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  #1  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 04:37 PM
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Xaldin Xaldin is offline
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Out of all my issues that I deal with, this may be the worst one.

I'm a 23 year old guy that has never been in a relationship of any kind(Nor sex for that matter.) I've been a loner most of my life. Initially when I was younger this wasn't my intention... just for whatever reason I was isolated from other kids.
Upon reaching Middle School, I began actively making myself a loner because I just felt like I never really fit in anywhere. Now as an adult, Ive gotten to the point to where I keep everyone at arm's length. Ironically I'm the "kind, shy, quiet guy", I typically prefer to listen than talk. And with online friends Ive also become the "advice/support" guy. So basically I'm fine up to the point of being friends/part of a particular community. But anything beyond that... forget it.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I ever tried. But all attempts failed. Ive even dealt with a girl in High School pretending to like me than pulled a 180 saying she just did it to be nice. Also dealt with a long time online friend that I liked, but she ended up with another online friend.

Over the years... Ive closed myself off. And sadly it's gotten to the point of resentment towards women. It's dumb considering Im a frequent porn viewer. I envy people with a relationship, love, intimacy. At the same time I'm angry, spiteful and miserable.
Ive dealt with panic attacks at night in bed so severe that it physically hurts.

I don't think there are words to describe the level of pain from the emptiness, the feeling of being unwanted, unnoticed.

Ironically while being a heavy weakness of mine, my Pride is the one thing that keeps me going because Ive lasted this long on my own. But it's hard to deal with the chronic loneliness.

Im posting this because I don't know how to move forward. This is an area Ive been wandering aimlessly for so long, I feel like I cant take much more of it.
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  #2  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 07:39 PM
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Ocean Swimmer Ocean Swimmer is offline
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If you'd like to change your perspective. Do it.
A bar. A prostitute. Anything different from what you're doing.
I have experience. I'm in my mid 50's.
You're young, dumb and full of come.
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Hasn't helped yet.
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  #3  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 08:53 PM
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Xaldin Xaldin is offline
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...definitely not helpful. I basically opened up my soul and all get is "Try harder" as a response. Gee thanks.
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Find balance and equilibrium. Stand too close to the light will blind you, treading too deep in shadow will consume you. Take your own road, not the paths of conformity with the "illusion of sides".

ADD/ADHD(Inattentive) - Adderall 30mg x2
General Anxiety Disorder - Sertraline 100mg
Long-Term Depression - Wellbutrin 150mg x2
  #4  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 09:15 PM
Anonymous200547
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Why weren't your relationships successful in the past?
  #5  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 09:32 PM
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ComfortablyNumb5 ComfortablyNumb5 is offline
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You put yourself down a lot and you're having anxiety issues plus you've been through some disappointment. That could make anyone bitter! Are you seeking therapy? Are you on any meds for your anxiety? If not then start there. Learn to love yourself first. Trust me if you don't accept yourself first then you're setting yourself up to waste a lot of time on the wrong people! (And I really need to take my own advise lol)

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  #6  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 09:55 PM
Anonymous37802
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I completely understand where you're at. As far as the girls go, sorry to anyone who is in high school as I am aware this is a generalization, but people are dumb about relationships when they are young. I definitely was. And what I mean to say is that we were all just trying to navigate our crazy hormones without getting hurt. I don't think, in our teens, we are emotionally evolved enough to fully understand how to navigate the dating realm. I'm sorry those girls hurt you, but don't let that be an indicator of how it will always be.

When I say I understand how you feel, it is because I'm feeling very similar. But I am about 15 years older, and have had a lot longer to become jaded, haha. I've had some pretty devastating experiences which have caused me to close myself off a bit, and I chose for a very long time not to pursue relationships. Also, I was a virgin until I was 26. A bit of it was because I was very religious in my early 20s (I finally slept with the guy I thought I was going to marry). I guess my point is...try not to allow yourself to let the past define your future. I'm on here tonight because I'm in a negative spiral after a rather painful dating rejection (yet again), and I'm just trying desperately to stop spiraling. I feel unwanted and unnoticed at times even though I know that I'm freaking awesome and worthy of a relationship. I know that some of my hangups make dating hard for me though. The most important thing I think I learned from my 20's til now is that it's important to learn to be content with your own company. People told me that all the time and I was like, "Psssh whatever," but it's true. I was sad, lonely, empty, etc and totally hated being alone. I've learned to be very happy on my own. Do I want to be with someone? Absolutely. But do I have to be with someone to feel content? No. It took me a REALLY long time to get to this point but it's so much better than feeling bound by sadness.

(Also porn and women in the real world are nothing alike. Definitely get that solidified or you might be very disappointed once you do have sex.)
  #7  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 10:31 PM
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Xaldin Xaldin is offline
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@Nickname As I've stated, I've never been in an actual relationship. I've merely experienced failed attempts at starting one. Mostly turned down, but also a friend choosing some one else over me.

