Emotional walls

She is. (I believe it with all my heart.)

I don't feel needed. (That's why this is an issue in the first place)

It does. (Read: this thread)

And tonight happens.

A conversation between us. I am C, she is E. J is a guy she talks to sometimes and he was interested in her...or something. It's complicated.

"E: Are you telling people we are dating?

C: No (and I really am not)

E: Because J said someone told him today that we were.

C: I haven't said that.

E: J has a date tonight and I said with who, and he said 'it doesn't matter, you and C are dating anyway.' I said 'I haven't even seen C in a week.'"

It just felt like her response was "C? Ew, no"

So I asked her directly, do you have any interest in dating me. She said things have happened so fast and she needs time to process things with a clear head and not caught up in the moment. She did say "I haven't written you off, I want you to know that." WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! Maybe it's the lack of sleep, or the heavy work/school load, but I don't know what's going on here.

She is emotionally unavailable. Either plays Head games Or just isn't emotionally there. If you two aren't a couple and aren't even dating and it is already that much work, I think you deserve better. She isn't that into you but is considering keeping you around for now. Not cool.

Move on friend. You deserve better

Lack of sleep or heavy load? Nope. I work two jobs like 65-70 hours a week total and am perpetually exhausted I don't talk to my BF like that

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This is what I tried to warn you about. You are going to need a ton of patience with her and for now you need to manage your emotions and expectations and simply just be her friend until she can get clear in her own head. You are going to get "non-committal"/unclear responses from her for quite some time.

Keep in light touch, don't ask her out. Wait a couple of weeks, ask her on a date. If she refuses, I'd cut bait here. If she can't even commit to a date, there's a bigger issue than we even realize.

That is a tough conversation. But, it sounds like she does not look at you the way you look at her. You have all these feelings for her and she either is aware of them and doesn't reciprocate or doesn't know the extent of them and is just as confused as you are.

I still echo my earlier post. Be honest, be up front, and let the chips fall where they may. If you tiptoe around her and wait on her, you'll overanalyze these fleeting conversations and be left confused and distraught.

I know that she means a lot to you. And I know it is probably terrifying to think about anything that might cause her to put up even MORE walls between you. But, just from this most recent interaction, the walls are there. Giving her time, giving her space, etc. will not cause those walls to come down. If it is right, it will happen. But, not being honest with her won't do YOU any favors nor her.

If she is not emotionally ready for anything (even friendship) then that is not healthy for you either.

I really wish you all the best. There is no one right answer, but honesty and being true to yourself is important for your own sanity and emotional wellness.

I'm not saying to profess love to her or anything dramatic. But, something as simple as "I really enjoy talking with you and I am getting some mixed signals. I'd like to hang out and get to know you better but sometimes it feels like you might not be up for that." Those are true to your own feelings and honest. And put the ball in her court. You can't fault her for not reciprocating feelings if you haven't even put yourself out there. Again, this is all based on what I've read so we can only speculate and hypothesize based on what you report here.

You've got our support, no matter which direction you choose.

J finds out that C is dating E. J chides E by turning around and saying too bad he'll go out with Y now, since E is with C. And E is upset with C because someone leaked this? When C was willing to give E his heart and soul? E's Loss!

Well, after a VERY confusing day of texting as little as I could while still being polite, I got to see her tonight. She was in a fair amount of pain for most of the day, and I offered to bring her dinner. Around dinner time, she said she would like to go out for dinner, and I asked could I take her. She said yes, and would I like to watch a movie afterwards. Of course I said yes. Dinner was ok, though she spent the whole ride home on her phone. It was about a 20 minute drive without conversation. We put in a movie at her house (Friday, for those who may be curious) and she cuddled up to me on the couch. I was pretty surprised by this. She fell asleep nearly immediately. About halfway through the movie she woke up and wanted to go to bed. I thanked her for a good night, and she thanked me (sincerely) for dinner. Here's where it gets interesting. After a very unexpected kiss, she said "I hope this means I get to see more of you." She has a list of movies that her coworkers gave her as "homework" and said I should help her watch them before the end of the year. That's a couple of movies a week. The night ended with her implying that she wanted this to continue. She was very open, and I felt her letting me in a little. Maybe I over reacted or over analyzed the last few weeks. Maybe not. I don't know, but I know that a tiny chip was made in the walls tonight, though I couldn't tell you how or why. Gonna keep things nice and slow and see where it goes. My T is supportive of this, so it can't be all bad.

Dont stop and trust me overtime and with persistence but also not demanding she will slowly lower her walls. And it eill be all worth it anf i know how hard it may be and eager at times to deal with cuz of how your emotions are and where you wish to be but just gotta do our best and keep showing support, keep it up,you got this

Maybe it's just me. But she is unavailable. Sure maybe she'll change but usually people don't. i wouldn't date someone who spends the entire time on the phone while I am taking person places. Unless she was talking to seriously ill mother who needed help I just don't get it. I
Think you deserve better

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Or do cut bait here and try to patch things up with my ex? That would be so much easier. I mean, we own a house together, two cars, two dogs...the relationship is salvageable if we both put in some work (me more than her).

I just don't know where I'll be happier. It's a leap of faith anywhere I go. Single, with my ex, with E...no easy road.

I would say give this new girl a try. It seems like it may have a solid chance at working once you earn each others trust and get past any issues with each other.

