<font color="#000088"> Am I really that bad,that people here don't even want to give me a chance.I'm trying so hard to fit in,and show support also,not just get it! Because I really do care,and if people would just give me a chance you would see how much of a caring person I am.It's true I have bad day's,but who doesn't? I won't lie,I have a big problem with my temper,but at least I'm big enough to admit it,and I'm working hard to try to control it.I mean,I'm under attack daily at home,by 2 of my neighbors,so I'm always on defensive mode.I know that's none of your fault,and if I've hurt any of your feelings because of it,I am truly sorry.I also lost my father not too long ago,so my family has been verbally abusing me as well,so I'm really going through so much abuse right now,that I just need as much support as I can get.Now my methods,of some of the things I post,you may not understand why,but there is a rhyme and a reason for everything I do,so please just give me the benefit of the doubt! I'm not here to harm anyone,I'm here to support and be supported,true I get off track sometimes,but when you see that,it means something is happening to me at home,and I'm in trouble emotionally,and need help the most,so please don't push me away,and leave me in a corner like my Mom did when I was a child.I need you all,and I will be here for you as well,just please give me a chance,and don't throw me away,I've been trashed so many times,I'm lucky to be alive,and there's a reason why God has kept me alive,so if you don't trust me,atleast trust God,and give me a chance!
((((((((((PC))))))))))))
*Justice* </font>

[katheryn]

((((((((((((((Justice))))))))))))))

[seeker1950]

Hi,l Justice..
I don't think you're bad at all!
You must remember that all who come here to PC have their own "baggage" and issues with which they (and I!!!) deal daily.
You have a wealth of experience and insights which are unique to just you!
Patty

justice....i don't think that you are bad......but i do think that your anger may be scaring folks a little.........you'll find support here..please keep posting.......

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there Justice -- I don't know the back story on this, but what Seeker and Butterfly Lady wrote seems wise to me. Keep going! You will find your niche.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Justice))))))))))))))))))

[nothemama8]

Justice, we all went through this when we became members, it isn't you, just give it more time
Peace be with you dearheart
Angie

Hi Justice,
I've had no problems with you and from I've seen I don't see why anyone would. (((((((((((((Justice))))))))))))

<font color="#000088"> I'm working very hard at the anger problem,and the fact that I haven't gotten arrested lately for doing anything to my neighbors,means I'm doing a pretty damn good job!Even when my neighbor was right in my face the other day,I walked away,at one point in time, every bone in her face would have been shattered! </font>

[Wants2Fly]

Bravo! Justice. What wonderful progress. So glad you can see the change in yourself. That is awesome.

[Fuzzybear]

You do scare me a bit........or rather I am a bit scared by you. I own it

Take care,
Fuzzy

PS I don't think you are "really that bad"..... And kudos to you for keeping trying despite what some may or may not think..........

[nothemama8]

I truely feel your anger and pain, remember some of us have been through the same if not worse, proud that your trying to control your anger
Angie

[Perna]

The problem I have with reading your posts is that you have been here less than a month but over 15% of your posts have had to be deleted/"administered" to. If nearly 1 out of every 5 of your posts are "that" bad, how can I trust that I won't read one of those and be upset? It makes it very much like russian roulette for me to read a post of yours? My job is to take care of myself and, consequently, I don't play russian roulette.

I have the "I want to preview my post" box checked so I can't post until I've hit the continue/post button twice. Sometimes I write a scathing reply or type my heart out, anger and vilification dripping from my fangs :-) but it wouldn't occur to me to hit that continue button the second time.

Watch Walt Disney's "Bambi." Like the rabbit, Thumper's, mother said and my stepmother taught me at about the age of 5, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Practicing that for awhile I found the anger cools a bit and I get out of the habit of responding angrily. Anger's a good thing! But I've never found that hurting or frightening others is a good thing. Figure out how to use your anger to help yourself and others, not to hurt. The rest is just excuses.

