What is wrong with some men?

Give me your opinion please.

I met a talented guy (painter). I first didn't think twice and flirted a bit with him. He looked a bit panicked (he mentioned earlier that he was single). He kept texting someone. Hey, fine. No sweat.

I saw him again at another event. He was with a girl he seemed interested in. He ignored me first but then invited me to another event along with her. I didn't think much and went. There he first ignored us both but then he ended up talking mostly with me.

In the weeks that followed he seemed to be into me. He said he liked me but that he couldn't show it, but at the same time I saw him flirt with other girls so I was confused. He even told me that he liked short stories (friends with benefits??). I told him I didn't. But he didn't stop. He got closer to me and then baked out. He also said that he wasn't looking for a relationship.

At one point he seemed to want to give it a try with me. He paid me a drink, which he only does when he dates someone. I bumped into him the next day. He thought it was on purpose I think and he asked me to join him for food but he went already pretty cold. The next day he was like an iceberg in the morning but in the evening he seemed in love with me.

He always seemed very drawn to me physically and intellectually. There was never any sex but physically he often came closer. Quite a few people thought that we had a thing.

So he often invited me to events but then I found out that all this time he called me a stalker :-o I never stalked that guy. I didn't avoid him, that's all. So I stopped going to those events.
But when he saw me, he kept blowing hot and cold. He went to events I was at but found some excuse so it didn't look like he came for me.

But now he's apparently with some very young and not very smart girl he was wooing during the same time.
So a relationship is suddenly not a problem anymore. Was he just flirting with me as long as for some mysterious reason the other girl didn't respond? Was I just on the back burner?

Now I see them together. I try to flee but they follow. And he keeps trying to talk to me. I don't see the point. I am not going to become some casual friend. What's wrong with him?

Did something bother him so much in me that he couldn't contemplate a relationship with me?

Or is he just into non threatening dumb young chicks?

A lot of women are mad at him because he led them on. From what I hear it seems that I am the one he led on the most. I feel special.

Looks like I brought chaos in his simple life. And he brought a lot in mine.

He sounds like he may be an avoidant type. The kind who tries to get close, but not too close, backs off, comes back repeatedly.

In other words it's him, not you. Especially in light of the fact that he does this with many women.

Thank your lucky stars that you dodged a bullet!

ChipperMonkey : I am afraid you're right! Sigh.

Sounds like a player to me

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sounds like you should be happy it DIDN'T go further.

This.

He's not an avoidant, he's playing around and doesn't care about what you think.

If you saw him flirting with other girls in front of you, he was being hot and cold with you, and said he wasn't looking for a relationship with you, why were you showing interest and hanging around with him in the first place? Sounds like he showed you exactly who he was from the get go (a player) but instead of saying "no thanks" you went after him hoping he would change. Perhaps this is an opportunity to learn a bit more about yourself, and why you seem to be drawn to the kind of men you say you don't want. Honestly, he didn't lead you on; you led yourself on. You deserve better; don't let yourself be drawn in by guys who aren't interested in you.

I'd take a gander that many players are indeed avoidants.

But of course, not all avoidants are players.

That is, avoidant + selfish + not caring about anyone else = player. Or something like that.

You all make a lot of sense.

I was part of his group of friends so that didn't help to get away but that's of course no valid reason to keep waiting that he would see the light.

What hurts me in all this is that he told his friends that surely I must be hard to live with, that I was always blaming him (I wasn't, I just told him that his hot and cold behavior was hurtful), that I was crazy and said weird things.
And yet he acted like he really cared otherwise I would have walked away earlier.

I know this is hard to understand.

A week ago he told a common friend that he didn't want a relationship because he was still hurting from his past relationship but he already was in a new one. :-o

I asked him to stop engaging in conversation and that it was silly to hide his relationship from me. He told me he wasn't in a relationship. Yet it was confirmed he was by 2 people he told about it.
This is getting crazier by the minute.

