Why are social outcasts blamed for their situation?

I am sorry you had such bad experience

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This is my motto when dealing with others....

That's a horrible way to behave! Most people, believe it or not, are not actually out to make someone else's life miserable. Treating people horribly to make yourself happy because OTHER people you perceived as treating you horribly... then you're just creating more people like yourself!

You're totally not justified in intentionally causing others pain for your own selfish desires! If everyone did that.... we'd be extinct as a species. No one has that right, even though a lot of people do it. Do you really want to lower yourself to that and know that you're just continuing a viscious cycle?

It wouldn't be fair of you to treat person A badly because person B treated you badly.

At the same time - life isn't fair. You aren't happy. You view this as exclusively being the fault of others - that isn't fair either. Other people may seem to have things easier than you, but others have things worse.

I honestly don't understand how people can be like that - taking their anger and resentment out on other people. Then again - I can't even fathom causing pain to the people who've caused ME a great deal of pain - I want them to be happy, even if they've hurt me. The thought of causing OTHERS the sort of pain I've felt?? That actually makes me feel sick.

Wow.

Just wow.

I do criticize society a lot, but I would never percieve people in such hateful way.

You don't have to be part of the mainstream society you know. You just need guts to do so. And there will be always people who hate you, even if you are mainstreamest of the mainstream. Accept that and move on and do your own thing.

I am not oblidged to like anybody. I just let live. And right now there are biggest problems in the world than your personal happiness and society needing to bend over to let you have it.

And not sure about society rules and what they percieve wrong. Maybe I became immune to that lately, with more important things on my mind. (You know like the mess in the Middle East, the tensions in Europe, Greece on the brink, Ukraine barely holding up, economic crisis... all that. Next to it "does my neighbor think I am WEIRD?" really pales in significance. People cannot really hurt you unless you let them for most of the case.)

Unless you living in country with low level of human rights, you don't have to follow anything but legal laws and some basic code of conduct. Nobody can force you to do anything.

Unless you look for reasons to feel opressed so you can post about it in horrible graphics on tumblr.

I am actually a lot like you. I am too empathetic to be capable of causing people pain, even if they "deserve it". So no, I don't actually do anything to hurt other people.

However, I do not believe that I have a moral responsibility to sacrifice my happiness simply because society wouldn't approve of my actions.

Well, I actually don't look at people in such a hateful way, it's more so the collective that I hate, not the individuals. I hate the values, the rules, the attitudes, the common behaviors which are normal in our society. I hate that a person can't just be who they are and still get the same respect as everyone else. People think they can disrespect others they please, but what they don't realize is that when someone is constantly denied acceptance and respect, it becomes very difficult for them to form social connections at all. So people who show disrespect to others are collectively responsible for forcing them into loneliness. Yes, FORCING them, meaning it is an act of aggression, the same as robbing or imprisoning someone. Yes, they are ALL responsible, even if they don't feel like it. No snowflake in an avalanche feels responsible.

I think a big part of the problem is also that our culture usually does not take shame and embarrassment as seriously as it should. Doing physical harm to someone is considered unacceptable and society will step in to make sure something like that does not happen. But if someone is shamed or humiliated, well that sucks but it's life get over it. Well, what people don't realize is that shame is actually a form of pain. It has actually been shown by scientific studies that when someone is experiencing shame and embarrassment, the same brain circuits are activated that would be activated when they experience physical pain. So how do you think people would look at it if someone was being kept out of social involvement because of being threatened with physical violence?

Shadix.... You are absolutely stuck in this stupid cycle. You are allowing this obsession with society and your skewed ideas are making you feel like you cant enjoy your life..

If you spent half the time just going out and interacting with people as you do ranting and raving about what you think society is or had done to make your life so difficult.

Yes your mad , upset and rageful about how life isn't fair.. Its not ! It's life. Some people will like you, some don't. So what !

Seriously, The world doesn't owe you and apology, it doesn't...

My childhood was pretty horrific, I was constantly bullied and much worse things. I had every reason to hate people and rage .. I had a choice... Engage in life and work to having an enjoyable life or sit back whine complain and give up. I made a decision I wanted a life and not get sucked into a whirlwind of negativity. Positive people attract positive people

You are not in middle school, you are an adult. Stop this ridiculous thought process.

I made a decision when I was 16, that was a bit more aggressive. Possibly the most aggressive decision I've ever made!

I decided that my brain, and my family, could f*** off and that I wasn't going to let them win. I decided that I was going to win. I've been at war with my own brain for half my life now

But most of the time I win, and I'm living a pretty good life... and enjoy it a hell of a lot more than I ever thought I could. I still get depression (yay bipolar!) and I still have a very low self-esteem and a lot of insecurities and issues that crop up when I get close to people.

So, while I blame my own brain and have a lot of negatives from my family, I decided that I was going to succeed in ways that they thought I couldn't, and that I was going to live the life I wanted and not the life that I was raised to accept.

It just took me making that decision, and then not giving up. Still have to remind myself consistently!

