Am I pretty much doomed?

I just don't know how to approach girls. I am really starting to believe this is something that can't be learned. I can just never think of what to say. I am not even good at thinking of things to say when I am with my friends, let alone when it is some random girl at the gym whom I have no reason to be talking to. Now I am 28 years old and I have never had any dating experience. But I still absolutely REFUSE to settle. There have been girls I have known who clearly liked me and I could have dated then, but I didn't because they weren't the ones I was interested in. I think I deserve better than to settle for someone I am not really into. I INSIST on dating the girls I really want or nobody at all. And why shouldn't I? This is what girls do.

So is it pretty much hopeless for me? Do guys like me only find a girlfriend by settling for whatever comes their way? Am I just not meant to pick and choose like other guys do?

First of all, you deserve what you think you deserve. If you think you deserve to be with someone you want to be with, then that's what you deserve. In other words, no one can tell you what you deserve.

Second, what you are experiencing in having difficulty knowing how to approach someone is common. I know that doesn't fix anything, but a lot of people have the same difficulty. I've been married for thirty years and I find it really easy to start up a conversation with just about anybody.

If you notice someone coming to the end of a workout on a machine, you could always say "the last 5 minutes are the hardest aren't they?" Then just keep walking away. That way you can't be rejected. Now you've practised speaking to someone. If you see them again it might be easier to talk to them. I think most people, especially women, don't like the confrontational aspect of someone talking to them. They don't want to have to reject someone, although some women don't care about blowing someone off.

If you speak to someone and then walk away, there's no threat, but there is the potential to speak to them if you see them again down the road. It also opens the door up for them to speak to you.

Just make sure you say something appropriate for the walking away part, like:

Doesn't it feel great when you get to the end of the workout?
That machine can be temperamental.
You seem really determined.

Anyway, you get the idea. Be genuine with your comment, but keep walking away. If she's interested (and available), you've opened the door for her to talk to you, without the worry of instant rejection.

Nobody has to settle.

Yes you have the right start, never just settle! Life is too short. I don't care what age you are, be with whoever meets your needs in all areas. As far as sparking up convo, I'm pretty good at even making strangers laugh lol. I guess it's the gift of gab! Start small, not a pickup line! At least not for me that is. Hey maybe some chicks dig cheesy lines but I'm guessing most don't. Maybe even try an online dating site If you're open to that. At least there they can match you up with someone compatible with your likings.

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I just find social situations awkward and don't know what to do. Normal people seem to not have this problem. Here is an example:

There is this girl at the gym who works at the front desk. She is really friendly with me even when she is not on the clock and is working out and sees me there. I hadn't seen her on a few weeks. Today as I was leaving I saw her at the front desk. She was folding towels and talking with a coworker. As I was walking towards the area, I notice her look in my direction. I waved and smiled. But she apparently didn't see me because she didn't return my respond and she turned back around, looking out towards the entrance. I wanted to say greet her on the way out and I actually had it planned what I'd say, I had been preparing for this possibility before even seeing her there. But then with her coworker there talking to her I just felt it would come out very awkward if I walked over and said something to her. And even simple things like the way she is positioned facing away from me makes things it more awkward for some reason. I feel like when I try to talk it often ends up coming out in a weird way so in these situations I feel anxious that this would happen and she would think I'm a weirdo. So I ended up just walking by without saying anything. She was swiping someone in, but then when I was halfway out the door I hear her say "byyyye" in a friendly way. I am not sure if that was meant for me or for the guy walking behind me. But I feel like it may have been rude of me to just walk out without saying anything to her. This is the kind of thing I am talking about.

Maybe she has a bf already?? When guys try to be friendly with me I keep the convo very short Cuz I know my bf would be upset. Or maybe friend her on fb if you have one. Then you can find out if she has a fb that way. Ask her questions about herself but nothing heavy. Maybe she simply can't get involved with a customer. Or maybe move on alltogether. Plenty fish in the see!

