Communication Breakdown

It seems like we both speak different languages. It's always been that way and I never realized it until it was too late. We needed couples therapy badly but she wouldn't go. She was either ignorant or not open minded enough. Could never have a real discussion of the issue. Always ended in anger and hurt feelings. The emotion also killed any chance of understanding. She would never share and I shared too much. Without communication there is nothing.

Hello continuously blue: Yes, I have some sense of this. Neither my wife, nor I, are natural "sharers". So, in that sense, I guess we're a bit different than the two of you. However, my mental health problems have, in recent years, forced me to open up more than I used to. And in fact, as a result, I shared some stuff that I now wish I had kept hidden. Divulging it accomplished nothing & it left me feeling exposed & foolish. But I would certainly agree that a relationship is healthier when people involved are able to share. My best wishes to you...

I understand, at least to a point, what your saying. I've always been a big person on keeping communication open even if it is going to make someone upset. Bottling things up seems to be much worse in the long run. If things are not said when they are fresh they tend to build up and come out all at once. At some point the issues will be brought up however and usually it ends in a huge fight because everything then comes out at once.

I'm currently in a situation with someone I've been with for almost 13 years. One of the biggest issues is from her not being open and so many times I was not sure what it is that she wanted. There were things I did that she didn't agree with but instead of saying something she just kept it inside. We are now at a point where our marriage is on the frits. Had I known that she had issue with some things I might have been able to change them when they first started. While being open may not always give you the best results at the time in the long run it will make things much better imo.

Hey Skee , you are absolutely correct. Some things are better left unsaid ! There are certain things that I will take to the grave with me never to have been said to anyone. We all have our secrets. Can you imagine the things I blurted out while I was drunk or messed up which I VERY much regret. The sharing I'm talking about should probably happen for people like yourself in marriage counseling or couples therapy. You need that third party there to keep things under control. It may be a safe environment for a non-sharing couple to let their feelings out. Just still watch what you say because when you leave the session she could wind up beating on you ! ( mine did )
good luck.....

I really can't believe that this thread has not taken off ! I mean your telling me that nobody out there is having communication problems in their personal or public relationships ????????? It's probably all posted elsewhere. I guess as long as it's posted. I know there are a lot of folks who can't communicate with other people the way they'd like to.

Actually I don't have a communication breakdown because I'm not talking to the people that gave me that problem. ( Is that an oxymoron or something ) ?
BTW : I was an oxy moron at one time !

I think it didn't take off because it's rather vague. Do you have examples?

If I have communication problem with my partner and it's not getting resolved then it would be the sign of something is wrong in a relationship. I've been in relationships where people who refused to discuss anything at depth. Obviously these relationships couldn't last as these people weren't emotionally available

. I don't have problem communicating but battled attraction to people who can't Communicate. I finally have a partner who has no problem communicating.

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She won't go to therapy but you can. Perhpas they can give you some great advise on how to deal with this. If it is validation for making a decision they can help you with that too.

[QUOTE=divine1966;4784312]I think it didn't take off because it's rather vague. Do you have examples?

If I have communication problem with my partner and it's not getting resolved then it would be the sign of something is wrong in a relationship. I've been in relationships where people who refused to discuss anything at depth. Obviously these relationships couldn't last as these people weren't emotionally available. /QUOTE]

That is exactly the example I would have said because that is exactly the kind of person I was married to ! We could never have that " in depth " discussion.
She always avoided it.
It'd hard to communicate with someone who won't respond to you !
You don't know how angry that made me.
That's one of the main reasons we are now divorced.

I thought you were talking about current relationship? Is this in the past?

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I have no idea how anyone gets into a relationship without A) communicating themselves and B) being with someone who communicates.

Yeah, TOTALLY foreign to me. Do you all just sit around and talk about boring mundane things that have no meaning whatsoever? Is the sex that bangin' and you're so smitten that conversation is superfluous?

Really, I'm blunt, I'm honest, and I'll go THERE. Non-communicators, please don't waste my time because I don't want to waste what precious time I have on you.

Of course certain situations are different, like being forced to work with non-communicators, but I limit my time with these people.


DUH.

I just got it.

Yeah, I forgot that most people avoid being alone at any cost.

Just answered my own question.

[QUOTE=divine1966;4784312]I think it didn't take off because it's rather vague. Do you have examples?

If I have communication problem with my partner and it's not getting resolved then it would be the sign of something is wrong in a relationship. I've been in relationships where people who refused to discuss anything at depth. Obviously these relationships couldn't last as these people weren't emotionally available.

I don't have problem communicating but battled attraction to people who can't Communicate. I finally have a partner who has no problem communicating. [QUOTE]

Hi Devine , I want to try and answer your question. Lets put it this way. I'm mainly talking about true inner feelings. I will try and explain. I may have done something that either hurt her or she doesn't understand. So instead of sitting down like two adults and talking about how she really feels about it she'll get mad and leave the room. I'm not a mind reader , she has to talk to me .
Or she may not understand what I'm saying ,as if I was talking English and her Chinese. I think 99% of arguments are caused by either one or both parties not clear about something ,or NOT wanting to understand.
I think it's mainly a problem of people not really talking about THE problem but instead using all kinds of avoidance mechanisms to get OUT of talking about it. I really don't know any other way to say it. Communication is two, ( or more of course ), people talking about something and understanding each other.

You can "know" somebody for 40 years and still not really "know" them if they never communicated to you their true self.

Believe me , I have been in therapy for almost 45 years.

She came with me to marriage counseling ONCE in 40 years. She just won't share how she REALLY feels with anyone. She's too busy plotting revenge.

But I finally got that validation your talking about and it made me realize how I was
being manipulated for so long. End result was I finally was able to end the marriage . And believe me it was painful ,for me anyway, cause I have feelings. But I finally got away from miss perfect.
What goes around comes around as they say.

Point of all this : If you can't communicate with someone there could be many reasons. But if it's a supposedly " loved one " you can be sure there is probably something being hidden and not wanted to be talked about.

She might be a wrong partner for you then.

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i love the thought of communication. if it were up to me everyone would have at least a counselor or good friend to talk to. people need to vent at times, i don't like the thought of anyone being lonely as i spent my teenage years alone and confused for lack of not knowing how to communicate. it makes me sad to even think it could be so bad to be as lonely as i was and even had a suicide attempt. the strange thing is too, i was the second eldest of 11 kids too. i hate to think of what i survived with them. oh well i'm here in a safe place married for 20 years now, with a 24 year old son. thank you God for helping me get through all the things i've endured. i am glad to be alive after 3 car accidents too. good luck to everyone.