Fear of commitment -- needing advice

Thanks for all of the support and words of wisdom. I really am considering moving out, although it is clear that if I do separate from living with him, there will be no relationship left. So, if I leave, I leave for good.

This weekend was incredibly frustrating for me. He had a CT scan on Friday that he was very vague about. I don't know a lot about them and he said it was handled, plus my schedule was absolutely jam packed on Friday so I just sort of let it go. When I came home from work Friday, he said he had a headache but that we would be working on building the loafing shed for my horses this weekend. I was in extreme protest, especially because he isn't supposed to be lifting heavy objects due to his neck/disc complications, but he assured me he had hired help to do the heavy lifting.

Come Saturday, his 'help' was a coworker and my fiancé did 1/2 of the work. I tried several times to gently remind him he wasn't supposed to be lifting or straining (they were setting 16' 4x4's and using an auger, so definitely physically taxing). I tried my best to help and lift, but he kept pushing me out of the way. I think partially because his coworker was there and he didn't want to look...I don't know --- weak?

So, we worked all day in nearly freezing temperatures and didn't even get close to be done so we headed back Sunday to finish. Fiance didn't say he was sore, but I insisted he take some pain relief since I know I sure as heck was sore and I didn't use the auger. We were on our way to set up the shed when he asked me to grab his discharge paperwork from the CT to see if he can take ibuprofen yet. Whaaaat? I look at the paper and he was supposed to limit his physical activity for at least 24 hours after the CT due to the spinal tap they used to insert the dye AND that he wasn't supposed to operate machinery. I was beyond furious. Then he tells me that he had his parents drive him home on Friday because they wouldn't release him to drive. OBVIOUSLY I should have done more homework on a CT. But, he should have been more honest!

His brother and another hired hand were there as I found this out, so I couldn't have that conversation immediately. We worked again ALL day. He was on ladders, he was cutting wood, he was laying steel paneling on the structure.

I was just so upset that he knowingly didn't tell me about his discharge information for the CT. He told me he knew that if he did, I wouldn't agree to him working on the loafing shed this weekend. You're dang right! I am just so upset, because he jeopardized his health even further over a stupid shed. And he's trying to pin it on me like I was the reason he did that and I should be happy he got the shed done.

We didn't even finish until well after dark last night and he works a solid 7 days this week so we won't see each other until next Monday. It just really bothers me. I'm sorry to unload here but I am shaking I am so upset with him. I knew if I talked to him last night before bed, I would unleash my anger on him so I said very little but I did let him know I was upset and disappointed and that if he was going to exclude me from what is happening with his health, then I didn't want to be involved. I told him he needed to find his own caregiver after his surgery and that I wouldn't participate in any additional projects.

He told me I can't be mad, he did this for me, and he didn't lie, he just didn't tell me the whole truth. What kind of ish is that?? Grrrr.

It sounds like you are looking for and waiting for something he does to be a good enough reason for you to pull out of the relationship. You want it to be something he does that is dangerous and irresponsible.

The very best reason to not be in a relationship is simply that you don't want to be. He doesn't have to be in the wrong for you to have a good enough reason to leave.

I think all this upset you are voicing about him not following doctor's orders is a bit of a red herring. It's beside the point.

I completely agree with Rose!

So there you have a prime example of his controlling nature, IMHO, anyway. Blaming you was totally wrong and him basically acting like a child was wrong, as well.

I'm wondering what he said back to you about him getting a caregiver? I think he thinks you will not follow through.

Perhaps he considers it unmasculine to accept help from a woman in front of the co-worker.

You're exactly right. And, even knowing this, I am still stuck in this limbo of uncertainty. I've said this very thing to my friend several times. I said "If he would do something AWFUL like cheat on me or get arrested, it would be an easy decision. But he isn't awful, he's just not right. And I don't know what to do."

