[Maven]

My boyfriend was cheated on in his only previous relationship, which was many years ago. He told me he would never tolerate cheating, and told me it's wrong, which is how I feel, too. But he's had a friend online with a lot of health issues that I'm not particularly worried about, even though he told me he thinks she is romantically interested in him. He says he wouldn't want to be with her because of her many problems even if she was single. So, I don't worry too much there, but there's another woman he went to school with years ago who he has been taking dinner to and giving her rides. He often goes out late at night (like right now) just to drive (he says) even when he has work or church the next day. It's 1:17 a.m. right now. He's a friendly and nice guy, so maybe it's nothing, but I can't help wondering, you know? He tells me about these women, so that makes me worry less that he's cheating, but I also know that's not proof.

My sister disapproves of his behavior, but since she thinks I can't take care of myself--and I can't right now, but I think I could learn, although I don't have the financial means to do so--she doesn't think I should bring my concerns up with him. Don't rock the boat, open that can of worms, so to say. What do you all think?

[divine1966]

Do you two live together? He is not home at 1am? Driving around? Giving rides And dinners to women? Yeah something is fishy. How old is he?

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[Maven]

Yes, we've lived together for about 20 years now. He's 49.

[Hexagram]

1:17 is a late drive.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Maven

Yes, we've lived together for about 20 years now. He's 49.

49? I thought he is very young. You two have been together most of your adult lives! I don't know what to say. At 49 if he works and has other responsibilities how does he have the energy to be up all night driving? I am 49. I am dead asleep at 1am. Heck my married daughter is 27 and isn't up at 1am.

Just because you can't afford to be on your own doesn't mean you should ok with this. I am not saying leave him or that he is cheating, but do talk to him how much you worry where he is at! I would worry

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[Parley]

My husbands a nice quy too but if he starts taking some woman dinner ~ I get to take her his laundry.

If this is new behavior, i'd be concerned.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Parley

My husbands a nice quy too but if he starts taking some woman dinner ~ I get to take her his laundry.


If this is new behavior, i'd be concerned.

Lol she can do his laundry then lol

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[Maven]

Thanks. It might be nothing, because he doesn't hide his visits and online chatting with these women from me, but I haven't seen his computer or phone conversations. Still, I can't help wondering.

I'm not ok with this, but my sister thinks I'm in no position to have to leave. I'm normally up in the wee hours of the night, but I sleep all day. Not much I can do about it if he's cheating, but no, I don't think I deserve it. Thing is, he's had no sex drive for years. I have pain with intercourse, which I've always had, with no solutions from doctors, and my sex drive is very low, possibly because of meds and/or thyroid issues. You'd think I'd be glad he's shown no interest, but I've never stopped wanting my sex drive back and to be desired.

Sorry, I'm blathering. Thanks for your replies.

[divine1966]

Why is your sister's opinion so important? I wonder if there is more to the story. You sleep all day? Why? Why don't you sleep at night and do stuff during the day? Does he work? Do you? Do you two spend time together?

The issue might be deeper than him driving around or chatting up women

It sounds you might be staying together for convenience and financial reasons, you two are young enough to want more From s relationship

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[Maven]

My sister and I are close, but I can hear in her tones (and often her very words) her judgments of me. We were raised by different people, and she's very religious, and I'm not. I have a tendency to put myself down a lot, and if I screw up, I start telling myself they were right, and I always F up, I'm stupid, etc. I don't know why some people's opinions bother me, because they don't always. I do lots of things without a care in the world as to what anyone thinks, but when I'm depressed, I end up joining in on the "beat-up-Maven" party.

I don't know why I sleep all day, except that I like being up at night. I sleep up to 14 hours a day, and my doctor is having me do a sleep study in hopes of finding out. I have more peace at night, I'm more creative at night, I like the quiet.

Yes, my boyfriend works as a computer programmer. I don't work. I'm on Social Security disability. We spend time together, mostly on the weekends, although that's being dropped from two days to one, because he needs to do more work for extra money. Most of the time he's home, he's either asleep or in his office with the door closed. He's been telling me he's getting bills out late, and one thing he's been paying is on the storage unit with my mom's stuff (she passed January of last year), and if that's late, besides possibly losing my mom's stuff, it will hurt my credit.

Oh, he's told me he doesn't want me to be with him because I have to depend on him and vice versa, but that is partly why we're together. It's not the only reason, but I am dependant on him.

[Maven]

Just to clarify, that last paragraph should say, "He wants me to be with him because I want to, not because I have to."

