Mother is constantly critical

Today I am struggling with my mom. Usually I don't let her bad attitude affect me but I have been feeling "off" since the time change, just kind of blah. My mom is one of those people who always has something to say about how you are not doing things right, she's constantly critical. She always knows better than anyone else and if you disagree with her or tell her that her comments bother you she acts attacked. For example I've said in the past "I know I gained some weight, but pointing it out hurts my feelings."
Her reaction is to get upset and say "I just thought I would tell you because I love you and I didn't want you to walk around looking bad and everyone to be talking about how bad you look." Then she cries and says stuff like "I don't know why you girls (me and my adult sister) are so mean to me all the time! All I've ever done is love you. I guess I should just never tell you anything, quit talking to you at all." I'm 34, my sister is 32, we have both been on our own since college-age.

I won't re-friend my mom on facebook and she's obsessed with that, even though it's because she has defriended me four times. She gets upset about some perceived slight and stops talking to me, she defriends me on facebook and 95% of the time also sends a long email about how horrible I am and how she never wants to see me again. She's said I'm no longer welcome in her house over disagreeing with her and she always says "have a nice life" like she won't talk to me again even though it only lasts a few days up to a month. Most of the time I try to limit the time I spend with her (a dinner once a week and holidays) and just don't let it get to me. Today, she's upset with me because I'm buying myself a piece of jewelry she thinks is too expensive. I graduated from college in May, I'm nearly 35, I have a good job, no debt except student loans which I pay monthly, I contribute to a 401K, I have health insurance for the first time in nearly a decade and a little bit of savings! Which is unheard of. I've worked REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to get here.

She's so upset that I'm buying this piece of jewelry she thinks is too expensive. She's tried to convince me it's a bad idea, asked me to wait, told me it's not worth the money I'm paying, texted me "I know my opinion doesn't matter to you but..." It's just driving her batty I refuse to do what she wants. She texted me this morning and I should've ignored it but she asked if I bought the piece and I said yes. She replied "Oh." I'm ignoring that text but it just makes me angry and tired. I can't even enjoy this nice thing I am doing for myself to celebrate the last 20 years of working hard. What can I do to stop caring what she thinks? I really try but she eventually gets to me.

Because she's your mom you will most likely continue this dysfunctional relationship with her forever. I can relate. Please see my post about Thanksgiving if you want to see similar behavior.

The good news I can tell you is I have a great relationship with my children and have not acted in the way toward them that my mother acts toward me.

Tisha had a great thought there!!!

It's great to break the cycle! My boyfriend's kids' mom is so much like my mom it is scary, luckily they do have two positive adults in their lives that don't interact with them that way at all. I will check out your post, thank you!

Being able to see her pattern and know that you are breaking the cycle is huge! If you know that she is not supportive, stop telling her things. Set boundaries, just like you are doing with not re-friending her on Facebook when she has demonstrated that she doesn't handle that appropriately. Maybe when she realizes that her criticism just gets her silence and less contact with you, she will decide to work on how she interacts with you. Maybe she will never change. If she doesn't change, you get to choose how much chance you give her. You could invite her to a family counseling session together and spell it out for her if you think that it might help.

Thank you! Boundaries are tough for me because my family had none so I started learning how to set them and where they should be around age 25.

Counseling definitely wouldn't help unfortunately, she's made comments over the years about "I bet you tell your therapist everything that's wrong with you is my fault." Well, a lot of it is! She takes zero responsibility for anything she says and does. At this age (nearly 70) she says "I'm too old to change" any time I suggest she try to go to therapy for whatever she's complaining about at that time. Being passive aggressive and a victim is almost her personality at this point

Sheesh. She's covered all the bases. My narcissist grandma has a similar phrase, "When you're this old, you can be rude. It doesn't matter how you act anymore." She says that, then my poor mother spends the afternoon crying her eyes out over something rude she said to her.

I agree that boundaries are everything. If she's less enmeshed in your personal life, you won't care what she thinks. Stop "bringing" things to her. Stop going to the well, there's no water there. For instance, don't tell her you're buying a piece of jewelry or what it costs. She doesn't need to be involved and she's shown a history of not being helpful here. It's none of her business what you buy. Share that with people who are better friends to you in life. Don't disclose. She's a broken record. The only thing we can really change is our own behavior.

As someone said on another thread today, "Of course your mother can push your buttons - she installed them."

