Married?

So im getting married come sept. 2016. anyone married in here and any advice to give ??

Lol....after a 33 year bad marriage....I justified the red flags I saw rather than really seriously dealing with them....just make sure if you have issues to resolve them BEFORE the wedding as they continue to haunt otherwise.

Back in those days Asperger's wasn't even known about so I had no idea what I was getting involved with, just knew something wasn't right but got talked out of listening to my gut feeling then I talked myself out of what I realized.

Realized love doesn't grow where there is no respect.

Being willing & able to do whatever is necessary for a marriage to be successful....it's not his or her job....it's equal working together.

Financial issues & debt are the #1 destroyer of a marriage other than infidelity....if you work together toward goals rather than trying to buy things on credit because you (either H or W) have to have them NOW, there will be less problems to deal with.

Also NEVER hide anything from each other & don't do anything you would feel the need to hide. Open & honest communication is critical for a successful marriage.....along with being emotionally connected not just by sex...important to have an intimate connection on all levels.

All things I couldn't put a name to but were just a feeling they were missing because I grew up with parents who were the same as my H & I kept promising myself I didn't want a marriage like theirs...I just didn't know what it was about their marriage I saw was the problem. Not until I got away from it all & around normal relationships to observe was I able to put the words to what I had been experiencing.

There is NOTHING wrong with disagreeing or having different opinions...it's how it's handled that is critical to the success or failure of a marriage....so much for the words of wisdom from someone who learned from my mistakes & not in a hurry to get remarried unless really the RIGHT, truly compatible person comes along if ever...I have never been happier though it would be nice to have someone to share life with

deew12... I wish you all the best.. .I am getting divorced this month will be final by Feb. 1st. Sometimes love is not enough, sometimes life just happens. Make sure you both love each other and will grow together, not grow apart or seperate of each other. That is my hope for you. I don't give advice. tc

I have heard it said, I am marrying you, not your parents. The reality is that in a very real sense, you are marrying your spouse AND your inlaws. Your spouses family will want to have a say in everything. If you do not love your inlaws before the wedding, it will only get worse.

First of all ... CONGRATULATIONS!

Second, I've been married for 15 years. For me, the key has been that it's about the marriage, not the wedding. The wedding was one day. Since then I've always tried to impress my wife like today was another date. She's my top priority and you should make your spouse your top priority as well. Yes, things will calm down and you'll get into a pattern, paying bills, choosing towels, but that doesn't mean you can't still compliment your spouse daily, surprise them once in a while and always work on strengthening your relationship.

I've been married almost 25 years. For me the key to a good marriage is communication and being there for each other through the good and bad stuff.
Congratulations.

Congratulations!! It is a very special time for you...enjoy the moment! First, I would write down the reasons you are marrying that person and examine if they are the right reasons. My first marriage was a 17 year nightmare because I married for all of the wrong reasons. Marriage number 2 is wonderful because I was careful to look for the right characteristics. I think a BIGGIE is that the person is kind and patient. Not super religious now, but 1 Corinthians gets it right in my opinion.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Thank You for the information!!

Honestly , we have had our differences but i just go right back , i feel she looks at her opinion as the only one to matter but when i don't offer an opinion i don't care or i don't look at my responsibilities seriously, its not that its when i do say something its either stupid or she brushes it off. we have days where we are just fine when i say minimal and just agree with any and everything she says

but i look at my future and think , is that how i want to live, in a relationship where nothing i say matters or im told to just be quiet. i want to call her controlling so bad but i know that wont go well.

but its true , i cant eat things i did before we started dating because she doesn't like it , i cant have friends now because she doesnt trust them, i currently take the bus everywhere while she drives, and when i say i would like to get a car (because i make the most money ) she says no because its an extra bill and her car , the brand new one she just got, isnt paid off, like seriously i work hard and get paid good money why cant i have a car?

then with money, i do not have access to my own money , i have to ask her for money or wait until she gets it. if we go into a store and i want something i have to ask her if i can have it half the time its no! but she goes and gets anything she wants when she wants it . my entire check goes straight to her pockets . ive wanted to leave so many times but i have no clue why i cant just walk out the door, when i express how i feel , its always she does it because of me and how i act, she tells me im not allowed to catch an attitude but how can i not be upset being treated like a child all day everyday . like she does good some days then its like a light switch and she will flip completely out. for nothing or no reason. i cooked dinner 2 nights ago and she felt my piece of fish was bigger than hers and when i went to switch them she told me forget it and she didnt want to eat it and to get out her face.

i dont know what to do

Sorry if this seems mean but I can't congratulate you after reading that.

