[ducky2030]

So i was approved for (military)disability and received backpay. my mom is angry that i didn't give her a substantial amount of MY money. She wanted MORE than what i gave!!! My mother has always been poor her entire life so i guess she was looking to use me to cash in. she even said that i didn't earn this money so why am i being this way. ( that hurt )Shes trying to make me feel bad about this but i don't feel like i owe her any of the money that i have. Its not my fault that my mom is poor and struggling and not my responsibility to fix it. BUT i do help out as needed and I always have. I think she is also controlling and is angry that she can't control the situation and make me give her more money. does anyone have any advice or opinions, relate?

[JustJenny]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. What she is doing is definitely not right. It is hard to deal with such a person who is convinced that other people are owing them something. Unfortunately, this is pretty common. Your post reminded me of this one:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...bed-words.html

And there were much more threads about mother problems over the last couple of weeks.

You were approved for disability and that indicates that you have or have had some health issues. Why isn't she supportive of you? And why isn't she happy that you got approved? (Great news btw!)

You should not blame yourself for these problems you are having in this relationship. Does she have enough money to pay the bills and buy the necessities? If she is starving then you should indeed help her more, but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

Me and my mother we too have a strange relationship. It has nothing to do with money but she tends to be too involved in my life. We were having frequent fights and that would always bring me down. My solution (at least for now) was to limit the phone calls with her down to 1-2 a week and keep it short. I still feel bad about the quality of our relationship, but at least we are not fighting. That's my suggestion - distance yourself a little and don't talk to her too much.

[marmaduke]

You don't owe her any more money. It's yours.

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[2B/-2B]

artsygirl88.
What you said sounds okay. Stick to your okayness.

[eskielover]

Military disability....you earned it yourself by putting your OWN life on the line. Your mother isn't entitled to any more than you are you feel like sharing with her.

My parents didn't have the money we had so we always included them in our vacations. Helped when needed then things changed & mom ended up helping us out. You don't owe your mom anything. From my experience many times poor is because they aren't financially responsible & squander the money they do get rather than use it wisely. I married A guy like that. I left..I budget everything now that I am free from him....but I needed him to be financially responsible when my depression got bad....he had no idea how....most irritating time of my life

[ducky2030]

Thanks for your input Yes she has enough money for food and I'm pretty sure she can pay all of her bills. I gave her enough money to pay off all her recently acquired debts!! My mom does not have much knowledge on mental health issues I don't think she really understands me. Ive always considered us to have a close relationship but I'm really just starting to realize how overbearing she has been my ENTIRE life. I realize I haven't been able to truly express my opinion with her when there are disagreements. She puts her foot down and shuts me down always. she wants to know what all my mail is. Everyday she would ask me what time i go to work and yell at me to hurry up. And tell me most people would be glad to have their parents help them be on time blah blah blah. Im very independent so this bothers me. One time she was getting rid of her bed and decided to give it to me and went in my room when i was at work to put the bed in there and clean up! i was so mad!! Im currently living with her but ill be moving by the end of this month

Originally Posted by JustJenny

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. What she is doing is definitely not right. It is hard to deal with such a person who is convinced that other people are owing them something. Unfortunately, this is pretty common. Your post reminded me of this one:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...bed-words.html

And there were much more threads about mother problems over the last couple of weeks.

You were approved for disability and that indicates that you have or have had some health issues. Why isn't she supportive of you? And why isn't she happy that you got approved? (Great news btw!)

You should not blame yourself for these problems you are having in this relationship. Does she have enough money to pay the bills and buy the necessities? If she is starving then you should indeed help her more, but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

Me and my mother we too have a strange relationship. It has nothing to do with money but she tends to be too involved in my life. We were having frequent fights and that would always bring me down. My solution (at least for now) was to limit the phone calls with her down to 1-2 a week and keep it short. I still feel bad about the quality of our relationship, but at least we are not fighting. That's my suggestion - distance yourself a little and don't talk to her too much.

[JustJenny]

Checking on your mail and rearranging your room - looks like she is not respecting your privacy on top of everything else. Moving out is a good decision.

[eskielover]

I agree..only so long until there will be a blow up. I was always independent & never did well living with my mother & she never did the things your mother has done. I commend you on your patience....but wouldn't want to keep pushing it. Wise move moving out.

Lol every time I tried to get a divorce (bad marriage) he kept saying 2 can live cheaper than 1....however living sanely doesn't have a price on it & when I left..it was the best thing I ever did in my life...don't buy into that logic if your mom tries it with you.

[ducky2030]

Thanks! I didn't have many options so thats how i ended up back at home with my mom but now that i have disability i will never stay in this house more than maybe 4 or 5 days for the holidays. 2 can live cheaper than sounds exactly like something my mom would say! Lol

Originally Posted by eskielover

I agree..only so long until there will be a blow up. I was always independent & never did well living with my mother & she never did the things your mother has done. I commend you on your patience....but wouldn't want to keep pushing it. Wise move moving out.

Lol every time I tried to get a divorce (bad marriage) he kept saying 2 can live cheaper than 1....however living sanely doesn't have a price on it & when I left..it was the best thing I ever did in my life...don't buy into that logic if your mom tries it with you.

