What is wrong with some men?

That's the good point. It is good that you don't it repeated. I think the fact that s man calls you a stalker and chases bunch of women is a pretty good sign: he is bad news. So when you meet guys like this run the other way

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Yeah, excellent advice.
I stopped talking to him altogether.
He is trying to convince me that he's single. Geee. Nice for his chick!
He sees I am moving on. I mentioned I am dating again to his friends, which I am. Should send a clear message.

He will probably make an effort, just enough to keep me interested. That worked before I knew for sure about other women but not anymore.
Now I just see a game. I will probably completely avoid him but I can't prevent him from showing up at public events. Ignoring him is the option I choose then.

If this guy has read any player advice, the hot and cold routine is a technique to attract women, though obviously it can repel if overused. It's explained in "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene.

Thanks for the book reference! I will check it out.
I agree. It worked but he overdid it (thankfully).

I read a great book as well called "Gente toxica" by Stamateas. May be translated into English. Probably.

Above all don't fall into the trap of going for him period no matter how enticing it is. That's how he plays with your head he likes the control people like that are dangerous to your self esteem and emotional stability even I'll go as far as not him personally, but guys I knew who dated people I knew very well did this, but were physically abusive and it's all because they couldn't resist her leaving him...
I'm saying this because I helped so many friends of mine who do this, this person will promise you they'll treat you right and they never do. It's always an opening or excuse to cause more harm to you.
Crappy people do this all the time.
I'm afraid of commitment for other reasons different from him, he makes people like me look bad, because he's being a tool about it. Where as of I am afraid because I've been battered very badly and really can't open up, because people lie too easily. People judge too easy and assume to easy even if they say they known you or loved you all your life, the true people who love you judge you, but don't buy into their ******** and see you more than what they think you are.

I care about people, I really want to be in a real commitment but that hasn't happened and never will it cross my mind of wanting it happening, because I don't see myself giving someone else power and in dept over me that I don't trust.

But he is different he may not want to commit for personal issues possibly similar to mine or something bad happened to him, but how he handles it is entirely inappropriate. You can't be two faced lie to someone with a false promise and not do what you say Like many men and women do this in modern age and dating is ****ed up entirely because both sides in some way or another you and I will always know and see a lot of people who will try to seduce you and completely use that lie to control you and make you either a victim of their capabilities to fool you or the man or woman doesn't want love, but rather just the idea of enjoying quick hookups quick intimate quaint moments where it's usually he or she prides over sex in the moment, which comes to my next point shouldn't be shamed upon, it should be ignored entirely and let those people do they will without you. It's my responsibility and anyone else's responsibility who comes across a person like you've experience take a critical look how this person is, and see if they really care about you or they don't. Also see if you really like to put up with their qualities of this or not or enjoy them. It's no wrong way of handling it, but if you're unhappy definitely make a change to what's right for you.

I don't find his behavior unusual it's quite normal a lot of people do it, whether they admit it or not. Not everyone does it either, but a lot do. People like the rush and some men and women are addicted to it. How love addiction happens is exactly is his behavior. I don't believe he is one, because I don't know him, but this may sound out there and different, but it's really what I observe all the time first hand and I'm really baffled how people really put up with it and let it happen from both sides. Like I don't think he's right at all for leading you on, but I don't think anyone should shame him and degrade his character, I think he is aware of enough of his own actions or at least I hope he is. Rather I take this from my own perspective and the ones I've witnessed and the people I know who tell me this exact story every time usually from girls about another guy. Occasionally from a guy friend about a girl they like here and there, but the outcome is always the same. The guy or girl, likes the attention he or she is receiving they act according to fulfill that gap of whatever they feel. It's not damaged people who are susceptible it's literally everyone, at one point in your life you always desire even in good and bad times of wanting more it's human, you want more bite than you can chew. He bit too much and tried to juggle too many women around like it's a circus, because he felt or believed or had an inkling he can do it, but everyone else including you sees differently they see for what it is, he's dismissive and lacks the courage to commit to what he says. It's not just that he won't commit to you, he can't even commit the girl he's fooling with while putting you away like his old toy he will always come back to, many female friends have made the mistake of going back a lot eventually they always end it, because they knew the guy only wants the attention, but other times if can also might be possible that this guy may end up being with you eventually after all, but just not now, because he may get too fed up with his own guilt and stupidity he truly shows he cares and does everything to convince you that he truly loves you, but if the damage was done and he destroyed your trust and you are tired of him. He should accept it, and same for you on your stance and how you should handle it. This has literally happened to everyone I know including myself.

