[Barreja]

I have been married 11 great years. Thought I had one of those rare, truly happy marriages. I am bipolar and he suffers from depression very occationally (so he truly knows mental illness). I caught him on websites looking for a "HookUps". He made a profile with a picture and everything, actually more than a few profiles.

I know I caught him early and he was not yet talking to anyone ( I checked every site) but I was completely floored.

He is a great man in my eyes and we do love each other, but I feel like I'm in a different marriage, the trust has been broken.

I have been pretty stable on my meds and handled it pretty well considering.

I hear that this will not be the last time. Any ideas

[JustJenny]

Did you talk to him? Did he have an excuse for doing that?

I would say talk to him, and see why he is looking for "hook ups", and if he isn't happy in the marriage ... etc. But how did you know he has a profile unless you checked the same websites? He might use that against you to even out. Be careful how to open the topic. I suggest to make sure of his intentions first, and have some proof before bringing this up.

[Trippin2.0]

How do you know he is a sex addict? And did he just become one after 11 great years of marriage?


I'm sorry, I don't really know how to respond without having a clearer picture.....

[divine1966]

Not every cheater is a sex addict. If a man was on a hook up site it would be a total deal breaker the minute I found out. But I am with nickname on this. How did you find out unless you use the same site?

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[Barreja]

I found out because he used his email and he didn't hide it. I already confronted him at I love miles.com. His prime was all filled our, kina hard to dent. I hit him the chest a couple times yes I was furious. I went through all the stages, complete shock, coming to terms that the marriage that I thought i had was gone forever..

It's hard to trust him again. He asked why I was snooping on his phone and I informed him that he had had my complete trust and that he took that for granted. He didn't dare argue with me. He knew he was wrong, had to admit it. Said "I was just fool in around", you don't understand". Darn right idont and I'm not stupid. So he is trying to give him time to give a reason like the truth which is he wanted sex.

I've done some research and it does tale a long time to go from signing on a site to actuay chat in to hooking up

I thin I was wondering if anyone have experience of if they actually stop? I'm just scared this will happen 6 months from now.

[mf1438]

Originally Posted by Barreja

I have been married 11 great years. Thought I had one of those rare, truly happy marriages. I am bipolar and he suffers from depression very occationally (so he truly knows mental illness). I caught him on websites looking for a "HookUps". He made a profile with a picture and everything, actually more than a few profiles.

I know I caught him early and he was not yet talking to anyone ( I checked every site) but I was completely floored.

He is a great man in my eyes and we do love each other, but I feel like I'm in a different marriage, the trust has been broken.

I have been pretty stable on my meds and handled it pretty well considering.

I hear that this will not be the last time. Any ideas

==
I'm a sex addict. I decided to go to counseling and it's helping. You should study the sexual addiction cycle to see what triggered the episode. If you can work on the triggers you can help him into recovery, but like every other addiction, he has to be willing to accept help.

His sexual addiction does not diminish his greatness as a man.

[ladytiger]

Yes, I have. I came across an ad on a sex site that my ex posted saying he is looking for a discreet relationship didn't mention anything about me but him posed as if he was single! I confronted him about that (he has sexted women on hangouts) saying he put that ad up so he can find a woman for me etc. I looked at him saying with the word discreet in the ad? Do I look stupid? No woman isn't gonna believe that not after she sees the word discreet that comes across as cheating and he said I am not cheating never have (oh really?).

I found out from his mom a couple months ago when I told her how I broke up with him and that **** she said he was always going on those sex sites/phone sex chat lines (before I knew him) and he ran up his parents' bill back then! He told me it was his dad on those sites I am like oh great I was with a sex addict for 10 yrs?!? I told him plenty of times if he was so unhappy with our relationship, especially the sex part, why didn't we talk about it? If so, why didn't he say he wanted to end the relationship back then for whatever the legitimate reasons were?

Dump him.

[~Christina]

His actions caused you to physically hit him... He has broken your trust .

I personally would never be able to trust him again.. maybe he will agree to counseling ?? Regardless please find yourself a Therapist to help you process all this.

[Trippin2.0]

I still don't see "sex addict" anywhere... Is someone applying this label to excuse his desire to cheat?

