emotions of men

The Difference Between Sex and Love for Men | World of Psychology

Interesting article about how men can confuse their need for tenderness with sex.

My husband and I read the article together and we will both comment in this reply.

1st thing I said: But I did this. I did this to my husband for nearly 3 years - expecting him to show love through sex and if he didn't want to have sex with me for a night I was offended, felt fat, unloved, and suspicious that there was someone else.

My concluding thoughts: although yes, I still believe the role of what we expect of men in America limits there ability to express, I believe this is also true for woman (although somewhat lessened). As expectations of being equal enters the work area, and the home - the 'tender' emotions have less room, and are considered weak for both male and female. I also believe that more men today are allowed to lean on a strong woman as the sexes become equal.

1st thing my husband said (I typed what he said): But men feel pressured to have sex. For example, in my high school, a lot of times the girls would expect the guy to go to third or even fourth base before the guy wanted to. So that put it in guys brains that sex was expected.

My husbands closing thoughts (which he typed himself): It's actually a good deal for us, expressing tenderness just seems like a lot of extra effort. So for me, I don't feel bottled up, I don't get the urges to express or show tenderness. Maybe some men have more hormones than others, I do not know. What I do know is:: I dislike the feeling that I have to show certain emotions just because others expect it. Like traditional emotions, when someone tells me a relative of theirs passed away, why did they feel the need to tell me? Why do they expect me to show some tender feelings for "their" loss? I didn't know their family member so why would I give a damn about their loss? Shouldn't faking an emotion be worse than showing no emotion at all?

To summarize, we felt the article was based on a psychotherapists perception base on men who were her patients, and not the regular Joe. Also, the fact that the article expressly points out men as having this fault and not suggesting some women do as well is a flaw.

Addition: I really like and agree with what my husband said. I feel that in America cheerleading and showing support is too expected. I prefer honesty. When it comes to 'tender emotions' - for example, public displays of affection- my husband doesn't like them. Again, I thought that meant he didn't love me as much, but I found that actually, it was what society told me I should want (hand holding etc). When my husband looks into my eyes as we talk in the store (or wherever) I see humor, love, tenderness, like, compassion, empathy, anger, annoyance, secret sharing, and sometimes during arguments, the guarding, the veiling, the hiding of emotion if I am attacking he is less readable. The eyes are the windows to the soul - and his soul clearly loves me and he knows I see what his expression is, and it just makes him show me more when he feels safe. He doesn't need to hide what he feels from me because he is accepted for who he is, so his eyes aren't guarded like they were when we first met. My eyes have also become more honest as my being has become more secure in the fact that he loves me, flaws and all, and I can honestly be safe with my true self with him. We can show each other how we really feel without a lot of icing. Its just in a look. Complete trust, and acceptance. I am sure we have sex less then most married couples, but to us - what we have is natural and normal, and doesn't need to be ruled by what society says is normal. This is because my husband had a healthy understanding that sex is not love and taught me not to think sex = love. I was married before, and had sex a lot more often with a man who was abusive and did not love or accept me for who I am. If more people practiced acceptance, and broke free of societal roles, more people would feel safer to show all core responses in a healthy way.

^ Thank you for responding. I don't necessarily agree with the article either. I just posted it to provoke discussion.

Just something to talk about on a relationship forum. Another way of looking at things.

I am male and I feel the exact opposite as what this article describes.

Also, if this was about females, it would have been considered sexist.

I can totally see it. I don't think it is this way for all men, all the time. But we all know that men and women are wired differently when it comes to not just emotions, but sex. I think it's plausible. And I think I've seen it in action.

This is a gentle reminder asking all to please stay on topic and post supportively, or this thread may risk future closure.

I think that men and women CAN express their emotions differently. I think that some people in general have an easier time being physical in the bedroom. I loved sex with an ex, so much, partially because i loved him, and also because he wasn't affectionate outside of sex.

I just liked his touch.
I think men can definitely express themselves. Especially younger men.

"...he wasn't affectionate outside of sex." I wonder if that kind of goes along with what the article was saying? I don't know.

I was just discussing the article with my T today. She thought it was interesting. I mean, as a female, if I feel lonely or vulnerable, I don't think twice about asking a friend for a hug. I have never heard a man do this. Well, okay, I have one male friend who is a hugger--he's hugged me out of the blue when I've had a bad day. And maybe he asks his wife for hugs on the fly, I don't know.

