Socializing and expectaions

I'm looking up groups on meetup, because this is the only way for me to socialize and sharpen my social skills instead of talking to random strangers. But ironically, I've this this fear that every body will expect me to be able to socialize in the first place. For example I look to this group which I'd like to join, but when I look to their photos, I can see that they are very social, spontaneous, and laughing together. There is no specific interest about this group; just people meeting and trying different things and activities. I'm not sure if I can be involved like this, and I'm afraid I'll be outcast because of that. But there is no other way to be ready to socialize other than socializing

How about movie going meetup? You don't need or can talk during movie of course but then you can exchange opinions afterwards?

I belong to two meetup groups that are not interest specific. We just do different things. But I used to belong to movie group and that was specific. We also have a group that does volunteering together. That sounds like a good start too. Or hiking group. Walk and talk but don't have to talk too much, not extreme socializing. I used to belong to walking group too

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Wandering Soul, we all communicate and that is what people call socializing. We all do it in different increments which we feel comfortable with. Myself i talk and then i reach a shut off point and i am done. I want the rest of the day to myself, quiet. I go shopping and when i had enough i want to go home, no more. There are people who are addicted to people, they have to be around others 24/7 cause they need others to validate who they are or to get their self worth from them. And there are those very reserved, quiet yet quite content with their own company. And then there are those in the middle and those who struggle. The best way i know how is to go outside for a walk. I wave to a car passing by, i wave to those on their porches or others walking by. I even chit chat with other walkers. It is as easy as that. A passing thought to share with a stranger and a smile. You can practice this in a mall, a laundry mat, a grocery store, anywhere. It is perfecting it until reaching out and talking becomes first nature. It just takes practice. tc and blessings

Thanks. Yes, I need something with not too much socializing, but also not with no socializing at all. For example, the movies group is just to facilitate access to some movies or shows, but it doesn't seem like organized other than that. As I understood, from the group's description and emailing the organizer, there is no meeting before or after the movie or show. I'm not interested in movies/shows per se. I need the socializing element. I'm still exploring, because not all cities have the same activities. This group I joined has an activity evening next week. Even though I don't know any thing about what they will be playing. But it's a random activity and the organizer told me beginners can join. So, I'll go and see.

Thanks. You seem like more on the introvert side of the introvert-extrovert spectrum.

Today I saw a man reading while walking on the side walk, and I was really intrigued to ask him how he does that. I wanted to ask him this question, but I didn't. I'm not like you omegalamed, not yet, but I hope someday I'll reach that point. I joined meetup because talking is part of the meetings. Practice, that's what I'm after. I'm just afraid to be embarrassed because my social skills are rusted, and below the level to be able to socialize normally.

The movie ones I used to belong too went to lunch before or after movie, I thought it was wise as even strangers could discuss what they just watched.

Let us know how that goes with the group you joined. Sometimes it takes few tries. Couple of groups I tried weren't working for me over the years. Two that I belong to right now are good, I just do not have the time to do it too often

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I've had a lot of fun with meetup groups. I even made short films for local film festivals. Good for you for getting out there!

----------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, I can so relate to what you wrote! Apparently my name says it all. I have been on meetup for maybe 4 or 5 years so far? Every group is different. Some are more relaxed and less cliquey than others.

I'm also terrified of rejection or seeming nervous. Despite having social anxiety around strangers, I sucked it up, said hi to people, and most people have been nice and polite in return. I have been ignored quite often in large groups, but when you're not a really outgoing person, large groups can be quite intimidating and hard to socialize in.

Try meetups with smaller groups or movie, hiking, walking ones like a few others have suggested. The ones that I'm in for my movie groups usually has a group discussion after the movie. I only stayed to talk about it a few times since its' so nerve wracking for me to talk in large groups.

Not even the valium helps at times- I can mostly appear OK on the outside, but on the inside, I'm usually a bit anxious. Basically just go to a few groups. If you don't like it, make an excuse to leave early and attend a friendlier group, or one that you like better.

Try saying hi to people. I have made the first move at a few meetups by approaching a few of the quieter women. And we clicked, so we ended up becoming good friends. I even met a former best friend at one. I'm still good friends with one quiet woman that I met at a movie meetup.

Don't wait for other people to approach you. Sometimes you have to be brave and make the first move. Some groups aren't that great, but the thing is to not take rejection to personally. It's easier said that done of course. You need to take risks in order to make friends. So go out to a few groups and see what happens! Talk to other quiet people who seem shy. There are also groups for introverts and shy people too, so join those. Small groups are usually less intimidating, so attend those first. Take baby steps.

Then eventually invite them out for coffee or lunch one on one, or a movie if you end up clicking with them. The worse that they'll do is say no, but I've never had anyone not give me their number before ever.

@Wandering Soul, also, post a real pic of yourself up. If you don't like how you look in pics, then wear glasses and a hat, and only include your face in it or something like that. The point is to have people remember and recognize you. Take tons of selfies and choose the best one. Smile in it and try to appear relaxed and happy. I've taken a few of these pics after having a few drinks which helps, LOL!

Thanks. Yes, I guess it can be fun. But I need to find the right one or two for me.

Anything you have an interest in, there's probably a meetup group for it. I am actually more comfortable doing things than just pure social groups. I think if you just look at it as a new experience and possibly making new friendships, you won't be too disappointed if it's a bust.

Thanks. Last week I went to two language meetups, one was good, the other one not as good. The reason for that, in the first group we were only 4 on one table. I prefer small groups. Also there was this man who was very educated and knowledgeable, and we had many common topics we could talk about. The other one was more chaotic (we were around 14 or so in one long table). It was noisy, and I wasn't very comfortable. So, yes, I prefer small groups in closed spaces. But it also depend on the people. I joined an introvert group, and seeing what they have to offer. I have a full picture of myself (taken by someone else), and I'm proud of how I look .

