I think I'm having a full-on meltdown

Do you find any aspect of nursing enjoyable? Maybe no need to race to the light, so to speak.

JD didn't need to use an attacking tone with you, either. What a blow, especially where self criticism already exists.

Grounding techniques do help with finding inner peace. Take it from someone that needs to manage her own stress levels for the sake of her health. Physical health, that is.

I didn't consider his tone attacking at all. Didn't even cross my mind. Still doesn't. He is correct in his assessment; I was acting like a stalker. Attacking would be "Stop being such a crazy GD stalker, B!" But stating a fact and then telling me to breathe I didn't find to be attacking. I guess I took his tone to be more firm and boundary-setting. What I actually wanted weeks ago.

I used to find nursing enjoyable back when I was a tech (before I had so much crazy responsibility and everything rode on my shoulders). I like using my knowledge, and I like interacting with some of my patients. In general though, I don't feel comfortable with my level of knowledge, and I don't like having so much responsibility. That may sound weak, but I think I wish for a more simple, fulfilling life than the one I'm currently leading.

It's just a better means to address communication. He needed to address in I instead of you, hence it comes accross as attacking with or without intent.

Well...we both did that, heh.

He did say, "I am sorry I hurt you. I have malfunctioned in ways I do not like."

When I'm dealing with conflict, there going to be "you" statements which I find to be attacking, and then some which I take in stride. Especially if I already know them to be true. I'm not trying to stick up for him while taking all the blame--as my T says, I'm not completely at fault for not being able to maintain this relationship. But I'm trying to maintain objectivity. He's not a bad person. He liked me, and his goal in life wasn't to hurt me. He is and was, like me, acting out of his own relational fears. And I'm trying to back down from my crazy a little bit.

You are certainly not alone. I've had two of my best friends ignore me for weeks until they told me I am too much to handle and they're not comfortable with being my friend. But both chose to ignore me until I demanded to know what was up and they gave me a ton of BS reasons. So no, you are not alone.

I have no close friends, let alone friends I regularly hang out with. I call my grandparents multiple times a day and visit them a few times a week, and for the past week they have had company and could hardly spend much on the phone, and I am sure they are tired of me calling and visiting but I can't help it, I love them dearly and I have no one else to visit.

And most people hate their job. I spent three months out of work looking for a job that was right for me, and tomorrow I start work for a promising company where I don't have to deal with customers and I get to do the same thing every day by myself, and I get free breakfast and coffee every shift.

I like to listen to Belleruth Naperstek's Deperssion Guided Imagery right before I go to bed. This is her affirmations:

When things are worst, there is the most room for improvement. And when you improve, you will feel better.

I don't have any concrete advice, as you express problems on many different fronts. Try to think in small steps, small improvements, one problem at a time. Don't think/worry yourself in a hole by combining all your problems together. It will be impossible to solve all your problems and issues with one solution, so don't think you need to look for it.

My T actually met with me for over our usual hour today. I think she was worried about me. I'm really not doing well. I really feel very hopeless. And I can't seem to get out of my head. She said I needed to get out of my apartment this weekend. Easier said than done--as I said, there is no one around. Friends aren't answering texts, no one wants to hang out. Just got back from the grocery store...couldn't be there long; I thought I was going to melt down right in the aisle.

I don't know how I'm going to work on Sunday. I haven't even managed to touch the pile of laundry I've been meaning to get to for two days. I bought myself stuff for dinner, but I just put it in the refrigerator; I don't have the energy to make it.

My T asked today if I've ever been in a relationship or been involved with a man who gave me a healthy amount of attention, attention I didn't have to basically push for. And I realized that the answer is no, unless you count my little high school boyfriends, and I don't even remember them. My first adult relationship, with J, started out alright. He was very attentive, bringing coffee with poetry written on the cup to work or flowers. Our first Christmas together was super special with thoughtful and meaningful gifts. And then, suddenly, it fell apart, and the attention and affection stopped. I felt abandoned. He used to do things like make plans with me, then totally forget to meet me because he was out fishing. The next guy, R, just basically still had former booty calls contacting him while I was spending the night. And we all know about JD. I don't need to talk about the intermittent dates I had in between all of them who basically ignored me into nonexistence. I know I'm ruminating, but I can't help it. All I've ever wanted, since I was 20 years old, was my own little family. I've worked to make a life for myself, worked on myself since J and R, worked to build up my own self-worth, thought I was alright, thought I didn't need anything but the life I was leading. But I do. The thing is that it doesn't seem that I am worth much to people. I'm not worth giving much attention...to anyone, friend or otherwise. I'm just ****ing done, done trying to work on myself to be a better person and friend. It hasn't worked, obviously.

My T asked today if I felt we needed to focus more on my mother and the abandonment issues and I was like, heck, I don't know. Who cares? I've been in therapy for that since I was 16. Doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference. It doesn't seem like anything I work on makes a bit of difference; I'm still 38, still alone, and still likely will remain that way. I'm kind of just over trying.

I don't see myself continuing this way.

I've already improved. It hasn't made a damn bit of difference. But thanks for validating how many problems I have. Appreciate it.

Don't exclude the possibility that you aren't liking your job right now because you aren't in the mood to like anything right now.

I haven't liked my job for several weeks. Which I've been saying, in multiple threads, for several weeks.

