Virginity is a big concern to me.

Hello everybody.
I'm new here, I googled online therapy and found this form. I hope to find some advise here, and make new friends with new people.
First let me introduce myself, Male, 27 years old, 6.1ft tall . I owe a construction company.
I grew up in a very strict conservative christian family, at the age of 19 I just threw the idea of religion out of my mind. I define myself as an atheist at the age of 23.
I was morbidly obese my entire life, two years ago I decided to make a change, I went from 390lbs to 185lbs.
I never had a relationship my whole life, never had sex or even touched a woman. And I'm waiting to have sex until marriage.
I met few girls with sexual past. And I have problem with this idea and determined to overcome it.
My feelings is as the followings:

1- Feeling disgust as another man touched my girl.
2- Feeling unfair that I'm waiting until marriage, and the other girl is not.

I'm trying to analyse these feelings.

First I'm trying to put myself in the girl shoes, if I were her and had the same circumstances would I had sex before marriage?
Well there is an incident, when I was 18 I was working in another city and one night my roommates brought a prostitute to our apartment. And offered me to .... you know. She was very cute, but I felt disgusting and said no I would not make god angry. Then I left them and spent the night at the company's office.

After I threw religion out of my mind the same incident happened, and I still felt disgusted. At that point I really didn't know why was it my obesity (feeling insecure about taking my cloth off in front of another woman or what) But sex was like something very very sacred to me. And I really don't know why. Was it growing in a very conservative family?
I really don't know.

One of the main reason I decided to follow a healthy life style was to have a relationship with a girl. I have more attention now from women. And I feel proud about my achievement and making a change in my life.

Now I feel bad about judging a woman by her past, in the same time I'm not willing to commit to something serious if she is not virgin like me.
Please help, how to overcome the idea of any girl sexual past?
Thanks in advance

You say you're not willing to commit to a girl if she's not a virgin. So it sounds like you have already made up your mind about it...

You can date and marry younger woman like early 20s. She might still be a virgin. At 27 not so much

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As mentioned above, there does not seem to be a way around this.


I would have suggested a dating site for folks waiting for marriage, but that would mean your dating pool is made up of religious girls, and then you'd be "unequally yolked" and have a new set of problems.


Logically for me its easy, learn to like love and accept the person as more than their past.


Because each of us has one, and is more than our past.


Imagine if you found a non religious waiting for marriage virgin girl with a strong aversion to obesity... Like she finds the very thought as disgusting as you find a non virgin....


Now imagine she found out you used to weigh alot more and she can't get this disgusting image out of her mind and breaks up with you....


Wouldn't you want to be acknowledged and accepted as more than the guy who used to weigh too much?


But some people aren't so accepting. So I don't have any sound advice.


Alot can be fixed by adjusting our perceptions, but not everyone is willing or able to.

Being disgusted about having sex with a prostitute or with a girl that's really into you, but was really into someone else before you and thus not a virgin, those are very different things.

Do they feel the same?

What if you aren't a virgin anymore. I am not dissimilar to you. If I ever have sex, I have no clue if I need to explain that I am a virgin. I probably would never tell her. But I can see how a male wouldn't be in his masculine while having sex when it is obvious he is much much less experienced. Of course different from the notion that a non-virgin woman is impure. But let's face it. We all, including female's, feel a bit of pressure from this concept. Yet is should not disgust you like it does.

Why are you waiting for marriage?

Here's what I can offer. The notion of feminine purity is damaging and wrong. Women are sexual and wonderful just as they are. Women are human just like you. You may feel at a disadvantage to a woman with sexual experience. Maybe you still feel insecure about your body, even with the big changes. Maybe you feel insecure about your sexual abilities and inexperience and you want a virgin so that you don't have to live up to higher expectations and you both can learn together. But if you're honest about your feelings with a woman and tell her that you want to learn how to please her, your sexual inexperience won't matter. My advice is to find a woman you really enjoy being with and who makes you feel good about yourself, and don't worry about how many sexual partners she's had. IT DOES NOT MATTER. If she's right for you, she'll accept you. And when you get good at pleasing her (which you need to learn how to do) you won't care at all that she's been with someone else. You'll feel good together. Don't waste your life feeling inadequate. Don't dig the hole deeper. Let go of the steering wheel and your fear. Just let go and be sincere.

It is understandable that you wish to share an experience of losing your virginity with someone who never had sexual relations before as you would feel less anxious about pleasing her or messing it up. That and it can feel more powerful for the two of you.

