Not taking advice when you've asked for it.

I'm feeling REALLY frustrated with my sister at the moment.

She constantly asks for my help, opinions and advice. She says all the right things, she wants help, she needs it, she goes to the doctors surgery and ticks all the boxes, BUT she never actually takes my advice or listens to what I've said.
Then a week later she'll be complaining about the same things which I find annoying and really quite ignorant.

*Why do I, and why does she constantly waste my time? Is this her reaching out for help? Wasting my time for the attention or sympathy?
Don't get me wrong, it's not just my sister. I've actually come across many friends who act in a similar way and I find that just as annoying. I'm starting to wonder if this is something people do when they want help, but not enough to take steps in the right direction? Or if it is as simplistic as wanting or needing attention? Validation for what she's feeling?

As annoying as I find it, I still want to help. Is there a way of breaking through this behaviour to actually help her? Or is this behaviour, when indulged, could only get worse? If it's about validation I'd be happy to help, and continue to offer my support, but I can't do it all the time. Especially when it's the same problems over and over again. I'm exhausted.

Forgive me for saying this, but I think you are looking at this in a rather misguided way. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I look at such situations wrong and you have it right - but I'm not upset by it, and that's got to count for something. You seem to believe that when people ask for advice, they are asking you what they should do. When I ask for advice (which admittedly is not very often) I am asking for an alternate way of looking at my problem. The decision on what to do with my problem is still mine. "What would you do?" is not a preface to me giving up my autonomy.

You said something above that really stood out to me. You said, "...when they want help, but not enough to take steps in the right direction?" Obviously you think it is the right direction, or you wouldn't have offered the advice, but you seem convinced that it is the right way for them - and I think this is what is causing your consternation.

I become exhausted when I become emotionally invested in the results. If I give my advice freely, expecting nothing in return, I am not easily tired. Changing dysfunctional habits is usually a process. You may be helping her prepare for change that she is not quite ready to make yet, but is getting closer emotionally because of your continued support.

I personally believe people with insecurities will behave this way. In my opinion, it probably is for validation Butterfly. Set some boundaries, tell your sister and friends you need some space. You deserve it.

I wrote this with frustration at the forefront of my mind. I should have explained that this has been going on for years, and it's a cycle of the same problems. I didn't mean that 'this is my opinion and you have to listen to me, if you don't then I'm exhausted with you'
It's more, I've given you every perspective, every side of the problem and offered every solution I can possibly think of and I know we're going to have the same conversation almost word for word next week.

I do really appreciate what you've said, I just wanted to clarify I don't expect anyone to take my advice, and I'm not upset that she hasn't listened to me, I'm frustrated that the conversation is always the same, and I've exhausted all my solutions and perspective. I fully agree with you, if you ask for advice it's usually because you need another way to look at things.
For me, I'm tired of going in emotional circles, I feel like she hasn't listened or heard me, it's easier to ignore all advice (she does it to my step mum too), she asks for advice, but rarely takes action to make a change. It's been about 7 years we've been having this particular conversation.
Right now, I'm asking when is enough, enough?

But like I said, if I can offer support to her I will, but maybe there's a different way to approach it?

You could discuss in a friendly way the repetition of the discussions.

You know, we've had this same conversation, or very similar conversations, many times over the years. I'm wondering whether these conversations help you--and if so, how?

At this point I think that's my only option, I just suck at talking to people about difficult or hard situations. I'm definitely going to try your way.

Hello Anglo: The Skeezyks' personal opinion is that pretty-much no one really wants advice, or help. They say they do. But the reality is they really don't. They ask for advice &, when you give it, they then proceed to enumerate all of the reasons why the advice you offered was wrong or inappropriate, or whatever. I have encountered this sufficiently, here on PC, that I typically no longer offer advice or suggestions even if someone asks for it...

Sometimes I think that people just need a way to find the courage to make their own decisions, to find that sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail but it's all a learning process.

