[Fallen _Angel]

Hello and thank you for reading this and especially if you can offer me help and advice.

I love my wife of 24 years very much but our marriage was (is) in shambles. I had an affair with someone I met online but was just trying to find a friend. After several months it turned into something more. She is suffering from the same bi-polor, depression issues I have and we just clicked. I feel like ive fallen in love with her but i also believe ive fallen in love with her needing me and being her rock. I feel like i cannot let go of her because she will fall back into the dark place she was when we met.

On the other hand I genuinely love my wife but my guilt for disrespecting her is eating me alive inside. She and i are in couciling and I'm trying to let my friend go but I just cannot seem to do it even though she knows I want to go back home to my family. She is out tonight and I believe she is with someone and my rage is making me have terrible thoughts as well as thoughts of letting go of my wifd and getting her back to protect her. Both of these women think I love them both more than the other but the truth is I love my wife far more than my friend but I just can't seem to let her go. Not to sound conceded (because I am the farthest thing from conceded) but I have been the best friend and lover she has ever been with. I'm talking about being there for her, helping her finacially,

I a man who has no self worth, self-confidence, self-esteem, and carry so much guilt around because I always feel like a failure. My high days are average but my low days are self destructive. I'm not looking for just posative reinforcement but more some advice on how to accept my illness and cope with the low days, the guilt and my ability to more past this juncture in my life.

Thank you in advance for you reading this .

[A Red Panda]

I don't understand how someone can love someone yet lie to them and cheat on them.

I gotta say - in regards to how you've treated your wife, yeah, you failed. You should feel guilty for it. Don't blame an illness for treating your wife that badly.

Does your wife know yet? If so, ask her what she wants to do. If she wants to end the relationship then you'll have to accept that.

You can't maintain two relationships unless both other partners are polyamorous. Even then there can be strains. You're being really disrespectful to both of them. Your wife doesn't deserve to be treated like your needs go above hers - marriages are supposed to be partnerships. She doesn't deserve to be made to feel like she is not worth it. Your mistress doesn't deserve to be led on, if you claim you love your wife more than her. She doesn't deserve being used to feed your ego, to boost your own self-esteem.

Neither of them deserve to be lied to and believe that you love them more than the other.

Do you attend therapy? Solo therapy? It sounds like you need that along with the marriage counselling.

I honestly don't have anything more constructive for you outside of sharing how it looks like you're treating both of these women. You made these decisions, willingly, and no amount of guilt, regret, or self-despair can make up for how terribly you've treated both of them.

If you aren't happy enough with your wife to remain loyal to her, why stay in the marriage? You could move on from one another, and both have the opportunity to find happiness. If she doesn't want that and wants to try to work with you, then you need to end the relationship (and friendship) with your mistress.

[Bill3]

I agree with A Red Panda: individual therapy.

Emotional blackmail occurs when there is a threat of illness, self-harm, suicide if one leaves. It sounds like your friend might not intentionally being using emotional blackmail to I keep you, but it is still happening. You are afraid to leave because of what might occur in her life.

In individual therapy you can work on your seeming need to rescue others rather than allowing them to be responsible for themselves.

If you prefer your wife as you say, then you CAN let go of the other relationship. If you continue to choose not to, then ask an individual therapist for help in making the choice that you CAN make and want to make.

[brainhi]

Cheating CAN be a symptom of unhappiness in some area of you life. No doubt there will be consequences. Why do you still want this other woman??? Does she make you feel like the knight in shining armor? What are your rewards for continuing on with her?
If you want to keep your wife - if she wants to hang in there, you need to find your rewards at home with her. Do the other lady a favor and let her go. She will figure it out. And then if you wife is willing to move on then do not look back or keep the thoughts of the other woman in your head.

Does is sound like I have been on one side of this or the other?????

Don't blame your illness for your cheating. You cheat because you get away with it. Guilt or no guilt it's wrong. You are afraid your life will explode if you do the right thing but your transferring it to I can't leave because she might hurt herself taking the blame off you. Tell your wife let her make her own choice and learn to live with the consequences of your own actions. You very well could end up alone. Remember once a cheat always a cheat.

