[Yismymindblank12]

Ok, I find it most displeasing and ironic. I would attract creepy old men and women or just creepy people, preteens or people my age that just like no I don't like you. Stop infatuating over me and you don't know me so you don't love me. It's most dreadful.

I find people who are too drastic to me, are not anything to my liking and especially with those who look like they are getting off to locking me up in cage look in their eye.

I find it funny I can't get a girl I actually like who I like and admire, but all these weird people will talk about how great I am in a very unsettling way. It's like why do I get I'm above average in attractiveness, but no girl would talk to me even if I initiate conversation and I won't act like a needy jerk or a pushover. I find it weird, that I don't want a mate at all. Everytime I talk to someone they expect me to. I know this post is starting to sound contradictory, but it isn't my point is. I can't impress one person I do like ever. I end up settling and it's always disasterous. I've not dated in 3 years I'm keeping it that way my closest friends always have a new gf all the time. I find it unfortunate they have much more experience than I do. It feels rather depressing, I don't date much of anyone. I want to date people, because I want the experience of the date itself and experience for more than one person. I'm not looking for any settling down for along while. It's sad, these gross personalities like to rear their way into my life.

I don't like anyone really. I'm the guy who rather be chivalrous when I feel like it and when I do like the person. I'm no way obligated to show it. I won't kiss or lick anyone's boots ever. I'm firm stubborn and strict on myself and if they don't like it they can piss off and let me live on without them.

I prefer this way over the other way around. I was stupid and foolish I never cared about my own mental well being. I set my standards much higher, because I want to. I won't lower anything, because I'm not settling ever. It won't happen to me, because people have different intentions every time than me. Specifically they want children too fast, they want to move on with the relationship too quickly, and they always either all or nothing or they just push me away. I hate this sexist win lose phenomena in modern relationships that are mostly one sided crappy friends.

I'm in no rush and rather I don't care anymore. I do not want to be lonely anymore, but if I had my certain needs met I wouldn't want love ever.

I will be a great host and hospitality person to someone I like, but I won't show my gratitude unless they have offered me their intent they won't hurt me initially and I don't do that very easily accept people. I never bring it up first thing anymore I won't talk about my past unless they ask. I won't talk about anything personal unless I find them trustworthy and they are exciting to talk to. They have to give me a reason to trust them before I say anything.

I have my own mental illness problems and I won't let myself be vulnerable for anyone ever. I will always win and the other person can call me a **** all they want. I'm ok with that, and I'm ok with being alone if it's must happen. I've survived and lived accordingly without someone all this time. I wouldn't need one person to tell me anything how I should feel or be in my life.

[curley]

yismy I had to reply to your posting because I would really like to have a better understanding of what you want. Or maybe you are just describing some feelings or experiences. I agree many people are totally one sided in relationships. I get over them real quick. Relationships should be give and take not all give and not all take. And like you said anyone who is not interested in you as much as they want you to be interested in them....forget them1
Kind of got the feeling you are trying to convince yourself that you are confident.
But saw you had no posts. maybe you did not care about getting replies.
Very strange!!

We are only as sick as our secrets. If we keep putting a wall around us to guard ourselves against others because of our insecurities or vulnerbilities we will never get anywhere. Life is full of risks. You have the mind set you want to be single. Okay, be single. Now think about being pen pals with someone and just spill how you feel out to them. You have to make friends first before you date someone. Just let down your guard and your list or demands of what you want and let others get to know you, and you them. Just make friends and it will develope from there. There will always be creepy people out there. Just sift through them and don't give them the time of day when pen paling with others. hope this helps. tc

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by curley

yismy I had to reply to your posting because I would really like to have a better understanding of what you want. Or maybe you are just describing some feelings or experiences. I agree many people are totally one sided in relationships. I get over them real quick. Relationships should be give and take not all give and not all take. And like you said anyone who is not interested in you as much as they want you to be interested in them....forget them1
Kind of got the feeling you are trying to convince yourself that you are confident.
But saw you had no posts. maybe you did not care about getting replies.
Very strange!!

