[TinaV]

Dear all,

I am new to this forum. My bf of 1.5 years broke up with me about 2 months ago, and I'm at the end of my rope.

Our relationship was perfect and harmonious. We never had any fights, and most of the time was long distance which worked out well. My bf brought up the marriage talk so I could move in with him. We filled out the necessary paperwork during my last visit to him, but then a month later out of the blue he says he wants to break up.

We didn't have any fights, although he was stressed out about moving to a new state and starting a new job. This caused him to be cold, get annoyed more easily and stress out over minor things.

He has been diagnosed with ADD when he was a teenager but doesn't take any meds. Since the breakup came so suddenly, I am wondering if he may also suffer from depression or bipolar disorder. He booked a ticket to come see me literally 6 days before the breakup!

In the meantime, he has shipped me my stuff back, deleted me off his Netflix account and put me on restricted Facebook privacy settings.

I have been reflecting on this for a while, but I still can't wrap my mind around since I can't find any reason to break up. We haven't talked a month now.

Is this depression or is he just an awful person but hid it well?

[hvert]

Wow, I don't think anyone can really explain his motivations, probably not even him. I'm sorry, that must be really baffling, to go from engaged to suddenly split with no explanation or warning at all.

[TinaV]

Originally Posted by hvert

Wow, I don't think anyone can really explain his motivations, probably not even him. I'm sorry, that must be really baffling, to go from engaged to suddenly split with no explanation or warning at all.

I don't understand it either! We worked so well together in My friends tell me it's either a new girl or depression, but he is very introverted. He doesn't talk much, and he hates social settings like bars. He also doesn't have any "true" friends. The people he considers to be friends are usually taking advantage of him, as in he fixes things for them.

[TinaV]

I don't understand it either. We went from everything is fine to nothing. He said he doesn't feel the drive anymore to put into the relationship what he used to. That's why I'm thinking about depression. He has had a lot on his plate lately with starting a new job and moving to a new state.

He is also not very social; doesn't have many friends, and the few people he considers as friends are usually taking advantage of him.

[healingme4me]

I feel that it's a slippery slope to try to wonder if someone was malicious in intent(i.e., awful person that hid it well) because it leads to a sense of victimization, which adds more to cope with.
It's a sad feeling to not get closure. Have you made any further attempts at gentle asking to have a mature discussion about what happened? You may not like the answers, yet closure really is helpful in the healing process.

What leads you to wonder about bipolar depression? Are there known symptoms in his past?

[TinaV]

I know that he battled depression about 3 years ago when his dad passed away. I didn't know him at the time though. He also has periods where he is down for no apparent reason. I feel like the past few weeks/months have been like that due to stress of switching jobs and moving. I am not sure if this is just part of his personality linked with ADD, or maybe something more like bipolar.

His house is usually messy, and he has trouble finishing tasks. When he broke up with me, he seemed to blame me for everything that went wrong in his life; his ADHD mother who drives him crazy, his OCD sister, our playful banter that he never had a problem with but suddenly considered that as annoying bullying, me trying to help him with household chores but suddenly he considered that as interfering with his life and criticizing how he does everything wrong (I have never said or implied that! I just did those things the way I usually do, and he just let me).

Since these thoughts that he was having didn't seem realistic/accurate/true and since they seemed to come so suddenly, I was thinking in terms of depression or possibly bipolar because of the 180 he made. The week before, he was talking about marrying me, and he booked a ticket to come see me. One week later, he didn't feel the drive and connection anymore and wanted to end things because of the reasons above.

Is this depression? Or maybe something else?

[healingme4me]

I think there'd need to be much more to behavior than this to reach a bipolar conclusion, not to say don't pay attention to what's nagging at you , if it were and things patched up, knowing about the illness can save you alot of emotional energy wasted wondering and worrying.
From what I'm reading there's so much seemingly unresolved about his family of origin issues and gosh, something minor to you could have royally set him off, with this cold feet business.
If pointing fingers of blame, he could very well be out of touch with what makes him tick and tock.
And without his dad, there could be something that's weighing on his mind.
Or he's just stubborn?