I feel a quote coming - oh here it is.

"Your life doesn't get any better than your mind is: You might have wonderful friends, perfect health, a great career, and everything else you want, and you can still be miserable. The converse is also true: There are people who basically have nothing—who live in circumstances that you and I would do more or less anything to avoid—who are happier than we tend to be because of the character of their minds. Unfortunately, one glimpse of this truth is never enough. We have to be continually reminded of it." Sam Harris

you can not know what anyone reaction might be. some might be angry and bitter. some might be like Viktor Frankl. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl
you spend to much time worrying about what others have and do and interpreting it in th light of your past experiences. it cannot be all of society's fault you are angry bitter.
no offence you deserve to be happy but you have to work at it. you seem stuck ina groove going over the same ground
why not act as you want and stop caring what people think?

I've been dealing with this recently, so I wanted to give my support to those who are dealing with being an "outcast." I can understand where you're coming from, Shadix, and those who also have felt angered and bitter about the way they've been treated. It's true that some are treated much worse than others by the majority of society, especially depending on what region they live in. I remember watching children my own age being bullied for the most shallow of reasons, and no doubt many of those bullies have grown into selfish adults. Some towns are closed-minded to others, some places are full of racist or homophobic people, and if you fit into a minority group that is looked down on, or are different in a way that most people don't like, you're probably not going to enjoy yourself socially as much as mostly everyone else. Sometimes you are just different enough to the point that you can't make any friends, and people avoid you. And the sad thing is, since you're in the minority, everyone will probably put the blame on you. "You're just gay, and gays are weird." "You're super ugly." "I don't want to be around someone who can't even walk right." "You're a loser with no job." "You have no friends, what a loser." "You're an unhappy person, and I don't like unhappy things." You can become defined by your issues, and then you're no longer relateable as a human being. You become some lesser being to most people.

I can understand why you'd be angry for so many people in society not accepting others. But, I think it's right that you need to accept others for who they are before most can really start seeing you as a human yourself. If someone's unnecessarily cruel to you, or tries to put you in that "special" box, call them out on it. Let people know you are a human with normal feelings. Remind them of your own life and hobbies, and even your dreams. Look at the movements that have overcome the shaming of certain groups. Did society as a whole just up and say, "You know, this is wrong. Let's accept them now!" No, that never seems to happen. Instead, acceptance came from those minority groups fighting for acceptance, even against those in that same group who agreed with the rest of society and gave up on themselves. Yes, at first they were rejected. But look at today. Look how many people are accepted, even for "problems" people previously associated with them. If you can understand why people outcast you, you have a chance to change their thinking, or maybe at least show you're a real person.

When there's some good reason you're an "outcast," such as being very aggressive and dangerous, or you act in a way that makes people scared, or something something similar, there's still things you could do. When you understand where people's reasoning for rejecting you comes from, you may be able to change your behavior, or at least feel some solace to know it's not because of who you really are.

For better or worse, when people tell me that I need to act like an adult for feeling a certain way, like when ~Christina said to act like an adult and get over it, it can make me feel like they are part of the group who has shoved me into a small box hidden under a desk, metaphorically. But they aren't trying to do that. They see you in their own shoes, and how they themselves acted to get out of similar situations. However, how do we know that others understand what we do experience? How do we know what they've experienced? If advice seems reasonable enough for a try, and not dangerous of course, than it's worth it, even if the person had it much easier, or much harder, than us.

Are we actually rejected much more often then the average person, like the little kid with funny glasses and a limp in a crowd of school children, or the adult man who's "terribly ugly," or the person with asperger's syndrome who acts strangely? Or are we just not getting out enough and need to spend more time in public?

I think like all problems, you start at the most likely sources of the problem, and then work your way down to the less likely causes, like a mechanic would.

I wondered what was wrong with me because people seemed to treat me so differently than everyone else. So, I started at the most likely problems. Maybe I did something stupid in public I was unaware of, or maybe I just needed to talk more to people.

However, dealing with people more often, that didn't solve my problem yet, so I think it comes from two sources now: my own paranoia, and that I don't "think" like most people, for better or worse.

I wish you luck, Shadix, and everyone else with this problem. I can understand how wrong it is for so many "normal," accepted people, to treat you like you're not worth anything as a human. And it makes you think society is in the wrong for making you feel guilty for not fitting in. "You must be doing something to make people angry." "You're not worth the time to feel sorry for yourself." In the end, selflessness is always your own choice, and it can make you feel angry for people to force you to be that way, as though for their own benefit, or to satisfy their own bitterness. But I think in the end, they just don't understand you, which can be a relief to know. But I really do think accepting the way they are, the insecurities they themselves may have, and their own feelings they need to protect, might help make sense out of their actions. Plus, when your own happiness takes priority, being positive and accepting can come naturally.

I know this may come across as harsh and maybe "feel" like what some people do to you, but, self awareness is the key to overcoming lots of "issues". In other words, you are aware of your social awkwardness and it's affecting your life.