The best chance to find someone like that would be within the spiritual and religious community that supports sex after marriage. You may have to dig a little to find the right girl, but I suggest you go for the early twenties as they may still be a virgin. Just know that the average age to lose one's virginity is around 17. You may find that even if a woman has been with another man, they could have been in a long term relationship and that she is not as experienced as one would think. I know plenty of women like that.

You are not alone, and that shared the same attitude and thoughts. They all wanted someone who had their virginity intact for several different reasons, and it did boil down to wanting to be the first for the sake of not embarrassing themselves and not having to live up to the men before them. And if you have many women around you from your area, then maybe you need to step away from that scene so you can explore other types out there.

You are from Egypt. So, most girls are virgins and they don't have sex before marriage, the same exact thing for guys. Why are you worried? Pick a random girl, and chances that she is a virgin is very high. Unless you live outside Egypt. Having said that, I think virginity is overemphasized in some countries. I'm not sure why, though

Well, thank you everybody for your honest answers. I really appreciate your responses.
What I'm looking for here is not finding a virgin girl.
I think now I don't feel insecure about my body anymore, I rule out the idea of insecurity to sleep with a random girl. I still feel disgusted. By another man (P) was inside of her. I feel bad about judging a woman BY HER PAST. I don't want to jump in a relationship with this thought affecting me on the LTR.
What I'm looking for is OVERCOMING this idea and ACCEPTING a woman as a whole for who she is.
I'm trying to find reasons to overcome this.
Thank you

Where is my reply??

I don't think you should sleep with a random girl.

You need to wait until you find that someone 'special' and then decide if it's worth pursuing sex. Which for you would probably only occur in a meaningful relationship. Accepting someone, warts and all, would include accepting some aspects of their past.

I don't think you've found that special someone yet.

Having good sex is a combination of connection and learned skills. If you have no experience you have not learned the skills to give and receive pleasure. If you have no connection (i.e. choosing a "random girl" to sleep with) all the good feelings that can come with sex will be absent. If you find someone you connect with and are willing to learn what you can do to give you both pleasure, I'm sure it will be fantastic.

What I see in your post is that although you may have let go of your religious background, you still are holding on to the moral judgments from that background. Is it possible that a woman is not dirty for having had sex with another man? It may be helpful for you to examine where the feelings of disgust come from.

OK, in that case, I guess if you accept to sleep with more than one girl, then you have to accept the fact that you are not the only one who would sleep with the girl you want to sleep with, because what you accept to yourself, must be accepted to others as well, regardless of the gender. Can you tell us why it's a big deal for you? I'm curious.

If you're disgusted simply by knowing that another man's penis has been inside a woman at some point in her past, then that's a problem you need to overcome. There's nothing disgusting about that. You've associated some sort of shame or filth with sex. You need to let go of that. Specifically, what about it is disgusting to you? You think she's not clean? Vaginas are not like condoms. They aren't meant to be used once and discarded. It's not like you would think a woman were unclean after sleeping with you, right? It's not like you wouldn't ever have sex with her again, right? What's the difference? Do you touch door handles? Do you use public bathrooms? Those things are dirty. Your girlfriend's vagina is not dirty or disgusting.

I really think you have baggage left over from religious brainwashing about sexuality. If a woman loves you and wants to make love to you, then she isn't in the possession of some past lover. She isn't unclean. She's a person who wants you to touch her and experience physical intimacy with her, and that is a beautiful thing.

there is nothing wrong with waiting before marriage and even expecting to find a girl that is in the same boat as you with being a virgin and waiting for marriage but you just need to realize that this criteria is something that will direct where you look for a mate. It's not impossible at all. If you feel like you want to start a marriage with a girl that is having sex for the first time at the same time as you, so be it don't feel guilty or bad about that.

you'll be limited as to where you look because there are sites, and places I'm sure that are meant for people with same thinking as you but of course, it's only a portion of the whole so there aren't as many women there to meet. If you understand this, then this is your solution.

Thank you for an interesting topic.

There is nothing wrong with waiting for marriage. That said, I did it, waited until I was 26, and ended up sleeping with a man I thought I was going to marry (but thankfully didn't). And it created a whole slew of other problems in my life, which I don't really want to go into, here. When you are 27 and wanting a virgin, as Divine said above, you're narrowing the field of available women significantly. I think that if you want to find a virgin, that's fine. However, it sounds to me as if the issue lies with your view of sexuality and body image as a whole, as it is no longer a religious/morality issue (from what I'm gleaning). And this is something which could really benefit from a few discussions with a counselor to sort out.

Thank you all for the interesting replies,
It's really great being anonymous and talk about this issue, I think if I talk with one of my friends about this they will call me names lol.

