[cureav]

Hi,
I'm not sure about the title of the problem, so I'm asking for opinion.

One friend of mine that I recently helped a lot and spent time with, sent me one photo:



To this new friend of mine I was pretty quickly open and honest. What she could do to me was to use some of mine weak spots, blind spots, to use my knowledge in our recent situation...
I guess I did a lot to help this person recently and she, in her weak minute, sent me this photo as a hint to my blind spot of my interaction with other people.
When someone ask me to do something, I jump and do it immediately as a form of help and to me as a mirror of being helpful and useful to someone.
To my parents I was good boy only when I did what they wanted me to do.
I also remember hiding somewhere in another room as a kid, in this rare moments, I felt safe, without a feeling of being a subject on which others could express their frustrations. All I wanted to be left alone, without being obligated to fulfill others expectations.
I felt guilty for the all things they had to do for me as a kid on a daily basis. I feel my birth trapped my parents to stay together.
Now I have a feeling, when you are an open book to a person, and that person figure out the psychological pattern by which you function, but that person will remain silent cause he has something out of that what for you is a blind spot.
This is what my recent 'friend' is using out of me.
But when you drag this pattern from your childhood, your subconsciousness, and you can't get rid of guilt of saying no to any person (a parent), they can ask you any type of a question they already know the answer, or ask for help for things they can do alone... and you'll jump and help them as a slave of this guilt.

Please any opinion, link or phrase that could lead me to better understanding my weak spot.
Thanks

[JustJenny]

Are you sure this picture has a hidden message behind it? The joke is pretty funny, maybe your friend just wanted to cheer you up?

[Chyialee]

Originally Posted by JustJenny

Are you sure this picture has a hidden message behind it? The joke is pretty funny, maybe your friend just wanted to cheer you up?

That was absolutely my response to the joke, too, Jenny.

To the OP: Are you talking to anyone about the difficulties you feel with always trying to be the one who "jumps in" and saves the day? Sounds like you're pretyy frustrated with the way that makes you feel, and it's likely slopping over into how you perceive the actions of the folk around you. is there a counselor or someone you could discuss this with?

I expect most of us have bought into the victim-rescuer triangle at some point in our lives; I certainly did. It can get draining, no? Pls take some time to rest & recharge. Chyia, wishing you good things

[cureav]

No, I don't have somebody to talk about this. It's a shame. This is the first photo she send me an made me think. It really reflected my recent behavior. Yes, the photo is funny, but simple things can sometimes show the hidden message. It helped me to open my eyes a bit. Thanks for yor answers

[Rose76]

I don't think your friend sending you that photo was so cute, if it was meant as you are taking it.

I'm sorry your childhood was so painful. One way to undo some of the inclinations it left you with would be to experiment with not jumping to help at every opportunity. Try it. Just try refraining once in awhile. Try saying no occasionally. Doing that might open your eyes to somethings. You may find that nothing horrible happens. Try it the next time this particular friend wants help with something.

[marmaduke]

You should not feel guilty for all the things your parents did for you a daily basis. They were parents they were meant to look after you. That what parents do its their job. You did not ask to be born.
It was wrong of them to take out their frustrations on a small child. Selfish.
Sounds like you tried very hard to please and was treated like a slave.
My father always told me how Very grateful I should be 'All I do for you, you are so lucky' he'd say.

I never felt remotely lucky. And he did f##k all for me.
No child needs to feel grateful for a parent clothing, feeding, caring for them.
Crikey a cat has kits and loves them, she don't expect thanks for the next 100 years!

As for your friends joke pic. It might have been well meant, I dunno.
I think I would have found it triggering.

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[Rose76]

I think that parents who want tons of gratitude are actually wanting to balance off something from their own history. My father was kind of like that. It sounded to me like he had done a lot for his mother and got little acknowledgement for it. I think, in his own mind, he always compared how much had been demanded of him with what we did, or didn't do.

You have the idea that your parents stayed together only as a favor to you. You may be underestimating what needs of their own they were meeting in staying together.

It's real common, for instance, for women with abusive partners to claim that they take all kinds of abuse so as to deflect it away from their children . . . that they must palaver their husbands so as to protect their children. Unhappy men will claim that supporting their families has kept them from realizing any of their dreams . . . that they are nothing more than a paycheck to their wives and children. All these types want to wear the martyr's crown. I don't buy it.

Of all higher animals, no one walks away from offspring quicker than humans, when they think the grass is greener somewhere else. If only humans, on average, were as loyal and committed as penguins.

If you think deeper about what other options your parents had and why they didn't pursue them, you might come to understand that it wasn't all about what benefitted you.

