[Direction]

I'm starting to feel not just lonely...but really lonely regarding women...seems I'm always the friend and nothing else...It's difficult especially in some cases I may want more...but no spark felt from that person...at least so I think...

Anyway I guess I have some questions (some maybe a bit shallow)...I know that having that spark is different for everyone...

Is weight an issue? Height? Lack of taking action? Having children? Having been divorced? Not projecting a bad boy image? At what point do these become issues?

I'm just so confused...maybe its because I have a crush...How do you move on from it?

[snowflake_48888]

I have those same feelings about men...always the friend but nothing more. I always think...what's wrong with me????

I have those same questions about myself and why men do not feel attracted to me. Now for what I feel...weight is not an issue as long as they groomed well...height never a bother...I perfer a man that isn't extremely passive...at my age I wouldnt want small children...divorce is not a problem as long as it hasn't been like 5 times...humor is always a good one for me....and eyes..i can look into their eyes and see the depth of their soul.

Moving on is difficult....but given time it will happen. I have had a little experience there...unfortunately...

take care direction and I hope your loneliness subsides some...
Snow

[tranquility]

Direction - can I relate to you! I have always been overweight so I have always been every guys best friend. I was married, divorced, lived with a guy, then lived with a woman for 10 years.

It is always the same questions brewing. I know for me, I would overcompensate to have someone like me - spend money, be available, offer sex, etc. etc....

I'm now at a point in my life (age 42) that I am not going to look for anyone. I figure when it happens I will know and I will be ready.

I am very lonely too, but then I think I don't want to get in a relationship just because I'm lonely. I figure this time I'll be friends with a person and then realize I want a relationship because I want the relationship.

Tranquility

[sabby]

((((((((((((Direction)))))))))))))))

I'm not in the dating pool but I think I know what you are going through. It's so hard to find "the right one" sometimes. I'm also a firm believer that things happen (or don't happen) for a reason. We may not always know what that reason is, and that can sometimes be difficult to accept.

If I were you, I suppose I would try to figure out exactly how you are portraying yourself to others. Ask one of your friends (female) that you trust enough to give you an honest answer, what they see you as and how you are projecting yourself. Sometimes there are little nuances of a person that we are not aware we are putting out there. We may crave a relationship but there is just a little something that is giving people the idea that we don't want them to get too close. Maybe you are trying too hard???

This may not be the case with you at all, I don't know. It's just a thought I wanted to pass on to you.

I truly believe that when the time is right, your angel will appear. Keep your eyes, heart, mind and soul open to the possibilities!

Hugssss
J

[asylumgardens]

I think we're in different age groups (I'm 22) so I'm not sure how some people would react to kids, divorce, etc. I wouldn't get involved with someone with kids or who was divorced if they were around my age, but only because it seems young for that sort of thing. If you are older, people should be more understanding and possibly in the same situations. Divorce itself isn't an unattractive quality unless it's happened excessively like snowflake said.

I also agree with Sabau. Find out how you portray yourself to women. I am extremely lonely and have horrible self esteem myself, and I often wonder why no men are attracted to me, etc., but a male friend told me it's because of how I think about myself. I don't really see myself as worthy, I guess, and even though I don't walk up to guys saying "Hi, I'm ugly and stupid, there's no way you'd want to date me" all of those bad things I think about myself "radiate" out of me in a negative way, I guess. It's hard to change.. I don't even know how to change it myself, but you might take that into consideration.

You don't have to be a "bad boy" either. Looks aren't the most important thing, at least to me, as long as you are well groomed, clean, etc. It's hard to say on a broad scale because some people (men and women) are shallow and will reject others based on looks, and even though you know logically that that type of person isn't good to be with, it still hurts, but anyone worth your time won't see those physical things as a priority.

About the lack of taking action, personally I am very shy. I also tend to like shyness in guys, though. This can cause a problem though because I have had experiences with MAJOR communication problems because both of us are too shy to speak up about what we want, and someone (me) ends up getting hurt. You don't have to be all over a girl, but once you feel comfortable with one, don't be afraid to express how you feel.

As for you having a crush, why do you have to move on? Can you pursue this person? If there's some reason why you can't, then I guess you do have to move on, which I don't know the cure for, but maybe if you can pursue her, you should give it a shot? This is a lot longer than I meant to write lol. Anyway, good luck.

[Direction]

"I guess, and even though I don't walk up to guys saying "Hi, I'm ugly and stupid, there's no way you'd want to date me"

I probably am protrarying this...

Just really feeling it today...guess I'm looking for some kind magic wand...to make the pain go away.

Thank you for all the comments...I am in my late 30's...

[asylumgardens]

Yeah, it's hard.. My friend tells me to just think more positively about myself, but it's easier said than done when you have that image of yourself so ingrained. Hopefully the pain does go away for you.