I think it's something we end up learning one way or another. It's really these mental skills from dating really shape our view of our own personal reality of our perfect relationships we eventually fall into or may fall out of. It separates the child's mind of "me me me" " I want a boy or man like this I want a woman whose all like this" which personal preference isn't bad, it's not what I'm aiming at it's selfish behavior during conversation, dating, or anything really that has no intention but bring only satisfaction to the one person even if it harms the other person entirely to, what adults take on real love is by the act of giving and not only receiving together you can enrich both parties to do better. It's always will be like this.

Sadly this hit me very close to home, it's mainly why I'm single too many people here don't want to know me. I talk too much according to them, I am not someone other people relate to because I'm different not bad but different hard to understand. The fact they are confused about anything automatically assumes I'm a horrible person and not spends one ounce of time to look into my real character self.

I have severe body image issues and struggled with eating disorders, not by society, it's the interactions like these I'm singled out by the people I like, because I give and try to love someone like an adult, but even when rejected I'll be respectful to myself and them. Like I hated putting my all to a friend I wanted to date, that I wasn't in the friend zone literally convinced me she had a thing for me, we hit it off or I thought a year later, "oh I thought you as my best friend" Or like my ex wanting me to be under her control, because she talked so badly about my body, but contradictory had sex with me constantly, because she was afraid of me leaving her, not because she was a horrible abusive person to me who lied to my face at every moments notice, but was afraid I'd find the other girl more attractive than me. She stalked me and even tried to convince me at my young naive age at 17 that if she was pregnant we be a happy family and can get married. She was a sick psycho who never cared about my daughter not once and insults me of my character, my intelligence and the choices I made. I feel regret and from that regret I have struggled that I'm not worthy for love just pity from others I'll maybe have someone some other day or some sappy crap. They don't know what it's like to be a victim in your shoes and mine. We do have a common issue, but the difference between some people I know and maybe you or maybe not. Is that you have the opportunity available to meet better people or have people come to you when I don't. I can't go out and meet new people, they don't care to talk to me, and no matter how much effort I put I was left unloved and alone because I'm misunderstood because I'm different. You wouldn't believe any of the rumors people put on other people to make their lives hell and people completely how anyone can be fooled because it's mysterious.

It's frustrating some of the people I know can get a new girlfriend boyfriend extremely easy. Even if they are more or less attractive than I am in all aspects of looks and personality quirks. See you're either lucky or you're not and you have to work too damn hard to get one of the good people, but some people get all the good people like a super massive black hole and you will be stuck in the shadow of their successes with relationships.

I'm telling you that's very very very very I mean very hard to get out of. No matter how charming, or considerate, or attractive or whatever quirk you have to make people like you have. It won't work, it's not fair, but it's literally how the world works. I've been single for a very long time and I'm tired of always being lied to and feeling I'm not worth anything that starving myself and staying up late typing this to make my pain feel better to feel I'm mean a lot to someone else is such an important goal I would rather suffer horrible things than be a lone and no one care about me that my whole life would be in this boring depressing limbo of being always misunderstood. Anyone can fall victim to this. I unfortunately have a very hard time ever getting out. I don't see that happening where I live ever. Sorry to put this on me, it really hit a soft spot on me. I'm going to bed... night

He would never be physically abusive but he can work himself in a rage when he feels trapped (like when he's flirting with 2 girls simultaneously and starts feeling bad about it. Guilt is a b i t c h.)

Now he's stopped talking to me like I asked him to but I can see that he's waiting for the ice to melt. Why not? Until now it always has.
But this time is different. He went too far. Now I know that he never considered a relationship with me (probably the same with that super young Asian chick).
He's dropping hints in public that he has no girlfriend. Nice try. Find someone to believe you if you can.

I really doubt he feels bad about having fun with more than one girl.

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I don't think there is something wrong with you, I think it's him. Sounds like a player to me, or maybe he's still looking for the right one for him. There are billions men in the planet, so the fact that you are not the right girl for one man is totally fine. Don't let him bring more chaos in your life, i think you are great so you deserve better.

Thanks 12PM
I don't think it's a question of not being the right one. This man couldn't see the right one if she hit him with a brick. I think it's a question of being ready (I doubt he'll ever be). He hasn't had a strong relationship in 6 years. He seems to deliberately pick girls who have little in common with him, are a bit dim, young, the non-threatening type and that never lasts very long (his record is 2 years and the girl ran away head over heels).

And as for enjoying himself (I am not sure if he sleeps with all of these girls, some are also pursued for his emotional comfort). He may enjoy it in the moment but then he feels bad and reacts very defensive to the slightest criticism.

Anyway what matters to me is the result. It's not very important if his intentions are not too bad but his actions damage me. I don't expect any change. I think he's too messed up.