Does he think he can convince me now that I know? Apparently he told people to hide it from me specifically because I could hurt him (how??? He deserves it but I have never hurt him in the past)
I am in the same circles he is. So hiding it from me means almost a clandestine relationship.
Is he going to have one to one conversations with everyone and swear them to secrecy?

On the other hand, why should I even care... He is an avoidant and will stay one.
The problem with me is that admire his good sides, his talents and I easily doubt myself so that makes me too accepting of the unacceptable. Yes, he probably has some feelings for me but he doesn't want to have them.
And that's a fact I can't change.

I can somewhat relate to this guy on many things, but I'm not avoidant, preferably he rather not decide anyone because not that he's selfish and he wants women in a creepy or negative way. It's usually that he's not prepared for intimacy or rather feels that he's more upset how he is deep down and if other people come into his life he may feel threatened by you and the other girls simply the fact he won't face that they might not like him for who he truly is and it's ok they don't and if he's already aware of that, but doesn't like people to have anything to feel that he may hurt you or someone else he won't commit to anyone if he feels it will cause harm to the person he likes to commit anything further than friends.

I do this sometimes, but I do it in a way where I find out who I like and who I don't. Even if my choice is wrong I'm going to deal with it.
My point is he could be just not wanting to be ready to date anyone period. That's nothing you can control ever.

Oh I read into this further. Actually he sounds like he can't let go the thought of you as an option. I used to do this long ago when I was a teenager. It's not a good idea at all when anyone does this, it feels impersonal and feels like he's more possessive and infatuated with the idea you're an viable option as the girl he's with. Also he may respect you, but in a weird way and that dumber younger girls are easy pickings for his innate choices of immediate pleasure. He could be addicted to chasing girls or just being around them that he doesn't want love, but the thought of it in the moment even if it isn't real. I'm just trying to cover as many bases as I can. I hope this helps.

I might be wrong entirely. I apologize if I do so misunderstand.

What you wrote makes sense.
I do think he respects in a weird way because he flirted like mad, seeked physical contact but never tried to sleep with me.

That other girl is cute and dumb. They have very little in common but she sure isn't threatening.

I do think he has trouble letting me go as an option. Every time a guy showed interest in me he told him to forget it, that I was stalking him.

When I came back from holidays he told me that a lot had happened but he refused to say what. Now I know what.
He thought I wouldn't come back. Lol. Yeah I guess he needed an excuse for running to her the minute I left. In August he thought I was staying at a festival until... when? In March he thought I wouldn't come back from visiting my parents.
Amazing how he finds excuses for being interested in another girl

He seems to have dropped the other girls. Why doesn't he keep them as options?

Maybe he really believes that i am too challenging. In say that I expresd my emotiins but i think i am understanding and yolerant.

When someone is sick or hurt themselves he is horrified and disappears

Honestly if this guy was as interested in you as you say he is, he'd pursue you and nothing would stop him and he certainly wouldn't tell people you are stalking him. That's not what men who have feelings for a woman would do.

He likes to be admired by many women and it strokes his ego. He enjoys so many women being after him. Sounds like a very unhealthy player and he doesn't even attempt to hide it. I wouldn't even blame him here as he clearly shows his true colors. He isn't lying. People always reveal themselves. If he says he doesn't want relationship, why try to change him? Why not look for one who wants commitment?

You keep asking yourself and us why he does what he does but is it even important? We might never know why people do what they do.

I would focus on you and why do you want to pursue a man who clearly isn't interested in monogamous relationship or interested enough in you. I would really look into it. There are other available loving men out there. Why this guy? Something to explore

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He encourages you just enough to keep you on a back burner because it strokes his ego to think he has 'stalkers'.

I wasted my time and emotions on a guy like this once, too. I was lucky that he dumped me. Years later, it turns out he destroyed everyone in his path.