Children blame themselves for all kinds of things . . . parents staying together, parents getting divorced. Your parents did what they chose to do.

[marmaduke]

I was blamed for being a girl. Father lost interest, he had always longed for a boy. He had even chosen a name for their new son.

Can you imagine the disappointment when I arrived?

Father blamed mother for 'holding him back'
Mother blamed father for being 'ignorant and work obsessed'
They both blamed me for. Well everything. Everything wrong in their lives was my fault.
Thier c##p marriage was of course my fault.
5 years old with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Of course, neither of them EVER admitted fault.

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[cureav]

@marmaduke Triggering is the right word. Thanks.

Originally Posted by cureav

To my parents I was good boy only when I did what they wanted me to do.

I can totally relate. Everything you wrote, especially the quote above.

It took me years to understand that something was very wrong in my upbringing, and a few more years to break free from my parent's evil grip around my neck.

Your parents' job was to love you, protect you and make sure you had a safe and healthy upbringing that would give you a better chance of a successful future. They failed you on all that, and if anyone has to feel guilty or ashamed, it's them, not you.

As for you weaknesses, or "blind spots", you need to be careful to identify and manage them; some people out there have the uncanny ability of identifying those weaknesses and using them to manipulate you. You need to be able to see it when it happens, and cut it out before they have the chance to dig their filthy claws into you.

Take care.

[cureav]

BuildABridge, do you have any advice how to dig out those programs, those blind spots cause they were installed by my parents long before I was able to develop my sense of self?

[Rose76]

Stop thinking that everything is determined by what your parents did, or didn't do. You are giving them too much power and control.

Of course, we are affected by how we were treated as children. But thinking of yourself as a helpless victim becomes a self-fullfilling prophecy. It's really dangerous thinking - you'll end up deriving all your identity from having been your parents' child. Let it go and move on.

Your parents could use the same excuse and say all of their behavior was the result of how your grandparents treated them. We could end up blaming everything on Adam and Eve.

The insight that analyzing your childhood can give is valuable, but don't let it dominate your thinking.

[marmaduke]

Children are helpless victims though.
They have no control.
I always struggle with the 'Oh, just forget it, that was years ago'
attitude.

'Let it go and move on'
If only it was that easy.

Thats why people get PTSD from childhood because they can't 'forget it'.

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by cureav

Now I have a feeling, when you are an open book to a person, and that person figure out the psychological pattern by which you function, but that person will remain silent cause he has something out of that what for you is a blind spot.

This is what my recent 'friend' is using out of me.

But when you drag this pattern from your childhood, your subconsciousness, and you can't get rid of guilt of saying no to any person (a parent), they can ask you any type of a question they already know the answer, or ask for help for things they can do alone...

and you'll jump and help them as a slave of this guilt.

Your friend sent this to you, and you alone because they know they can use your childhood to their advantage and that because of your childhood you won't say no?

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[cureav]

healingme4me I get your (sarcastic) point. In short - yes, there are people who will use your weak spots to get what they need.
The thing is a bit complicated. We are a few people that moved to another country for work, so feeling a bit lonely, you don't have much time to get to know someone. This goes pretty fast and I am the kind who waste no time, gives a lot and expect life to be fair. All mixed with nostalgia for all the friends and (extended) family that you've left, you cling to somebody to feel close.
I always analyzed myself, cause my parents gave their best to obstruct development of my individuality - for them that was a threat.
So, all I want is to feel a bit safer in this new world, foreign language, and bring to the light my blind spots. Maybe the best way for it is to expose yourself and get hurt so you could learn sooner from it. I don't know...
Thanks all of you!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by cureav

healingme4me I get your (sarcastic) point. In short - yes, there are people who will use your weak spots to get what they need.
The thing is a bit complicated. We are a few people that moved to another country for work, so feeling a bit lonely, you don't have much time to get to know someone. This goes pretty fast and I am the kind who waste no time, gives a lot and expect life to be fair. All mixed with nostalgia for all the friends and (extended) family that you've left, you cling to somebody to feel close.
I always analyzed myself, cause my parents gave their best to obstruct development of my individuality - for them that was a threat.
So, all I want is to feel a bit safer in this new world, foreign language, and bring to the light my blind spots. Maybe the best way for it is to expose yourself and get hurt so you could learn sooner from it. I don't know...
Thanks all of you!

Sorry that I didn't see this reply until now.
It was more eyebrows raised than sarcasm, but I suppose we're all entitled to gather whatever intent we are feeling in the moment and tag that to others.

I'm still not sure why that meme is finding a weak spot?

It's a common meme. Many of us that grew up before remote controls can probably relate to being asked to change the tv channel. As kids we were probably walking by or sitting closer.

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