Why does he do this to me?

Please forgive the childishness of my post... I respect all of you a lot, and I just don't know what to do.

Also for the record in the event it matters: I'm almost 21, he's 23.

I know he knows I like him. I accepted the fact he loves me but is not in love with me. I chose to be a good friend instead. Then he upset me and called me his best friend by default - since everyone else doesnt really communicate with him. Fine. I'll deal. Then he met my dog and the dog became his best friend. FINE. I'm just fine with that.

Why does he do this to me?

He's leaving for another frigging country in under a month and I dont know how to deal with this. He'll be gone for at least a year. Thats a long time. He told me that he doesnt keep in contact when he goes somewhere, and makes new friends and forgets the old ones.

That bleeping hurt.

He makes fun of me, fine. I can stand a bit of it because it's not malicious. He gets a tad physical when I poke and touch him. Nothing sexual, more like rough-housing. Fine. I can deal with that, I always wanted a brother of sorts. Sure I've had minor pain as a result, but no big thing. He can say the meanest things and not even realize (or doesnt appear to realize) when it hurts me.

He KNOWS how bad it will be for me when he leaves. He listens to me and just is a generally nice guy to talk to. I've learned a lot about him, and vice versa. We hang out more than I do with anyone else. We have fun. He's very talented in so many ways, and he genuinely tries to help me.

I don't know what I'm upset about - but this BUGS me. I love him. I do. I can't tell him, it'll ruin what we've got. I can't tell him, he doesnt feel the same. I can't tell him, because he'll leave me or hurt me. I have never felt this way about another person.

What the hell is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?

He keeps hurting me and sometimes I wonder if he's pushing me away deliberately or just wants to upset me. Not entirely maliciously, just see how much he can destroy this relationship.

Am I over-reacting, am I too emotional, too clingy, too annoying, too distant, too confusing? Am I making mountains out of molehills? Is this what all relationships are like at some point?

Am I doomed to always go after the unavailable ones, and chased by those that are controlling and kinda creepy?

So ends my pathetic relationship problems. Anyone have anything to say?

PLEASE HELP ME. I don't know what to do to stop hurting, all I want to do is cry right now.

(Edit: Okay, I became a sobbing mess and I saw something he posted on Facebook that was clearly directed at me and sent him an email trying to explain how I've felt lately regarding our relationship.... but in the event it falls through, I still would like anyone else's insights, PLEASE!)

if he was your true love, he wouldnt act like this

ditch his butt

Umm.....sounds like he's not a nice person. If your best friend told you that some guy hurt her all the time (physically and emotionlly) what would you tell her?

Tranquility

Why are you doing this to yourself? You know he wants only to be best friends, but you keep him in your life, even though he says and does things that are hurtful.

You write that you have accepted these things and yet it is clear that they hurt you.

Why are you keeping yourself in a situation that causes you pain? Perhaps his leaving and not keeping in touch will help you to move on.

Hugs and hugs and hugs.

Don't need to ditch him, he's going to be leaving me soon enough. Not my true love, not by a long shot but a person I really love and depend on.

thanks Inny.

Tranquility, what he does to me physically and emotionally is not nearly as bad as the crap I go through with my family. I'm used to his randomness, simply because he has problems trusting people and interacting (like myself). Odd people attract each other. hehe.

If this was someone else, I'd ask if they were comfortable with this - if they were, I'd leave them alone. If it got worse, then I'd tell them they were in an abusive relationship. But since we're talking about me... I'd say that because I'm lousy at explaining myself that I portrayed him at being much meaner than he actually is. Never write anything when you're an emotional mess - I need to learn that.

thanks

Don't know why I'm doing this to myself. I feel drawn to him, because even when he very rarely hurts me or says something mean - the rest of the time, I've only been this close to another person once or twice before.

Maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills. I don't know if I just want to forget him though. That will hurt too much. (Pre-anticipating much pain as a result of his leaving...)

thanks Wants2Fly.

Listen Christina, my ex-husband -- a youthful marriage -- was also my best friend. I thought I shared something intellectually special with him that no one else could duplicate. For 12 years after we split, we remained good friends, as he went through marriages and relationships. Secretly, I wanted to be that special person, but I wasn't.

Finally, I realized that he was having other relationships and I was not -- because he was toooooo important to me. I depended on him tooooo much.

After I cut things off, soon after I got into a relationship that lasted 15 years.

So, you can read this I'm projecting what I experienced onto your relationship and it doesn't apply to you. Or you can read this as experience from someone else who has experienced something similar and knows that we can hurt ourselves by staying in a relationship where the other person doesn't know the inward pain we are feeling -- and we cannot reveal it, because he will run for the hills if we say it.

So I repeat, we do it to ourselves. You will make the break when you are ready, and in my case it took a very long time to be ready and see how I was handicapping my emotions.

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Or you can read this as experience from someone else who has experienced something similar and knows that we can hurt ourselves by staying in a relationship where the other person doesn't know the inward pain we are feeling -- and we cannot reveal it, because he will run for the hills if we say it.