He is not an awful person. He is not a mean person. He just isn't right for ME. And, I feel guilty for that. And, I also am insecure and second-guess and worry. And I wonder if I am being too judgey or if I am being too picky or if I am listening to all my girlfriends and my mom who say I should move on.

I am scared to commit because I'm not sure its right, but I am also afraid to be alone because I don't want to make a mistake.

And, quite honestly, today I cannot just up and leave. I am in the middle of a new job and finishing grad school and I just don't think I could mentally go through a breakup and find a new place to live and all that drama. And so I feel bad about that too.

I think I need to not get married in February. I think maybe I don't need to commit. As long as I am open with him and we keep seeing a counselor.

My aunt is moving to this area in the summer. So, I do have options in a few months. Until then, I guess I have to just be civil, put myself in to seeing if therapy works, and take things one day at a time. And NOT get married. That would be a bad decision and there is no reason why I HAVE to. And, if he isn't ok with that and doesn't understand, then I've got to do what I have to do and find a place to live sooner than anticipated.

I guess I just feel uncomfortable not knowing. Some people talk about how they just KNOW they found their partner. The only time I felt that, we dated for 5 years and he ended up stalking me and putting me in the hospital twice. So, I'm not really sure about my own intuition at this point. yknow?

It sounds like you are coming to more clarity about what you feel and what you need to do.

You want to be "the good one," the one who was "wronged." That represents a kind of self-righteous pride.

Moving in with someone already is a huge commitment, not all that much different from getting married. Sure, you can move out . . . just like a married person can always get a divorce. But legal paperwork is actually easier to get arranged than finding a new place to live. What would you do about the horses? You've already blended your life with his to a degree that makes it difficult to unentangle your two lives.

The only thing you haven't done is have children together. That would make disengaging even more difficult.

You're not old, but you're not a teenager. With each year that passes, replacing boyfriends gets less easy. There is the risk that, if you leave him, you might end up alone. Be honest with yourself that not all your reasons for staying put are altruistic. He may be a pain in the butt, but he offers some things.

You could stay where you are and just not go forward with the marriage. He might, then, be the one to decide to leave you. Could you stomach that?

I think if you don't want to be with him you shouldn't be. And if you feel doubts and unsure he is the one you shouldn't marry him. I think he then has a better chance of finding someone else even with his health condition.

Staying around helping him is ok but staying around because you have no place to go is a bit selfish. Unless you honestly tell him that's why you stay around.

I think if you don't know he is the one, then he isn't.


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I don't think there is any Law of the Universe that says that each and every one of us has a special soulmate out there that we are destined to find. I, myself, am not all that compatible with other humans in general. My boyfriend and I have probably been together these many years largely because no one else would want either one of us.

Falling madly in love is only one reason to get married. Not wanting to be alone is as good a reason as any. I think getting married is saying to someone, "I'm not here just until something better comes along." Apparently, not all operate on that principle. People look at spouses, nowadays, like they do at cars and houses. People have "starter" spouses . . . to be traded in when it's time to trade up. "This may not be the guy/gal of my dreams, but why should I be alone, while I'm hoping for that really special person. Maybe that person will never show up. I deserve some happiness, in the meantime." I don't fault anyone for settling, but I don't respect forming an alliance, with the idea that, "I may be moving on, depending on what options I get." I know people who will never firmly accept an invitation, if they can avoid it. A better offer might come along, and they want to be free to go where appeals to them most. These are the relatives who say, "I might stop by Christnas Eve." and they might, or not. Depends on what is going on elsewhere. Sooner, or later, I think these people outsmart themselves. No one cherishes their friendship because their interest in others is tentative.

The trend these days is to try to have it both ways. Unmarried couples go so far as buying houses together. One foot solidly in, but maybe a toe poised toward an exit door. I've been in that crowd myself. I'm with a guy for decades, but no marriage. We've entwined our lives, so that I feel really obligated to him, even though I no longer live with him. I wouldn't recommend my approach to anyone, but I understand that there can seem to be so many angles to consider that it seems like the best option is to not commit more than you absolutely have to.