[scorpiosis37]

When something in a relationship goes wrong, one may try to label their partner with a mental illness to explain why it didn't work. You don't have the ability to diagnose your ex, nor can a mental illness be the sole reason why someone no longer wants to be in the relationship. It sounds like your ex may the type who holds little things in (things you did that bothered him) and then kind of blows up when he can't take them anymore. A lot of people do that, especially those who are more shy or who don't like confrontation. You may have thought everything was fine because he wasn't telling you how upset he was getting until it became too much. It does sound though like he did-- at the end-- tell you about the things that had been eating him up inside. So the relationshup did not feel as smooth or happy to him as it did to you. If he has made up his mind, then there isn't really anything you can do about it except move on. Sometimes, when you're dating someone who is shy or doesn't like confrontation, you can encourage them to share how they're feeling or ask if anything is bothering them gently. Giving them space and opportunity to share night help, so they don't bottle things up as much. I realize it can be frustrating to date someone who holds things in, but you can't change the other person (only yourself). Or you may realize you only want to date people who are more foreward.

I think we're mostly kind of guessing here, so I'll add my thoughts. I think it's possible that he's very stressed with the move and the new job and that he suddenly reached his limit of stress that he's able to tolerate and is making changes in his life to lower his stress level.

I have actually done something very similar myself and later very much regretted ending the relationship. At the time I was drowning in stress, though, and just trying to stay afloat. It's not that you are stressful - more just the existence of a relationship, particularly a long distance one.

That's my best guess.

[TinaV]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

I think we're mostly kind of guessing here, so I'll add my thoughts. I think it's possible that he's very stressed with the move and the new job and that he suddenly reached his limit of stress that he's able to tolerate and is making changes in his life to lower his stress level.

I have actually done something very similar myself and later very much regretted ending the relationship. At the time I was drowning in stress, though, and just trying to stay afloat. It's not that you are stressful - more just the existence of a relationship, particularly a long distance one.

That's my best guess.

Thanks. That's about my guess too. I know he shuts down when he is stressed. It also sounded to me as if he was making up excuses to break things off instead of giving me a reason or telling me about his frustrations so we could work them out.

Did you try to get back together with your ex? He cut me off on most social media, and apparently didn't hesitate to send me my stuff back that was still at his house.

Did you try to get back together with your ex?

No, I didn't. I think maybe I would have if he had lived locally instead of in another state (although I was the one who moved.)

I was pretty young then and it really wasn't until quite a few years later that I realized that extraordinary people like him are pretty hard to find.

At the time, I was just wrapped up in trying to stay afloat in a much larger city and at a new and demanding job.

[TinaV]

Well, he is turning 29 next month. It just baffles me that he cut me off like that. We went from talking almost constantly to complete silence without explanation. That fact in itself hurts me more than anything.

[divine1966]

I don't know what's with diagnosing one's exes on this site....

I never thought men didn't want to commit or be with me because they were mentally ill. I would hate to think that my exes decided I am mentally ill because I left them. Sometimes people just don't want to be with someone. It sucks but it happens. What difference does it make if one has add or ocd or depression. Does it make the break up easier?

And frankly he did tell you what was wrong.

It might feel untrue or inaccurate to you but if it bothered him then it was true to him. It doesn't make him crazy or mentally ill.

If you two didn't live together doing his household chores if he didn't ask you for it could feel very intrusive. I would dislike that. Playful banter is ok only up to the point and could get very annoying over time, yes it could feel as bullying, relationship long distance is too difficult and stressful etc etc

Perhaps the reason it didn't bother him in the beginning is the way we all feel when we first fall in love. We are a bit blind. And willing to allow things that aren't necessarily right. As the time progressed he saw its just not working for him. I sympathize with pain and it's not easy but you'll heal and meet the right person. Good luck

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[IceCreamKid]

I hope this helps. I have highlighted some things for your attention. You wrote:

My bf of 1.5 years broke up with me about 2 months ago, and I'm at the end of my rope.

Give yourself a little bit more time--maybe a month--to get over this. If you feel you cannot, you might want to consider seeing a counselor.

Our relationship was perfect and harmonious. We never had any fights, and most of the time was long distance which worked out well. My bf brought up the marriage talk so I could move in with him. We filled out the necessary paperwork during my last visit to him, but then a month later out of the blue he says he wants to break up.

