[SilverSprings]

So, i am very very lucky! To start on a positive note.. I am surrounded by love today and surprises from my amazing man in my life. Yet somehow: I dont care that random people from facebook are all remembering my bday today. Or that i am somehow entitled to be so special, its just that of all peole, i just wish my mom and dad, could somehow be the ones there and making just any time for me or to text or call me. Worse, that i see them all the time, and even work for my dad. Things are so weird in my family right now! My parents just became empty nesters. My dads biz is currently on the rocks. I am stressed about: money, job, being able to afford things i need. when: my mother sucks my dad dry, his biz money becomes all hers to spend. She makes crazy demands on the guy. She makes guilt trips on all of us. She is cold, can not Fk show love or care towards her 5 kids. WTF and now, she doesnt send me bday greetings. Oh, its not that she wont- im sure later when its convenient she will. But, she can leave me notes demanding i call Dr's for her and random tasks (just b/c i work for my dad, she think i work for her also!). She can text me early on days to not forget to book the limo for our birthday celebration/ lunch in the City- (WTF mom, dad can not afford to send all of us on a birthday fk lunch in the city, nor do any of us want to go, nor did any of us have the option to say NO- and we all know very well Mom that this is all about you and not about us.)
At 35 yo, i am still crying b/c my mom didn't yet wish me happy bday, yes, so that shows me there is much work to be done on my end. And that i am secretly reading books trying to understand that the pain and confusion i have been suffering lately, knowing is not my fault. I am so sad.
That i was raised helping my young mom to be a mom. Feeling more love towards my grandmother, who was warmer and helping in a big way to make me feel better about myself. (altho, for sure, she was not nice at all to her daughter/my mom- they had a crappy RL yet my mom hung around her all the time. letting my Gma help raise me). Not to mention: I helped baby sit all my life, change diapers, leaving me w/ kids, i was a mom, when i was very young. (perhaps why i still don't have kids of my own). But knowing well if and when i do have them, I'll be damned if i dont call or text them on their birthday (or any momentous day). When i got engaged (at 23 yo, since divorced) my mom could barely show me any happiness! When i came home she said "Oh i knew he was going to propose, he told us first" (not in a happy, upbeat way- in a very gloomy weird tone). WTF. i was so upset. I recall being sad about her, and not able to enjoy my happy feeling. Similar to today. Sometimes i wonder if i am being too sensetive, or if she conditioned me to worry and care about her all the time.
My sister feels her absense too. My sister moved up north from city, as she has 3rd bb on the way.... (she went more the route of my mom, w/ kids and such). I am ther all the time helpig and enjoying these babies. I love them so much. I am living in a way through my ssiters family, enjoying helping etc.
Our mother, who lives just down the street- she barely visists, never mind actually help. Unless my sis drops kids off at her house, somewhat forcefully, will my mom ever step in.

The kicker of all- my parents lived w/in 30-40 minutes (at a max maybe 1 hour when i lived one state over) and in the past say 4 years, have only visited me ONCE. when i realized this the other day- i cried so much. I see them all the time, i always invited them, i am so concerned about them. In the past 4 years: i have gone through the hardest, shittiest years of my life. Indeed, my grandma (moms mom) had a massive stroke and is not herself at all anymore, we almost lost her, and i feel i truly really lost a big part of my mom, and my marriage died around that time, also.

I moved out of state after my divorce, and needed a lot of support. My landlady said she would be my second mom, she was more there for me then my own. I was alone there. All alone. sure, my mom would text me, but she didn't dare drive on highways (anxiety!) or do much to make an effort. They all came over ONCE as they happened to be traveling nearby for my golden brothers baseball game. (oh and they travel for him, all over the country! they do)

I met the man of my dreams living there , working on me doing therapy... after dating awhile, i moved down to his place, which was allot closer to my family. I started working for my Dads co which i had done on and off during my upbringing, as he needed the help an offered to match my pay b/c my job was not taking me anywhere at the time, and was too far away. Even my mom seemed to step up- left me a card on my desk saying "Now you dont have to work for that Mean lady anymore... " or something like that. (heh)

Regarless of offers to treat my family to dinner, (b/c they were typically generous hosting things at their houses when my boyfriends family came from over-seas). They never came.