I think you missed the point of the post. She did not blow me off or ignore me. She is actually really friendly with me whenever she sees me. She simply didn't see me and I didn't approach he because I didn't know how to go about it without it being awkward. This is something that happens pretty often for me.

I think your premise is wrong . . . that most people don't settle. I believe in the old analysis that the dating world is one big "market" (meat market, if you will.) We all have a value - on the market. You have to realistically know your exchange value and, then, go after what you, realistically, can get - based on what you have to offer. If you lack social skills, it brings down your exchange value. So you go after potential dates in an exchange "bracket" similar to your own . . . or you stay lonely. That's the reality of life. People who date successfully embrace that reality.

No thanks. I think I deserve better.

Everyone deserves some common things from a relationship: love, trust, respect, etc.

Other expectations may very well be reasonable, but others might be totally unrealistic.

For example - I may think I deserve someone rich, fit, and willing to support me so I can be a housewife. Is that realistic? Definitely not. I don't deserve those things, they are just fantasies (not my actual fantasies btw, being a housewife makes me cringe!). If I was to hold on to my fantasies, whatever they are, then I am going to miss out on a lot or possibly all opportunities which might lead to me being happier than I could believe.

You really have to look at your desires with a critical eye. It isn't settling on someone to not have them meet all your dream criteria. My dream guy? Totally unrealistic for me to hold out for him. But some aspects are valid things I expect - for example, I wouldn't get involved with someone who was terrible with their money, or who wasn't a hard worker. I don't expect them to be rich, but I also know that I am not willing to completely support someone else financially. I work hard and have good management skills. I also would not get involved with someone extremely religious as I am an atheist - unless he had zero intentions of trying to convert me. Same with someone sexist or racist - I completely disagree with those belief systems and would not remain with someone who was either.

As to the girl at the counter - I wouldn't have gone up and interrupted someone's conversation just to say hi either. I see people I know and like and yet respect their interactions with others. I think it was respectful of you to just go past.

I think I deserve better than someone who is only dating me because they can't get someone better, which is basically what the poster above was suggesting. Of course the premise is flawed on multiple levels and I don't feel like going into that right now.

I don't think my standards are unrealistic. I am attracted to lots of different kinds of girls. I am not going for Victoria's Secret models or anything. The girl at the gym is perhaps one of few conventionally hot girls I find myself interested in.

You're not doomed.
You have standards, and honestly almost everyone does. It's okay to feel that you don't want to settle down just yet. When I was younger, I never had a boyfriend because all the ones that did ask me out I didn't see my future with, or felt they didn't want anything serious. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 20 years old, I had no social skills, very shy and some how I automatically knew he was the one I would share many moments with because of how comfortable I felt with him and now years later we're engaged.

I feel that maybe you just haven't come across that person. Once you do find that person, it's not that they're going to be perfect, but you balance out the good and bad within time. Sometimes it happens unexpectedly in different situations, when you're not even looking for someone.

I think the key here is what you mentioned, "I insist on dating the girls I want or nobody at all", ask yourself what is that you truly want?
Does she have to be someone you're more physically attracted to, or someone who looks ok but you feel comfortable with..etc.

I don't think one needs to settle. But when needs to be realistic. And one needs to have priorities lined up.

If you are looking for a hot models only and won't settle for ok looking girl then you might spend your whole life looking.

If you are looking for a good person then certainly you shouldn't settle for some evil biatch.

So depends what you are looking for. Are you talking about looks or human quality? I personally care for human qualities and intelligence and don't care about looks. So if my partner is average looking it doesn't mean I settle. It's just not important to me.

What qualities are you looking for?

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Personally, I don't see the harm in going out on a date with someone who is interested in you. Going out on a date is not a lifetime commitment. You might be surprised at what you find. But even if you are not, you will have gained some valuable experience.

Well, you have achieved the second part of that statement: you have never dated. How satisfied are you with where you are right now? If you are satisfied, well and good. If not, perhaps a change of course is worth considering.

I agree with A Red Panda. It sounds to me as though you handled this situation appropriately.