@RXQueen I've been on medication for years. I've been on meds since I was about 12. For ADD and later Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. I've been to psychologists before... Didn't really help all that much. And believe me... I've tried to love myself. I've tried to carry myself... But the most I've ever felt is just being content. Not happiness.

@Ruari I appreciate your words. I have considered the fact the line of thinking of girls still maturing.. To a point. I've seen both friends and family have successful relationships at a young age. Hence the feelings I've developed. ...I'm trying the best I can to believe that I'm not fated to be alone. Still.. It doesn't change the fact of how much I've endured. It's hard to keep going..
__________________
Find balance and equilibrium. Stand too close to the light will blind you, treading too deep in shadow will consume you. Take your own road, not the paths of conformity with the "illusion of sides".

ADD/ADHD(Inattentive) - Adderall 30mg x2
General Anxiety Disorder - Sertraline 100mg
Long-Term Depression - Wellbutrin 150mg x2
  #8  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 10:35 PM
Anonymous200547
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruari View Post
I completely understand where you're at. As far as the girls go, sorry to anyone who is in high school as I am aware this is a generalization, but people are dumb about relationships when they are young. I definitely was. And what I mean to say is that we were all just trying to navigate our crazy hormones without getting hurt. I don't think, in our teens, we are emotionally evolved enough to fully understand how to navigate the dating realm. I'm sorry those girls hurt you, but don't let that be an indicator of how it will always be.

When I say I understand how you feel, it is because I'm feeling very similar. But I am about 15 years older, and have had a lot longer to become jaded, haha. I've had some pretty devastating experiences which have caused me to close myself off a bit, and I chose for a very long time not to pursue relationships. Also, I was a virgin until I was 26. A bit of it was because I was very religious in my early 20s (I finally slept with the guy I thought I was going to marry). I guess my point is...try not to allow yourself to let the past define your future. I'm on here tonight because I'm in a negative spiral after a rather painful dating rejection (yet again), and I'm just trying desperately to stop spiraling. I feel unwanted and unnoticed at times even though I know that I'm freaking awesome and worthy of a relationship. I know that some of my hangups make dating hard for me though. The most important thing I think I learned from my 20's til now is that it's important to learn to be content with your own company. People told me that all the time and I was like, "Psssh whatever," but it's true. I was sad, lonely, empty, etc and totally hated being alone. I've learned to be very happy on my own. Do I want to be with someone? Absolutely. But do I have to be with someone to feel content? No. It took me a REALLY long time to get to this point but it's so much better than feeling bound by sadness.

(Also porn and women in the real world are nothing alike. Definitely get that solidified or you might be very disappointed once you do have sex.)
I am reaching the same conclusion; to be content by myself while alone, but ... not forever, which means something needs to be done at some level to change the situation.
  #9  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 10:44 PM
Anonymous200547
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Originally Posted by Xaldin View Post
@Nickname As I've stated, I've never been in an actual relationship. I've merely experienced failed attempts at starting one. Mostly turned down, but also a friend choosing some one else over me.
...
But again why they failed to start? You seem to have a pattern which means there is an underlying problem.

Don't quit from now. Keep trying. The more you fail the more you become skilled, you just need to see it this way. If your attitude like "I failed, so probably I am destined to be alone" then it would be difficult to incorporate your experience and take the courage for the next time. I am sure if you are not 23 but 32 it would be harder. Don't wait until then. Start now. I know it is challenging, but there is no other way than going through it.
  #10  
Old Mar 01, 2016, 11:14 PM
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Xaldin Xaldin is offline
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I forgot to mention the following.

@Ruari I'm well aware that most women aren't like those in porn. It's not as much a matter of expecting of being a certain way... I merely brought that up because how I feel from the pure lack of intimacy of any kind.
__________________
Find balance and equilibrium. Stand too close to the light will blind you, treading too deep in shadow will consume you. Take your own road, not the paths of conformity with the "illusion of sides".

ADD/ADHD(Inattentive) - Adderall 30mg x2
General Anxiety Disorder - Sertraline 100mg
Long-Term Depression - Wellbutrin 150mg x2
  #11  
Old Mar 02, 2016, 12:07 AM
Anonymous37802
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Originally Posted by Xaldin View Post
I forgot to mention the following.

@Ruari I'm well aware that most women aren't like those in porn. It's not as much a matter of expecting of being a certain way... I merely brought that up because how I feel from the pure lack of intimacy of any kind.
Oh okay. I get that. To be honest, I like porn as well (which I know is somewhat unusual for a female) even though I can be very shy when it comes to real life. I'm not when I finally open up to someone, not at all. But it takes me a bit to let them in.
  #12  
Old Mar 02, 2016, 07:06 PM
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Xaldin Xaldin is offline
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Btw I'd also like to ask...

Is it always the expectation for the guy to always be the one to ask the girl out? Is the opposite just fantasy land or what... I never understood the concept that its always the guy that has to make the first move.
__________________
Find balance and equilibrium. Stand too close to the light will blind you, treading too deep in shadow will consume you. Take your own road, not the paths of conformity with the "illusion of sides".

