Should I leave non BP husband?

Most of the articles/forums I read involve the bipolar person's erratic behavior causing the relationship to end. Who has had the opposite occur? Ever had someone turn against you when you were at your most vulnerable? Is my husband of 20 years sabotaging our relationship because I'm a terrible burden he'd like to be free of?

A little over 2 years ago, when I was almost 50, I had a breakdown and stopped working. I have always had issues with depression and doctors suspected BP, but so little was known about the disorder, I never received the help I needed. Prescribed only an anti-depressant, Effexor, and low-dose Valium, the stresses (deadlines, long commutes, motherhood, bankruptcy, hurricane, sexual assault, domestic violence, many past traumas and dramas) of life became unbearable and I was suddenly paralyzed with panic attacks. I loved my job so much but one day I snapped, took emergency leave and never went back. I have always been an over achiever perfectionist people pleaser type and very successful until the breakdown. In fact, I earned the bigger paycheck and supported his career growth for the first half of our relationship.

Hoping to keep my job and return before my leave expired, I sought the help of psychologists and psychiatrists. It was then that I was diagnosed with a number of disorders, including PTSD, BP, panic/anxiety, etc. and as you know, it takes a long time to find the right cocktail. I still have not found the magical formula that will to return me to my former functional self.

Here's the worst part: Since my breakdown, my husband/partner of 20 years has used my mental condition and my inability to contribute financially, against me on a regular basis. I hate to argue and fight, so I usually shut down. We can all be mean and nasty at times, but I don't hit below the belt or turn the argument into a screaming bully contest. I'm as angry inside as he is, maybe more, but I try not to hurt people's feelings and say things I'll later regret. He will say anything and everything until I walk away. And I just take it over and over again. I'm so pathetic.

He's not violent, but is mean, almost sadistic, for verbally kicking me while I'm down. Really down. And he knows it, but he does it anyway. Just when I think he begins to feel empathy and stops for a while, he does it again. Until a few months ago we were in chapter 13 and I could excuse his behavior because of the financial burden I put on him as the sole breadwinner. I have tried to support him in other ways, budgeting and bills, housekeeping, laundry, meals, etc. Now that the bankruptcy court is not garnishing half his wages, he makes plenty of money to support us both. I have never left him or cheated or gone on a spending spree or been hospitalized and I am still trying to get better and hope to go back to work soon. I don't like being dependent on him. This is not the "me" I want to be.

However, I'm at my breaking point again as the reprimanding and manipulating return. Even when I worked it was never MY money. But since I stopped working, it's all HIS money. Im home, on vacation in his eyes, while he struggles to support his us. He threatens to leave me even though I have no money of my own.

I really thought he loved me, a hero in my eyes for being a good father for my daughter when her bio dad was not. I get more and more depressed though as I realize he's not the kind man I thought he was. Or is he? How do I find the strength to leave him and support myself, when I can't even get out of bed or make myself take a shower, especially now that he's hurt me again so deeply? Anyone out there had a similar situation?

Will he agree to marriage counseling?

I haven't asked. Im not sure I'm even open to the idea yet. That's why I didn't bring it up. I'm still too angry and upset to talk calmly to him. We've barely spoken since his last outburst 4 days ago. Im 52 and just want some peace. I'm so sick of trusting the wrong people. Did I do it again? Im too nice. I hear it all of the time. It's a real problem for me.

I'm thinking I might go back to therapy with a new therapist by myself first. My meds doctor works in the same practice as the therapist I'm considering and specializes in PTSD.

After decades of caring for other people (also former inner city middle school teacher), I'm thinking me, me, me. Is that horrible? My daughter is grown.

I had to give up therapy for a while so that I could afford med checks and scripts. Now that we're out of Ch 13, I have no excuse.
Does that sound like an excuse to not get marriage counseling?

I think it would do you alot of good to get back into Therapy. You need time to build yourself up to possible do battle with your husband and the state of your marriage.. Its hard to voice your wants and needs if your feeling so beat down. Take care of you.. then decide if you even want to try and save the marriage.

I'm sorry your struggling Keep posting and Welcome to PC

In 2005 my career went into a tailspin and I lost a series of jobs. (Previously, I had been the bigger earner for many years.) Well, my boyfriend with whom I was living began belittling me. I was on a new job - very nervous - and he was saying "Oh, you'll blow this job, just like you blew the last one." I never dreamed he had it in him to be that mean. Seems I was more of a meal ticket to him than I realized. For a while I was too broke to leave, and I needed him to help care for our dog, who was ill.

After the poor dog died and I had enough money from a job that worked out, I got my own apartment. We still see each other, but there is a distance that will always be there. He has serious health problems now and I get to feeling bad that he lives alone. I have to remind myself why that is.

The truth is that I had been putting up with a lot of crap even before I started losing jobs. But I was able to put up with it while I felt strong. It's when we are weak and vulnerable that we see what a relationship is really made of. You, too, seem to have put up with a lot. You were able to, when you were staying on top of most things. Job insecurity is one of the worst things that can happen to a person accustomed to a good weekly paycheck.

I don't think your husband is trying to be free of his relationship with you. He just wants it back the way it was instantly. I heard a saying: "If someone doesn't value you when you are at your worst, then they don't deserve you when you are at your best."

I hope you continue recovering and feel strong again soon.

Therapy for you sounds like a step towards sorting through all of this. You asked did you trust the wrong person, yet again, in your life. Could it be also, he didn't display his authentic self to begin with? Hard to say, it's not usually a simple answer. His verbal tirades certainly aren't conducive to your feeling better. my sons' father once went on some tirade about my not being able to hold down a job. I was fresh out of college when i met him and then married with babies, how logical could his tirade possibly be? It's like kicking you when you're down. Why not? Obviously (sarcasm) we're why life isn't what they hoped it would be.

Thank you so much ladies. You told me what I really needed to hear. Yes it's going to be a battle Christina and I'm not feeling up to it yet. But I will get there. I happen to think I'm pretty amazing sometimes, but not often enough!

Rose, I just took a bath and didn't shave my legs for the 5th day in a row. Even that was emancipating! What a rebel! Luckily I rarely wear shorts, but if I did, it would be something alright!

Hope to talk to you two again! Ready to stop crying and start laughing.

I have a tendency to ignore red flags. Surprise surprise sarcasm. Lol Many hugs back at ya!

Me, too

Here's a quote from Pinterest that applies perfectly, but I don't know who the author is:
"A woman's loyalty is tested when the man has nothing;
A mans loyalty is test when he has everything."

Great quote. Thanks.