My advice? RUN!

This woman doesn't LOVE you! This woman doesn't love YOU! (I hope the emphasis/meaning came across in both of those statements. Love is none of those things. Love isn't about control.

If you don't get out now, you'll look back in 5, 10, 15 years and wonder why you didn't leave.

Please believe me when I say that controlling people do NOT change.

Sorry to be blunt but she's taking advantage of you. You make more money but she gets the car and Won't let you buy one? WTF?!? You're an adult! She shouldn't have this power over you.

Here's my advice FWIW.

Break up with her. Like now.

Stay single for awhile. Become a strong, independent person who feels free to express himself.

And this may be surprising, but you are being abused. She's financially abusing you. Also, isolation from friends/family is a hallmark of abusive people.

I think you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you as you are, warts and all. Think about it this way....she controls everything about you, right? She won't let you have your own opinions, make your own decisions, etc. I hate to say it but where is the part where she loves you for you? It's not there. She's a controlling person who is afraid to be alone. You are the chosen one because she knows she can control you.

I urge you to get out. There are people out there who will love you for who you are and won't want to mute you, isolate you, control you, and take all your money.

I was going to congratulate you until I read this. This sounds awful! I agree with Chipper Monkey and I agree you should rethink this marriage.

I was going to congratulate you as well, but after I read you reply... Man!

Me and my guy, we met 3 years ago. After 2 years of knowing eachother we got married last year. Things felt right. We did have disagreements, but nothing compared to what you are writing. We would disagree about politics, some small household stuff and we had to adjust our eating habits. Decision making is somewhat balanced. I like deciding on things, but I can never plan a vacation as well as he does for example.

What you are writing sounds bad on several levels:
1. She does not respect you and your opinions
2. She doesn't want to listen and doesn't try to understand your point of view
3. She is controlling the money YOU have earned
4. She doesn't want you to have friends
+ Probably more things worth pointing out...

If you love her and do want to marry her - do couples therapy ASAP, don't wait until you are married.

If you don't love her and do not want to marry her... It's clear what you have to do

I was going to reply RUN!!! jokingly, but after reading what you wrote last, I totally agree with the two replies after: RUN!!! (<- not a joke, seriously!)

This sounds pretty awful. You are better off. No way you should marry her! Sounds awful. Please take care of yourself

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I was going to congratulate you too as we share getting married in 2016. I am getting married in May.

I can't justify a congrats until you get out of this control freaks claws. Then I will congratulate you on taking care of YOU!

Too many red flags and truly a view into the rest of your life.

My fiance makes all the money. I am on disability. He is free to spend his money as he sees as long as our bills are paid and I can grocery shop.

Yes large purchases are discussed, like he just recently bought a new to him truck, weighing the pros and cons. In this case the purchase was for our safety.

We both have access to our bank accounts. It is our money. Flair ups occur but we solve them. No ONE person has all the say.

She has issues that need to be dealt with before she will ever be able to sustain a long term relationship. As do you. Do you want this to be your only marriage or are you ok with divorce?

Seriously get counselling together and separate then decide if marrying in right. Weddings can be postponed or at worse cancelled. Ruining your self esteem and possibly your life well thats (lost train of thought sorry). Oh not to mention if you do go through with things as they are and you have a kid. Yikes!

Take care of yourself. You are likely young with your whole life ahead of you.

Wow....I'm glad I offered my list of things to think about..sounds like it opened the door for you to truly open up about the relationship.

If its this bad before marriage it will only get worse after & after marriage it's a lot harder to get out of & divorces are NOT CHEAP just with filing fees & stuff....save your money...drop her now & don't look back if she whines or makes promises to change....this type of personality doesn't change & would require years of proof before I would ever even consider (which would never happen in the first place.)

With someone like that you will loose your identity even more than you are already starting to.

Now my H was incapable of taking care of anything & I tried to force responsibility on him which he failed miserably at & I continually was cleaning up the messes he made....BUT YOU DON'T sound like that kind of person nor does it sound like she's willing to give you any responsibility or work closely together with you which is how it should work.

MARRIAGE IS A TEAM that works together. It's obvious that's not what she wants or knows how to do.

If I were you I would decide how I wanted the marriage to work & lay it on the line....however I would be careful if she does agree. Before the wedding & after the red flags I saw, I did just that & he agreed & offered nothing to negotiate....come to find out 33 years later he thought I would change my mind....he was incapable of truly communicating so he would agree not even understanding fully what he was agreeing to. We had NOTHING BUT 33 years of fighting & I HID in my career to avoid having to be around him. We buth had equal paying computer engineering careers so it was only for financial reasons I stayed along with not wanting to be a single parent & hold down a time demanding career....but it was like living in hell.