ADD/ADHD(Inattentive) - Adderall 30mg x2
General Anxiety Disorder - Sertraline 100mg
Long-Term Depression - Wellbutrin 150mg x2
  #13  
Old Mar 02, 2016, 07:23 PM
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ComfortablyNumb5 ComfortablyNumb5 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xaldin View Post
Btw I'd also like to ask...


Is it always the expectation for the guy to always be the one to ask the girl out? Is the opposite just fantasy land or what... I never understood the concept that its always the guy that has to make the first move.

I'm a woman and I wouldn't say it's always up to the guy but many people like the thought of getting chased. They get flattered when someone makes the effort. I don't think that's always the guys part but it always depends on the person. If you like a girl then flirt it up a bit but make sure you're not being overbearing. Make a move bit if she doesn't reciprocate then back off. Honestly, there's nothing that turns me off more than a guy who's being desperate and overbearing. Yes it's nice to feel wanted but jeez take a hint ya know? So don't feel bad to make a move, just be aware of how hard you're pushing and pay attention to the signs.

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  #14  
Old Mar 03, 2016, 10:22 PM
Anonymous200547
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Originally Posted by Xaldin View Post
Btw I'd also like to ask...

Is it always the expectation for the guy to always be the one to ask the girl out? Is the opposite just fantasy land or what... I never understood the concept that its always the guy that has to make the first move.

Once a nice girl tried to ask strange guys out on a YouTube video, and the responses were suspicious. I am not sure why, but I think as a general rule girls don't ask guys out.
  #15  
Old Mar 04, 2016, 05:38 AM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Girls do ask guys out. Unfortunately sometimes girls try to pursue guys who are entirely disinterested. If a girl asked a guy out and he went and then didn't reciprocate or she called him all the time and he never, some women continue bugging him rather than figuring he isn't interested. I see it on this forum. Women state they constantly contacting this guy and they refer to it as a relationship when he clearly isn't even interested

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  #16  
Old Mar 04, 2016, 04:24 PM
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Xaldin Xaldin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RxQueen875 View Post
I'm a woman and I wouldn't say it's always up to the guy but many people like the thought of getting chased. They get flattered when someone makes the effort. I don't think that's always the guys part but it always depends on the person. If you like a girl then flirt it up a bit but make sure you're not being overbearing. Make a move bit if she doesn't reciprocate then back off. Honestly, there's nothing that turns me off more than a guy who's being desperate and overbearing. Yes it's nice to feel wanted but jeez take a hint ya know? So don't feel bad to make a move, just be aware of how hard you're pushing and pay attention to the signs.

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Well that's the other thing as well. I wouldn't have the faintest idea how to flirt. Especially without coming on as creepy or weird... Or even worst of all desperate.
I have no issues actually talking to girls. It's just when crossing the "I'm interested in you" line that seems to be like jumping into an abyss.
__________________
Find balance and equilibrium. Stand too close to the light will blind you, treading too deep in shadow will consume you. Take your own road, not the paths of conformity with the "illusion of sides".

ADD/ADHD(Inattentive) - Adderall 30mg x2
General Anxiety Disorder - Sertraline 100mg
Long-Term Depression - Wellbutrin 150mg x2
  #17  
Old Mar 04, 2016, 04:46 PM
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ComfortablyNumb5 ComfortablyNumb5 is offline
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Originally Posted by Xaldin View Post
Well that's the other thing as well. I wouldn't have the faintest idea how to flirt. Especially without coming on as creepy or weird... Or even worst of all desperate.

I have no issues actually talking to girls. It's just when crossing the "I'm interested in you" line that seems to be like jumping into an abyss.

Start by asking to hang out. Watch a movie, lean in close but if she moves away then back off. Ask her if she's single. Or just compliment her over text, phone, whatever. Now if she keeps telling you she can't get together or making up excuse after excuse then don't bother. Talk to her often but leave it up to her to make the first text of the day. Sure you should make the first text too sometimes but not all the time. If she just says short replies like "lol" or "yes/no" then another reason to back away. There's plenty of fish in the sea and plenty of women that are confident enough to make the first move too. So if you often want to leave it up to the girl then that's up to you.

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  #18  
Old Mar 07, 2016, 12:19 AM
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Xaldin Xaldin is offline
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*Sigh*, I'll try to give it a shot.

You know it's weird. I've considered myself tougher than most because of all the crap I've dealt with. Yet with this Ive never felt so fragile.

I really must have an absurd level of fear of getting hurt.
__________________
Find balance and equilibrium. Stand too close to the light will blind you, treading too deep in shadow will consume you. Take your own road, not the paths of conformity with the "illusion of sides".

ADD/ADHD(Inattentive) - Adderall 30mg x2
General Anxiety Disorder - Sertraline 100mg
Long-Term Depression - Wellbutrin 150mg x2
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