I'm going to start with this reply, I'll answer both questions, but first the second question Yes I'm describing my experiences and yes I am looking for something it's very difficult to describe to others because it's branded into my own life experience that I can't share with everyone, because if I told you and I will you will not fully grasp my reasoning, why I care about that so much is that. I am a very misunderstood misfit like you and other people, but even if I'm wrong on that presumption it's the fact I am right at the same time for just simply being misunderstood is just a horrible feeling.

I grew up my whole life feeling lied to by everyone even my parents. I felt no one loved me and I try to make the most of what I have by the people I have near me. I try to be friends with people, but people are very distant. I do rather have close friends, but that's very difficult to achieve and that I want to believe my perspective is wrong.

So to answer your second question, I'm trying to convince myself I'm confident in certain aspects, because people projected their insecurities and misunderstandings on me, because they can't handle the hell I went through and the one I go through now. That even when you are in a group of other unloved misguided and misunderstood you will fall into the further depths of obscurity becoming almost like an oddity just that people rather pass you by and see the superficial things even people who are suffering maybe worse than me.

It's hard to explain how it's that people who go through worse than me get what they want as in they find what they seek and it just falls into their lap.

And other people who don't have heartache once have things fall into their lap every second in their life it seems like they just don't get sad, because they don't understand it that people who are sad are broken and not worthy to receive affection, because everyone finds those individuals ungrateful childish and no one should love them.

I convince myself I'm confident, because I am in some regards, but others it's just a way to keep myself sane and killing myself.
I can't believe even any of the things that happened to me, how I lived through night terrors after night terrors having my hallucinations take form of everything and everyone around me fooling my whole existence. What if you woke up one day and the things you thought you knew never were what you believed they were all just lies, whether bad or good, you suffer feeling scared because you can't get a grip on anything and the world can turn quite skewed and twisted very very quickly. It's a very difficult hole to get out of.

Also I wasn't making it up, that around 16 children who were my age played a prank on me that would end up been horribly went wrong I was punished for it as a suspension, but I told the man the truth and the vice principal didn't believe me a man pointed a gun in my face in a drunken rant and he wanted to kill me. I was only 8. That when I saw a picture of my 8th bday party it was undeniable proof of what my hellish life truly was. I never believed the stories I locked away in my head when it all came back to me in a photo I cried seeing only 6 people showed up to my bday I was super grateful and happy, but my parents went out their way to have over 150 guests come over. They all didn't show up, because the mother and father of a teenage boy who raped and tortured me wanted to spread lies and rumors about me and my family just because they felt that their son was no rapist and I was a liar to ruin his life. So they set out to ruin mine since I was 6 years old when child services went to their home and police went to the neighbors house causing a big stir. My sister my mother and my dad did not know anything of the true hell I went through everyone marginalized everything I went through on that point on in my life even today they did.

I hated when they were attempted to make me feel more positive they never considered I can do it on my own as I wish it to be, and I'm not some idiot everyone tries to frame me to be. I wanted to kill myself multiple times at a very young age and my teenage years because no one did love me they felt either pity and tried to hide it or they were intimidated by me in some weird way and just pretended to be my friend. I'm not making this up either, they even admitted to this too.

Rather I was searching for someone who wouldn't do this to me.

That one day I won't be born in a world where I'm truly alone and die alone in.

The people I felt the closest too suffered as much as I did and were misunderstood, my grandmother beaten starved and looked like death I saw my own eyes at 12 when she was on her death bed from alzheimers disease and remembering the soft happiness that radiated from her. I still cry every single moment I remember her, because she was such a beautiful soul. She was my mother when my mother wasn't there she babysitted me when I was very young till she couldn't take care of herself anymore she lost all her body functions and was physically treated worse than **** for a decade before passing away in 2006. I still remember the day the time of day and remember everything about that. How I wish it was me not her, that she shouldn't had been treated so cruelly before she died. She suffered all the way till the end. It broke my heart and whatever hope I had in growing up shattered, how atrocious people can truly be.

My other close person is my daughter who was aborted for "just" reasons of that my ex would of died from giving birth to her, do to the physical shock and strain of going into labor would of been. It's legitimate reasoning, and that didn't bother me the most at all. I settled with that part 3 years ago.

