Would you date a man who can't support you?

That is not what walking man said in his first post. He verbatim stated that "he hasn't been able you support himself for any length of time". Just going by what he says.

I sympathize with this ( economy is horrible). in my experience most modern educated women aren't looking for men to support them, I don't know anyone who does but it doesn't mean they would want to support a man either. Life is tough.


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I married my high school sweetheart. Got together when I was 15, married at 23. Divorced at 30.

He didn't get a full time job until just before we got married. Some of that time he was in college, but there was a long period where he had dropped out and wasn't working. He had employment issues after that (largely due to untreated ADD & drinking/partying issues). The straw that broke the camel's back was a period of over 2 years of unemployment just before our divorce. Mind you, he did not compensate for his unemployment by stepping up in the household or anything. He spent most of his waking hours playing video games or going out to bars with friends.

I dated him and married him because I loved him, pure and simple. I cared about who he was as a person. I didn't care whether or not he had a job. Until I did. Until it became too stressful to support the two of us on my grad student's stipend and moonlighting as an adjunct, resenting him for all the extra work I took on. And eventually I realized that love wasn't as simple or easy as I thought it was when I was younger, and that you can love someone but not be able to have a happy life with them.

So it doesn't match your situation in some ways. But I dated someone who couldn't reliably support himself, and I eventually ended it. At this point, I would not date someone who couldn't reliably support himself.

Not interested in having someone support me, either. I can pull my own weight on that front. For what that's worrh.

BearPaws: THANK YOU!!!

The question was, "If you are a woman who WOULD marry a man who could not support you, why would you?" If you like you can change that to, "a man who could not pull his weight financially, regardless of his other qualities." - Ask a stupid question, I guess.

For the record I am not a bum. No drugs, no booze, no bars, no fooling around, I completed 9 years of college in several subjects, a multi-instrumentalist, have a bachelor's and master's, I'm responsible, respect women, and want more in life than sports on TV.

I didn't specify, but I have epilepsy, a benign brain tumor, and am at the moment am recovering from back surgery. This year I was in school for musical instrument repair, with the department of rehab helping. I got a 4.0 for the fall, but an old back injury became totally disabling, I had surgery, missed the second half of the course. It was a good plan for getting a good career that I could manage, but for now it's on hold. That's just to start! I know there are lots of people worse off than I am. My problem is that when I try to live like normal people I end up in the hospital.

There are a million reasons why someone would not want to marry someone else. Maybe you can't stand crooked teeth. It doesn't matter, that's ok. The same goes for someone who is not financially independent. That's ok too. It's perfectly legit and respectable to not want that. However I refuse to believe that because I'm disabled I should give up on life and love. Marrying me would NOT be for anybody. I need someone who can deal with all that.

As the current discussion seems to suggest, a lot of women wouldn't do it. I was hoping to understand what might motivate someone who thought differently.

I left out some of my thoughts. I think that a woman who can support herself and a man who can support himself (like I think Walking Man can) might get together. Also there are women that would support a man who are open to supporting another person and have enough money in order to do that. Some women make a good amount of money these days even if you do not think so, I know of plenty.

I can't support myself and I sometimes can barely be bothered living yet I still want a relationship with a woman. It would have to be someone who is willing to support me, let alone be willing to accept that I can't support her.

Of course there are women with plenty of money. I do know plenty. It doesn't always mean they would be willing to support a man though. Same as wealthy men don't necessarily want to support a woman.

Of course men and women who support themselves can and do get together all the time! That isn't the issue at all!

The concern is about taking on people who cannot support themselves as op said he hasn't been able to support himself. It might be a challenge to find a woman who would support him, I am not saying she isn't out there, I just don't know any regardless how much money she makes. It isn't easy to find one

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I feel for you. Heck it is tough to find the right person even if one supports him/herself.

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Hugs. Sorry about health issues. I have students with seizures and now bad it is, understand about not driving.

No you shouldn't give up. Heck why is life so hard? Honestly it is very difficult to find the right person regardless of one's health or money or looks etc So many factors. We all deserve love. Yet is hard to find. Even if easy to find s date not that easy to find good life partner

. A friend and colleague of mine is turning 40 and the last time she dated was about 15 years ago. She is very tall like over 6.4, she believes that's why. Can't change the height.

Life is kind of unfair isn't it


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This thread may be a reflection of sentiments shared by women in the greater population. I am bothered that it may imply that it is futile for a disabled man, who can support himself, but not his future spouse, to pursue a romantic relationship. I am an optimist plus I have witnessed this scenario work in real life.

True Love Story

I have a good friend who has been afflicted with Multiple Sclerosis for over 20 years. Before it became debilitating, he was working and able to take care of himself. As the illness progressed, he had to go on disability. Well, he managed to meet and marry the woman of his dreams. She is madly in love with him and although she is the primary bread winner (he does receive disability and makes a bit extra repairing computers out of their home), they have made it work for 20 years. In addition, the MS zaps my friends strength many times so he is not able to be physically active for prolonged periods. Yet, they have three beautiful, well adjusted healthy boys (one just left for the military). I am not saying everything is perfect - they both have their struggles. I honestly know that their bond is strengthen by all that they have experienced in this unconventional but quite successful relationship. Their home is overflowing with love that has touched so many in their community and beyond. In spite of the odds stacked up against them, their marriage has outlasted those of several conventional pairs I know. Poor planning coupled with sudden financial instability can cause a marriage to fail. My friends entered their marriage aware of potential financial struggles and planned accordingly. As a stay at home dad, they did not need to pay for daycare when the boys were younger.

