[UCLAFan]

At times i feel like nobody will like me for me.In the past i'd try to please others. Even if it was not good for me to do that. When i would stick up for myself. Some people would call me a *****.Some times i feel like i have to be perfect to be cared about and loved. It do's not help that i grew up with having a beauty queen as a sister and a jock as a brother.I was a dork compared to them. I was not popular in high school. My sister and brother growing up picked on me about my looks etc.My mom has said hurtful things to about my looks and my Epilepsy.Most of my family treats me like the black sheep of the family.Plus i'm ashamed and scared of having depression. Because a stigma comes with depression.I know nobody's perfect. But some seem close to being perfect.My family still says hurtful stuff. I wish they'd just shut the hell up and leave me alone.

[muse]

I TOTALLY FEEL YOU!!!! I feel the exaxt same way SOOO much of the time.... fortunatley my family isn't that obvious about it, but I live in an area where EVERYBODY is an overachiever, and both of my parents are SO incredibly successful... I'm not exactly at the top of my game right now (anxiety, depression, ADD, other suff yet to be diagnosed), and I'm not anywhere NEAR as beautiful as the girls I'm always surrounded with who spend two hours in front of a mirror each morning. I'm a perfectionist because of it, and honestly, that just adds to my depression and SERIOUSLY impacts my self-esteem issues.

Point being: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!!! EVER!!! Trying to be perfect all the time is like doing this over and over again. I know, however, that attempting to accept yourself, esepcially when your family isn't as accepting, is one of the hardest things to do in life. My advice? TRY, just really really TRY, to take little steps towards bulding up your self-esteem and confidence, and let your mistakes go. Celebrate what you do correctly, even if others find it trivial, and if you make a mistake, don't look at it emotionall, look at it critically and say, "You know what? I can let this pass."

And above all, never, NEVER, EVER try to please everybody!!! That is just emotionally and physically exhausting, especially when you should be focusing on YOU and how YOU can be the best person you can. Try to talk to your family about how they've hurt you and are hurting you, and I will hope and pray they listen.

Good luck, and TONS of love from a fellow "black sheep"!!!
~muse

[selfy]

i agree no more people pleasing.... please... it aint good 4 u
i am so bad with the people pleasing that i actually ended up getting sexually harrassed coz i didnt want to upset them.
ooopsie
anyway
take care
self

[UCLAFan]

I'm working on this in counseling.But it's really hard. I just want to be liked.muse and selfy thanks for the support. Muse i have talked to my family so many times. But they are in denial that they ever verbally abused me.My mom still do's it every now and then.She tells me im going to hell because i don't attend church and i go to rock concerts.Plus that i will never get a man as long as i'm a tom boy.So i avoid most of her phone calls.

[selfy]

*frowns* no,,, i think that u will go to heaven for not going all moody on her for it. you dont need to go to church, every where is Gods place, you dont have to worship him in a church
plus i think there are loads of guys out there who like tomboys, my bf likesthe fact that i am not a total girl (mentally not physically) hehe
tc
self

[UCLAFan]

She thinks i'm doing groupie type things. Hell i don't even drink and i sure don't do drugs.I tend to just wear jeans and tee shirts. I never was into wearing dresses and make up.I have not worn a dress in 3 to 4 years.Plus she thinks i don't believe in God at all. My mom do's not know me very well.

[selfy]

she thinks your a groupie? wow thats trust for yah,,, my mom doesnt know me either. i figure that by the fact that it took her 3 yrs and a doc to tell her to work out that i had a problem with hurting myself. also she has no idea that there is anyhting wrong with me. i havent worn a dress since i was very young. i cant stand them.
tc
self

[Perna]

It gets better the older you get. Eventually you don't have to please others and you know yourself and your good and bad attributes and traits and what you like/don't like. I grew up in the 1950s and 60s when girls still "had" to wear dresses and jeans and tee shirts didn't even exist. I didn't fit in then either. My stepmother was not pleased because I didn't take care of my hair or wear makeup, etc. Hang in there, things do get better when you get away from your primary family and get to know "more" and varied people. You just don't fit in with your family, not the rest of the world! There's a place for you in the larger world and in that place you will fit perfect :-)

[UCLAFan]

I'm 36 and still dealing wth this.I should have said my age at the start.Yes i'm a grown adult that has lived on her own since 1989.But my mom thinks i still need her help etc.I try not to please her any more. How can i stop from her nagging me?But i still want to please others not just my family.At jobs i had i'd work others shift and at times would be worn out and had no life.I listen to folks problems. But when i need help. Most turn their back on me or change the subject.I have told a few people.If all they are gonna do is call me with their problems and that's the only time they will call me.To not bother calling me at all. Then i got cussed out and also got called uncaring and mean.

[Direction]

I'm not looking for perfect...I'm looking for some compassion and direct assertive communication...and nobody can do these perfectly either...

Just thought you would like a guys perspective...

I've done the people pleasing thing with my ex...just lead to passive aggressiveness...

my thoughts are all over the place hope this makes sense.

[UCLAFan]

Thanks for a guys view.

[Perna]

I didn't "get rid of" my stepmother until she died when I was 51 :-) A lot of stuff is drilled into us and it takes getting away from it somehow before we realize it doesn't have to be that way. My T was a good help there, pointing out and illustrating alternative ways things could go. But just having too much or shutting it off so there's "nothing" doesn't work very well. There's middle ground out there but it is wholly different from what one has known before; it's not about perfect or not-perfect and what others expect. It has to start inside with what you want for/from yourself. When you "lead" in your life, the other players have to follow. And, since it is your life and you're enjoying it and leading well, etc. you look attractive so they are falling all over each other to follow but since you're "happy" as you are, you can pick and choose to be around those people you enjoy and who are kind and helpful, etc.

[UCLAFan]

Lately i choose to be a bit of a loner. Because i'm tired of drama and people's Bs. But at times i feel really lonely or like a loser. MY T told me i should be alone than rather be used and taken advantage of.She say's i should take more time getting to know people before i call them a friend or trust them.I go to baseball games and am known a bit by some of the baseball players. Some people will be snotty to me. But 5 minutes later when they see me talking to a baseball player. They all of a sudden act like they are my best friend. I have had that happen so many times. I just want to scream at people.Another thing is i have no car and i'm always time to meet people. Some times i leave 2 hours early to make sure i'm on time. But most folks i use to hang out with. Who have cars would show up 30 minutes to an hour late. One person would call me on her cell and tell me i better not go into Pop's untill she shows up. She wanted me to wait for her and i'd go inside and a few times she would not show up untill 2 hours later. I put my foot down and no longer hang out with this person.Some folks think i'm so nice that they can use me as a door mat. When i say what bothers me. I have been callled names and been told how dare you say anything to me you are supposed to be nice.