I was her mother herself she was selfish uncaring of her family me and anyone else, she only wanted to take things from everyone and never really shown that she really loved another person ever. I never wanted her around my daughter and she always called her she's your kid all the time in an insulting manner mocking me that she had control over me because she's caring her in her body. It was very insulting and disrespectful how she didn't care about her and just wanted to use her. I was so angry and I vowed to never be in that situation ever again. The thought ever having children mortifies me. I would literally rather die than go through that pain again. My ex didn't suffer, she lied the whole thing I suffered. Before she was aborted somehow I knew this be the last moments I was with her, I remember how sad I was and in that car ride how it seemed so cliche and stupid, but she didn't know how badly I will miss her.

Lastly my friend who just passed away a couple months ago who helped me along my life while dating her, he basically got me to open up she wasn't a perfect girlfriend and friends mattered most. He and my other friend kerry had a falling out with him recently. I never got to tell him goodbye nor tell him how perfect he was and that he did a lot of questionably misguided actions, he was 24 and dated underaged girls and I didn't approve of it, he wasn't a bad guy after getting passed that. He was a devote father and a very loyal best friend. I still have the video games and levels we have and haven't completed on save files in memory of him still.

I'm still very much miss him.

See in this regard I'm not so confident, because people don't know that kind of loss, but I am confident, because I haven't gave up. Then again I gave up the methods I previously used.

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

We are only as sick as our secrets. If we keep putting a wall around us to guard ourselves against others because of our insecurities or vulnerbilities we will never get anywhere. Life is full of risks. You have the mind set you want to be single. Okay, be single. Now think about being pen pals with someone and just spill how you feel out to them. You have to make friends first before you date someone. Just let down your guard and your list or demands of what you want and let others get to know you, and you them. Just make friends and it will develope from there. There will always be creepy people out there. Just sift through them and don't give them the time of day when pen paling with others. hope this helps. tc

This is the best response I've received on this site so far, why. It's entirely relevant to what I view my situation and how I approach it.

I try to balance being guarded and not, and it's very hard sometimes impossible with some people I meet. I do take risks, but most of these risks always have previously lead to a lot of disappointment. I don't carry regret anymore since I was younger. I'm trying to strip away the old me and make a new from whatever happens it is working but slowly.

I chose to be single to avoid accepting abusive people to settle an addiction to feeling loved and cared for, because people never really gave me that satisfaction so I was very foolish not knowing what I was looking for even going as far as sexual and physical abuse from someone I admire as a form of love by punishment which lead me to be in dangerous situations and scarring moments in my life.

It's not easy being penpals most of all people I've had the hardest time talking to and that's ok. It's just how it is. I'm only stuck with the select few that's it. I try to reach others like a calling beacon it sometimes works, but then falls flat with no bearing not fruit. It's literally why it's called fishing.

I've tried doing as such, but I find the people not suited to my liking, and it's not really a form of acquired tastes, but that I know what relationships I want with these people and what I don't.

This is my stance, I won't ever be ready for love unless someone is willing to give to me first. I know how to find that easier than most people. Sadly what I also find is intentions. I like to learn other people and where I find disappointment, is that the person is really nice and caring, but didn't like me or the person was really into me sorta, but has their own issues or they want to harm me. It's always has been one of the 3 so far.

I have friends who people just flock to them for no apparent reason and they grew up with the opportunity like I did to make lots of friends, but I had a lot harder time they everyone else, just because I was misunderstood, because the parents of the rapist who sought out to destroy my life did just that at least socially and emotionally. I had very little friends and had a very tough time starting friendships as a kid, because people thought I was a bad person or a crazy psycho. No one saw my anger or rage fits I made as a child even when they were very scarce as a form of fear and that I had no intention of harming others and did everything to undo that harm if it was collateral damage growing up. I became very compassionate and cared about everyone's wellbeing even sacrificing my own.

I felt my whole life, people should be happy, but I get very jealous and sad sometimes, but not very long though. It's just that I wanted someone to really show me they understand me and I'm not going to let this guard up anymore that I had to force upon myself to keep people who don't understand from ridiculing me and making me feel worse than a person.

I'll clarify in gradeschool after I transferred to 4 different district schools in the area the family did so much damage to my reputation it was like a virus people like heard of me because some teachers broke confidentiality rule and recently found that out in 2012 from a former classmate and I told my mom this and I was unaware of that when I was in 4th grade everyone faked being my friend, because they were told of that I was a troubled child of much very very bad things happened to me that I needed to be shown I was cared for.