One of my favorite Carly Simon verses:

Sorry that your mother dropped you on your head
Maybe her mother dropped her too
In the end we all get dropped
We all get black and blue

((((((((Perna)))))))))
Justice, what you said about you would have shattered every bone in your female neighbor's face was very scary. It may need a trigger icon.
I'm glad you were in enough control of yourself not to hurt her and instead walk away. But just to think you have it in you to do that, in your mind, is very frightning. My anger issues don't involve attacking people so I don't feel the urgency for me that I'm feeling with you.
You're seeing a professional, right? With anger that brutal, you have to. Even by the way you write-I can tell that you need to be comforted and tamed.
You scare people. You have to see it for what it is. People run away from you not because they don't like you-they probably can't get past your anger NOT to like you, they feel your anger and they don't like your anger.
(((((((((((Justice))))))))))) Why are you so angry? Can you get to the bottom of that? You're hurting, you're in so much pain. I'm sorry for that. Just NOT shattering every bone in someone's face is not enough, Justice-you're walking on a high wire. Be careful.

<font color="#000088"> Most of the posts of mine that have had to be edited for content were the posts containing the details of the abuse I went through as a child,they were too graphic and triggering for the members.I couldn't post the details,the content was way too graphic,I was severely tortured! That answers your why most my posts have had to be edited concern.They were those posts,the one's in the mental health area.And I do carry a lot of anger around because the abuser got away with it,and lives in my town,and is now rubbing it in my face,bragging about getting away with ruining my life,and harrassing me over it!I was raised with survival of the fittest.I'm trying to change my ways,but even my neighborhood I come from,you have to watch your back,all the time,or you could get taken out.I've always had to protect myself,because nobody else is going to do it. I spent 2 years on the streets in the late 90's in Los Angeles,CA,you turn your back even once at the wrong time,it could mean your life.I've been shot,stabbed,raped,and I won't even get into the rest,I had to learn how to survive, so forgive me if my guard is up,it's always up!Imagine being a 20 yr old female alone on the streets of LA!How would you survive? Curl up with a doll,and just pray!It doesn't work that way,you're a target,at that age,and being a female makes it a lot scarier!You learn to protect yourself,or you don't survive!I was not going to be a prostitute!I had to fight for my freedom!I hope some of you can picture the situation,and put yourself in my shoes and see that I was protecting my self at all cost's and survived,and that's all I'm trying to do now!Sometimes I forget,that I'm not in LA anymore,and I'm okay,nobody is trying to hurt me,but it was very traumatic for me,I have PTSD,and I get flashbacks,but I'm trying to control myself.I wouldn't hurt anyone unless it was self-defence! Try to put yourself in my shoes for a minute and you just might see! </font>

I thought you were a male. You're a female, right?
You were abused in California? And you moved to Utah and got away from the place of abuse or were you abused in Utah, moved to California to get away from it but then for some reason had to move back to Utah? I'm a little confused.
I didn't see the posts you wrote that were edited and deleted. If it's any consolation, I've been edited and deleted and I think almost everyone here on this forum has been.
I understand your guard being up but you have to understand why PC's guard may be up in turn.
Is there a way you can describe what's happened to you without being too graphic-give the general idea-not the details. Like you can say I was raped at knife point instead of "he held a knife to my throat and then tore off my clothes..."
Graphics can really give us the willies. You may be tough enough to handle those kinds of graphics because you deal with your abuse differently.
Justice, I hope this all works itself out with your being here on PC. I'd really like to see you here, feeling comfortable and supported.

I was abused in Both States,but most of it was here in Utah!It started when I was a baby in California,then my family moved to Utah,and it continued here in Utah.Yes I am a female.I have 9 brothers,and 1 sister she was abused to! My mom let it happen,because her father abused her,so she figured it was only fair,so it was the oldest brother that did the abusing,and my Mom just let it happen,and we were threatened that we weren't to tell my Dad or my Mom would beat us,and my brother threatened to kill us if we said anything about what he was doing to us!Now my Dad is dead,and my Mom is rubbing it in my face that thiers no one to stick up for me now,because I didn't keep it as the family secret when I was young,I told my Dad,and he found out it was true,he even divorced my Mom.My Brother is also rubbing it in my face that he got away with it,and now my Dad's not around to say it's true!Just constant harrassment,I'm trying to get back to California,where I made my home In San Diego as an Adult,and get away from my family.