There are many many groups. I'm trying groups that interest me and I feel I can fit in, and see how it goes. I just started last week. Yes, I'm not putting too much expectations. Just be loose and change the pattern. Thanks

You have the right idea, but look to join something that provides a little more structure. Look for something where you will be engaged in some kind of activity. Itgerwise the burden of trying to figure out what to talk to people about is too great. See if there are any groups going on walking tours of historic areas near you, for instance.

Yeah we have one that takes museum trips or small tours too. Those are good. Provided there are museums and historical places by you. Depends on the area

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I joined a couple of walking groups, they aren't exactly walking tours, they are more of sport groups. Now the weather is good for walks. There are meetings at a café at the end of the walks. With activities, I feel I need to initiate talks. Like if we walk together, I'm not sure how I should act. Probably I'll walk without talking since there isn't something to force me to talk except my willingness to talk. May be at the café I'll talk. I don't know. I'll try it one day and see. Thanks.

There are museums and historical places in my area, but I haven't seen groups arranging such walks. May be now in the spring and summer some people will create such groups. I would like to explore the city. Thanks

Wandering Soul, Just by the way you interact here, I see that you have a lot more social skills than you are giving yourself credit for.

I bet you can be just fine one-on-one with someone you trust and don't feel self-conscious around. Part of your trouble is you are imagining that other people are way more smooth and confident than they actually are. There's more people worrying about how they sound and what you think of them than you realize.

Thanks. I guess for me I have difficulties doing this. I manifest what I feel and think. I'm so self-conscious around people, as if all of them watching and judging me. The funniest part is that, when I'm around people, and become reserved, people probably take it as a sign that I'm not interested, so, they begin to avoid me, and distance themselves from me. For example, if I walk with a group, and didn't talk to any one.

You're right, my imagination is preventing me from connecting with others. But I'm also fragile emotionally, that many small things make me frustrated (probably it has something to do with me keep withdrawing, and not enduring them).

Thanks again.

I don't know if you're already working and don't have much time left over. But, when I was a teenager, I got a job in a nursing home. I was very in my shell and had no aptitude, at first, for the job. Then, having to take care of other fragile people changed me a lot.

If you have the time to do any kind of work in healthcare, it might help you to learn to connect with people. You sound like a caring and responsible person. Children's psych facilities are often desperate for staff. As far as I know, there are no special requirements, other than having a clean background check. You wouldn't have to worry about not knowing what to do with these kids. Most people have little idea, at first. But they'ld train you, and you might be surprised at what you could learn.

Consider anything that puts you in a defined relationship with people. Having a role to play and being needed can get you out of your head. Also, you would learn a lot working with people that have serious need for support. If not employment, maybe spending some volunteer hours somewhere . . . even helping serve food in a place that feeds the homeless.

Just a thought.

I have a full-time job, but I'll consider the idea. Thanks

---------------------------------------------------------------
Well, then maybe you should just stick to the smaller groups from now on. I hate large groups! It's really hard to connect with people and find others to talk to. Like I said before, it seems like you have to be an extrovert to be able to grab and hold other people's attention for more than a couple of minutes. It seems like there is always that one loudmouth that hogs the entire conversation most of the time, ugh!

They're so annoying! I don't think that people are judging you as much as you think they are. Even if they really are, ignore them. People like that aren't worth talking to or caring about. Try to open up more and talk to people. If you come across as being to aloof, then maybe some people will assume that you don't like them and avoid you because of that.

You need to prove to them that you're not unfriendly unfortunately. Try asking people questions, compliment others, try to make small talk, and try to smile at other people. It's hard, but you can do it if I can! And that's great that you are proud of the way that you look btw- And definitely try to talk to other people first. Don't wait for someone to approach you first. As I said before, look for another shy or quiet person to talk to.

Thanks. I should go out and try all these suggestions. I keep thinking about things without doing anything. I'll stop this. I'm looking forward for one meeting next week, where there will be an interesting activity. Hopefully it goes well

I was thinking about your saying how the group photos looked:
Remember, they have probably already been together to form that bond that showed up in the photo but being a meetup group there are always NEW people coming into the group & each of those came into the group at one time when they were NEW & didn't have the connection to the others created yet.

I started going to a ballroom dance class that had been started probably a year before I got involved. Everyone knew each other & the connection they had was wonderful to observe. I was the new kid on the block, the outsider wanting to come in.

I enjoyed the group for about a year before things came up that made it impossible for me to go until last summer when I was able to start going again. Many new people had joined in the time I was away & their new bonds had been created. I have been going this whole time with a few exceptions but it's an amazing supportive group & we all cheer each other on when we get the new steps & practice them together. I have grown so close to this group that even though our instructor started a group in my own town, I can't imagine leaving the wonderful dynamics that I have grown to have with the group in the neighboring town & truly miss the nights when I can't make it to class.

Though I started also going to the one local to my town because all my friends around my town are going to that because I was the one that talked them into hiring our dance instructor to teach here & I enjoy the group of people that I already know.

The thing is that bonds are made the longer you meet with a group of people & it takes time for those bonds to grow but they are amazing after about 6 months of getting to know each other & doing things together.

Be patient with yourself & just find something that you have an interest in because the others with that interest will interact & the bond forms naturally without the work that it takes otherwise.

AYou are overthinking things. Walking meetups are good. You can walk on your own, with another person or in a group and conversation just happens. If you are in an area where there is a lot of meetup groups try as many as interest you. If you don't like it after the first couple of times don't go again, but don't beat yourself up over it.
As regards the photos. Photos don't always tell the whole truth. People feel they have to put overly enthusiastic photos on social media.