It's ****ed up I was more just cast aside later on and that I was an anomaly more than anything my obscurity of the real me the good me got muddied, because they thought my fits of rage were the reason I was gone through bad things, because they thought I was a bad child. They lacked to understand and the adults didn't know I was abused so violently physically sexually mentally etc.

What I desire most in life is to rid this... forever. It's not been easy then as it is now. I'm still trying to undo it. I've gotten better at some of my progress, but I need more life experience before I can continue.

Cruelty of humans can start in childhood and I've seen it firsthand. I've seen it in passed down from parent to child too like a birth right passage. That we respond to others in anger or hatred or prejudice, because we don't understand or they are assumed weak so we prey on them. That's the kind of people who did make my life hell. They take many forms and none are trusted.

So I need proof from the other person discretely, I won't ask I won't beg I won't even try to care, because I want to see if they were legit or not. It's worked in proving whose not worthy of my recognition. I do judge others, but I won't be involved in their lives much nor will I say anything to their face, because they need to figure it out on their own and I do too with my own. So it's not my call to tell them what to do.

See I've still able to make more risks, but I've been losing a lot of momentum, because it's now a very dark place in my life, my body is suffering tremendous neuro tics and tremors and I'm having some symptoms similar to POTS and dystonia. I was diagnosed with Stiff person syndrome 2 years ago in march from a possible response biologically from my near death experience one of my many from disease of a brain bacterial infection of encephaylitis if you read into the disease you know how deadly it can be and how much damage it can wreak havoc on all body organs and functions.

I won't let the disease take me neither will I let others take care of my body, because I will not be like my grandmother, because it's not fair to her that I suffer as much as she did.

There are very little people who truly understand what hell is. It can take many forms in their life, but all the feelings are the same response. They need something they were never given. I was never given the affection I needed so I will laugh smile and show how happy I am in other ways, but deep down I'm wanting to die and that I've not truly smiled and said I love you and meant it even when I did it was very short lived and taken back. It's a prized possession to me. I don't let anyone get into my head when I date them, I shut out and shut down any attempts for them to control me.

It's just how it is.

I'm sorry to hear about your loneliness.

Do you think perhaps your being lonely might be linked to a stubborness to accept people for who they are?

So just what would be so bad about lowering your standards a little? You may just find a diamond in the rough. Is it that you feel a need that as a couple you must appear to be better than average? I sense you feel a need to draw the attention of people and hence any relationship must pass scrutiny. I think if you lightened up a bit you may actually find it easier to get what you want.

[popuri88]

I 'test' people too, but I'm not as... huh... strict as you, though I share some of those feelings. I judge like you do even though I don't look at my own self with the most positive attitude. I find it hard to accept that and I'm not always good at following this advice, but the only way to get over this is to lower your guard a little bit. This is awfully hard for me, because I fear that every chance I lower my guard can be a chance were my bad judgements are right, even though I've seen my insights failing many times.

It's not about lowering your standards, but giving the chance to prove those and some of you strict concepts are wrong, because there's a huge probability that they are. I'm not saying what you've been through is invalid, but it's always better to not allow things like that crystallize as truths... and that's quite what you're doing.

You'll have to take the risk, I know it's very distressing, but that's it. To begin with, stop comparing yourself with others. I do that too, but you must be aware of how useless, senseless this is. Don't feed it, don't let it take you. Understand that there's no straight trail, no causeXeffects guaranteeing you anything and stop trying to figure what do others do to get what you don't.

[Yismymindblank12]

Originally Posted by rcat

I'm sorry to hear about your loneliness.

Do you think perhaps your being lonely might be linked to a stubborness to accept people for who they are?

So just what would be so bad about lowering your standards a little? You may just find a diamond in the rough. Is it that you feel a need that as a couple you must appear to be better than average? I sense you feel a need to draw the attention of people and hence any relationship must pass scrutiny. I think if you lightened up a bit you may actually find it easier to get what you want.

Nope it's definitely not that.

[Yismymindblank12]

Besides to accept what that I'm isolated most of the time not by my own choice anymore. That people forgot about me and left me behind and that every venture has made me more useless in doing anything.

I can't meet new people if they don't care about me or care to see me. I can't go meet new people and hope it's different. It's a fact I deal with.