girlfriend with history of abuse, need help

This is my first post here. I really would like some advice and support.

I will try to be brief. I have been in a relationship with, I believe, a good woman now for two years. I have to decide if I should continue or not, to become engaged and married or not. During the first year of our relationship, in retrospect I realize that she was abusive - I will explain below. After that year, I ended the relationship briefly. At that point, she began to see a therapist and since then, her behavior has really changed. But I can't bring myself to commit to marry her in spite of this. I continue to think about what happened in the past, and I am afraid that she will revert to the way she was. I do not want to waste both of our time, at the same time I do not want to miss out on a happy future with her. I also fear that down the road, she will go back to who she was.

My history...I'm mid thirties. I have a great job that I really like, and pays well. I have a spectacular loving family that I love. I grew up in a lower middle class neighborhood with little money but abundant love and community. My parents have a good marriage. They are kind people. Whatever I choose to do, they will be supportive. They never once hit me, never even really yelled at me, nor did they need to. They have always spoke well of each other. They rarely argued, and violence was unheard of. I have a large extended family and they are the same, everyone gets along with each other. I've dated a lot in the past, had enough relationships such that I do think I know the kind of person I want to marry. She likes my family.

Her history...a few years younger than me. She has a great job too, and she likes it enough I think, she is attractive, smart, organized. Her family situation however is very difficult. She is barely on speaking terms with her father and brother. She has a strained (at best) relationship with her mother. To my knowledge, she has never told her family that she loves them, nor have they told her, I think maybe ever. Her parents, both professionals and well educated, are divorced. Prior to their divorce, they were violent with each other. They also frequently cursed at each other, strong expletives constantly, constantly telling the other that they are worthless. I am frankly somewhat surprised they are both alive and well at this time, knowing what I know now about their past. It's possible that her parents hit her, I don't know for sure, I suspect yes. They certainly emotionally abused her. They continue to speak poorly of her, which is why she rarely interacts with them now. None of this did I know when I met her, and I did not know most of these details until a few months ago. She is certainly affected by all this and I know this haunts her, understandably so. Her parents know me, and they at least seem to like me. But knowing her parents, I would not have guessed at their history, they act pretty normal around me. She has also told me that some prior relationships of hers were abusive.

Our history...we began dating two years ago. It started out well. We have common interests. We get along so well on a day-to-day basis, and still do. We fell in love. We spent a lot of time together, we still do. After several months of dating, I thought maybe I could even marry her. About six months into the relationship, I noticed some things however, her anger, it was way out of proportion. She would perceive things that were hardly noticeable to me, and react with screaming tantrums, often aimed at me. There were probably about five episodes of great significance. Without going into detail, she would say I was garbage, tell me that I am the cause of all her problems, tell me that I did not deserve someone of her level, tell me that before I met her I was nothing, that I should fear that she will leave me at any moment, in addition to screaming expletives at me that I will not post here. Each time, she would later apologize afterwards, tell me that our love was strong, and tell me that we were meant for each other. I felt that I believed her. There were times when her anger was demonstrated quite publicly, although most times it was at least in private. At one point, she became violent, pushing, hitting, and breaking things. She then told me that I was at fault. This was terrifying. I had no idea what to do. I just wanted to get out, fast, and forever, I literally tried to just run. After that, she apologized once again, only to tell me she was ending it with me a few days later. Honestly, my first reaction was relief. When things calmed down, she begged me to try to continue to be with her, that I could not abandon her like everyone else does. She literally begged, she seemed sincere, I really felt sorry for her. It was really about sympathy at that point although I still loved her. But I told her that how she acted was just too much for me, that I could not be in this anymore. At that point, she said she would go and see a therapist. She asked if I would at least give her another chance if she did that, and I did. Then, very fast, her behavior started to change.

Over the next several months, I think she actually did change. She has no longer been so angry, upset, unstable. She has not even remotely been violent or aggressive. I’ve also seen her therapist, and the therapist also thinks she has changed, too. We have spent a lot of time together in the past several months and the times have been good. The time has come now where I need to make a decision. I love her, but lingering doubts as to if she will ever become again who she was before prevent me from committing to this. I really just want to have a stable family life like the one I came from. I think this is also her desire. I do not blame her for actions in the past, in retrospect, she was only acting how she was taught (I did not know her parents history until recently after seeing the therapist. I suspect many things however, she will still never tell me). She says she wants to marry me and have a family and I believe her. Is it really possible for someone to change this drastically in less than a year? I trust that she is now acting like the person she wants to be, but I can’t say that I fully trust that she will be able to remain so in the future. I just want both of us to be happy. The thing is, for the most part, even when she was so angry, most days were really nice. Sorry for the long post.

What makes now the time? Several months of improved behavior is a short time in the overall picture that you describe.

She wants to know if I'm going to marry her or not. Basically, she doesn't want to wait around if I'm unsure.

Personally I would never allow anyone to pressure me to get married .. Nope, no thanks.

If the shoe was on the other foot, Your the female and the Man acted like her.. Well that would be certainly domestic abuse and everyone would be telling you to get out.. This is no difference.