[brainhi]

Find out WHY you cheat... and work from there. You will not stop if you do not find out why.. it's like other things.. why abuse drugs, why abuse alcohol, why gamble, and so on. Finding out why is not blaming it's recognizing reality and working on it for your wellbeing....the blaming gets old... do something about it.

[Sesiley]

If you love your wife as you say you do, let your friend go. Trust me.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G750A using Tapatalk

[90confused]

hi, i hope you are okay and i know i can understand to some extent the whole thinking process you go through because i also have boderline personality disorder, and i think reading from your post that you dont find comfort in your friend, you only find similarity. thats what is not common between you and your wife, and thats what you think "clicked" between you and this girl. but trust me you dont love her. you see yourself in her and you want to help her in order to help yourself. shes like a mirror to you. and being with a person who is the same manic/depressed as you will not lead you in to any stablity, the 24 years of marriage, the children, you will never attain from this girl. iall you wanted to do with her was to see yourself in her and try to amend the things in her that you find in yourself. but you are not a psychiatrist, or a psychologist. being a friend for someone to vent out is something else, but dont think going on being her life coach when you yourself need the sturdy balance andd the rock that is your wife.
you have cheated on her, and you should talk to her about it. you said you love her more, so tell her. 24 years of marriage deserves honesty. be brave tell her everything.
and for your girlfriend, i think you shopuld leave her. you cannot be a rock to someone when you already are crumbling..

[Fallen _Angel]

I just wanted to say thank you for all the insight. First a huge thank you to 90Confused! I never considered that I was looking at my friend as a mirror! When I read your reply, I was floored. Hit the nail on the head, so again thank you!

Now some clarification, I came clean and told my wife everything over a month ago. It devistated her pretty bad. Prior to this I have never so much as kissed a girl on the cheek. My friend and I formed a bond from being so much alike and so much in common. My wife is a very strong person and has stood beside me through figuring our what is wrong with me.

I am a good man who made a mistake that almost cost me my family. I am not using my illness as an excuse, but more as means of opening my eyes. Until I started to be medicated I just went along life just confused and always doing for very one else and hiding my truest feelings because they were ever changing. When I started to level out I saw thst I was unhappy at home and wanted more but I was not sure or strong enough to admit it to myself and talk to my wife. I went looking for someone I could relate to. Her and I were good friends for 7 months before it turned into more.

When I left home "to be alone" I realized where my heart was and started to seek therapy. As I did it just seemed like each of my therapist (4total) just said it was wrong and I should just walk away from my friend. I know it's wrong and I want to work on my marriage but I just feel like she might fall apart without me because outside of her therapist, she has nobody. No family and hardly no friends.

So I really want to be honest with everyone, I am a good person who was & is confused, I understand I made a huge mistake and I'm very remorseful. I know I need to let my friend go that's obvious but I just don't know how to do it. My wife says she can't help me do that but until then she will love and support me so long as I'm working to get my friend out of our lives. I don't see her anymore but I do communicate with her via email just to check in to make sure she is ok.

So if someone has del with letting someone go that is the help I need. My guilt is killing me because my wife is so hurt but loves me enough to help me through this and I feel like I'm disrespecting her all over again because I can't figure out how to let go without caring that guilt as well.

Let me end by saying that I have told my wife that I love her every day and that I will spend the rest of my life making this right. I also told her I will never ask her to forgive me because I don't think I can ever forgive myself.

Thank you all for you stern yet honest words and advice.

[Bill3]

Surely you can put together an email that you explains why you cannot message with her any longer. If you are unsure about anything you could post a draft here for suggestions.

[90confused]

you are going to feel really very guilty but you have to lose your friend. and come straight and honest with her. tell her why you cant be with her and that your wife knows about it. tell her it was all a mistake and be sorry for it. seriously, this is going to be very hard on her on you but the position you are in you have to choose betweene either of the women, you cannot sail in two boats, you are going to feel guilty and resentful but remember always what you did was right for you, right for her right for your wife right for your marriage and your family.