[TerriLynn]

I think that if you had been living with her and she had been supporting you while you waited for disability you should give her some agreed upon amount. Did you discuss this when you moved in with her? Like rent would be 200 per mth plus a certain amount for food and utilities? Was she giving you gas or spending money?

If she was not supporting you as an adult, then no, you don't "owe" her anything, if she was, then I personally think that reimbursing her a fair amount is warranted, but it sounds like you already did so, so it sounds like she is just being a bit self centered.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. What she is doing is definitely not right. It is hard to deal with such a person who is convinced that other people are owing them something. Unfortunately, this is pretty common. Your post reminded me of this one:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...bed-words.html

And there were much more threads about mother problems over the last couple of weeks.

You were approved for disability and that indicates that you have or have had some health issues. Why isn't she supportive of you? And why isn't she happy that you got approved? (Great news btw!)

You should not blame yourself for these problems you are having in this relationship. Does she have enough money to pay the bills and buy the necessities? If she is starving then you should indeed help her more, but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

Me and my mother we too have a strange relationship. It has nothing to do with money but she tends to be too involved in my life. We were having frequent fights and that would always bring me down. My solution (at least for now) was to limit the phone calls with her down to 1-2 a week and keep it short. I still feel bad about the quality of our relationship, but at least we are not fighting. That's my suggestion - distance yourself a little and don't talk to her too much.

Thanks, Stabbed With Words is my post. I'd suggest you only give your mother if you want to and only what you feel comfortable with.

With me, I feel financially able to help her and I told her I am only committing to do it for a year and then we'll see how it goes. My mother is 80 and I guess I am keeping her more comfortable than forcing her to deal with the harsh reality of having outlived her money. Your situation sounds like your mother is just guilting you into sharing the wealth. Many lottery winners have gone broke because their family and friends coerced them into doing the same.

[annabellacat]

Originally Posted by artsygirl88

So i was approved for (military)disability and received backpay. my mom is angry that i didn't give her a substantial amount of MY money. She wanted MORE than what i gave!!! My mother has always been poor her entire life so i guess she was looking to use me to cash in. she even said that i didn't earn this money so why am i being this way. ( that hurt )Shes trying to make me feel bad about this but i don't feel like i owe her any of the money that i have. Its not my fault that my mom is poor and struggling and not my responsibility to fix it. BUT i do help out as needed and I always have. I think she is also controlling and is angry that she can't control the situation and make me give her more money. does anyone have any advice or opinions, relate?

That's gross behavior on her part. It sucks she is being like that. i don't know really what to say. I'd try to be logical to her and explain yourself but with people like that,it can be hard.

[ducky2030]

i was working a low paying job and paying her a small amount of rent. She never gave me money for anything because she doesn't have it. But I told her i would help pay for ANYTHING she needs...bills, clothes whatever! but she is not satisfied because she didn't get a big enough cut of the money

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I think that if you had been living with her and she had been supporting you while you waited for disability you should give her some agreed upon amount. Did you discuss this when you moved in with her? Like rent would be 200 per mth plus a certain amount for food and utilities? Was she giving you gas or spending money?

If she was not supporting you as an adult, then no, you don't "owe" her anything, if she was, then I personally think that reimbursing her a fair amount is warranted, but it sounds like you already did so, so it sounds like she is just being a bit self centered.

[ducky2030]

She is definitely trying to guilt me and then the other day i was trying to tell her about job openings and she's like "don't worry about me!". The next day the topic comes up again and i try to explain how i feel about it and she shuts me down closes my door and goes to her room! She ALWAYS cuts me off and walks away. It makes me soooo mad!!! They just cut her hours down at work so I'm thinking of helping her but at the same time I'm so pissed and I just can't wait to get hell out her house!!

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Thanks, Stabbed With Words is my post. I'd suggest you only give your mother if you want to and only what you feel comfortable with.

With me, I feel financially able to help her and I told her I am only committing to do it for a year and then we'll see how it goes. My mother is 80 and I guess I am keeping her more comfortable than forcing her to deal with the harsh reality of having outlived her money. Your situation sounds like your mother is just guilting you into sharing the wealth. Many lottery winners have gone broke because their family and friends coerced them into doing the same.

[JustJenny]

What... She's not working because she doesn't want to work? You should close the door in front of her.

[ducky2030]

Lol no she does work 4-5 days a week about 6 or 7 hours but her job does not pay much but she has over 20 years experience so she could get another job and get paid much more but she says God told her not to quit...like 10-15 years ago ( thats a whole different story lol) but i think she could manage a second "sit down" job for some extra hours. I know she's tired but she's only in her early fifties so she has many more years of working.

Originally Posted by JustJenny

What... She's not working because she doesn't want to work? You should close the door in front of her.

[TishaBuv]

It took me until very recently (I am 50) to learn my mother is a liar and a user. You are learning much sooner. You'll figure out an amount that's enough to get her off your back and retain your relationship (if you want to) and that's little enough to benefit you without eternal resentment that you gave your money away due to a shake down by your mother.

[TishaBuv]

Good for you. You got this.