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Okay... sorry, I know I was being a bit defensive and mean. I just feel bad about all of this. Thanks (((((((Wants2Fly))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry to see how much you are hurting over this .. i know how much he means to you. It does sound like he is putting you through a whole heck of a lot ... and i think that you've done the best thing by sending him that email. I dont know exactly you're relationship, and i know that all relationships are complicated, but i do truly believe that truth is the best option. Not that you are lieing to him by any means, but unless you tell him of these things that are bothering you, he may not know. Some people just are not as observant of others feelings ... he may be able to in some aspects, but i'm sure he doesn't realise he's hurting you emotionally ... he's doesn't sound like the type of guy who would do that intentionally.

I may not know what it feels like to have a special guy friend that i have to leave ... but i do know how much it hurts when someone you love leaves you in some shape or another. It is not an easy feet by any means, but i know that you can get through this. You are so strong, and while it may be hurting you so much now, it won't always be this way.

Talk to him while he's still here, and do you best to let him know how you're feeling.

(((((hugs & love)))))))))
Jacq

(((((((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))))

Any kind of love that is not returned always hurts. I feel that
you are taking all this abuse because you think he might
change. Sorry to say, but most of the time, they won't.
Maybe the reason why he treats you bad is because you
let him.I know you love him, but do you really want someone knowing that they don't feel the same. You deserve a lot better ! It's his loss! Please try to move on
and start enjoying your life with people who like you and
treat you with respect.

Wishing you the best !

Oh my!

I forgot about this post. My bad.

Thanks (((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))

I want to stop crying over him all the %#@&#! time.

Once again it happened.

He sent me an email and we had a nice chat, so I'm okay with him - but I'm still NOT okay with him leaving me. He's leaving me. It hurts. I don't want to lose him. He's like a brother or my best guy friend ever. I have a tendency to overreact when it comes to him. But I miss him already.

Counting down... he's gone in about 3 weeks now.

I didn't think you were defensive. Just wanted to expand a bit.

I know you are hurting, and I am soooo sorry. Unrequited love is very sad.

Ouch Canders. I don't know what to say. I understand the confusion and insecurity, the hurt and the feeling of neediness.
It bites being in love someone who doesn't feel the same back for you. How could he say that he'll meet new friends and forget the old ones to you, though? Owwwwwwwiieeeeee!!!
That was just plain wrong and hurtful to you.
It was very mean for him to have said that. Was he kidding or dead pan serious when he said that to you? (((((((Canders))))))))) That sucks, Canders. That really sucks.
I'm sorry. I hope you find someone else who's more worthy of your attention and affection. Him leaving may be the best thing for you if he doesn't genuinely care about you.
It'll open up your time for another. I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand it hurts. There's nothing anyone can say or do though-it's something only time can heal.

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Pickle said:
Ouch Canders. How could he say that he'll meet new friends and forget the old ones to you, though? Owwwwwwwiieeeeee!!!
That was just plain wrong and hurtful to you.
It was very mean for him to have said that.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand it hurts. There's nothing anyone can say or do though-it's something only time can heal.

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Yes, it hurts that he said this. OTOH, what if he didn't disclose this, and Canders goes on waiting for him to respond to her attempts to stay in touch?

As well, perhaps at some level he know that Cander's feelings are greater than his.

Maybe he didn't have exactly the most tactful words -- but how many of us do know exactly how to say something something like this in exactly the best way? Because of his honesty, Canders knows where she stands. She can heal and move on. Hoping that he wants to stay in touch in a meaningful and important way because he hid the truth would have kept the wound open and festering.

Ouch, yes, this hurts. A lot.

I care, Canders, and hope you'll keep us posted as you heal and have new adventures and make new friends.

Canders,

He's not doing this to you...You are doing this to yourself.

I know you are fragile and young but it is time you faced some facts. I have replied to you previously in regards to this topic and your thinking has still not changed and in fact you are in a worse state of mind. In fact, you are still in denial. This is being extremely unfair to yourself, to him and to your mental health. It is time you start listening.

As mean as his words are, he is trying in his own bumbling way to tell you that his feelings for you are no where near what yours are for him. You deserve to be able to be set free to find a man who will love you for you and one that will not treat you poorly.

Hunny, I really resented your comment about having a bad family and poor parents too...just because you have these people in your life, doesn't mean you can excuse poor relationships with others too. You should take the examples of poor relations and move forward determined NOT to repeat the past. Take a look at your parent's relationship and the way they treat you and ask yourself if what you are doing to yourself in your current relationship is anything similar. I can assure you that I see co-dependancy in your writing and the only thing you really need in your life right now is to find yourself....Not hang onto a man who doesn't want you.

No man that is worth anything would ever make you cry unless he is proposing marriage and whipering beautiful, sweet nothings. I cannot tell you one instance when my current bf of 3 years ever made me cry...except when he presented me with a very lavish gift. Those were tears of joy. Love is happiness and joy...not anger, lowering of self-esteem, beating yourself up, confusion, or nothingness. You should feel confident and forward enough in your relationship to know that if he were to go for a year, he would not be cheating, he would be back for you, and it would only be a temporary time away. All indicators show that he doesn't intend to be back for you and in the only way he knows how to tell you, he is trying to prepare you but you refuse to listen. Please take his word for it. He is only trying to help, even if his way of helping is so hurtful.