I'll answer your question "What is wrong with men" with this: Men can have many of the same emotional problems as women. I have known several very intelligent, physically handsome men who were internally warped, damaged and not good relationship material. No amount of my good intentions were going to change that. I think this is the case here. A decent, kind person doesn't play emotional games like you are describing. If I had to guess, I'd say this man might enjoy the attention of more than one admirer at a time, but for whatever reason not be able or willing to commit to just one person. I think you can do better than this guy for friendship or for a boyfriend.

Yes, well said. I think you are absolutely right. Good intentions won't change this. He has problems he needs to address but he's not ready to do that and it's doubtful he ever will be.
I told him countless times that if he didn't want me, fine, but that he should stop the games. He was never able to.
So I have to end the party now.

It seems I'm the only one he got so upset about. Yeaaaah I feel special

Ok update to the saga.
Guy is still multi-dating (some chicks have common points with him, some have very little but look good). I have taken my distances. After he still tried to talk to me while showing up with his girl of the month, I got mad and told him to stop communicating. He got really mad (insecure guy I guess) and blocked me on social media (we were not in each other's contacts so big deal).
I made it clear that I disapproved off this girl, while being friendly with the ones who have substance if I had a personal interest in them (cultural, work). He brings some of them to our social circle.

Anyway, now he's becoming aggressive towards me. I tried to be civil and while I don't wish to play friends, I think it's ok to say "Hi, how are you? Good? Great. Bye". We have common friends and it's very awkward to be in a group and to feel that ice build up.

Yes, he probably heard that I disapprove of his lifestyle but surely that's not news. So why on earth is he so mad at me.
In the past he was mad because I "prevented" him from living his multi-dating or low quality dating life (with women he had very little in common with but who admired him endlessly).
Is it still that??? But I don't talk to him beyond "Hi, how are you? Good? Nice."

I know it shouldn't preoccupy me but it's hard when you have so many common friends and they start to find this frosty communication or ignoring entertaining or annoying.
I can't avoid him entirely without giving up my places and activities I am attached to.

A friend said that he sees professional competition in me (could be). Another that he doesn't know what he wants (probably). Another that I shouldn't waste a thought about it (I am not a robot. We can't avoid each other constantly), another friend close to him that I should date (I am) and not be needy (I told him that to someone who for some reason doesn't want u around "hi" is already needy. Perspective, perspective).

I am pretty sure he trash talks me to people (to convince himself that I am awful?).
Some people start acting weird with me. Some are hostile (his ex), some avoid me (staring at me and not greeting me), some have become over-friendly.

What do you recommend? Talking to people seems to be pointless as they just pretend nothing is wrong and I am tired of being told that I overthink, that I'm needy etc...

I just want "normal" relationships with people. If they don't like me, fine, go away.
But why this circus?

You ask what would we recommend...

I'd recommend not to worry about why he is dating so many women. I am not sure why and how it concerns you?

He maybe stopped talking to you because you said you disapprove of him dating. He probably feels it's not your business. Or that you are jealous and want him for yourself

Others might keep their distance for other reasons, maybe because your preoccupation with this man. It's probably noticeable if you were told not to be needy. If he doesn't talk to you then there is nothing you can do. Maybe start dating in other circles and keep your distance from this one

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I am dating in other circles.

The 2 people telling me I am needy are his friend and his friend's girlfriend.

It's not my business but we have common friends and it's starting to be weird that the atmosphere is so frosty. I don't want to be part of his messy dating life but that doesn't mean I want war.

For info: I am the one who told him not to talk to me because I thought he was playing games but I also told him that I didn't hate him. So why the hostility now?

It seems that you feel helpless right now. Months later, he still seems powerful to you; you seem to believe that there is nothing you can do to escape his influence.

I would expect that an accusation of playing games and a demand to not talk to you would elicit negative responses from many people.

You are right. I feel helpless. I felt better when I was away on holiday but I can't flee everything I've built up here.
I don't understand why he can affect my life so much. I honestly don't get it because I don't admire his lifestyle to say the least. He has great prof. qualities for sure but come on.
I met another guy and if he had been single I could have very well fallen for him so it's not like he's preventing me from living a romantic life.

All I know is that this hostility towards me is taking its toll and I don't want this anymore but what can I do? I haven't spoken to him in 2 months. No contact at all. And I've been avoiding him in most places. Yet some of his friends are acting as if I was waiting there for him. It's odd. I can only imagine that they act based on what he told them. But why does he still tell them that I'm after him when it's so obvious I'm not?

It's like he's interested in me but doesn't want to admit it. That would explain the anger. But I am not forcing him to be interested in me or to date other girls. Am I? :-/

Do you think that you are thinking about this guy too much? Do you think that you are perceiving hostility, where there really is only gossip?

I understand the whole social circle thing, but you can shut down the gossip really easily by not being interested in it. And saying so.