I know that vaginas are self cleaning and all that stuff, however I just think that the idea itself is disgusting. I think of sex as something more spiritual than physical. Maybe that's why I can't and will not sleep with a random girl just for sex. Before I chose to sleep with a woman, I must be sure that this woman is mine forever. What I'm sure of that THIS IS MY PROBLEM, not the non virgin women who I might marry. And trust me everybody, this feeling IS NOT EASY TO OVERCOME. I don't want to hurt any woman in the LTR with me. So I must overcome this problem BY MYSELF first.
I had a bad idea before and I overcame it. This idea was about women attention before and after I lost weight. There were some women rejected me in the past and treated me like crap, there is one woman in particular once told me that I was a creepy fat *****, and I really felt bad about that. And also felt bad after I had tons of attention from women, because I thought that women only cares about looks not me. After having a ripped body. I started thinking about my approach to these women in the past. I had zero confidence and I think they felt it. Acted unworthy, THE TYPICAL NICE GUY THING.
After I became more confident with myself and with women I knew that most women doesn't care about looks, but they care about confidence more than anything else. And if I'm going to enter a relationship with a women she deserves the best of me. And I looked at myself in my previous 390lbs pictures and thought if I was a woman would I date or sleep with me??? My answer was NO.
So all the grief about women who rejected me in the past just melted away, and treated the attention from women who rejected me in the past as a compliment for my great achievement rather than an offense as the stupid quote says "You don't deserve me at my best if you can't accept me at my worst" and all that bualllsshhhiiiit.
I learned that this world DOESN'T OWE YOU ANYTHING, and If you want something good, you must work for it.
What I'm looking for now is a way like this (the above) to overcome any woman past sexual lovers, and stop being disgusted by her past and live on.
I currently stopped dating all together to deal with this issue first before breaking any girl heart.
And no there is no way I can speak with a counselor in my area currently. So I have to deal with this by my self.
Thanks again every single body for the interesting replies.

One more thing
I know I might suck at the first time I have sex, I'm not looking for that special night about the white knight who is going to conquer his woman or all of this crap. The first time I might finish in 3 minutes, I might have an erectile dysfunction, She might have vagianasmus.
I know that good sex comes with experience, and I want to spend the rest of my life EXPERIENCING SEX WITH ONE WOMAN ONLY. The issue here is I want to know where is the source or roots of these feelings.

Your beliefs are your beliefs. But putting too much of an emphasis on sex as some spiritual or metaphysical, transcendent thing is a really good way to set yourself up for disappointment. Believe me, the first time is usually not described by anyone as spiritual or transcendent, if they are totally honest, lol.

Sex is purely a biological function. Vaginas are just as clean or dirty as penises...it kind of depends on the person they are attached to. I'm an RN; not to be crude, but in 15 years of healthcare work, I've seen thousands of both. They truly are just another body part. It's societal conditioning which makes us believe they are "dirty" and "gross." I mean, our mouths are dirtier. Fun fact.

This is a difficult situation to be in. While you are an atheist, you still have some internal religious beliefs (Which is normal). Your best course of action to find a virgin woman is to find one in spiritual/religious community but you may have to be careful or you will be called a hypocrite. You'll have better chance finding a virgin woman who is younger then you, in the early 20s. Finding one close to your age is going to be extremely difficult.

I agree.....sex is designed to be a bonding within the marriage.

I think however is a girl/woman had been married before & only had sex within her marriage vows & they you met her & were attracted to her it could be seen the same as being a virgin because she has the same value for sex that you do.....only within the marriage.

It can also be that a woman might have had sex with someone & then realized that having sex outside of marriage wasn't what she wanted & then abstained until finding the right guy to marry. She wouldn't actually be a virgin, but in her heart & in her beliefs, it should be considered equal.

It seems to me that what you really want to look for is not necessarily a virgin BUT someone who now only believes that sex should be held sacred between husband & wife.

I was married for 33 years......after I left, just having sex is NOT AN OPTION. I will never have sex again with a man unless I end up getting married again (which is highly unlikely after what I lived with for all those years).

It seems like your focus should be on her values more than if she has had sex before IMO.

OK, so you yourself don't know why. Fair enough. Do some soul searching then. But virginity is something larger than the physical virginity you're focusing on. We humans have complicated emotions around sex for some evolutionary reason. It's not the case in general in the animal kingdom. Of course, we are serial monogamous generally speaking, but we aren't strictly monogamous. This is a fact. Even when you are with the one whom you love, you will still lust others, even if you don't cheat. Personally, I think virginity is something not that important. What's important is loyalty. I was like you when I was religious, but now I find having sex is something natural, not spiritual or sacred as religions trying to portray it.