If your Gut says Wait!!! then wait.

Thank you for the reply. Yes, in retrospect I should not have given her another chance. But the fact is, I did. And now, her behavior is much better. She regrets her past behavior and tells me this often. She has many positive qualities.

I guess my question is: can I trust that she has truly changed? Is she likely to revert back to bad behavior in the future given that over the last nearly one year things have been good? I am very torn on this.

Hmm that's interesting. That strikes me as a rather aggressive move, which I would take that as a sign that she still has work to do on herself. In my opinion, it is unreasonable to demand a commitment this soon in her recovery.

"Waiting around" is allowing time for her to heal. If it were me, I would just say that I don't think enough time has passed to make a decision. If she leaves in response to that, so be it.

Thank you for the response. I think her desire for full commitment now is based on her desire to have children sooner rather than later. The therapist suggested waiting for a few more months, and then reassessing.

I asked the therapist if the therapist thought she may have borderline personality disorder. She said no, but she has many of the traits however not enough for her to make that diagnosis.

She claims she is "healed" - never to resume her prior behaviors. She thinks I am being too harsh on her for not appreciating the changes she has made. I do appreciate the changes. However, I'm just not convinced they are forever yet. It's a tough situation.

She can get frustrated all she wants, Thats showing her immaturity tbh.

As for her being Borderline? Sure she might be.. not all cases are cut and dry black and white

But the reality is... no you cant hold her past abuse over he head forever... but for her to expect you to just move forward without being wary isn't fair to you.

if she isnt willing to allow you the time you need to feel secure and trust that she has a handle on whatever it was that caused her to act that way... Well then ... maybe she isn't the right one for you.

Take. Your. Time

The actual diagnosis isn't really the issue. People with as little as one symptom can be awful, people with many can be terrific.

It sounds like she is about 30. At that age, having children now is not a pressing biological issue for most women. Even if you were to marry her now, my thought would be to wait for a bit on children. Once there are children, you are permanently tied to her (whether or not married). It isn't known, I expect, how she will react to having children. I imagine it would, at a minimum, raise issues of childhood trauma. I wonder what her therapist would say about her having children right away.

It is also interests me that your friend isn't willing evidently to accrpt the therapist's modest advice of waiting a few more months.

No matter how good things are, you are hesitant. I would suggest giving strong consideration to that voice that is telling you to wait.

Thank you again. I think time is what I need. I've said that to her enough times that she should understand.

I'm not someone who believes anyone is the "right one" - each person is just varying in degrees of "rightness" and "wrongness".

And thank you again. I have not asked the therapist about how children would affect things (that is, in relation to her childhood trauma).

She is 33 actually. Still not pressing biologically in my opinion. I think she wants children in part to fulfill the need to have a loving family that will not abandon her, which she did not have growing up. Whether this is a good reason to have children or not I am not sure.

The voice (which is my own) is saying to wait. Can't really go against that.

If she is unwilling to wait, and I am unwilling to marry and have children on her timeline, then perhaps it is up to her if she ends this or not.

A child should not be thrust into the role of one who will never abandon it's mother (as the mother defines "never abandon"). This makes the child's purpose to be meeting it's mother's needs, rather than the other way around.

"If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster." ~Ben Stein

Were I in your position, I would take umbrage that she doesn't want to wait around for you when she has been the one with the behavioral issues. It does not sound like she has matured enough to "get it" that marriage is a partnership and making demands on the other is not how it best functions. I would move on. Loving a marriage partner means you've got their back, not that they have yours.

If you don't mind me asking , around what age is she ? Why the rush to get married esp if you are dealing with the stuff you mentioned , why the rush? just curious , is this a person you have known a long time before dating . ? Wondering if she exhibited this behavour before you dated , if there is a pattern, maybe she is dealing with some issue?

She is 33.

She behaved similarly before me; there is a pattern.

The point is she sought therapy, and has improved a lot. She doesn't act how she did before therapy. The issue is the past issues, and if she is really changed forever.

Not sure anyone reads this except me, but, she decided she can't wait and is ending the relationship. My first reaction is sadness.

I'm sorry.

I'm kind of relieved for your sake. No. it is not possible for someone to change that drastically in one year. And she has just proved that by demanding you commit this soon in her "recovery." The truth is that she knew she couldn't keep up the act too much longer. I do believe she wants to change, but she is abusive and she hasn't changed. Her ultimatum to you was abusive. How do you think she will treat your kids?

Stop feeling sorry for her. Yes, her behavior is ansolutely a product of what she grew up with, and I don't doubt she received very hard treatment herself. But your future kids shouldn't have to pay for that, and they will, if you marry her. You're a nice guy. Go find yourself a nice girl. She's too damaged. She's not a nice person. It doesn't really matter that it may not be her fault.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I am sorry. But you are better off. Yes it is sad but you will be ok. Hugs

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Listen I grew up with abusive dad and watched my parents' horrible marriage but I don't behave like she does. Sure it effected my choice of men but neither I nor my brother became abusive or violent. I don't mistreat people. These are just excuses

You'll find more appropriate lady soon

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