We didn't have any fights, although he was stressed out about moving to a new state and starting a new job. This caused him to be cold, get annoyed more easily and stress out over minor things.

His upcoming move and new job likely loomed large in his eyes. Your depiction of him being "cold" says more about you and your expectations than it does about him. Please understand:

No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. I see those two ideas expressed most often on this website by people who are in distress, who have emotional difficulties, or who are dealing with others with emotional difficulties. Real life and real people and real relationships are imperfect. How we deal with those imperfect people and those imperfect relationships is the difference between good health and misery.

He has been diagnosed with ADD when he was a teenager but doesn't take any meds. Since the breakup came so suddenly, I am wondering if he may also suffer from depression or bipolar disorder. He booked a ticket to come see me literally 6 days before the breakup!

Impulsivity is a hallmark of ADD. He may not need medication; and he need not be suffering from depression nor bipolar. He may have realized he had made an impulsive decision and decided to change his mind. That needn't have come from any pathology. He may view it as righting a poorly thought-out decision.


In the meantime, he has shipped me my stuff back, deleted me off his Netflix account and put me on restricted Facebook privacy settings.

I have been reflecting on this for a while, but I still can't wrap my mind around since I can't find any reason to break up. We haven't talked a month now.

Here is your cue to seek a counselor. Give yourself a little more time, and if you still cannot adjust, nor see that his decision was his own and to be respected; and that now you are free to build your life according to a new plan, then consider seeing a counselor.

Is this depression or is he just an awful person but hid it well?


It may be neither. He decided this relationship wasn't right for him, so he has broken it off. He wasn't kind about it, but he may have thought a discussion would not have gone the way he wanted, so he made it quick and permanent.

I think what is important for you going forward is to decide what you want for you and your life, move slowly in your next relationship, make your next relationship local and in person if you truly want marriage, and expect imperfection, but have standards and morals and goals you are comfortable with and will not compromise on.

[~Christina]

I have had my share of failed relationships, I didn't really get closure in most all of them, yeah it sucks. I know any of them that I broke off I really didn't get down to the nitty gritty of why. I think it can be really cruel to point this and that out to the person in great detail. Of course every relationship is different.

The reality is a relationship often fractures and maybe someone is to blame for all of it or more likely both parties make mistakes and it's unbalanced... Possibly its just that its damn hard to keep a relationship healthy, they are really like a garden ....constant need of tending and weeding..

Every relationship I have been in good or bad .. I have always learned something from it.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I have had my share of failed relationships, I didn't really get closure in most all of them, yeah it sucks. I know any of them that I broke off I really didn't get down to the nitty gritty of why. I think it can be really cruel to point this and that out to the person in great detail.

I think you make a good point. I've been the one who has ended all three of my long-term relationships and, at least for me, the more I tried to explain my reasoning for wanting to end the relationship, the more resistance I got from my partner. The more I pointed out "you don't have X quality that I really need in someone," the more she would say "oh, but I can develop X! Now we can be together." But I didn't want to be together; I was done. It became very challenging to try and explain my decision to the other person's satisfaction. I realized that the less I explained and the more I just said "please respect the fact that I am done and I need to move on"-- the better I was able to get the the person to respect my decision and stop contacting me.

I've found this to be a challenge even with causal dating. I went on a first date just over a week ago and did not feel a connection.she did. She has spent the last week texting me, trying to convince me that my feelings are wrong and I need to "wake up" and realize how great we could be together. At first, I tried to politely explain why I was not interested. It didn't work. Finally, I just had to stop responding and delete any further messages from her.

I don't think there is a "right" or "kind"'way to break up with someone or tell someone you aren't interested. It's always hard and often messy.

[divine1966]

I left my ex of almost 9 years last year, we lived together and planned to get married . We are on good terms and he accepted I left. but he didn't get over me yet. He accepted I am done but he is convinced things were perfect and he will never find anyone like me and I have to give him another chance.

Well first of all things were not perfect at all or I wouldn't leave and second of all maybe he won't find anyone like me, I don't know. But I kind of already found someone who is already better partner than my ex.

Now it doesn't mean i Didnt love him of course I did or that I don't care if course I do or that we didn't have great life and love. We did.