You said your marriage has been good most of the time. So, I think there is no need to amplify the issue if he didn't actually talk to anyone. Instead of thinking of breaking the trust with him, ask him why he was fooling around? Does he think your marriage could be better. Work on that. Mistakes don't just happen from nowhere, usually. This is my opinion.

[divine1966]

PC is the only place where cheaters are labeled "sex addicts", jerks are labeled " avoidant personalities", angry and mean are "bipolar" etc what's with diagnosing? Sometimes a .... holes are just a ...... holes.

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[healingme4me]

Divine, I think theres one label completely missed in that post but I won't go there...

I think for the OP to understand why the focus on the label and not the behavior, is to realize that attaching labels to a person can hinder the process of recovering from how another person's actions caused great distress.

I don't personally know how to rebuild trust, as to me, that would be one very serious line that was crossed. Placing ads for discreet hookups goes way too far, regardless of whether or not the man has an addiction, and regardless of whether or not with or without permission this email or set of emails was discovered that doesn't take away the severity of what he requested.

Both husband and wife have now before them a marriage in severe turmoil and both now need to decide whether to continue or call it quits. Without a committment to years of counseling both individual and together and additional group support, it's not looking very good.

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[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Just because he cheats doesn't mean he is a sex addict. Perhaps he is feeling there is something "missing" in your relationship that was once there but he doesn't see/feel anymore? If that's the case, you can possibly work through it with relationship counseling. You both need to be willing to talk openly though about what you are feeling and why. Nothing can be done unless you are willing to do that. As far as repeat cheating - he was completely faithful eleven years, that's why I think it's something he feels changed in your relationship. If you can find a way to repair whatever changed and rebuild the trust, I don't think you will have to worry about repeats. One thing I will caution you on though. If you do decide to remain in the relationship and try to make it work - don't be overly suspicious of him everytime he gets online or glances in the direction of another female, and don't accuse him of wanting to cheat or of cheating everytime (or almost everytime) you argue or continously bring up this situation when you argue in the future either. I am not saying any of that to be harsh on you but rather to try to help you save your marriage if that's what you intend. I know it will be very hard to trust him again. Thing with trust though is in order for it to be re-built, you have to care enough to offer it back out again and see where it lands. And if you keep bringing up this, it will keep you stuck here and won't ever let you move on to rebuild that trust - and if you accuse him or suspect him at every turn, he will feel defeated and eventually end up sabotaging things. I hope things work out for you - whatever you decide.

[Mygrandjourney]

Patrick Carnes has written books and articles on this. He has an assessment your SO could complete to see if it rises to the level of addiction. Based on what you've said so far, it does not sound like an addiction.

I know I caught him early and he was not yet talking to anyone ( I checked every site) but I was completely floored.

He is a great man in my eyes and we do love each other, ...

Without taking the marriage's history into account, I think it is not fair to decide on this incident to ruin the marriage. Most of you are pushing her to terminate her marriage, while she mentioned that she caught him before talking to anyone, and she still sees him a great person and they both love each others. I think a more reasonable response would be to let her talk to her husband, and try to figure out why he was thinking hookup in the first place. If she discovered that he is a sex addict, and he has cheated on her without her knowing, then it is another story, and she has the right to think otherwise, even though, even cheating doesn't necessarily mean marriage termination automatically. Mistakes happen.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Nickname

Without taking the marriage's history into account it is not fair to decide on this incident to ruin the marriage. You all pushing her to terminate her marriage, while she mentioned that she caught him before talking to anyone, and she still sees him a great person and they both love each others. I think a more reasonable response would be to let her talk to her husband, and try to figure out why he was thinking hookup in the first place. If she discovered that he is a sex addict, and he has cheated on her without her knowing, then it is another story.

Most said to talk to him - I told her he may feel something changed in the relationship n he is now missing something n if that's the case relationship counseling could help. Most of us said it's probably not an addiction. I think perhaps you read a couple responses and then decided that's how we all responded?