I don't know if my discussion here helps at all. I guess I'm just trying to acknowledge what I believe causes people to feeled pulled in different directions at the same time. It's crazy making, and it's not all our fault. Social expectations that used to discipline us just aren't there anymore. Each of us is on our own to figure it out from scratch because social conventions that took millennia to evolve have collapsed. Society doesn't care what you do. We are very free to come up with whatever arrangement our brains can cook up.

Mainly, I think we have to strive to maintain our integrity as best we can. To me that means that I don't want to leave someone I get involved with worse off than if they had never met me.

I agree with you Rose to some extent. I agree about integrity.

But then again life is too short to be miserable. There are more reasons to marry than being madly in love but if one is so miserable that she only stays because he is sick then is this good enough reason to marry?

I still feel guilty I left my alcoholic BF of 9 years and I know he drinks worse now plus other health issue. Did I have to stick around becoming a total mess losing my mind? I do a lot of things out of guilt. Yet who can demand I devote my life to alcoholic.

As about op, it might feel she must stick around as he is sick but by doing that she might deprive him from meeting a woman who would not have doubts. No need to be a martyr here. There are women who have no trouble marrying a man with health issues.

I am engaged and if in the horrible scenario something happened to my fiancée I would certainly not abandon him. I made a commitment ( even if not formal) but I also have no doubts about him whosoever and am not miserable. Op has been quite unhappy with this man for a long time and she has been posting for awhile about it. This is not a new development.

I agree about commitment but they aren't married yet and she is not happy already. Regardless of his health condition. This is only going to get worse unless of course couples therapy Will be helpful

I probably make no sense. I just know I lived my life doing things out of guilt and obligations. There is more to life than that

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divine, I think we may be closer than you think. After 7 years of living together, I moved out of the apt I shared with my boyfriend, due to his drinking. A year later he had a stroke. I was so grateful to me for having left when I did. He was of sound body when I walked out the door.

What I suggested above, nearer the beginning of the thread, is that, if you dread ending up as nurse to a mobility-impaired man, then consider leaving now, while he is still out working on building things. This way you limit the chance of getting trapped by guilt later. Plus, you do give him the option of finding someone else.

I'm not saying stay because of guilt. I'm saying imagine the guilt you experience when you walk away on someone who literally can't walk.

I agree Rose. I was just participating in a discussion . I don't have the answer either. Life is so complicated

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Thanks for all the input. I am definitely --- confused. And hoping there is some sudden answer that becomes clear soon.

We went to his surgeon yesterday and his recovery will be at least 2 months of constant dependency. I just flat out cannot do that! But he indicated he expects me to. I told him that I have a career and my own commitments already in place and I can't be that caregiver. He was upset.

I am absolutely horrified by the prospect of his medical problems. Especially because his job is his entire identity and if this surgery goes haywire, he will lose his entire self. And then what do I do? I can barely keep my own life together, let alone be the positive one to support him and try to help him through it.

I have honestly thought multiple times this last 24 hours how little I want to be here. I went to sleep wishing I didn't wake up because it is absolutely overwhelming. I just started a new semester of grad school, my work is nuts and swamped, and now I am faced with the prospect of taking care of a grown man for months and potentially having him lose his identity which I know will crush him. I just don't know if I can do this.

But I can't afford to just move out. I sold everything when I moved in with him. My appliances, my bed. I would be starting from scratch. And I can't do that.

I feel so trapped. And all my therapist tells me is to stay strong, be positive, it will work out. I'm so tired of waiting for life to work out for me. I put myself on hold to help others that I don't know if I'll ever be able to focus on MY life and MY dreams and MY hopes.

Sorry. I just--- I am so near my breaking point and instead of being able to take solace at least in my home, I am horrified to go there. Because I will have to face the reality I have a partner that cannot be a support for me, and I in turn must be his.