You may feel that you are speaking in a weird way, but that doesn't mean that others feel the same way. Our feelings often are untrustworthy guides! The fact that this particular woman is consistently friendly to you makes me think that she is not looking at you as a "weirdo". As I said, I think A Red Panda had a good point about this specific situation, However, if you always walk by people without saying anything, people will begin to think that you do not wish to speak to them, and they will honor that wish. If you want to have contact with people, you must take the risk and actually have contact with them!

It is your choice: you can stay away from women on the theory that you won't settle--or you can take the risk and speak to people, and learn/grow from the experiences--and with time and luck find someone where there is a mutual attraction.

You've rejected girls that you didn't even take the time to get to know. I know of some very strong, happy relationships where one party or the other started out thinking that the other party wasn't that attractive or interesting and then, after some time with the other party, fell head-over-heels in love.

The reason you have a hard time knowing what to say to girls is that you don't take much of an interest in finding out what's below the surface. You kind of are dooming yourself.

How to Make Girls like you and Get a Girlfriend | eHow

Hi Shadix, you are not doomed, you just need to "learn" how to approach and talk to girls that you are attracted to. You are not alone with this challenge either.

There are suggestions in the link posted above, but you could do a search yourself and click on different links to see what suggestions might help.

One of the suggestions I came across was asking a girl for a favor to break the ice. I thought about how one could do that and one thing I thought of is approaching a girl that you find attractive and say, "Hi, my name is X and I am wondering if you could help me with something. I need to get a gift for "name a female, mother, sister, friend" and I am notoriously at a loss so, I thought I would ask for some suggestions. You could even ask the girl what a good perfume would be to get a female you are trying to get a gift for and where to go to find it.

You could go on to say, "Well, I am 28 now, and chuckle a bit and say, I think I need to learn how to develop some talents for gift shopping which is something I have avoided. Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't care, I have just been busy with college and then name some things you "have" been doing. That can open a door to this girl talking about what college she has attended or what she has been busy with in her life. Girls typically love to talk about themselves, and if this girl does open up a bit, make sure you look "interested" in whatever she talks about "what she is in to".

If you happen to see an attractive girl at a gym for example, if you can get near her in some kind of workout, you can make sure you have a bag with you, set it down and ask her if she would watch it while you quickly run to the restroom. Then exit and wait a few minutes and come back expressing gratitude that she agreed to help you. Then you can say, "Thanks, oh, by the way, my name is X, what is your name, and she says, Y and then repeat her name, "well, X, thank you for watching my bag for me", hope I did not interupt your workout routine.

If you see a group of girls, and one that you are attracted to, you could approach the "group" with a question about perfumes as a gift. Now, if the other girls answer and not the one you are attracted to, that is ok, allow this girl to see that you are intently listening to the answers her friends give you. And you can begin to ask their names, try to remember their names and repeat them, and see if this girl offers hers, then repeat hers, and say, well X, what perfume do you like to use and where do I find it. See if you can have some way of writing it down. Then you can say, "well, the one thing I did manage to come up with is perfume, but I am at a loss after that and maybe these girls can offer some additional ideas. Perhaps as the conversation moves forward you can laugh at how much you don't know, yet you do so want to learn.

You can even add in that the perfume might be for a female boss which can bring the conversation towards work that these girls can begin to talk about too.

So, often the best way to break the ice is to ask "advise" or a favor of somekind. Remember the names given to you and instead of boasting about yourself, put some things in about yourself, but, be most respective to whatever the girl adds to the conversation and learn to keep her talking about "her".

It's just something you have "yet" to learn.

Your question reminded me of my daughter when she liked a guy but when he called he had so little to say. I told her to keep a list of things to ask him, learn how to keep things going by his answers and when he stopped talking to be ready with another question from your list.

This guy liked my daughter, even told her years later that she was always the one girl he could talk to. He calls her every year on her birthday, and she had learned long ago, "how to keep the conversation going". It's about learning that's all. And believe me, you are not the only one trying to figure that out.

Once I played in my mind what to say to a girl I liked in a language class over and over again, but when I saw her, I didn't say anything but "hi, how are you?".