He fully intends to move on and he fully intends to let you move on to. He doesn't want you waiting and pining for him while he is away because he intends to meet other women on his travels and he wants you to move on to meet other men while he takes this time away.

Have you considered that perhaps part of the reason he is going for this lengthy trip is to make this break from you clean???? IMHO it's the very best thing for the both of you and after some time apart you will see where our words are coming from.

Cander, it is time to come out of the denial and start listening. No matter how many times you ask the same question and no matter how long you spend pining over a bumbling idiot...the end result will still be the same. Take control of your life. I wish we had a different answer for you but unfortunately this is not the case.

RE: AmateurBombTech



What are you thinking now, Canders?

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What are you thinking now, Canders?

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That it doesn't matter. He's gone August 4th. I love my friend. It's killing me that he's leaving.

I am well aware that I attach to people in sometimes inappropriate ways. I am also aware that I push away people who try to get close which is why the fact that I am so close to him is a miracle in itself. Believe me, I am so sick of myself for pushing away everyone who tries to help, and I'm not at all regretting turning down other guys who have tried to tell me that they like me and wanted to date because they weren't right for me. I know he isn't either, but he's kind of guy that I wish more of my friends were like.

Maybe I don't deserve the treatment he gives me, but once again I have been abused by people who are supposed to love me unconditionally (aka my family). (Which now that I think about I won't list how they've hurt me, because it is slightly irrelevant). He at least doesn't hurt me maliciously and apologizes when I confront him about his treatment of me.

Maybe I'm acting like an idiot and I know for sure that I have no idea how to react around him and treat this situation because NOBODY has ever paid me this kind of attention. He makes me feel like someone actually cares about me.

I know he doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm not going to be in denial about that anymore. So thank you for that, truthfully. I know I will find a nice guy out there somewhere, but I will never forget the lessons that this experience has taught me:

1) I deserve to be loved and cared about, even when I act like an idiot (and/or feel that I don't deserve it, and when I push people away)
2) I am special and a good person and a good friend (as he, and others have told me countless times)
3) And thanks to all of you... that I do not deserve someone who is abusive even if I feel differently.
4) That I need to learn to trust people more and learn how to better control my emotions and not always act so irrationally.

((((((((((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))))))))



Edit: I should also say that he has promised to attempt to keep in touch now and that he will most likely be returning in about a years time. I know our relationship is going to be changed by all of this but I don't think I mind. It hurts like hell right now, but I will get through this one way or another. I have to, because I can't sit on the sidelines in my life waiting for a guy who will never love me like I love him.

Maybe I'm just too immature for relationships. Maybe I need to work on myself more right now and be happy being me instead of seeking others who will help me and support me all the time.

Thank you to each and every lovely one of you who responded in this thread. This has been a learning experience and I appreciate all of your advice and support - even if I may not entirely agree with it. But that's okay, I asked for help and advice and I got it. At least it forced me to think about my relationship with him a bit.

Edit: Also very very sorry for the length of this post.

Hi Christina -- What a pleasant and uplifting post. I am so happy that you are resolved to move on and put yourself first.

<font color="#000088">I know how much it hurts to have your best friend move away, that you love very much. I don't mean an intimate love,you know? But in some cases when someone that loves you as well is moving away,it's also hard for them to. So they might say things they don't really mean,thinking it'll make it easier for them,when they leave. Kindof a way to push the other person away,because they know that leaving them is going to hurt enough with the love that they share. So there are people that will try to sabotage the relationship right before they leave, as an attempt to try to make it easier to leave them when they move away. This may not be the case in your situation, but just for general information on human behavior, some people do that!
I certainly hope this isn't the case in your situation, but at least keep your mind open that even these individuals only do it to protect themselves from getting hurt any further, I mean their heart being broken!
((((((((((Canders))))))))))
I wish you the best in this situation,and hope things work out for you.I'm sorry you're having such a tough time!
J</font>

((((((((((((Wants)))))))))))))))

((((((((((((Justice))))))))))))) - You know, knowing my friend... it is probably what he's doing since I would probably do the exact same thing in his situation. I never knew how much it hurt though to be pushed away like this... makes me reconsider doing it to people, it really does.

<font color="#000088">I know how bad it hurts. When I moved to California, awhile ago, some of my friends that I was really close to did the same to me. They just all the sudden stopped inviting me to their parties for some reason. They were acting kindof weird around me, like really distant. When we had been really close before they found out I was going to be moving. Then they just changed on me, like a switch went off in their brain. They just didn't want to get any closer,because they knew I was leaving. And it hurt more than anything, but atleast I understood later why they did it. It didn't make it hurt any less, but I just understood it better. So I knew that I hadn't done anything to cause their behavior, except for plan on moving! But I've been on the other end also, and had a loved one move away from where I am, and that hurt as well. But I knew not to push them away. It hurts either way!
((((((((((Canders))))))))))
J</font>