a loving husband someday, maybe you could start with feeling positively towards women in general. Really value and appreciate women. Drop all the negative thinking. You can't really be a loving husband until you respect women. Since you recognize that you have some issues to overcome (job, weight, etc)-- the first step to take towards finding a loving partner would be to become the kind of partner you yourself want. You can't really be a supportive and capable partner to someone else until you can take good care of yourself. Get the education that you need to find a job, or take an entry-level job, work hard, and work your way up. Start eating healthy and getting regular exercise. Or, if you can't do these things, then maybe work with a therapist who can figure out what roadblocks might be standing in your way. You can't really expect someone else to love you until you can love yourself. Male or female, it's very apparent when someone does not feel good about themselves-- and it pushes others away. Once you learn how to love and take care of yourself, I'm sure others will recognize that and be drawn to you as well. Just think about-- if you saw a woman who had low self-esteem and was not taking care of herself and thought all guys were just jerks looking for a "hot chick"-- is that who you would want to approach as a loving wife? Probably not. You first need to be the kind of partner you want before you can attract a partner.

[Walking Man]

I understand how you feel. Past experiences with the opposite sex, regardless of their nature, can be very powerful. You feel like you will always be treated the same way. It doesn't help that it is socially acceptable to make fun of, belittle, and publicly humiliate men simply because they are men. Men are openly spoken of as being stupid, immature, violent, and predatory. We are considered unnecessary. It's sexist. Not all women have those attitudes of course, but it's very intimidating if you are shy or have issues with self esteem. I struggle with this too.

Don't ever call yourself a beta. You are who you are, and you are infinitely valuable. Whenever you start calling yourself names stop immediately. You may still feel lousy, but get out of the habit of verbally tearing yourself down.

I LOVE the website "The Art of Manliness". There is a lot of great practical advice about things men struggle with.

One of my heros is Theodore Roosevelt. It helps to to keep guys you admire in mind. It's the way we work, we naturally model ourselves after our dads. Then go out and do what you need to do. Act. It's not easy, but keep working at it.

Christina Hoff Sommers has written some books about attacks on men and boys in our society. She has some articles in different places online. The point isn't to think that women are terrible, or to get a chip on your shoulder, but to hear a perspective, from a woman, that acknowledges some of the hurtful and pedjudicial things directed at men. Then guys like you and me have to man up, take responsibility, and learn to really appreciate and understand women as they really are.

[hvert]

I would stop worrying about what you think other people think of you (or think of other people) and start paying attention to what *you* think of you. If you are dissatisfied with your career prospects and health, maybe you could work towards changing those aspects of your life? Maybe take a class, something that would both further those goals *and* let you meet other people?

I don't think it is true that most women want to marry a man for his money and then divorce him when they are bored. I can see why it feels that way, just like it feels like most men want to bed a 10 and then never call again. It's how a few people might behave, but probably not the kind of people you'll run into.

[divine1966]

Don't generalize please, it is never a good idea.
You could focus on developing interests or your own and perhaps find something makes you happy, then relationship might follow good luck

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[Rose76]

Maybe you could keep your eye out for a "beta" female. Not that I agree that people can be divided up like that. But there most likely is a lonely female out there who would enjoy the warmth and kindness that you could show her. It really is a shame that there is so much unnecessary loneliness in the world, just because people who could be comforted by each other don't know that their counterparts even exist.

I speak from experience of not being very outgoing and ending up alone a lot. But, when I would push myself, I would find that a lot of me being alone was due to not venturing out. I would remind myself that no one is going to show up and ring my doorbell. It takes making a move to meet others. Also, it takes being open to people who might have a few problems.

The way you are characterizing women really isn't true, generally speaking, and I think you know that in your heart. It is tough to not have a job, but plenty of unemployed men do have girlfriends. My bf was unemployed when we met and stayed that way for quite a while. Yet we are together for many years now. Things turn around. I don't recommend staying alone.

There are young women out there who tell themselves the same things that you are thinking . . . that they are not the right shape, or the right weight to be wanted by anyone. Think of how many women there are who are single heads of households with no husband whose funds they can claim. Often they took a chance on a man who let them down and left for another woman.

Being with someone who is nice and kind and warm doesn't get all that boring. Sometimes, people have to get hurt by the alpha types . . . the charasmatic types . . . to be able to appreciate that all that is good doesn't have to be flashy.

[divine1966]

I personally do not like type A alpha men. And do not care about looks or weight. Unemployment isn't fun but that's not forever. Anyone can lose their job, no one immune

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[norwegianwoman]

First: Why would feminism scare you? I didn't really get that from your post. Is it because it encourages women to be assertive and confident, which intimidates you? You should rather see it as a positive thing: It not only allows women to be more than just pretty or sexy, it also allowes men to be "soft" and shy, and feminism in general is against all kinds of look pressure. It is not a bad thing for you if you are an introvert and feel bad about your looks.

Either way, combine that with your (rude AND sexist, regardless of your intent) generalizations of women... And I think you have your answer to why no one is interested in you. It is not about looks, or weight (my only really long-term boyfriend was overweight at the time), or which job you have. Personally I haven't met any women who care too much about these things (or at least not ALL of them), so I am curious where you get your impressions of women from. It is about what kind of vibe you send out, and how you appreach people. If you assume women are rude and only out to take your money, you will subconsciously act hostile or disinterested (I know this first hand as I find myself thinkign way too often that boys who show any interest in me - which doesn't happen often - are only interested in sex and only interested in me because their first choice, often one of my friends, is taken. This is a generalization as bad as yours, especially as I have many male friends who are not like that, but whenever I go out on the town I think, honestly, a lot of men act like pigs). It becomes a vicious circle which is hard to get out of. Working with that is easier than working with the weight, I think.

[CosmicRose]

New wave of feminism? Feminism has always meant only one thing - and that's the belief that women should have the same rights as men.

If you think a new wave of feminism = women only marrying to secure the funds of the husband, that's way off. If anything, women in the 1950s and previous eras before that, were often forced to marry because they weren't allowed or able to work. This meant that they HAD to marry in order to survive, this was not the choice of the women, it was a societal construct that was in place for generations because women did not have the same employable opportunities or rights as men.
These days, since thankfully, women do now have similar working opportunities, we can support ourselves independently and thus do not need to be forced into marriage just to survive. This means women do not need to marry for financial reasons.

So this new wave of feminism, or feminism in general, has nothing at all to do with women marrying men for their funds...
Just thought I'd clear that up.