Not feeling married

I don't feel like I am married. My husband can't find a job and I am the financial provider. I come home from work and the house is not clean, dirty dishes in the sink, no dinner, nothing. Instead, I am asked what's for dinner? By the way, my husband can cook. He has done nothing all day but sleep. If he is not sleeping, he is on the computer chatting with random people or people on Facebook.
I come home, wash the dishes and make dinner for the family. We have three children. When they n Ed anything they come to me. I feel exhausted and tired of doing both parental roles as well as marital roles. I feel used. I don't feel respected because he constantly flirts with other women and I know it. He is more concerned with how other females are doing than me his wife. It hurts. I am so hurt and used. I don't feel married. Am I being selfish becUse I am posting this to random people?

Hi, Confusedandused, and welcome to Psych Central! I'd feel the same way in your situation. I assume you have told him how you feel. What does he say?

It's possible that he's dealing with some depression, plus his jobless state is affecting his sense of masculinity, hence the flirting. Have you always done more around the house than he has? (Alas, I think most women do.)

Have you considered bringing takeout home? Fixing more simple meals? Eating off paper plates? No woman can do everything around a home. You have to look after yourself and think about what things matter the most and take some shortcuts such as these ones. If your husband complains, then explain to him that you just can't do it all and would love it if he could at least sometime be the chef, etc. And praise him and thank him if he steps up.

Just some thoughts--probably more than you wanted!

In conclusion, you are not being selfish.

Again, welcome!

P.S. Even young children can help out some, such as doing some cleaning.

Your husband needs to look for some work...any work. He might be feeling depressed but his actions are totally unacceptable.

Mind you, I stayed in a bad marriage for 33 years but if it were me, I wouldn't cook for him, only the kids & they would be doing the cleanup & dishes as thanks for the meal they got.

I can understand depression after I lost my engineering career when aerospace in Ca crashed. I tried to find new work but nothing was available & no one wanted to hire someone so overqualified. I stayed home & did housework until I started to feel taken advantage of then I quit doing everything. Financially trapped in the marriage at that point because I hadn't gotten out when I could.

When we both worked, we would both put things where they belonged when we got home & buth organize for our cleaning lady. When I wasn't able to work, he would just dump things down & EXPECT ME to pick up after him. It made me hate him more than I already did. As long as you didn't do something like that to make him feel taken for granted then HE'S just being a JERK. Know that getting even never solves anything but it sure feels good when you are being treated the way he's treating you.

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach....maybe no food is a way of getting to his brain also?

Thanks for your input. He knows I have been frustrated and upset. He makes a joke and says he can't do it all. The housecleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. when he knows he does none of these. He has always been the breadwinner for our family. We moved and he has had trouble finding work. He was also told he was BP, but not sure. He takes his Meds and then he doesn't. I get mad when he doesn't because we start all over again. I say we because I have told him it affects us all, not just him. Sometimes, I feel he can't get over himself. His life is about him not us anymore. I don't feel married. Just going through the motions and feeling the hurt and burden.

Might be good to find a marriage counselor. I used my own psychologist we both went to together & apart but he was useless.

There is no excuse for joking around. Sometimes ultimatums work sometimes they backfire but when nothing else works sometimes we rely on threats...I suggest marriage counseling first.

I fought with my H from the time we were married. Couldn't figure out his issues until i left after 33 years. You are dealing with BP I was dealing with a H who was ASD (autism spectrum disorder). It is a struggle & I understand your frustration.

Being that I tend to confront & if that doesn't work, his laundry would never get done & he would be cooking & cleaning up his own dishes. Yep, sounds passive aggressive but when they don't want to listen, I call it consequences.

What do you love about him?

He doesn't work and doesn't help around and he spends day sleeping and talking to random women? Yeah. Can you kick him out? Or move yourself?

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When we first got married he was not like that at all. He was a devoted husband and father to my step children. When we had children together, you could not have asked for a better father or husband. Something changed in him, he said at one time he didn't know who I was based on a child custody issue with my son. Basically, my son wanted to live with his dad and I had a hard time letting him go. My husband could not understand this. There were some hard times we went through with the exhusband and his wife. My husband thought I had issues with not getting over the divorce. But, I told him, my problem was the mental abuse my ex gave me for 9 years. Making me feel not good enough for my kids or anything. He treated me like I was stupid. I have always been insecure and he knows that. However, his actions of not friending me on facebook, not acknowledging me as his wife at all on social media bothers me. His talking to other women, past girlfriends makes me even more insecure, however, he thinks I have issues. I do, but this does not help.
My husband now, did not treat me that way until he was diagnosed with BP. Now, it is like he has to figure out himself before he can work on our relationship. I am not sure if I can wait that long. Not feeling married at all.

I did talk to a counselor/therapist because I wanted to help understand BP and what can I do to help my husband while he is going through all of this. At that time, my husband did things he had never done in the 14 years I had known him. He drank so much he was out of control. He was super paranoid and had a gun with him. He would have it by the bed with us because he felt he had people after him. He trusted no one. Among other things I told my therapist, he recommended I take our children and leave my husband. I was upset because I wanted to try and help my husband, not leave him. What about our vows, in sickness and in health? For many years, my husband carried the financial burden in our household. i guess I owed it to him to stick it out and help. But, he seems to be getting better and yet he is more distant than ever towards me. I don't understand this. I have stuck through some hard times. Why is he distancing himself from me, the one that has been there the whole time? But, he gets more satisfaction out of talking to random women on the internet and boosting his ego.

Sounds to me like he's trying to take absolute advantage of you.

He can't have it both ways ... lazing around the house all day and then expecting you to come home and do things when you've been at work all day is not on.

What would happen if you came home and just didn't cook? Make sure there's something on hand for the kids?

i myself would try to leave, give him an ultimatum if you don't want to not leave. if it works, you'll be alot happier.

. I don't think I get it. You are the one who works and does everything yet you think you need to stick around and help him? That doesn't make sense. He is a jerk. Sure in sickness and health not in "laziness and a...sholiness"

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I know this must feel unfair but if u are paying the bills, cut off the internet? sounds like nothing good is coming from it. Or, can u block websites that he he visits that are unrelated to work search?

He use to work all the time. He paid the bills and my check went to pay the groceries, clothes, kids schools expenses. For 12 years he was always there for us. I guess, I am just hoping that man I married comes back. Not just financially, but the love he had shown me. The looks, the letting me know, assuring me he loves me. There is no look. It's like he doesn't see me at all.

If one spouse doesn't work then they do all household chores. I am sorry this kind of arrangement would not fly for me. Actually if you are the only one working you'll end up paying alimony if you get divorced. My fiancée pays alimony because his ex flat refused to work and still doesn't.

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