Since i moved yet again, and all my mom could do was to say "Yay your moving closer to me!".... she visited ONCE. and it was b/c i planned a day w/ my sister, to cheer her up, going walking, and getting nails done, and she came over for a bit. it was SO nice. I have a picture of her at my house. And, since then - despite invites over, nothing concrete and my Father has NEVER been over.

Sometimes, i wonder what am i doing. What am i trying to do? What exactly am i trying to hold on to? I crave at times to move far away, start a new life w/ my BF.

His family, they show me so much love, gifts, his mom sending me texts the night before my Bda, to apologize that their gift will be late! can you even imagine- how much that means to me.

This morning, my BF came in my room, with a tray with cupcake/candle, mimosa, card and coffee- singing happy birthday to me! He has a day of surprisess planned- it is amazing!

It is NOT the material items either, the gifts, it is truly the sentiment of love. I do the very same for my BF on his special day- ----- showing him how much i love the guy. How amazing he makes me feel, the great that he brings out in me.

I just wish i can shake my parents out of my head. I am so tired of that record playing on repeat.

Anyhow, here i am having a big fat pity party on my bday ...
Im sure any moment now my mother will text me and make me feel so bad about writing all of this.
She is that predictable.

ps. yep, just after writing this- she did text. But, just happy birthday. No kisses, or wishes. Meh. at least she remembered

[Trippin2.0]

With all due respect, your mom sounds like a piece if work and can do much better.


My mom is not particularly touchy feely, but she at least makes an effort on your birthday to express her pride and joy and hopes for your future.


So its understandably upsetting that your mom behaves the way she does. Even at 35.


I don't care if my daughter is 12 or 40, I intend on always letting her know I am damn happy I had her and its cause to celebrate!


Happy birthday SS, don't let the *****es bring you down enjoy your birthday with your wonderful man and leave the "mommy issues" on the back burner for another day hun

[avlady]

i feel bad for you, i have a good relationship with my parents now, but it wasn't always that way so i know what you mean. with me although it was m mental issues that caused the riff and i'm doing much better now. i don't know what i would have done without my parents and feel for your situation. good luck and try not to dwell on it. i know it is a hard thing to do but you will feel better if you don't. good luck

[SilverSprings]

Thanks guys.
She did end up wishing happy bday and got me a gift. But.... The creepy unemotional vibe still stands. She was always shopaholic and holidays were very over the top ways for her to blow money. Mostly my Dads.
Yesterday we rented limo and went to city for a thing she planned for all of our birthdays (incl hers). Was nice, she paid for some out of her own pocket and I know she doesn't make a lot of $. She doesn't eat, admits freely that point. I think maybe she's starving herself and uses medical reasons for an excuse...
On top of- yes I had a nice day in city, but couldn't help feeling all day---- ignored.
My sister kisses her *****. I don't! Not anymore. My sis is showering her with compliments. M is just eating it up. Part of me is so angry and part feels bad. She's like .... Such a weird woman and I am her daughter!!!? That scares me ugh. I don't want to end up like her.

I brought up coming over, again. She's just like yea ok sure.

N dates no validation FK bs. Sucks

My other sister was no show. I can't blame her she had excuse and my mom was like IDK what's up with your other sister. She has admitted to me that my Dad favors her and she likes my Dad better then her.

This is the petty crap I am exposed to.

[SilverSprings]

Also my T finally understands my family issues after last season. She says: I need to learn to have a voice. I never felt like I had much of a voice in my family. I hated and it screwed me up badly in life. She's going to help me, to gain a voice and be more assertive. Which frightens me and encourages me at the same time.
So much work!

[Trippin2.0]

So much work yes, but well worth it in the end because it benefits you for the rest of your life.


You can do it!


I'm glad your birthday wasn't a complete disaster

[SilverSprings]

Thank you.

So, I am facing a major inner battle. I am dealing w/ a dysfunctional family whom i love very much, who raised me and who seem to just exist w/in this dysfunction. I struggle so much w/ missing them, being with them and doing things (i can keep inviting, but unless i seem to come to them- or plan something that my mom will do ie: Shopping, or nails,,... or walking with her on her obsessive hour long daily walk where she rants to me about everything on earth that one shouldn't... politics, religion, blabla and meanwhile, when i voice my opinion she either ignores me or acts so weird that i am not allowed to think differently then her! ugh. i miss having a normal RL with my family. Altho i dont think i ever did. I Just miss so much having a female to comfort me, love me and be there who doesn't push religion or pray the rosary and all will be well. I dont believe that and i wish somehow, i could just have a loving mom to hug me (i am always hugging her bony body). i am sad!!!!!!