I think being spontaneous and genuine have a lot to do with it, beside not expecting anything. Making mistakes and being rejected are also inevitable. I also agree that we attract people as we are, not as we want.

I suffer from a similar challenge, but I know it's my own flaw. I get anxious, and I fear rejection, and my mind goes blank and I don't know what to say. Girls though expect me to approach them, and to offer them something, as simple as making them laugh, for example.

It's the way it's that men have to impress women. Of course, after the first impression other qualities follow if you're serious. For example, education and personality. But the first impression (look-wise like you're trimmed and clean, and character-wise like confidence and sense of humor), and the first move are important.

Thanks for the replies, especially those of you who posted really long ones, and even those of you I don't exactly agree with.

You are wrong on multiple levels. First off, I didn't "reject" anyone. These girls I am talking about didn't ask me out, they just showed clear signs of being interested and I did not pursue it because I wasn't interested. And what makes you think I didn't take the time to get to know them? One of these girls I was very attracted to physically at first, but then when I got to know her, I realized she is not the type I am into at all. You don't need to date someone in order to get to know them. However, there was one time where I got asked out by a female friend. She was nice and not bad looking, but I wasn't interested in her. However, I said yes because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. It turned out she and a couple of my friends were playing a trick on several guys and I was one of them.

But here is what's funny. I once suggested on here that a girl who isn't interested in me initially might develop feelings for me when she gets to know me. I had women on here accusing me of imposing myself on girls who aren't interested and not respecting their choice. They were adamant that if a girl wasn't interested, she won't become interested and that I should just give up on her. Yet here I am being told that I should date girls I am not interested so that I might become interested over time.

It seems to me like it is totally acceptable for average women to seek really high quality guys, but average guys are expected to seek girls, as the poster above put it "in their bracket". I don't see how this is fair or reasonable.

Well to me going out on a date or two with someone is mainly for fun, to explore, and to gain experience. These things, in my opinion, are worth having. Therefore my main thrust is to encourage you to speak with women who interest you or express an interest in you and ask them out, without paying too much attention to "bracket" or whether you are "settling" or "acting weird". Ask! In my mind you are not imposing yourself, or disrespecting a woman's choices, because if a woman doesn't want to go, she will say no.

I just think you will benefit from the experiences (positive and negative) that result from going ahead with dating. Besides: woman A may not be right for you, but she might know woman B.... or a woman who interests you might notice that you are growing from your experiences and become more interested in you...So my advice is to get into the arena!

Well if whatever you are doing isn't working then why not do something that others suggest?

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Funny how out of all the helpful posts people made, the one that everyone is "thanking" is the one accusing me of having unreasonable standards and saying I should date less attractive girls. Uh yeah, I thoroughly debunked that post in post 19.

Seriously, Open Eyes made a very long helpful post, and no "thanks" for her, but Rose76 makes a passive-aggressive attack, and everyone goes to hit "thanks" immediately. I think it is pretty clear what is going on in the heads of some of you, but I will keep it to myself to avoid being mean.

Both looks and personality play a role but there is more to it than that. There needs to be chemistry. There needs to be that infatuation, or "spark". I have met girls who I found physically gorgeous, but it just wasn't there, and I have met some who were just moderately attractive and it was there. I can't say I've ever developed feelings for a girl I didn't find physically attractive at all, and I don't think that will happen.

Something I am not sure if some of you realize. My only two motivations for wanting to date are infatuation and sexual attraction. Basically, when I get a crush on a girl, that is when I get the desire to have a romantic relationship. In the absence of that, the only interest I would have in a dating would be sexual. But that would be casual dating and not a relationship. Most girls are not seeking that. So basically, those of you telling me I should seek romantic relationships with girls I am not infatuated with are making no sense. I am not someone who is looking for a life partner or a baby-maker. Aside from infatuation and sexual attraction, I have literally no motivation for being in a relationship with a girl.

Well I was under the impression that you were seeking to date so as to find a girlfriend, as suggested by this remark:

And by your seeming dissatisfaction with never having dated.