But it's over. I moved on

So your ex moved on. It doesn't mean he became evil or is crazy. No. He moved on and so will you. Just give it time

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[healingme4me]

My first serious relationship, it took some time to recognize finality, fair to say on both sides, probably more of my own , it was a young, naive relationship with a complicated friendship base. It was hard for him to branch out about what his family life really looked like from the inside and that was important for him having support. I, too, had a hard time branching out with my own homelife realities. Both had ailing, dying parents to boot. His dad, my stepdad. His dad passed shortly before he graduated and my stepdad, shortly after I graduated. We clung, he and I both did. Closure was he moved on, and I eventually did. Closure attempts involved returning and having things rerurned.
The two year rebound, I ended. He tried ending once during, that didn't hold for some reason. Closure was returning something to him.
Then my marriage. He didn't accept that it was really happening. Blamed my mom for coercion. I wasn't tolerant of his mistreatment of me nor tolerant of how it can negatively impact children to witness. I've moved on, he i don't know is stuck in his ways.
I guess that I find closure a symbolic exchange and in person.

[divine1966]

I had to add that I really don't understand how you can say his thoughts weren't "realistic, accurate or true". If that's how he felt and what he thought about a relationship then it is realistic and accurate and true for him. Does it mean that only your thoughts on the matter are true? But it takes two to tango. By the same token he can say your perception of a relationship as harmonious and perfect is inaccurate and untrue as he didn't see it that way.

By the way 1.5 is s very common length of a relationship. initial excitement wears off a bit so relationship either goes to a deeper level or it ends.


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[FeelingHopeful]

It is Possible maybe he has some issues or something going on with commitment.Or he could be dealing with a illness, like everyone said we can't diagonose on here. But I wont rule out a mi , esp since you know him and were in the relationship , maybe there are signs we are unaware of. When this stuff happens you always hear maybe the person just didn't want to be with you , but sometimes underlying issues can be behind his behavoir but like you said you know him and we don't his patterns , I would wait it out and see I he comes back , if he does , it could very well be the depression or something more. Wishing you good luck!! I know the pain of not seeing or talking to your loved one as I am going through it myself.

[TinaV]

Some comments on here upset me as they seem to blame me for everything.

Our relationship really was harmonious without any fights. He easily gets frustrated but I always took away his frustrations with humor or any other way I could.

He has battled depression in the past, and he tends to fall into depression in periods of high stress levels. These past few months have been stressful due to the move, a new job, things going on at his former job, us filing the paperwork to get married, etc.

The cutoff came very sudden. Like I said, he booked a $1,500 flight to come see me 6 days before he suddenly wanted to break up.

If that's his decision, then fine. I was just wondering what could be going on, because I feel like I am not to blame for this. I haven't done anything wrong; I have even supported him to accept the job offer when he was in doubt about it.

Please look at the bigger picture instead of pointing fingers at me.

[healingme4me]

He spent $1500? Does he live overseas?

[avlady]

i think it was too much too fast for him. he isn't ready for a committment probably, and just realized it now that the time is getting closer. i would not waste more time with him although and get on with your own life.

[divine1966]

Ok. That's how much I pay when I fly to Europe from US or actually that's slightly more than I normally pay so perhaps it's further than us and Europe. So of course it's harmonious if you lived in different countries. What's there to argue about?

Now filing up paperwork makes sense because I first thought what paperwork one needs to file in the same country?

Well relationships that are that far distance and that require that much work as filing for legal residences green cards etc often don't work because it is very tough.

I immigrated myself ( not for a man though) and it's not easy to uproot. And my daughter immigrated twice! It's hard as it is.

Relationships are tough even when it's close by let alone far! My new boyfriend lives 50 miles away and we already think that one of us would have to move and maybe look for a new job if it gets serious as this driving back and forth is stressful as we work long hours and opposing schedules. No way I'd be doing overseas dating!

He most likely realized how much work that is! It maybe wasn't that sudden for him.
You'll find right person in your area. Doesn't matter if he is depressed or not. He might be but that's pointless to waste time investigating his mental illness. It's more productive to work on your own healing and your own life


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[Middlemarcher]

I would read and re-read Scorpiosis's post, if I were you. Not having any fights in a relationship, having things always be harmonious, is not usually the good thing it seems to be.