Forgiven...now what?

Added some comments in there in ((()))) parentheses..

For me restraint is this.....no texting, no email out of turn.

And....when I think of lower expectation, it's not about forcing yourself to need less from a man, it's about where I expect things to go...

It's kinda take it or leave it, but without being a cold, ruthless...uh..bleep..

If he's busy, you're busy. You remain busy. Let him do the wondering. Not that we don't wonder, but let him start to wonder because you're a catch!

Less talk about relationship rules/expectations the better. Find other topics if you have to.

Just keep looking yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a catch!! It will sink in!! Then you'll start seeing why you are special and everything else that makes you you!

I actually don't know anybody who can just "chill" when it comes to dating especially early stages when it is unknown , neither men nor women. The only people could really chill are either the ones that date several people at once or just aren't invested.

Everybody else freaks out ( men and women) and is nervous and second guessing etc even when things are great from the very start, it is stressful because you aren't sure if you are missing red flags or what do things mean or other things Etc

some people just have better skills coping with "unknown" of these first stages or control it better or know how not to show it. But they freak out. I wouldn't beat yourself over feeling this way. Just watch your actions but I don't see these feelings as wrong or unusual

Now saying that it is s challenge with long distance because until you meet its hard to call it dating and it is scary to get invested too soon and not really know how the other is etc etc unless people decide to meet fairly soon I see how this could be so stressful ( I did long distance and it became too stressful and unmanageable for other reasons so was mutually agreed not to continue)

I would give it more time to see how things go but I don't think you need to lower your expectations but rather give it a little wait time to figure out was going on. Too soon to have a clear vision about it

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Thanks for the comments. I think some of the concerning comments were taken out of context. I said "I don't need to talk everyday," after his response to the boundaries thing was basically kind of an "I don't know...sometimes I get tired. If I don't feel so much like chatting, I'll just let you know. Other that that..." This is something he's always told me, from day one. And I ignored it sometimes, and the night I really did and pushed pushed pushed is the night he said it wasn't going to work and stopped talking to me a few weeks ago. Keep in mind, we've been in communication since 2004-5; we know a little bit of each other, at least.

Thanks for this! I've had a lot of people I've the years tell me that I tend to expect a lot out of people and situations, and I do. I maybe need to manage expectations rather than lower them.

The distance is hard. I told him that the other day. I said I wasn't going anywhere or doing a push-pull dance, but for me, it's a difficult thing. And he gets it. Idk what will happen. On the other hand, it helps me with restraint on some levels. At least, while I settle down a bit. And I'm settling. I am. (I'm telling myself )

He is very patient, which helps. But I don't want to be someone he HAS to be patient with, and then someone breezier comes along and he's like, oh...she's so much easier to be around, so refreshing...and then that's it with me. So I'm trying.

For myself it is about controlling my behavior when having doubts. That's chilling, to me. It's not his problem if I'm having a moment of questioning his intent.

As far as not hearing all day after regular contact, for me I want to trust that I'm a priority. I extend the same, definitely extend the same. I don't play games in relationships. Trippin raises a point about journals. Jot it down, busy myself, return to it. See if it needs addressing. In this thread we're talking about a decade or more of knowing one another. In long distance, spending time together matters for these moments. Can actually be rewarding and with a deep connection if both sides are willing.

You are doing a good job self reflecting.

I agree about managing expectations rather than lowering them. For example it's ok to bring concerns up in a polite manner no matter how stupid that concern sounds but it's not ok to voice that concern in angry or demanding manner etc ( that's something I personally have been working on for example instead of my rude and explosive which I tend to do at times like "how many times I have to tell you to wipe this counter after you make coffee " or something similar address minor concerns nicely and lovingly and then life is nice etc it doesn't mean I need to be ok with dirty counter, I just don't need to be a biatch about it.

So I personally think that after few days or weeks of wondering where it's going it will be ok to politely ask where he thinks it is going and then proceed depending on his responses

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Don't let that moment define the rest of it, however. So you got angry or whatever and he stepped back. At the same time, use caution in dangling that over you. He's fallible, too.

He's not dangling over me? I'm not sure where that idea came in. And I don't think he really stepped back...

Didn't he say he couldn't do this anymore? Aren't you the one who asked for forgiveness? Aren't you uncertain how to proceed tiptoeing around this piece of your history?

PS...in dangling over you...you are dangling that over you...not him

OHHHH I thought you said he was dangling it over me. I'm sorry!

Yeah, I pushed pretty stinking hard for a long time the day he was like RAWR! Done! All he asked was to just let the subject I was pushing lie for a bit. And I wouldn't. It was most definitely something I needed to apologize for.

I think you are doing the best you can. I applaud your willingness to put it all out here and consider any input. It takes guts and and insight.

Hugs.

Thank you. Well, my thought processes are a bit flawed when it comes to this. Perspective is, to me, invaluable.

It's done, it's over with, you've reconnected. You've apologized for your part and he sweetly accepted your apology.

Hopefully the two of you find a rhythm to this LDR.

Give yourself a pat on the back for the reconnection.

My suggestion, keep yourself busy. Maintain your friendships and social outlets. Focusing on work, yep.

It takes time to truly believe in the notion of the not "searching for another" aspect, I won't sugar coat that, whatsoever. It will take time with his actions not his words, therefore not much point in bringing up such a discussion more than say once...down the road after some weeks pass and maybe subtle statement of your bringing such reassurance in his direction.

Compliment the positive qualities of the relationship that bring you satisfaction. I don't really have a guidebook or all the answers for you, I am bringing personal perspective as I'm reflecting on a very recent conversation that I had with my friend. A friend that requires boarding a plane to see....sayin'...

I figure you've known your friend for a long enough time that such conversations aren't too soon...

I ended up having a little anxiety attack this morning (not quite panic, but I was a little mess) and I sent a message. And then I sent a subsequent one saying I was aware it was a dumb message to send at 830am and then I was honest: I said I was anxious, I was feeling stressed out from some work stuff, and I was having a difficult time putting my anxieties to bed over the past week and unfortunately they got the best of me. I said I don't want to push, and that isn't my intent, but for my own self worth, I also can't keep feeling anxious.

His reply was simply, "It's going to be okay. Really, truly."

I was okay with that this morning. And I feel like that should be enough. But it didn't answer any of the questions I had. I'm not anxious right now. But I feel like I will be again. At the same time, even if he answered the questions...more would probably pop up. He probably knows that. "It's going to be okay," is a cover-all.

I'm trying. Really, I am. I don't have a lot of people to hang out with. And right now, I'm so tired after work that I don't want to do anything. Not even any hobbies of any kind. (Seriously, I'm not depressed, I'm just exhausted.)