Interesting to read. My parents were so dysfunctional I had no example of what a good emotional marriage relationship was like & my mom kept telling me growing up that my dad loved me. So i had no idea what any kind of emotional connection was like.

Then I married a guy who I thought would be nothing like my dad & ended up being exactly like him. My own marriage was so dysfunctional with such negative feelings for my husband I never had a desire to be with him..like he turned me off.

It wasn't until after I finally left & got really GOOD therapy & started researching the problems with my marriage after getting a suggestion of a possibility from a T I initially went to that I figured out what the issues had been with my H & then I realized my dad had the SAME problems & cause hor his behaviors. Very enlightening but realized there was just no way to connect or even communicate normally with them. It's interesting what other T 's like the writer of this think is normal or at least closer to normal than I could ever have experienced.

Let me guess...feminist?

It is funny. ^ I am a super feminist and I think men DO have emotions. I think there are definitely sensitive men.

It is the way we are socialized. A man who is too affectionate or emotional is labeled as a weirdo. Women are also socialized to be less affectionate towards men. Being an adult male is basically akin to being a slave. Men need to start defying their age and gender role, otherwise life is going to continue to suck for us.

"Women are also socialized to be less affectionate towards men..." In what culture? Because I was not socialized this way. Even with an emotionally withholding mother who hated men (because of her own traumas, dysfunctions, and what-have-you), I was heavily socialized by my foster family and the rest of society to be submissive, pleasing, and affectionate, because, society told me, this is what men want in a woman. Note that I'm not blaming this on men, I'm blaming this on those who were around me most, speaking into my life. And those people were predominately other women.

Fwiw, saying men have no emotions and male bashing in general is not a feminist thing. Feminists want to be seen as equal members of society, not less-than. Why would a true feminist bash the very people to whom we feel equal? It just isn't logically sound. Lots of women can call themselves feminists, but the word actually has a specific meaning.

"Women are also socialized to be less affectionate towards men..." In what culture? Because I was not socialized this way. Even with an emotionally withholding mother who hated men (because of her own traumas, dysfunctions, and what-have-you), I was heavily socialized by my foster family and the rest of society to be submissive, pleasing, and affectionate, because, society told me, this is what men want in a woman. Note that I'm not blaming this on men, I'm blaming this on those who were around me most, speaking into my life. And those people were predominately other women.

Fwiw, saying men have no emotions and male bashing in general is not a feminist thing. Feminists want to be seen as equal members of society, not less-than. Why would a true feminist bash the very people to whom we feel equal? It just isn't logically sound. Lots of women can call themselves feminists, and behave in all sorts of appalling ways. But the word actually has a specific meaning which isn't all that appalling or radical when you really get down to it.

Interesting food for thought ... It's left me feeling *I* might be male LOL

Lols......

Sorry, idk why my post went up twice...

No worries. I didn't used to know how to delete posts. Choose the edit button within 4 hours of posting a post, and on the bottom right under your text, choose delete, then verify your choice.

Once I was able to delete a post longer then 4 hours later, but I read 4 hours somewhere.

Hope this helps!

I know how to delete a post. Thank you, though. It was posted last night.

Oh sorry! :P Well, maybe it will help someone else.

Of course men have emotions and of course they express them. And of course many like and want affection. Etc Every man I was serious with did. Now certainly there are cold and emotionless men out there. But we can say same about women! Some are emotionless as well. There are differences between men and women but not as drastic. People are people

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I only have ever been with emotional and affectionate men ( in serious relationships/ marriage). I really doubt they are weirdos. Lol

And I have never heard of women socialized not to be affectionate. Says who?

Being a slave? Huh you kidding right

I agree. The only real difference is that men don't readily show their emotions. Once the men I've been with trusted me enough to open up, I was able to see a pretty full range. We cried together, talked about fears and insecurities...but it takes a hell of a lot longer than with just my female friends. Heck, I can grab a drink with a female acquaintance and we'll be bawling over some mutual feeling in a hour.

I wondered about the women socialization statement as well. I'm very affection with the man and I'm very much a woman. Most women I know are affection toward the men they love.

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Pardon my incorrect words. My phone autocorrects everything, even if it's not incorrect.

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