I would only lay out what you expect in a marriage as your reason for leaving....maybe she can learn some year down the road but not on you....IMO & from personal experience I would walk out now & never look back & wonder.

I'm sorry to say that I agree with the posters that have advised you to either get couples therapy or end the relationship. If you're satisfied with the way things are at this time, then go for it, but you don't sound happy with the current arrangement. If she's not willing to negotiate or budge, then that should be a significant warning sign for you (and her). Once you're married, all you have will be 50% hers, making things very complicated should you decide to divorce in the future.
I wish someone would have stepped in and given this to me before I married. Now, 15 years later, we both realize that we really had very little in common and she (and I) have not been able to negotiate solutions to our differences. We did go to couples therapy on two occasions (several sessions each time) and while it initially smoothed things over for a while, it couldn't repair some fundamental issues in the relationship that were there from the beginning. Best wishes for making a decision you are at peace with.

I am roughly your age and am already divorced. My advice would be to NOT get married. I thought I married the man of my dreams but I was wrong. I also like to eat, then get upset about it too. I wish you the best of luck

I'm not married now but was before and am a widow now.

Realize that not only you have feelings but so does he.

Try to sit down and talk about your feelings and his feelings regarding your communication.

Try not to harbor grudges about small things but forgive and forget small mistakes.

Get help from a marriage counselor if you start having big problems.

That's about all I can think of at the moment. Congratulations and all the best to you!

Did you read the follow up posts?

Quite honestly, that sounds like quite a manipulative situation. I have been married and divorced already. Going in to that marriage, there were red flags but we'd already booked everything and my family LOVED my partner and I felt guilty and made excuses and we took the plunge. I thought it would get better. But, only two years after being married I had a complete and utter meltdown and we separated. Don't let this be you.

Honesty and communication is key to any happy relationship. I am engaged again myself and we are struggling, quite honestly. And I called the wedding off. So, now there is just this looming future but can I tell ya -- I feel BETTER. Having called the wedding date off and just take things a day at a time has helped my situation. However, my partner is not nearly as manipulative or controlling. In fact, he demands we keep everything separate and we only see one another 2-3 times a week as it is.

Sooo, my advice for you is --- seek counseling. If she won't agree to it, then get some just for yourself. You need a sounding board and someone to let you vent and express yourself and provide you some real insight. Quite honestly, I can't imagine being in a relationship where someone ran over me like that. I realize that separating can be scary. Its starting over. A new identity. You have to refigure bills and income and living situations (if you're living together). But DO it! The months after my divorce were liberating. I was able to EAT what I wanted, DO what I wanted, and BE who I wanted. Don't do it to find someone BETTER, just do it for a better YOU!

Best of luck. Please think about it. And don't EVER let fear or guilt of calling off a wedding hold you back from being honest and true to yourself because living in that agony is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. It is truly miserable.

Deew12,

Think really hard on this. Is this someone you can see yourself living the rest of your life with happily? I would say for me, no! I wish, wish, WISH my friends had told me "Get out, now!" before my ex and I got married. Now, because I stuck with a futile effort, I deal with depression and anxiety. I have a hell of a time trusting the guys I date, no matter how genuine they are. When I left my ex, one of my best friends (without missing a beat) said "It's about damn time. He treated you like crap!"

Tell her you want to hold off on getting married. It's easier to just simply "break up" than it is to get divorced. One involves a lawyer, the other is just boxes, and that new car you deserve. See how she reacts. She sounds to me like a bit of a Narcissist, maybe something else, which at this point, you should mosey over to these forums:

Partners of People with Personality Disorders - Forums at Psych Central

Do not let this person damage you. Your friends care. She apparently does not. YOUR FRIENDS CARE! Take control of your situation. From reading your other posts, this could LITERALLY kill you. This is your health we are talking about. Believe it or not, Psychological health has a huge impact of your physical health.

Constant nightmares means less sleep. Less sleep means you do not have the mental capacity to deal with stressful situations. Diminished mental capacity can get dangerous. Please think of yourself. Does she make YOU happy, and can you see yourself living with her for the rest of your life?

Sorry for being blunt, but I really wish someone would have been as blunt with me.

I definitely agree with both ChipperMonkey and TishaBuy.

I think you should leave her as soon as possible. She doesn't sound ok. In fact, she sounds controlling and mean.