When my kids would always call me to vent and for advice, many many times it was for the same problem or same kind of problem over and over again. At that time, I was giving advice. Then, I realized I was attacking things the wrong way. Instead of giving the advice, I started asking them how they thought they could handle something. What supports were available in the community that might be helpful to them. We would research things and talk about them and ultimately, they started to find the strength and have the know-how to find their own way through their issues.

Helping them to become more self sufficient was a better answer than giving advice. They got their needed courage and some self esteem back and now I have kids that look first and ask for advice second (for the most part).

Maybe that may help your situation too. Just know that it takes time for someone to learn how to do this for themselves. We need a level of patience and support to give to them for this to work.

I wish you well!

I think that's another good way to go about this. Help her help herself. Thank you.

I agree with steps mentioned to get her onto a more autonomous path. I'm thinking, based upon those that I've seen this happen with is that it's not the validation that's needed. It's the equivalent of being in a victim mindset of sorts. The mention of insecurity makes sense as it includes a lack of sense of independence.

Her crisis of the day/hour/week/month belongs to her. It's even ok to say,"I don't know." "what do you want to do?" "how are you going to handle this?"

Conversing with you might give her some sense of crutch. But it's not a set of wings.

This reminds me of my sister as well. I tell her what to do to get better (she suffers from mental illness as well), which is mainly telling her to stay away from people at the moment who make her worse, but she listens for a short amount of time then crumbles! Or she ignores other advice. Then again, when I give any advice, I can't listen to my own advice. Must be in the genes except it's my own advice I ignore. That's just sad. I pray she will start to listen to your advice. While she needs to make her own decisions, and you can't push your ideas on her, imagine yourself in her shoes, what she has gone through, and try to imagine what she feels. Be honest, but don't push. You have different view from her. It will take time. Good luck.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Thank you, I am so much like you. I don't take my own advice especially when it comes to my sister. I try and advise her, go to the doctor. Tell them the truth, ask to see a T, be honest. My sister instead goes to the doctor and for whatever reason, the doctor won't refer her to see a T, they gave her anti-depressants and left her to it. I know this sounds horrible but sometimes I feel like there's jealousy over my treatment and healing because she doesn't have a T and I do. She triggers me in the sense that she knows I have anorexia and she'll tell me that I've put on weight and look better with a fuller face and wider hips. With the PTSD she'll ask me about an event in my past and the majority of the time I'll have a flashback or blackout. I've asked her not to, but she does anyway.
My T told me to stay away from her, but she's my sister and I love my nieces and nephews, I don't want to distance myself but I know a little bit of distance wouldn't hurt.

I try and tell my sister how I got a T, I was honest and I told the doctor I won't survive on my own anymore. A few weeks later I had a permanent T. That's all I want for my sister is someone would is in their right mind state who can help her. I'm frustrated because there's nothing I can do, and going around in circles is emotionally damaging me. I should take my T's advice and give myself some breathing space.

Yeah. My sister sees a psychiatrist, but she doesn't really talk to him, which defeats the whole point. I see a psychologist, and it is hard to talk, but I write things down that he reads and then we talk about it. I just want to get better. When I get in a bad fight with my brother or sister, they like to bring up my so called OCD to make me upset. I hate it enough. Bringing it up makes me feel awful! Trust me. You aren't alone in this! Just stay on track. As every tells me, even though I don't use this myself, just focus on yourself before anyone else until you get better. We people are I'm a fragile state, and we can't afford to be pushed off track. Just hang in there! Try to still hang out with you niece and nephews but at the same time distance yourself from what your sister says. Just filter it somewhere. Maybe that will help.

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Thank you, I'm going to try and take your advice. Filtering and distance.

I like Sabby's idea of helping the person find the solution that will work for them rather than telling the person what to do. It empowers the other person and keeps you from taking responsibility for their decision.

For those folks who keep repeating the same complaint about the same problem week after week, month after month I have two different approaches. For some I'll ask if they are actually looking for suggestions or if they just need to vent. For those who claim to want help I'll point out that I've offered every suggestion I have to offer and have no more to give. Then I drop it.

I believe there are some folks who just like to piss and moan about life. They don't really want to solve a problem. They get something from gripeing. That doesn't mean I have to put my time and energy into it.