Not to mention i work for this family and am in their home office daily, meanwhile my dad is completely MIA hunting season and I am holding down the fort, myself! ! they throw bills at me to pay, i am personal secretary and office person for the business plus their day to day lives. I am ok with that but i feel i should be paid more, and i am not really socializing w/ people in the real world and i feel alone allot.

On the flip side, i have very flexible hours, i can work from home on snow days or sick days (sick as in having a mood problem for ex). So, i am at a huge cross roads of sorts.

I think a pros/cons list is in order.

[avlady]

silver springs, i wanted to validate you on one thing about finding a voice. i found mine in a courtroom where my son's dad took me for custody for my son. in the middle of the hearing i looked up and realized i had an actual voice, i mean my vocal voice and was so surprised i yelled out, oh my God i do have a real voice. just a thought here but you do have a voice you probably might be like me holding your tounge not to bring out any riffs or start any fights. well that is my voice story and you do deserve to be heard. good luck

[SilverSprings]

Originally Posted by avlady

silver springs, i wanted to validate you on one thing about finding a voice. i found mine in a courtroom where my son's dad took me for custody for my son. in the middle of the hearing i looked up and realized i had an actual voice, i mean my vocal voice and was so surprised i yelled out, oh my God i do have a real voice. just a thought here but you do have a voice you probably might be like me holding your tounge not to bring out any riffs or start any fights. well that is my voice story and you do deserve to be heard. good luck

Thank you for saying this! Gave me goose bumps and i am glad you found yours. I applaud you.
You know, i think back in the day, asa teen ager i had more of a voice. it was a fresh mouthed sneaky one, but i had one. it got me into trouble- my mom and i didn't get along. those years were weird, i am kind of feeling those vibes again. i even wanted to move out, and somewhat did, first year of high school to get away from her. lived with my grandparents who were so much more loving. even though my grandma was always yelling, she was so cozy and warm.
i miss her.
and, then i met my boyfriend at the time and basically moved in w/his family until we got married 7 years later. and then after another 7 years married and most of which was very turbulant, we were divorced. i was on my ***, but had a job and a very nice place of my own for the first time ever! that was so cool.

Then, i kind of circled back to the family, after being in a weird job i didn't like but it paid the bills. I met the love of my life, and we are now in a lovely comitted happy relationship....

so here i am now. just wondering what my next move is....

even today, the whole F day plans revolved around the queen (mom). it trickles down to us all. Who is she!!!!!

[SilverSprings]

I know its not PC, but i just want everyone to know: My mom is crazy!!!! It doesnt mean i dont love her. It doesn't mean i am not allot like her Shes bat **** i am serious!!!

[marmaduke]

You have a great boyfriend you get on with his family. Move away, start a new life.

My mother lived 5 minutes away but visited me twice in 7 years. She visited my sister, her favorite child twice a week.
That used to hurt.
If I visited her she would chat to me, but, if her 'favorite' daughter happened to walk through the door she'd forget me Totally. I'd disappear. If I tried to speak no one heard me. I was ignored, I was invisible.
If favorite child, mothers 'golden child' did speak to me it was in a sarcastic, patronizing tone, like she was talking to a rather pathetic idiot.

I spent 40 years yearning for a 'normal' mother. 40 wasted years.
Then I gave up on her, I wish I'd seen the light years earlier. its hard, I did grieve, cried for a long time. Cried for a mother I'd never had, cried for the mother she should have been.

Once I'd truly accepted the situation I felt better because I no longer yearned or waited for her, there was no point. This will sound harsh, for me the woman was dead.

Don't waste your life your energy on these toxic people.

[SilverSprings]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

You have a great boyfriend you get on with his family. Move away, start a new life.

My mother lived 5 minutes away but visited me twice in 7 years. She visited my sister, her favorite child twice a week.
That used to hurt.
If I visited her she would chat to me, but, if her 'favorite' daughter happened to walk through the door she'd forget me Totally. I'd disappear. If I tried to speak no one heard me. I was ignored, I was invisible.
If favorite child, mothers 'golden child' did speak to me it was in a sarcastic, patronizing tone, like she was talking to a rather pathetic idiot.