From my experience, getting back with exes isn't a good idea and it's best to put them behind you, forget they ever existed, and move on. All you're really doing is reopening old wounds if you try to get with your ex and it becomes more painful if they choose to decline.

Take care of yourself first and foremost and focus on the future and enjoy the present. Learn what you can from the past, but forget about it and move on once you learned what you can from your experiences.

I didn't realize you are the same guy who just moved out. Wow. And you already in love with this unavailable person. Why not stay single for awhile. Jumping from relationship to relationship is never s good idea

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Yeah, so she is emotionally unavailable. But when I view it from that perspective instead of simply seeing the walls she has built, it changes things. The walls are a symptom, not the issue.

She won't love me for a very very long time, if ever, and I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. At the same time, though, if I just up and leave it totally validates any fear she has that this is what will happen, thus making it harder for her to let herself fall in love in the future and be happy. I can't do that, either, because I want for her to be happy. Though preferably with me. I'm not in love with this woman, but I have feelings for her so strong that they scare me very much. I think I'm going to wait it out for a while and see what happens. There are times when we are together that she let's her guard down almost completely and it gives me hope. She talks about a future for us, she will be affectionate for a few minutes, her tone changes, her eyes sparkle...it pulls me in. If only I could see her more than one afternoon a week.

Depends what makes you happy. If this feels good go for it. It honestly sounds miserable to me but been there done that.

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It's both. It feels so good when she has those moments where she drops her guard. So good. Like this is the only thing that matters in the world. But the rest of the time, it's really frustrating. I feel clingy, needy, annoying. She feels distant, apathetic, distracted. I don't know if it's worth it or not, honestly.

It is typical highs and lows of relationship with unavailable person. That's how unhealthy relationship looks like. Feeling frustrated or needy or clingy isn't a sign of healthy relationship. Not worth it.

I honestly think you need to heal from your last relationship first.

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Open up about yourself, and she may find it safe enough to open up about herself.

Pfft, done. I've always been an open book (haven't exactly been holding back here, either) so opening up to her isn't an issue. We have (occasionally) long conversations about who we are and what has shaped our lives. She opens up to me...SOMETIMES...but it's for a few minutes once every couple weeks or so, and I can feel her pull back hard the next day.

You've put yourself out there, that's all that matters. Seems she's emotionally unavailable. None of us posters can tell you what you already don't know yourself. Now ask yourself if you can deal with this emotional unavailability on her part. Then make your decision. I can only say that if I were in your shoes, one I wouldn't emotionally give without some sort of reciprocity. If I sensed that someone isn't willing to be emotionally open with me, I move on. I can only surmise that it likely won't change much in the future, especially if I have put myself out there and got nothing back. Communication is my big thing, and it's gotta be 50/50. So if I were in your shoes I'd have moved on. But again, there's so little info here and we don't know the full story.

Well, ya'll might not be as pumped as I am, but we have a date tonight...and she asked for it! Details tomorrow, I suppose.

It was weird.

I went over to her house (20 minutes, all highway) and she said she wanted to paint her room. That's cool, I'm the handy type and I love doing that stuff, so I was happy about it. Worked on it till 3:30 this morning (happens to be my 30th birthday today) and we got really tired. I didn't expect to stay the night when she invited me over, but I also didn't expect to spend 5 hours working on her room, and as late as it was, I thought she wouldn't make me drive home. Well guys...



She did.

After I cleaned up some of the painting stuff, she brought me my keys and wallet and said "I hate for you to have to drive home, but..."

Sweet. Happy birthday to me.

The best present she could have gotten me would be waking up next to her today. I mean, I've stayed there before, what gives?

I think this was a test or something. To see how much I will push away after being treated poorly. Well I've got new for you, toots; I've got a fairly high tolerance for your crap and I'm going to act like nothing even happened. NOTHING. I'm fairly certain she won't want to hang out today, her Fibromyalgia will be giving her fits today after all that painting, that's just life.

Am I a sucker? Probably

Am I a fool? Maybe

Am I still into this girl? 100%, God knows why

The girl is smart. I have to give it to her. She got her room painted for free.

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Yep. And then today she invites me to dinner tonight...at her parents' house.

I just don't understand. The moment I'm about to give up, she gives me a tiny glimpse of hope and it pulls me back in. There is clearly some kind of issue going on with me here, but I don't know what or why.

Oh come on, man...

Please don't be offended I said this. Yes you're a sucker and a hopeless romantic. "She has my heart, I just want her to let me in..." or something you said earlier, right? You're a little too old at 30 to say things like that. She knows a sucker when she sees one and she just used you. And that's all it's going to be going forward. Just crumbs of hope here and there in exchange for "hey can you do X, Y, Z for me?". She's a savvy girl with some problems in the conscience department. And you're a masochist. Try to figure why you are into women like this, and please stop being a sap, for your own dignity and manhood.

A test? Stop trying to find a silver lining in a hopeless situation. This tendency to accept crumbs and be optimistic and not realistic is what these types of people count on when they take advantage of others. It's probably not so good to be an open book and spill out your emotions for a girl so early on, and if she's emotionally cold, take the hint. Dating is a dance of reciprocity, and if you're too available, down you go in the respect department. She knows how to play you and probably isn't as invested as you are in her.

I'm ending it today. I can't let myself fall in love with a woman who will never love me. Maybe she would some day, but I can't wait forever.