[divine1966]

I see. Do sleep study? 14 hours is excessive. Sounds like a sad story all together. Could you move in with your sister? Better than living with a man whom you not even having much of a relation anymore

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[Maven]

No, my sister lives in Kentucky and I have no interest in living there, plus my OCD wouldn't let me. I can't even get over my panic disorder to travel that far for a visit. It definitely wouldn't be better. I don't have the money, but I wish I could buy a new house and start afresh.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Maven

No, my sister lives in Kentucky and I have no interest in living there, plus my OCD wouldn't let me. I can't even get over my panic disorder to travel that far for a visit. It definitely wouldn't be better. I don't have the money, but I wish I could buy a new house and start afresh.

I understand no money portion, it is tough. But I don't think one needs a house to function. I don't own one. Most of the world actually doesn't live or own houses. Especially one person.

I do understand that it is tough out there as it is and worse being on disability.

Anyways if you aren't going to leave or confront him regardless what he does I guess nothing could be changed. In case you have sex please use protection in case he cheats

Ps if you have a disability and cannot work and support yourself and sleep all day, most likely you aren't going places or doing things during the day, then why is it is so bad to live in KY? There are worse places than that. Id rather live in KY than what you described ( if you move it is one time thing, maybe you can take medication just get through that one day not like going back and forth) unless your sister doesn't want you of course

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[Maven]

We haven't had sex in about 15 years. No worries there.

I go out when I wake up, at least for a couple hours. I get something to eat, do some shopping, if needed. My panic disorder will cause attacks if I try to go as far as KY, plus living with my sister would get old real fast. I can't go in other people's houses because of my OCD. She's very religious, as are most of my relatives and people in general in that area, and I am not. Medication won't prevent the panic attacks and OCD. I'm on medications now, and have been for 37 years. Several kinds, plus combinations. I also would get on my sister's and her husband's nerves.

[Maven]

Oh, and regarding the house, I can't afford an apartment, nor would one hold all my stuff. I don't like that maintenance and managers can come in pretty much whenever they want, because I don't like my sleep interrupted (I have a hard time getting up as it is), and I don't want them to touch my stuff (for OCD reasons).

[divine1966]

Ok. Sorry about your ocd. I hope you are in therapy?

Then pretty much there is nothing you can do if he cheats or not.

It's better then not to think about it. I don't condone cheating even if you never have sex but I kind of understand him wanting to be out and about a bit (not cheating but socializing). I would perhaps worry he'll meet someone else. He sounds devoted to you but that's not an easy life and life is short. I can live without sex but I would have very hard with partner who sleeps all day.

I live in apartment and did most of my life (different ones) , no managers come and go as they please unless I ask them to come fix something or unless they give fair warning. I am 49 and i don't know too many people who have more stuff than me lol but it fits. I can't afford to buy a house and my area is struggling so I do what I can.

good luck, don't know what else i can help you with



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[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Maven

My boyfriend was cheated on in his only previous relationship, which was many years ago. He told me he would never tolerate cheating, and told me it's wrong, which is how I feel, too. But he's had a friend online with a lot of health issues that I'm not particularly worried about, even though he told me he thinks she is romantically interested in him. He says he wouldn't want to be with her because of her many problems even if she was single. So, I don't worry too much there, but there's another woman he went to school with years ago who he has been taking dinner to and giving her rides. He often goes out late at night (like right now) just to drive (he says) even when he has work or church the next day. It's 1:17 a.m. right now. He's a friendly and nice guy, so maybe it's nothing, but I can't help wondering, you know? He tells me about these women, so that makes me worry less that he's cheating, but I also know that's not proof.

My sister disapproves of his behavior, but since she thinks I can't take care of myself--and I can't right now, but I think I could learn, although I don't have the financial means to do so--she doesn't think I should bring my concerns up with him. Don't rock the boat, open that can of worms, so to say. What do you all think?

sometimes those that are cheating are the most adamant about how against it they are. In those cases it's an attempt to prove they are not cheating but because they are, they tend to be even more passionate about proving they are not doing so, right up to actually revealing information on the ones they are cheating with to deflect your suspicions.

A person having a friend taht is of the opposite sex is entirely normal and fine. an honest and faithful person does not have the need to go out of their way to mention how they are NOT INTERESTED in their friend and on top of that, mention how they (the friend) is romantically interested in them. This is what I see: he mentions that she wants him romantically to underscore just how amazingly faithful he is and to me it's overkill for someone in a trusting relationship. Seems to me more likely than honest, he is hiding something. I don't see the point of mentioning how she likes him romantically to his significant other (you) except to raise your insecurity levels with the goal of making his faked faithfulness look even more profound. That's how I see it and in my experience it's been the case on more than one occassion. (sp?)

As for the late night "drives"... who does that? unless you're in a fight, or in some way someone needs to relax, get away or something, it doesn't make sense even without considering cheating. I mean who just drives without any kind of destination in mind or something? in today's day and age when gas isn't exactly cheap, its' kind of unlikely he has no plans or destination in mind. It is very questionable.