I should clarify I am in no way in danger of being a harm to myself! My last post was a little melodramatic, but I have no intents or thoughts of anything like that. It just feels so overwhelming, crawling in to a dark hole somewhere SEEMS like a fine alternative.

What do you expect your therapist to say? Your therapist knows your situation better than I do, but even I can say the following: It will work out. One way or another, it will, indeed, work out. When you rule out all the things that, to your mind, are impossible for you to do - like you moving out - then what you are left with is what you will do. And that's the course of action that will get you from now to six months from now. Then, at that time, you will still have options. You may not like the options, but you will study them and select what seems least unacceptable to you. That's how life goes.

If your range of options seem unacceptably narrow to you, you are the one who narrowed them - by your past choices and by your own code of what is acceptable to your conscience. Even if you had moved in with a man in perfect health, there would have been a chance of that man being paralyzed in a car wreck tomorrow. That can happen to anyone on any tomorrow. (It coud happen to you next week.) You're intelligent enough to have known this, and you did know it. So it's a bit disingenuous to protest, now, that you never signed on for what you are facing. You hooked your cart to his star when you sold your home furnishings and moved in to his house. No, you didn't, at that time, marry him. So what? You might as well have, in terms of how entangled your life is, now, with his. So this pondering of to marry, verses not to marry, is kind of neither here nor there. You already feel stuck, living with him just as you are. But you already made the decision to be thus entangled back when you moved in. You already decided that the benefits merited the risk. If that now seems to have been a decision you regret, then regret it. But know that neither fate, nor society, nor this man forced you into where you are. You are where you put yourself. You moved in with him because you thought it would be good for you. If it, now, seems you miscalculated . . . well, join the club. That's what humans do. That's why things like divorce were invented.

So, if you've decided that leaving, now, is impossible . . . then that means you stay. You stay and deal. You still have the option of leaving down the road. You still have the option of canceling the wedding. Entertaining those options is your right, and it doesn't matter how you will look . . . to others, or to yourself. It's okay to decide you bit off more than you could chew. It's empowering to know that you bit it off, and you can spit it out. Doing so may force you to see yourself in a new light that doesn't feel flattering. That won't kill you. We are who we are. We need what we need, and we can only do what we are reasonably able to do. Staying with this man for another six months doesn't mean you have to stay there for the next twenty years. Leave now, or leave next year . . . or don't leave at all. You have options, and you are entitled to look at all of them. You have a right to unmake the decision to be in his house. If you feel that cohabiting was meant to leave you the option of leaving, then tell him that . . . that you expect to eventually leave.

Practically speaking, the two of you are people of some means. You are not an uneducated, unemployed mother, living with an abusive man and having no where to go but a shelter. You are employed. If you really want to leave, now, having sold your own furnishings is not the end of the world. There are furnished rooms that one can rent. If you stay, you don't have to do all his care 24/7. Help can be hired. Maybe he will need to take a loan or a second mortgage to pay an attendent to provide some care. Start looking around. Under the table, immigrant help can be a lot more reasonable than going through a home care agency, which is terribly expensive. Some of this is his problem to figure out. He and you need to not waste time, if surgery is imminent.

Why can't you start from scratch? I started from scratch moving out with nothing. You don't need appliances for renting, you can buy furniture in ikea or get credit at art van of similar chain. How do other single people live? I was single most of my life and started from scratch several times alone and with a child. I could never understand women who say they can't make it alone. Unless you don't work of course.

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Great points here, especially the past two posts. He can get a nurses aid to come help him. You need to focus on getting through grad school.

Not sure why starting from scratch is appalling, I'm not even sure why he didn't allow you to move in your own stuff or compromise. I'm not liking him already because of that.

Neighbors, coworkers, your friends parents probably have spare starter dishes and random furniture. Plus tis the season to buy new...which means word of mouth, take hand me downs.

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