[crushed73]

direction i think we have spoke about sparks before.. initially there has to be some sort of an attraction and feelings from others cant be forced... i should know lol BUT i think there are alot of quality people out there. I dont think looks matter as it isnt what keeps people around in that relationship. If so then that is shallow. I think you have to feel good about yourself then you will attract what is good for you and that attractiveness that you feel you are lacking will shine thru. keep your chin up and know that people care. We are all lonely in a sense. you are not alone.

[Direction]

I appreciate all the responses - I think I already knew all this...unfortunately it just isn't making me feel any better...

[crushed73]

im sorry... is it the person that you were involved with before?

[Direction]

No...and now there really seams no way to even really tell this person.

[crushed73]

why?

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Direction, I think a lot of people can ask themselves the same things: what's wrong with me? For me, it came about after my husbands long affair. We tend to internalize the justification.

"Focus upon what you want, not what you don't want" ~ something my therapist repeats to me all the time. If you know you are a great catch, walk with that thought in your pocket. Push away the negative self-talk as it arises, challenge it until you believe the new self-talk. It may feel foreign at first but with more experience, it will become a part of who you are. Even the most charming of people experience negative self-talk.

Feeling lonely is a hard place to be. Try some self-care until the feelings begin to ease. I know it's easier said than done, but please do try. That's what ice cream is for )

Songbird

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Direction said:
but no spark felt from that person...at least so I think...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

There's two people in any relationship. You can only know about yourself and whether you feel a spark and whether you feel a spark from the other person. But even if you do/don't feel a spark from the other person, you still have to do "reality testing" and discuss what the other person feels! What you feel "about" them is not the same as what they feel, ever!

Ask the person you feel a spark for what their experience is like as you tell them "I enjoy being with you" or whatever. "Show them yours" :-) and ask in exchange for them to show you theirs. That's the only way a two-way relationship can work. It's called "communication" :-)

{{{Direction}}} Hope you find a "certain" someone so your loneliness abates.

[SpringStar]

((((((((((((((((((((Direction))))))))))))))))))))))

Take it easy....good things come to those that wait....???

I'm not good on this one it seem i always fall for the wrong ones.......

[Direction]

So a spark is more then a physical attraction? Don't you have to be somehow intially attracted to the person? I guess I'm still left confused.

Other then to follow the advice and go to the persona and be straight up with her as Perna suggest...

[crushed73]

i think you can experience a couple different sparks.. one from example if you see someone accross the room and no conversation and you are attracted.. second being after getting to know someone and liking their personality etc. It will be ok.. keep chin up.

[Direction]

Thanks...when the time is right...I will let this person know...in the meantime...I'll try not to worry about it so much...

When I get fixated on an issue - I have trouble letting it go...Happens in all facets of my life...sometimes it is a good thing (problem solving) and other times well you can see...

[TYMBERWOLV]

Direction

I will be praying for ya in the next few days to allow god to comfort you in these times of lonliness .....

As everyone has said things like this takes time .... Its not something u really want to rush into .. I understand how it is to be alone I was married for 12 years one day I found myself looking in from the outside .... i miss the companionship but that doesn't make me who I am it just adds that piece to my life

I found new hobbies and am doing the things that i always wanted to do and if there is a special person im goin to try it out .....



Tymber

[meander]

((((Direction))))

I think there's been some good advice here.

I wouldn't stress too much about the details, (height, kids etc) since anyone worthy of you will accept you the way you are. Changing yourself for another person's sake only is a really really bad idea.

Also, I'm sorry you feel lonely, but remember that having a relationship is NOT the be-all and end-all of life, even though it's hard to remember that when your mind is full of someone else.

As to the spark thing- in my experience, it's a combination of physical attraction, and a certain kind of knowledge, I guess, that you connect with the person on a deeper level. But sometimes the spark is more intellectual than physical... I had a brief relationship last year with a 35 y/o,( I'm 21) and it was more of a mental thing where we never stopped talking than a physical thing. We were friends for ages first, and I was actually really surprised when I realised that I actually liked him. We no longer date, but still are close friends. So I guess the spark doesn't have to be physical, maybe just something that draws the two of you closer..

-Meander

[Direction]

Thanks for the continued comments...I'm gradually starting to let this go...

Unlike the other night I spent 3 and a half hours hooking up my wireless internet when it should have taken 15 minutes...as I said before sometimes my mind won't let it go...

I guess rant about loneliness is one to let go...thank you for all the good advice.

[spicy39]

direction-are you gay or straight?

[TYMBERWOLV]

Hey Direction ,

I was just wondering with all the sheep jokes going around possibly u coukd hook up with HeyJoe and share one of his sheeps baaaaaaaaaaaah



Just Kidding Bro......

Hang In there you will get thru this


Tymba