Whoa!

I say good for you for buying a nice piece of jewelry! I did the same about 10 years ago. It was a Tiffany necklace. I wore the darn thing 24/7. I calculated the cost of wearing it and it was down to maybe 15 cents a day? I don't get that much use out of most of my clothing! (And I'm a pretty frugal shopper!) Now I'm saving up for another nice piece of jewelry. I think it's good to reward yourself with nice things from time to time.

Thanks for your encouragement! I struggle with boundaries when it comes to her but I'm definitely trying. I feel guilty sometimes for having boundaries, that's just something I need to work on because I know it's healthier than the way my family wants to interact. Haha, that was me that said that. My favorite therapist said that to me once, it's so true.

I agree, we should do nice things for ourselves rather than waiting/hoping/wishing for others to do them. If we're supposed to find happiness within then it seems like we should make an effort to be good to ourselves!

1. Mental illness is certainly heriditary. You have indicated you have Borderline Personality Disorder. Your description of your mother sounds very much like she has BP or BPD as well.

2. I wonder if the issue might be jealousy? That she is perhaps living vicariously through you and when you make a decsion she wouldn't it throws her a curve ball. And that maybe your successes are a reminder of her failures?

I am reminded a lot of my own mother. She too never accepted my life, I could never do anything right, and was incredibly hurtful my whole life. She went to her grave having never told me she was happy for me, accepted me, or was proud of me. If my mother was still alive, I would ask her what did she want from me? In what way or how was something missing? How come she never accepted me? And then I would ask her the million dollar question? What did she want? I would have told her I could do some of those things and perhaps try others, but that I couldn't be that person - could she love me all the same.

I'm fairly certain she has a personality disorder and so does my sister. My mom fits the criteria for histrionic, she tends to be a huge drama queen but she's also very self focused. I'm fairly certain my sister has NPD. I know my mom's mom was very mentally ill too, probably had a pd herself. I think it's that my mom thinks she knows what's best for everyone and becomes hugely offended when we don't all immediately defer to her "better judgment." This is true for my 75 year old father, my half-sister in her late 40s, and my sister & myself both in our mid-30s. No matter how miniscule the decision, it's her way or we are wrong/hurtful to her/ungrateful/stupid/failures/etc. Yet she will insist with her final breath that she loves us and never would say anything hurtful to any of us.

Some of it could be jealousy. My sister and I both have lived our lives doing the complete opposite of her because she was always so miserable. We have both prioritized careers, while she was very dependent on men and has never functioned on her own. It's just frustrating wishing a parent would just love you and that be it. Probably if you could ask your mom what she wanted she wouldn't be able to tell you, but that's little comfort. I definitely wish my mother could show love in different ways but she is who she is.

She sounds very overbearing and dramatic. Does she suffer from any MI or personality disorder? I'd guess that's a yes even if it's not diagnosed. Unfortunately she is your mom and you're with her for life. But you're an adult and you can control how much of your life she consumes. If that means blocking her and not answering her calls then do it until or if she ever comes around. My dad is very critical of me also and believes my BP and other problems are just my excuse for being an underachiever. He calls me lazy and thinks I'm just a pill popper. I'm on meds and will never understand that. I ignore his calls/texts and when a conversation turns towards my issues I change the subject if there's people around. If it's around family I stick up for myself. Actually today which was thanksgiving, he brought up how I'm having trouble finding work. I said "okay dad it's the friggin holiday and we're here to relax and be with family, not talk about my problems". He shut up. He's not used to people talking back to him. The only time I call is when I have a purpose. We don't "chat". And I'm usually quick to cut the convo short because he's quick to start criticizing. So just try being assertive with her and maybe suggest therapy. Stick up for yourself. If that fails there's always the "end call" button

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Risperdal 4mg
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

Yes, she has been diagnosed with depression, many years ago but I'm pretty convinced she has a personality disorder. My sis and I both do as well, it's just always been a messed up family dynamic. I'm the only one that's ever gotten help, both my mom and my sis have refused to go to therapy or have gone only once or twice and given up on it. I'm trying to stick to my boundaries. I was around her last week and she was so nice and said "I miss you, you're never around anymore!" I just have to remind myself that if she were consistently nice and supportive I would have a better relationship with her but the way she acts is her choice and I can't control it. I've just finally learned not to be fooled by the good times, I think.