mother - daughter relationships

I have a daughter with whom are relationship is slim. We can't seemed to talk except by email in truth. I had a turmoiled marriage, her father was a drinker, abusive to me when drinking. He stopped doing all this after the loss of our son 18yrs ago and some counselling. She also, put me on a fence to choose when she was younger. She attempted suicide twice in her younger life. My husband and I have worked hard to get things together with both of our families and us. She talks to him alot and her grandmother. Me, I am a different matter. We can talk by email truthfully but with each other in person it is estrange. She is married and soon to have a baby. In some ways, she wants me around and other ways I am there to critizicies. everything about me.
My Mom tells me it will take time. I feel so left out. She tells me she hates. I feel I am not the one to hate. What can I do to talk to her?

I suggest that you both do something together - just the two of you - over a couple of days so that you can share some experiences together and form a closer bond with eachother. Perhaps a hike or some kind of adventure.

Good luck

my suggestoin would ask her why you two can talk via email but not face to face.. Tell her you love to chat on the computer, but you would also love to have that bond, face to face.. you love her

Tell her you also know you have made mistakes in the past, and are willing to work on those mistakes, and work past them, and hopeuflly someday you can ask for her forgivness, you know it will take time, but you want to be a part of your grandchilds life, and if there is any hate, between the two of you that child will feel it the day it is born.. Trust me.. I know I have been there in that place.. and babies can sense things adults can not and will not listen to in the "heart".

Tell her how much you love her and tell her how much you wan to make amends..
That is the first stepping stone you can step on..


<font color=purple>
take time to heal thyself before trying to help others, or you will never get better

Thank you ,
That is a good suggestion for us. I appreciate it. I don't want my granddaughter to feel any tension between.us. My daugther holds grudges and that is not good. She hates the wrong person and I am afraid it will never end. My son-in-law is a good person and says to give her time. He has had many discussions with her. He tells me to give her time. Everyone one says give her time. The last time I confronted her we ended up in a shouting match which was not good at all. See, when something goes wrong if I am not even around I am at fault. This happens with my Mom or her father. She nevers gives them a hint of any bad mouth. I am a easy going person and very lay back in personality. I hurt easily too, very sensitive where she is very up front like her Dad. they say what they think as my Mom. It has been a circus for me. Again, thank you.
MC

Thank you for your suggestions. I wish it was so simple as getting together. Maybe some day.

This must be very hard for you. Any chance she might go to a counselor with you? Being laid back is O.K. but you don't have to be a doormat. It is very sad that you can't share in her experience of being pregnant. I hope for both of your sakes and that new baby that you can resolve this. Good luck! Annie

As far as going to a counsler, I know she would not . She says, I should go to a therapist. We as a family at one time want to a catholic charities together and it was a mess. She wanted me to make a choice and I was always on a fence with her and her father. Today, they talk a lot as if nothing ever happened to me. Her father does stick for me and tells her to let the past go. He abuse me , not her.
Marcia

you are very welcome..

Giving some one time, is one thing, but too much time, can sour grapes as they say..
and to me it sounds like her grudes have turned ino brick walls that she will not let down..
so go buy a shovel of love, and try to use it gently..


<font color=purple>
take time to heal thyself before trying to help others, or you will never get better

welcome. and sorry to hear all this. <font color=blue> I did not have daughters, but can recall hating my mother for a very long time. I can only tell you that I wish she would have been the "grown up" and sat us down and chatted.

I wish she would have said, let's start over. Let's wipe the slate clean. Let's not blame, but begin again. Let's learn about each other, and go on. There's so much more that we can share.

She's 84 now. I'm becoming "mother"... and I have to be the grown up...keep trying. I personally think it's worth it... of course, I'm just wishing... for you.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

I appreciated the advice and read your story . I feel that sometimes good advice comes from others more experienced in life. My daughter will have her own daughter soon and we will see what happens. I hope some she will forgive me for the choice I made. It is great to get some of these topics off my mind. I have been wanting to talk to someone about these things.
Thanks

I have to tell all that my relationship with my daughter is better since the baby hasbeen born and I feel we are good with each other and time will tell. I just have to be me . She wants no stress for her baby and I don't either. I think I have to take one day at a timee for us.
cathy56