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Just because he cheats doesn't mean he is a sex addict. Perhaps he is feeling there is something "missing" in your relationship that was once there but he doesn't see/feel anymore? If that's the case, you can possibly work through it with relationship counseling. You both need to be willing to talk openly though about what you are feeling and why. Nothing can be done unless you are willing to do that. As far as repeat cheating - he was completely faithful eleven years, that's why I think it's something he feels changed in your relationship. If you can find a way to repair whatever changed and rebuild the trust, I don't think you will have to worry about repeats. One thing I will caution you on though. If you do decide to remain in the relationship and try to make it work - don't be overly suspicious of him everytime he gets online or glances in the direction of another female, and don't accuse him of wanting to cheat or of cheating everytime (or almost everytime) you argue or continously bring up this situation when you argue in the future either. I am not saying any of that to be harsh on you but rather to try to help you save your marriage if that's what you intend. I know it will be very hard to trust him again. Thing with trust though is in order for it to be re-built, you have to care enough to offer it back out again and see where it lands. And if you keep bringing up this, it will keep you stuck here and won't ever let you move on to rebuild that trust - and if you accuse him or suspect him at every turn, he will feel defeated and eventually end up sabotaging things. I hope things work out for you - whatever you decide.

I completely agree with you.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Most said to talk to him - I told her he may feel something changed in the relationship n he is now missing something n if that's the case relationship counseling could help. Most of us said it's probably not an addiction. I think perhaps you read a couple responses and then decided that's how we all responded?

We posted at the same time. No, I read all responses but yours actually (because it was not formatted to be read easily; one long paragraph) when I wrote the last post. I then read yours and I completely agree with you.

Others seemed to try to implant the idea that her trust is gone forever somehow, and what has been done is beyond repair, without taking into account that she mentioned that she has been happily married for 11 years, and he hasn't cheated or even talked to anyone (according to her original post), which is a guaranteed road to divorce, and one of them even stated explicitly to "dump him". I don't agree. Men have strong sexual desires, and even if they don't really cheat and fool around, they probably cheat and fool around all the times in their minds. It is not a justification, but rather an understanding that maybe something pushed him to materialize his fantasies.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Nickname

We posted at the same time. No, I read all responses but yours actually (because it was not formatted to be read easily; one long paragraph) when I wrote the last post. I then read yours and I completely agree with you.

Others seemed to try to implant the idea that her trust is gone forever somehow, and what has been done is beyond repair, without taking into account that she mentioned that she has been happily married for 11 years, and he hasn't cheated or even talked to anyone (according to her original post), which is a guaranteed road to divorce, and one of them even stated explicitly to "dump him". I don't agree. Men have strong sexual desires, and even if they don't really cheat and fool around, they probably cheat and fool around all the times in their minds. It is not a justification, but rather an understanding that maybe something pushed him to materialize his fantasies.

Ok, I understand.

Thanks for clarifying and thanks for agreeing with me. Actually - I have been in thus situation but on the other end, it's kind of where the knowledge came from. Sorry if my response to you sounded harsh.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Ok, I understand.

Thanks for clarifying and thanks for agreeing with me. Actually - I have been in thus situation but on the other end, it's kind of where the knowledge came from. Sorry if my response to you sounded harsh.

Don't worry, it didn't

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Nickname

Don't worry, it didn't

Good I'm glad - I can come across badly at times.

[Barreja]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I still don't see "sex addict" anywhere... Is someone applying this label to excuse his desire to cheat?

I've done a lot of research on this, as many as 20-30 articles and research papers. Believe me he fits 8 out of 10 symptoms. It is the desire to increase your high. First porn is enough, but you are looking a lot. He had his new phone with him every second and was on it every second. I had caught him getting off on porn, which does not bother me. Then you have to start wanting to "do" one of these girls and suddenly the high you get just looking isn't enough. Then you join hook up sites, then you start chatting, then, and this progresses at different rates for everyone, you actually hook up. It IS sex addiction, and if you think I may excuse him, I ABSOLUTELY do not.

Thank you for your reply, take care

[Trippin2.0]

My apologies for rubbing you up the wrong way.


I was just unclear as to how a great faithful decade old marriage suddenly has a sex addict as half the equation.


Thanks for clarifying though!