I don't agree with you, divine1966.
He was interested because everyone noticed. When I stopped talking to him he pursued me.
If you want to avoid falling in the same trap again, you need to know as much as you can.
I like people who are not desperate for a relationship but not who don't want any.
He said he was a commitment phobe and I was going to drop it of course but then he said that no, no, he was still hurting from a previous relationship. He told me what I wanted/needed to hear. So I may be naive but I'm not a masochist.

Tishabuv: yes, sounds like him. :-/

Years later, it turns out he destroyed everyone in his path.[/QUOTE]

How do I know this? Because I stalked him by googling his name on the internet! OMG LOL!

How do I know this? Because I stalked him by googling his name on the internet! OMG LOL! [/QUOTE]

Naughty you! Well, if it's on google, it's hardly stalking. Plus information is key to prevent the same mistakes. And seeing that he repeats the destructive pattern is the best proof that you were blameless.

I am confused then what's the issue is

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Well, not repeating the same mistake.

He likes to be chased, he likes to flirt. That's all. Just because everyone noticed it doesn't mean he was pursuing a relationship. Actually, even if he said he was interested it doesn't mean he really wanted it, who knows? His actions speak clear, actually he is pretty clear.


I'm yet to see an avoidant who is a player or I don't know what you mean by "avoidant", but not wanting a relationship is not the same of avoiding one.

I personally have a hard time dealing with people who flirt and lead everybody on, but, tbh, I don't consider most players to be selfish or avoidants. They want to date, to flirt, don't want to committ and let it clear to everyone without bothering with what others may think. Some people can put up with this and others can't, the latter shouldn't let themselves on. It's quite simple.

Well this guy is not clear: he first says he's a commitment phobe (which is probably true) then that he wants a girlfriend. He does lead women on.
And he is avoidant. Not just in love. He runs away every time someone is hurt or ill.

Go read "Attached". Avoidants push and pull. They want "relationships" but don't want to get too close. Avoidant is an attachment style. It doesn't mean that someone avoids relationships period.

he honestly just sounds like a guy that loves the attention of females but regardless of his reasons, is playing games without making commitments to any of them. Whether he's a player in the true sense of he word or avoidant, it really matters very little except that you should be glad that he revealed his behaviors soon enough that you could see that it's better that you move on from this one

If he's so hell bent on wanting to hold you on you should be giving him a quick ultimatum by your actions not by your words. If really wants to he will jump for you immediately, he picked her for her looks and quick fast emotions with a pretty girl. It's probably an ego thing. He just might not be mature enough and or might be mature enough but isn't willing to make commitment at the moment for whatever reason and if he isn't for anything that's difficult for him no need to think twice about him and he should realize that he chose to not go to you and hold on to you like he's holding onto too many groceries and and can't drop one to make his load easier to handle.

It's better for him to decide from your actions than you decide for his actions. It's a much healthier route.
My point still stands even if he sees your caring side and understands you on that level you have to work for what you want the way that's best for you and him, but that would mean just letting him go if you have to. Which I would prefer doing if I was in your shoes.

What is confusing is that you still seem interested in him after hearing that he called you a "stalker" to your mutual friends. If this guy even liked you as a friend, he wouldn't be calling you a stalker behind your back. That's pretty cold. It sounds like he was flirting with you and several other women at the same time because he's a big flirt and likes to get his ego stroke-- not because he was particularly interested in you or these other women.

Since you say that you want to understand this situation so you don't repeat it, the only thing I can suggest is not investing ANY emotional energy or interest in a guy who is flirting with other women in front of you. If he is flirting equally with you-- and someone else-- than he isn't really into you. He's just a flirt. If a guy is into you, he's not going to have eyes for anyone else at the same time. Similarly, if you find out he has called you names behind your back, that sound be the END of it. He doesn't respect you, so you should move on. Don't let anyone disrespect you like that. You want to go for the guy who is interested in you and treating you the same way to your face as he is treating you behind your back.