I do envy my friends for what they have and, though highly unlikely for me personally, the hopeless romantic deep inside wants this for everyone and anyone who is willing to love and allow themselves to be loved. So be encouraged that your disability does not disqualify you from having your own love story.. As a person of faith in God, this is one of those areas that I would pray for wisdom, peace, and opportunity. If you are not, maybe get someone who is to pray on your behalf. I do believe that love does conquer all things. To your much deserved happiness.

We all deserve love and happiness. Most certainly walking man does!

But.....This topic is probably beyond the scope of this particular thread but I don't think love is enough. If it was, divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is. I don't give up on love and don't suggest anyone would, but love conquers all only in fairy tales. In real world it takes more than that.

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Me, personally, no, I wouldn't date a man who couldn't support himself. But, my situation is different than many others. I am disabled myself and there is still the question of whether or not I will be able to work full time in the future. Finances are a MAJOR stressor to me, and I won't take on someone else's money issues. I guess you could say its more of a Suze Orman sort of thing in which finances do indeed make it or break it, and in my situation, finances are definitely up there in terms of "things which must be compatible" for me.

So find someone who is financially stable. Find someone who WANTS to be the bread winner and says hey, my husband can be the one who stays at home (or works only part time). There are SO many different types of relationships out there. Don't limit yourself because the historically normal type of relationship is out of the question for you. Lots of women would be thrilled to be the bread winner.

I have dated men who couldn't support me. Mostly when I was younger and wasn't really thinking about marriage. When I met my husband he had a good job but lost it a few months before our wedding, so when we were married he was unemployed. When I worked full time I made more money than he did, but after losing a second job, he got a job in an area we always wanted to live, so we moved and now I stay home with the kids and he supports us all. Luckily where we moved is a much lower cost of living compared to where we used to live so it is easier to get by on one income.

There are all kinds of women out there. Some women might be relieved to have a husband who can stay home and take care of the house and children so she doesn't feel pressured like she has to. Some women might have a lot of money or a great job and want a relationship for more than being supported.

When my husband and I met he was surprised I wasn't put off by his prematurely gray hair that he had at age 36. Plus he was surprised I would go out with him because he is nine years older than me. I was surprised that he was interested in someone as shy and awkward as me as I had no friends and was pretty much a hermit, still am...and he is very comfortable in social situations. right now as i write this he is out at the bar playing with his pool league.

I hope maybe that helps you a little. For a long time I was sure I would never have a husband or children. I was ready to adopt a few more cats and give up when I found my husband. So you just never know.

I would absolutely date someone unable to support me. As nice as having someone look after me would be I can support myself and don't expect anyone else to do so.

However, if they were unable to support themselves then there may be trouble.

I can support myself but it would be difficult for me to support another, although I think that if we cared enough about each other we could potentially work something out.

Of course if I were capable of supporting another I wouldn't mind- as long as there was a good reason.

There are a lot of women that may consider this something of a show stopper but not all of them are that way. by the same token there are men that gauge whether a woman is dateable by the same unreasonable expectations. Really your situation should not at all keep you from putting yourself out there, if you're honest with the girls you meet. Fact is in any situation it's hard to find the right one - for many reasons of incompatibilities only in your situation you KNOW specific issue that may come up. Treat it as dating as anyone would that being up front, honest, loving and faithful are the things that matter most and you'll find someone for you.

I am currently dating a man who is on disability for a number of mental illness issues. I actually met him on this website a year ago and we communicated online for about 6 months before we met in person earlier this year. When we made friends, I grew to care about him very much and when we finally got together, I fell in love with him. I have thought on occasion about what it is he provides me, because he can't provide in a 'traditional' way...but I am not looking for someone to do that for me. I am newly divorced and I like being on my own. What he gives me that I couldn't get from exH is unconditional love and peace. My bf has a beautiful soul, when I am in his presence, my whole being is full of calmness. I also am diagnosed with mental illness and to find someone who can give me that feeling of peace and love and well being...I can't put a price tag on that. I've never met a person before him that had that kind of aura about them. Will I marry him? I can't ever remarry because I would lose certain financial and medical benefits...but having a long term relationship with this man? Of course. It's very odd to us both, we are both middle aged now and we think maybe we had to go through the life we did so that we could meet each other now in this place where we are both finally stable and settled. He's been through a lot more of 'life' than I have and has come out the other side, battle scarred but wiser and healthier than in his early years. I love him dearly, I see the man he is, I see his heart, his kind, gentle soul. There are reasons why we may not ever live in the same household together but his financial status is not a factor. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend when we met, we simply made friends here on PC and that friendship grew into the relationship we have now. I can hope that you will also meet someone who will look at you for what you have to offer as a person. I'm pretty sure I can't be the only person in this world willing to do that. Best wishes!