Hi Justice,

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time of it here.

I think what I hear most from your posts is that you don't feel that anyone understands what you've been through.

And yes, you're right. We might not have experienced living on the streets of LA, but some have lived on the streets of Chicago, some in Boston, some are still out there.

I hear the sharp pain when you talk about your torture and abuse and my heart goes out to you. No one should go through that and I'm sorry you did.

Many here have suffered very similar circumstances. A lot of us know some of what you feel even if we have not walked step-by-step in your shoes. Unfortunately, abuse is abuse is abuse and the threads are common.

I read your post in the Grief Forum. I lost my father at a young age and it was the beginning of a messed up life for me, so I do know what that feels like, just not what you feel like. But maybe we can learn from each other or at least listen.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you are not alone with your feelings. Sharing them here can be very healing.
Working through your anger is a good thing. You have every right to be extremely pissed off.

I really do think we get where you're coming from. I hope you know that.

Petunia

I'm going to try harder not to be so aggressive.Sorry if I scared anybody!

((( Justice )))

You're doing just fine.

[kimmydawn]

I'm VERY proud of your hard work today, Justice.

I think some barriers have been broken?

Love,

KD

[meander]

(((Justice)))

Welcome to PC, if you want to talk at all, feel free to PM me at any time.

[SongBirdandDaisy]

Hello Justice,

I haven't read your posts because I'm new, but really bad things happened to me too. Like a lot of people here. We each deal with it in our own way. Perhaps writing is good for you, getting that bad stuff out. But as someone said, it can be extremely triggering - I know there are certain words my therapist cannot say because it triggeres me into dissociation. I know I would not be able to read some of what you've attempted to write and I appreciate and head the trigger icons, Thank you. But, if writing helps you express yourself and cleans your thoughts, try writing it in a journal! Use a big red angry marker if you like!

Living can be trial and error. And it's all okay. I think by the numerous responses, that you have a lot of support here and people are trying to help. Keep up the good work!

Betrayed

[selfy]

big hugs and good wishes,,,, we can understad that you are trying... and you are free to talk to me about this anytime. well done for controlling your anger,,,it is helping i think. it isalso helpful to talk to ppl.
takee care
self

[Wants2Fly]

Poor Justice. I hope that doesn't sound patronizing, because I mean it. Your life has been very hard, and I hope that you are soon able to get away from your very dysfunctional family and cut all ties with them.

Utah is a pretty big state. Is there any way you can get away from them by moving someplace closer than Calif but still away from them?

You are right that I haven't had the kinds of experiences that you have. I do not want to imagine them.

One thing I have learned in my life is that there is no way to measure anyone's pain.

I am by no means, Justice, attempting to minimize your pain. You have been through a lot, and you not only survived, but something in you wants to be whole, wants to get free of the anger and the defensiveness. I respect what you have done and are doing.

Perhaps part of the journey for you will be understanding that people's whose life experiences are completely different from yours feel emotional and soul pain, express it, and are equally deserving of having their pain acknowledged by others -- just because we are all humans in pain. At the level of pain, what caused the pain is less important than the deep feelings of grief, anger, unhappiness, sorrow, guilt, etc. that we cope with.

Even physicians do not have a good, objective way to measure physical pain. They ask, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how much does it hurt?" But my 3 may be your 7. Still my pain is just as real to me as yours is real for you. If we don't have the science to measure physican pain, there is no way that we can compare who hurts the most at the level of emotions and soul.

I can say, "Your life experiences are worse than mine. I never had to cope with that."

But look at Christina Onassis who was heir to a Greek shipping fortune and kept trying to commit suicide and finally OD'ed. What did she have to be so unhappy about? But her pain was so great, she gave up. And you are fighting. So what causes the pain doesn't measure the depths of the pain that the person feels.

Am I making sense? I'm not sure.

I am glad that you are here, Justice, you have found PC, Justice, and people who have similar experiences and can relate to you at a deep level. I hope I haven't written anything too dumb from your perspective.