It sounds like this guy might be becoming an obsession for you (that does not mean that you are actively chasing/stalking him....it just means that he and his life are taking up too much room in your head).

From what I have read, he is not interested in you, and is not worth the energy expended on worrying about him, including thinking that you might be "forcing" anything.

I am sure that, as time goes on, he will have less and less effect on you.

I really don't understand. You told him not to talk to you and he doesn't, but you are now upset that he doesn't?

Those other people tell you not to he needy probably because it's noticeable or because he told them you are being needy.

What's so important about this man? Talk to other people. Now if no one wants to talk to you then it's a problem. But really unless it is your brother or son or husband or boyfriend , it can't be that important to get him to talk to you?

Do you have feelings for him? Is there more to the story?

I know you said it's obvious you aren't into him. But it isn't that obvious at all. From what you said on here it seems that you are into him. You've been asking his friends why isn't he talking to you and I bet they passed it on to him.

Nothing in his behavior indicates any interest in you. Men who are interested aren't afraid to admit it and don't date other women. But even if he was interested would you really date someone who dates other women?

Let him go

Just don't let this bother you. If seeing him disturbs you then take a break from this circle . It's not worth it. He isn't available.



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I just realized is that same man who called you a stalker like several months ago. I thought it was a different guy. It's not even old friend. It's someone you kept meeting at events and now haven't spoken for long time. If that's the same guy then I'd be glad he doesn't speak to me. Count your blessings. Not only he thought you are a stalker but he spread the rumors. Good riddance

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Yes it's the same guy.

I was into him before I noticed that he was chasing other girls. Let's put it this way, any feelings I still have are prevented from developing because now I know he is into "relationships" that stay very superficial, just to get validation apparently.

I didn't want him to talk to me because he was playing games. I was never interested in a war.
The "problem" now is the hostility. We are in the same circles. It's not entirely avoidable so I can't completely be oblivious when someone shoots you daggers just because u talk to a common friend or are laughing.

It's like a divorce without a marriage! At the same time he's dropping hints on social media to catch my interest which I diligently ignore. I hope the games don't start again because then I will have to give up this social circle entirely. I already have loads of projects outside of our circle but this one is important. I made lots of great friends there.

Yes, he takes way too much space in my life. It's bothering me too, trust me. I thought everything had been said and that it would be quiet now. Think again :-/

Bill3: I agree but I told him that weeks ago and his anger is getting worse even though I hadn't seen him in a month. He seems to be feeding it on his own.

divine1966: he told me he had feelings for me a few months ago but wasn't showing them (yeah, great lol). He showed interest (asking me to help him on projects even though he didn't need anyone) but every time we got a bit closer he said he didn't want a relationship, so I told him to stop flirting with me and saying that he has feelings. That's what I meant by games.

I don't think he played games and led anyone on. He was rather up front and honest. He likes to date many women and isn't into anything serious, otherwise he wouldn't have more than one girlfriend. Pursuing him would never get you anywhere. I would go by what he does rather by what he says, I would judge by his actions.

The issue is that people always reveal who they are, but we aren't paying attention. He is who he is.

Regardless if he didn't speak to you for two months just try to let him go. You can't force him.

There are available men out there who would only date one woman. If social media is frustrating right now get off it for awhile. I am not sure how he shows hostility or anger if you two don't speak but try to let him go. He might be getting angry because you keep asking people about him. He might not even be angry.

Are in you in therapy, that might help in exploring attraction to unavailable men.

This prevents you from enjoying your life


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I am not asking anyone about him.

I was the one who didn't talk to him for 2 months but I don't want war. He threw me very nasty looks.

I am not attracted to unavailable men. I didn't know he was like that as he kept pretending he wasn't dating anyone and that he wasn't ready for a new relationship. He sent mixed messages and was not open and honest. Quite a few other girls are angry with him for this reason. At some points he withdrew but I had no idea why (conscience kicking in for leading me on apparently. Anyway not really important. I am not trying to assign blame here).

I am not trying to force him to do anything. I was just wondering why the anger towards me.

It is kind of waste of time and energy trying to figure out why others do what they do. You might never have the answer. We can only know why we do what we do.

I once had a man very actively pursuing me ( actually calling and texting every day and asking me on dates), I wasn't interested so it didn't go no where beyond few dates after which I decided I am not interested, but later I found out he had long term girlfriend the entire time. And he was actually very mad when I said I don't think we are good match. All while having a gf. "Nice"

People do weird things. Who knows and who cares why

If you aren't attracted to unavailable men then I would just stop thinking of him and try to move on. Life is too short to waste it on this guy

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I think he doesn't know himself why he acts like that so I have probably zero chance to make sense of it myself. So looking forward to doom and gloom in a few days

Why doom and gloom?

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