Without context it's hard to say for sure about the dinners and rides he gives the other woman but at best it's also questionable. Lunch yeah if they are a coworker, sure but dinner is an entirely different thing. Lunch is a short break from work and everyone does that but dinner is something typically spent with someone you are intimately involved with or a friend you are very close with and spend a lot of time with but a woman who is a so called friend or acqaintence isn't typically one you would take out to dinner, especially not multiple times, if that's the case.

[divine1966]

Again I don't defend him if he is cheating but honestly if I had a partner who was up at night and slept all day 14 hours and I had no sex for 15 years I'd be out and about too. Maybe he feels guilty as you can't support yourself and have no place to go so he can't leave you yet he needs to get out? It is like vicious cycle here.

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[Maven]

Thanks, Divine 1966. Yes, I'm in therapy. I even a pdoc, but not a psychologist, because I've seen pdocs and psychologists for 37 years and not one of them did ERP or any other therapy usually used for OCD (at least what I've seen on TV).

I wasn't asking for advice, really, but I appreciate your trying. I just wondered if my intuition was right.

He might be cheating, but it isn't because we don't have sex. He stopped showing interest way before my sex drive lowered and I still wanted sex, in hoping I could overcome the pain (several doctors said I just needed to be stretched, although others gave other reasons).

He's out socializing a lot. He goes to church and we go out most weekends, plus once in awhile, we go to his family gatherings. He works a lot and often late.

Since he's asleep and, later, at work, when I'm sleeping, I don't see how it makes any difference that I sleep up to (not always this much) 14 hours. I'm up long before he comes home (and, often, he goes to church right after work). When he is home, he's usually in his office on his computer playing games or doing Internet things with his door closed.

Apartment managers and maintenance workers can't just come in anytime they want, excluding emergencies, you're right, but they can bang on your door. In our last apartment, I was awoken to loud knocks on the door, and before I'd made it down the stairs to let them in, the manager and maintenance guy unlocked the door, and she angrily asked me, "Why didn't you report your doorbell wasn't working?" Because I had no freaking idea of wasn't working! We didn't typically have visitors, so it was very unlikely anyone would ring the bell.

[Maven]

S4ndm4n2006, thanks for responding. As a matter of fact, he's out on one of his late-night drives right now. We went out to dinner, and when we were near home, he told me he was going to go back out on his own after he took me home. He had a car accident several days ago, and just got his car back, and the purpose of the drive, he told me, was so he could make sure the car is working okay. He had found the button that put the window down wasn't working right, so he wanted to check out the rest of the car. He has driven without any destination in mind with me in the car, but I don't usually enjoy that. Still, I'll sometimes go, just to get out. This isn't a coworker, it's an old schoolmate he's reconnected with.

[Maven]

Oh, and Divine, I used to try to initiate sex, and just got rejected. I gave up. Even now, once in a great while, I will tell him we can, but he's not interested. You may not condone cheating , but you're still blaming me.

[divine1966]

I am not blaming you, especially for him cheating! I am just trying to understand what's happening. What you described isn't kind of life two of you enjoy or deserve , yet you stick together because you can't be on your own, and that is rather sad. That's why I said I'd rather try to live with the sister or maybe there are other people./relatives. I wouldn't handle these late night drives and no sex along with other nonsense. He either cheats or just hates being home. Either way it sucks.

Honestly no one ever knocks on my doors. Ever. And I am off in the summer and are home many days. If they want something they call. One time neighbor knocked because I left a key in my door. I was glad he did. But that's seriously the only time. I lived in different cities in different apartments, with my daughter when she was minor and alone.

Sure house is better but I am just saying apartment is not the end of the world and there are low income apartments that you might have to wait in line to get in. The ones in my area are nice I live in a regular two bedroom but I've been inside low income ones and they look just the same



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[Maven]

I appreciate your response, divine1966. Unfortunately, the low-income housing I've seen here isn't nice. Where my mom lived before she died was nasty. I'm also limited because of my OCD. My boyfriend's church runs a low-income housing building. I've never been inside, but I couldn't live there because it's owned by a church.

When we were looking for a new apartment years ago, we went to this one place that gave me the skeevies. It stank, was dirty, we saw bugs, it was hot and stuffy, and much more. After that, I let my boyfriend do the actual visits, because after that, I had to go home and wash. I was almost in tears, thinking we might have to live in a place like that, but as soon as we got back to the car, my boyfriend said, "Hell, no!" and we found a much better place.

[divine1966]

I don't think anyone wants to live in a place you described. OCD of not. I never did. Don't know where you live that you have no choices for nicer place. I thought you live in the nice area since you think Kentucky is not a good choice. .

Why can't you live in a building that owned by church? Is if because you aren't religious? I bet they don't care. You don't have much choice or choices are limited. It is either that or continue living the way you do. It is your choice. It sounds that you choose to stay where you were at.

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