I spent 40 years yearning for a 'normal' mother. 40 wasted years.
Then I gave up on her, I wish I'd seen the light years earlier. its hard, I did grieve, cried for a long time. Cried for a mother I'd never had, cried for the mother she should have been.

Once I'd truly accepted the situation I felt better because I no longer yearned or waited for her, there was no point. This will sound harsh, for me the woman was dead.

Don't waste your life your energy on these toxic people.

Wow, I am first off so sorry that you dealt with this!! I struggle so much and can relate to some things you said. I know i painted my mom as a huge *****, she can be and be very difficult. i have thought to myself- one day, if / when i hae kids (more and more i think i do, in fact want them and have a feeling i would be a great mother...) i would totally limit their exposure to her and others...So... why would i continue to expose myself to them?

Shes not a full fledge witch, just can be at times. When we were younger we were on and off, close or very distant. I am immersed in deep throes of therapy dealing w/ this right now .. very intense! and confusing!

Yesterday- sent both parents an email... saying: Here is the link to the restaurant (bf) and i want to treat you to. they both wrote back how it looks very nice. but no suggestion of date. i am happy they care, but where is the commitment. i am their daughter for F sake. my bf is sweet, listens to this- but would we both want to put up w/ this for our whole lives??? he moved to another country across the atlantic so i know he is fearless, which is great quality. He is really the best- super amazing and i am lucky and feel i won the jackpot with him!!! he says the same for me. (and we are beyong the honeymoon phase, together over 3 years now...)

last night session T pointed out... mother was very detached in her parenting. how i would be a great Mom and be very 'attached'. i pondered that allot. that makes me angry! why didn't i get love from Mom? b/c she didn't get love from her mom... she had close ties w/ her grandma... and oddly- i had close ties w/ mine. Her grandma helped raise her b/c her mom worked, and then she passed when i was born. My M said she never ever got over it, b/c that was like her real mom.... my grandma helped raise me. gave tons of hugs, squeezes pinch cheeks kind of gma. but still was always patronizing of my own mom. this is a cycle of sorts! is dysfunctional, i dont know who to point the finger at. some days i think its YOU mom. others i think its YOU grandma (she since had a massive stroke and is wheelchair bound, not really cognizant anymore)

Part of me yearns deeply these day for kids of my own, to show affection, raise them feeling so loved... provide them an amazing life which i know they would... my BF and i talk of the future it is so exciting! He is from europe, we would raise them bi-lingual, have options to go to school overseas, options for jobs being fluent in multi language... or whatever they dream i would want to support... i am excited thinking of that life, i would give it my all ...

I dont want to divorce my mom or family- not yet and i do think some healthy space would do me good ... my bf and i talk allot of moving away, warmer climate which we both prefer. maybe.. this would be good for us. Fresh start for both.

When i lived one state away- it was kind of a nice comfy distance for me. i felt in a way free. When i recently moved closer... Mom could just say "horray, you will be closer!!" Well mom, here i am! you can not even drive never mind come visit. WTF.

Also, I realized my Mom doesn't know how to love us properly. She only knows how to be needy of more love. and she never gets what she wants, always playing victim... always! She shows her love through gifts, or outings that benefit her. Is gift giving nice- yes! but are hugs and close times better- of course! She can't see what is right in front of her. a whole damn family catering to her. loving her. yet she runs off to the little school, with the little kids who 'love' her. she always brags not how much she loves them, but how much they love her, and hug her. She is so needy! :/ I can go on ...

My feeling is: through these painful thoughts and realizations, things will naturally change. I am not going to push myself into anything over night but rather keep the options open. For whatever!! I have tried to push the RL with my parents, it isn't working. they are dealing w/ lots of change themselves... i need to let life happen. I also feel through DBT and learning better communication puts me in a better position all around, in my RS, in my career life and such. Career- i feel very strongly i can do more with myself make much more $$... i im at a weird age and just no clue what job i would want. i have a considerable amount of freedom right now, that is really hard to give up. though i ***** allot about things, in a lot of ways there are tons of Pros to things. maybe i am being selfish too.... time will tell!!