After my marriage of 20+ years, I dated some men who were unable to support themselves. They sucked me dry financially and emotionally. In truth, that was their agenda, so women who meet a man who is unemployed, or disabled, may see red flags immediately. I didn't and am now much less financially stable because of my naïve feelings of love. Many independent women see the red flags immediately; I did not.

On the other hand, there are women who seem to have the talent for extruding everything from a man without contributing anything financially. These are the women who get the expensive jewelry, have everything paid for them, never contributing one red cent. I lacked that ability, and never wanted to be like that. I always marveled at women who did that. But, I always felt it important to pull my own weight financially. I am generous and giving, and many men took advantage of that. It's a real rat race dating world out there, especially for those older singles.

To Walking Man, I would say it will be hard for you to meet a woman who has no financial expectations. There are women out there, like myself, who will go into a relationship open minded, seeking love, but I fear they are few and far between.

If you do date someone, please be upfront from the beginning about your situation. If the relationship develops despite your limitations, then it is real.

It's been a long time since I started this thread. Thank you for your honest answers. The way anyone feels about it in their life and relationships is perfectly valid.

I'm working with the Department of Rehabilitation to move and get a job. Hopefully something will work out, and I'll find something I can do without getting sick. This was always the plan, but back surgery put a hold on the musical instrument repair certificate I had been working on.

I do have some thoughts about the matter.

I'm not married of course, but it seems to me that in a marriage that the husband and wife have to depend on one another. I don't mean that just in an everyday, practical sort of way, but in a deeper personal way. Both need to "pull their weight" to be supportive of the other, and to not be a burden unnecessarily. That's part of "being there" for someone. It seems to me though that the more independent each are of one another, the less they need one another, and the looser their bond becomes. I could be wrong, but I think even in the best relationships I think there is a certain amount of aggravation and putting up with one another. If neither "needs" the other in some real way, there is little reason to stick together when things get rough. You just grow apart. That's why I feel there's something wrong with the idea that individuals in a relationship have to be whole, independent, or as they say "love themselves" before they can love someone else. There's some truth to that, but its overstated. I know enough about it to know that you learn to accept or love yourself by being loved, just like you learn to love another by being loved. As a child, if you are made to feel loved you learn to love. If you do not feel loved, you have a harder time loving.

Basically, you become "independent" by depending on others. You need physical and emotional support to achieve your potential. When you don't have anyone you appear independent, but feel anything but. Practically speaking I'm one of the most independent people I know because I do everything alone (including little things like moving half way across the country). I'm just not financially independent. Being alone all the time I've become aware just how much I need other people. I feel anything but independent, I'm downright lonely.

There are a lot of things a spouse can offer besides financial security. For my part I can take care of the house, cooking and cleaning. I'm a good handyman, and can do everything from paint a room to remodeling. I'm well educated and could homeschool our kids, both in academics and music. I'm funny. I can be a role model for the kids, and I can be faithful to my wife. I know how to do lots of interesting things, and I'm well traveled. I'm also a gentleman. As important as finances are, even if I can never keep a full-time job, if I find someone who thinks those other things are more important, I might make a good husband.

That was well said Walking Man. Thanks for that.

I've met many women that tried to have an arrangement where household duties were shared but they always ended up feeling resentment because the man did not do his fair share. You definitely have stereotypes and the real history for many women working against you.

But, I hear a lot of emotional maturity in your posts and that is golden.

I know a man that has shown interest in me but I wouldn't date him for all the money in the world. He's a decent enough person and he has a lot of social credit/value attached to him because he's considered a genius and is well paid for work. But he's so emotionally immature and often lacks consideration of me. I could never feel like I truly trust him, truly could depend on him, feel secure being with him on a deeper level.

I fear being with a man that couldn't take care of me not financially but the everyday sort of thing like housework and emotional support. I don't want to be taken care of, I have a fierce independent streak but I don't want to be with another man that wouldn't or couldn't do so.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I have a similar situation (well educated, hardworking but get slammed by health issues that have disrupted my life entirely). Thankfully I'm not really interested in a romantic relationship. I sorta resigned myself to that not happening till I'm in my 50's (I'm 40's). I see the value in how you consider what you bring to a relationship and how you work on bettering yourself and your situation in many aspects of your life.

People know when they are being listened to when someone is being considerate of others. If I were interested in a man I would look at everything. How does he treat others? Do I feel heard? Do I feel safe and supported? Does he respond to life in an emotionally mature way? Does he take care of himself, brush his teeth, know how to feed himself, clean? Is he interested in life, learning, growing?

I figure, as we age people see what they value most and what society says or what they think they should want falls off.

A man could take me to a fancy restaurant but if he showed up unkempt looking like he always does, not showing any effort that would be the last date. I'm soooo tired of lazy men that think they just have to show up (when they feel like it) and I'm supposed to think they are great. Your insecurities or deficits and how you deal with them, they'll be your greatest assets!!!