Yes, normal human beings will withdraw at times, but it doesn't affect their lives on a large scale. And, you're right, they aren't like you, so they can't relate. When people don't understand or have the ability to empathize, they push it away.

You will need to focus on the reasons you have social anxieties or awkwardness, not just the fact that you are that way. Why is it that you are that way? Once you identify, accept those reasons, you'll be able to start moving past it. People with this kind of thing get stuck in a loop of negative thinking which is self-defeating. "I'm not good enough", "I'm not pretty", I'm not smart", etc. Focus on your good qualities and highlight them to yourself. If there are things you don't like about yourself, work on them. Pick one thing that you don't like and work on that. Don't look at all the things, just deal with one at a time.

Sometimes making one little change, is enough to give you a boost in confidence and it morphs into more. You have the ability to make your life the way you want it to be. You can't change others, but you can change yourself. Only you have that power.

Sometimes I still get insecure about what people "think" of me, how they/society perceives me, etc.

I've found that if i ruminate over these issues - I'm making things worse for myself and I'm also making assumptions, too. I used to get nearly paranoid about what others in society where thinking of me and how they were judging me silently --- when my therapist pointed out that the vast majority of people are so focused on their own lives and selves ... that I shouldn't worry so much. That people aren't thinking of me nearly as much as I suspected.

It was lol and kind of a lightbulb moment, for me. I feel much "lighter" now. I accept myself for who I am and treat others how I'd like to be treated. I steer clear of toxic people the best that I can.

Take care. A day at a time. xo

My grandmother said something to me once when I was young and feeling self-conscious, etc. -- "People don't think about you as much as you think they do"

Yeah I've heard all that about how people allegedly don't think about you and are too busy focusing on their own lives, and I would expect that to be the case. However, my experience has been that people do pass judgement on others, and they don't even think about it much, they just do it naturally. Often times I would notice that people I have barely interacted with start talking to me like I am inferior or something. They aren't usually mean about it or anything, they probably think they are being nice, but the way they talk to me it's obvious I am someone they feel sorry for and don't take seriously. But yes there are also others who act like they are irritated and annoyed by me, even when I have barely interacted with them. It's almost like they just hate my face or my voice or my mannerisms or something.

Now, all this is while I am being pretty reserved and careful not to say or do anything that would upset others. How much worse would it be if I actually decided to be myself uncensored and let people see all my undesirable qualities that I have as a result of not having the fulfilling social experiences that others have when they are younger?

Perhaps I can forgive society for what I was put through in the past. But what I cannot forgive is how people want to continue making me suffer.

Here is a perfect example of the kind of thing I am talking about when I say people like me are blamed for their situation. I posted a question/rant on yahoo answers about how the dating scene sucks so bad after college. Here is exactly what I posted. Here is an actual reply I got from someone:

"You sound like you wouldn't be much fun yourself having been socially awkward and depressed before and then wanting women to waste their time with you when you clearly have not developed a lot of graces - and don't want a real meaningful relationship to boot. What would be the point of putting up with your negativity? - it sounds like going out with you would be painful. What sort of enjoyment would you offer a woman? It's sounds like none."

In other words, people screwed me up with their bullying and rejection and now I am the problem for not being "pleasant" enough. And all that matters apparently is what I have to offer women. My needs are irrelevant, only theirs matter. If I am forced into eternal loneliness it's ok but God forbid a woman ever ends up going out with a guy who doesn't give her everything she wants.

You can choose to stop living your life as a victim...

Reading through this thread has made me very uncomfortable and somewhat afraid. I have known people who have gone on similar rants and they all became very violent. A lot of the violence in the news, when they interview the attacker, he/she often believes that he/she was the victim.

Let go of the past. Or dont. But the more you blame and judge people, the less they will want to be around you, the more you will blame them... eventually... well... I do not see a happy ending. For anyone.

That's why I strongly recommended at least therapy or some other intervention but nothing happens.

Believing that society did you wrong is not productive way to live.

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This saying seemed appropriate

A Cherokee Legend

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

The past is the past. What I am more concerned with is the present and the future. I would forget about the past if I started getting respect and social acceptance now. But when people continue to treat me like a loser, it opens up old wounds. It is basically like telling me all those people who bullied me and rejected me in the past were right. I need them to be wrong. That is why I am so committed to fulfilling my social ambitions, to prove that they were wrong and I am awesome.

I am not the one blaming and judging people, they are the ones blaming and judging me. They are free to stop doing that any time. But I am not going to respond to shaming and rejection with love and appreciation. I am not Jesus Christ.

But what if they did do you wrong? Should you deny reality in order to be at peace?

What if they were the victim in some way? Of course violence isn't justified, but isn't it entirely possible that the person was in fact oppressed by others and that is what drove them to be violent? I feel like people have a tendency to assume that whenever there is a conflict between the individual and the greater collective, that the individual's point of view is invalid. What is morally right always seems to be determined by the majority opinion. This is why society is all powerful and people who deviate from society's norms will usually end up defeated and shamed.