Being friends with abusive ex

My abusive ex found me after i got away and he wants to be friends. While we were together, he threatened me many times, was jealous possessive and controlling and was very mentally and emotionally abusive. He even stalked me. I really don't know if I should be friends with him I am very confused and I am used to his abuse (because it has been going on for years), if that makes any sense. I find it hard to cut contact with him. I am just so confused. Anyone please help?

Why do you want to be friends with people who abused you?

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Don't do it. You got away. Do not let him back in under any circumstances. He doesn't want to be your friend, he is hoping to get you back in his clutches for more abuse.

Hes asking me to meet up over 10 times, just for coffee and to talk, or to go for a walk, but I am still scared to meet him to be quite honest. Every time I say no and reject him, he tells me ill never be able to find anyone who will love me and that he can get way better girls. That im immature and dumb and nothing.

I have been heavily depressed ever since we have started talking again. I feel like I have to keep in touch with him, or else. He might do something bad to me And now i feel like I cant ever have a relationship again, that im worthless

Thank you for your support. I will do that. I'm just don't know how to get my self esteem back. He said so many hurtful things and put me down all the time that iI'm now used to feeling like I'm nothing and worthless. That I'll never be able to find someone who loves me, someone who is good. He constantly tells me I'm nothing that I'm worth nothing and that he can find some much better. He tells me I'm a dumb stupid immature girl that I'll never be able to find someone else

Does anybody know why abusers say such hurtful things? why do they like putting others down?
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I feel so depressed. I guess this is caused from all of the years of abuse I endured. And every time I want to stop talking to him, I relapse. Its sort of like , I know hes bad for me but im so used it to that I just give in. I know I need help though. I feel as if nobody else (nobody normal, that is) will want me. Its sort of like..A part of me knows I need to cut contact. The other part thinks im not worth anything good. I also have no friends and didn't talk to anyone other than him. I mean I do sometimes but they are only online friends.

Why on earth are you even considering this????


Make the best of your freedom, embrace it, be proud of yourself for obtaining it, don't just hand it over, like it has no meaning!!


Getting it back a second time will be next to impossible.

That's you can be sure of...

I really think you need to look at why you are entertaining this idea, therein lies the key to avoiding these situations in future.

I agree with the comments above. You ran for a reason, don't go back.

He is still stalking you.

Stay away from this abuser.

This is on the National Domestic Violence Hotline: thehotline.org

Why Do People Abuse?
Domestic violence and abuse stem from a desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partners, and they may enjoy the feeling that exerting power gives them. They often believe that their own feelings and needs should be the priority in their relationships, so they use abusive tactics to dismantle equality and make their partners feel less valuable and deserving of respect in the relationship.

No matter why it happens, abuse is not okay and it’s never justified.

Abuse is a learned behavior. Sometimes people see it in their own families. Other times they learn it from friends or popular culture. However, abuse is a choice, and it’s not one that anyone has to make. Many people who experience or witness abuse growing up decide not to use those negative and hurtful ways of behaving in their own relationships. While outside forces such as drug or alcohol addiction can sometimes escalate abuse, it’s most important to recognize that these issues do not cause abuse.

Who Can Be in an Abusive Relationship?
Anyone can be abusive and anyone can be the victim of abuse. It happens regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation, race or economic background. While an abusive person often blames their partner to justify their behavior, abuse has nothing to do with the person it’s directed at, and it’s never a result of anything to do with the relationship or a particular situation. Abuse is a personal choice and a strategic behavior used to create the abusive person’s desired power dynamic. Regardless of the circumstances of the relationship or the pasts of either partner, no one ever deserves to be abused.

There is absolutely nothing good that will come of you being back connected to this guy in any way, shape or form.

He does not just want to be friends. He wants to get some kind of control of you again. And you don't just want to be friends. You are subconsciously entertaining the fantasy that he may become a nice guy. He won't.

You are making this way more confusing than it needs to be. I humbly suggest that this is because you are not being real honest with yourself. I'm guessing that you have not yet gotten into another relationship. (If you had, you wouldn't be even considering this.) You are missing having a guy to relate to, so you are willing to let this guy back in to fill up the empty space. You are deluding yourself that, this time, you will be more in control. You won't be.

Cut the cord. Move on. Let him move on. Let go. You should not even be talking to this guy. You are not respecting yourself. And you are making it more likely that you will keep going into abusive relationships. That's because you have failed to make the firm decision that, "There is zero room in my life for any man who abuses me." Wise up.

Sorry. I hadn't read all your posts above. So this is all because you think you are worthless.

I don't believe that. Again I will say you need to get honest. If a person keeps smoking cigarettes, it's not because they think they are worthless and deserve to die of lung cancer. It's because they have gotten into a habit, and habits are hard to break. Doing something that is hard takes a lot of effort in the beginning. You want to follow the path of least resistance and just let whatever will happen happen.

Having a good life takes a whole lot of effort. Make a little effort now, and it will get easier. Stop all contact with him. He's a jerk, and you know that.

Why he does what he does is a mystery that you don't need to figure out.

Self-esteem will only grow inside of you after you start making better decisions. Self-esteem has to be earned.

If this isn't reason enough not to, I don't know what is.

To me, it seems a direct correlation to feeling heavily depressed, feeling unworthy of anyone and his contacting you again.

How long have you been separated? How long were you together originally? What prompted the first break up?

So he says you are dumb and immature and you want to be friends with him? How does it make sense?

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