What about joining new church? You used to sing right? Try that again?

Are there jazzercize groups by you or Zumba? Those always boost my mood although I had to stop for the time being.

I have a friend who is 40 and single havent really been in serious relationship for ages. She is very involved in this volunteer thing, don't want to say for privacy but it takes her out and about. Heck she is more busy than me on the weekends, she is like never home and she lives alone. I know you said you don't want to volunteer but what if it's something that you good at? Like health related?

Gym? Hiking group? Book club? Take a class in a community center? Some type of hobby group?

I don't make friends easily so I am just suggesting things I tried in life.

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I'm seriously just not interested. I'm done. There's no ****ing point.

Guys, stop trying to tell me to do things I've been doing for years. I don't need suggestions. Thanks, but no thanks.

I understand you dont like it but it's been only weeks. Honestly several weeks not liking your job might not be that unusual. I in general like my job very much but there have been days and possibly weeks when I was so fed up, it passes. My daughter tells me every month that she is fed up with her job, then a month later she likes it again. I hope it will pass?

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Sorry. Ignore me. What type of help or support would you like from us? Id like to help

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It's not just my job. It's everything. It's life.

I don't want help from you guys. There is nothing to help with; I said I don't want to do it anymore, and I won't. You don't need to keep answering.

Ok

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I don't get it.
What is it U want us to do?

I can't support your misery.

I care, am willing to listen to you vent your anger, frustration and pain,
but at some point you need to be willing/able to MOVE-ON,
And live, because that's the only choices we have.

Really, it's that simple.

The details our lives constsntly change, but our perception of our lives (love or hate) should not.

You and I, and probably everybody here knows or has met somebody
in severe PAIN
(E.g. Starving, homeless, dying from some terrible illness, etc.).

PAIN, PHYSICAL OR MENTAL IS A SYMPTOM
THAT SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG.,

And the interesting thing is,
I don't remember any of those people saying,
"I hate my life" or
" I do not want help" or
"I do not want change".

If U R certain, U want to continue hating your life,
there's nothing here, or anywhere, that anybody can do or say,
That will be ok with YOU.

The day I joined this forum May 12, was supposed to be my last.
(A very long, well thought out decision I made over a long period of time),
Im not sure if I am relieved or regret that it wasn't (my last day),

But I do know,
I have nothing to lose,

by considering all SUGGESTIONS people make,
and CHANGING my thoughts and actions,
so I can/will/may stop feeling that way
(the pain of hating my life)

MY unsolicited ADVICE to you is the same:
(I know U don't want any ADVICE, but I'm giving it to U anyway (sorry)...

1. Take better care of yourself,
2. Be nice to yourself,
3. Do something nice for yourself.

The worst that MIGHT happen,
is that you may BLOCK out some of your pain.

And as the pain decreases, it LIKELY will be replaced with HOPE.

My story:
I went to sleep last night (miserable, wishing I was dead),
and I woke up feeling exactly the same way...

My life is in shambles (big, real urgent problems) AND
My misery is established constant and real...
BUT, since I dont like feeling that way (MISERABLE),
and may not have anybody today,
willing or able, to be NICE to me,
I WILL.

I have no other choices, (how I can/will survive 1 more day)
and it's a good, safe choice,
CHOICE TO BE NICE TO MYSELF. ..

And, I can't think of anytime,
in my entire life (5+ decades), that I was intentionally and deliberately NICE TO MYSELF,
and it caused any harm or negative outcome.

FORCE YOUR SELF TO BE NICE TO YOURSELF TODAY!

Hugs & prayers being sent your way, for a PPP day.
Please accept them.

...you did read the post where I said I wasn't asking for help, correct? That you didn't have to continue replying? Sounds like this was just your venting at my venting, to me. You don't want to "support my misery?" Then don't. Don't read my posts, and don't reply to them. You don't know me; this thread is literally the first interaction I've had with you. I'm sorry that it takes me longer to be sad than you. If you knew me, you would know that melting down on PC is not my m.o. But you don't. So don't presume to tell me to move on. Not your place.

By the way, I'm in a fantastic mood today, actually--or I was. Thanks for asking (yeah, you could have just asked how I was doing). I was going to make a post thanking everyone, actually.

I'll just do it here: thanks everyone for replying. Sorry I MADE you "support my misery." I melted down for, what? A couple of days. Sorry. I thought that it was okay to talk, here. I thought that was what PC is for. I won't make that mistake, again.

Right now I hate my neighbors for being outside and existing. I feel like the second I step outside, everyone else appears and I was thinking that I missed winter because normal people hibernated in the house.

I was actually thinking, "omfg, just go back inside so I can enjoy being outside alone"..

Anyway. Hugs. Vent away. It sucks feeling this way.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

Please read my last (long) post to you (today). Above or below this?

My post is a direct response to your ridiculous statements.
I 'm saying the word ridiculous, lovingly, not critically,

Because U need somebody, (right now=ME) to snap U out of the unproductive & painful place U seem stuck in.

.. U DO want help.. There IS lots of help available...U don't want to DO IT, but U WILL...
WE DO need to keep ANSWERING...

Because,

The simple FACT is we r both here,
because we chose life,
And we just need to figure out HOW to STOP being so MISERABLE,
so we will LIKE our lives, again.

"Be NICE to yourself".

Then come back tomorrow,
AND explain to me, why MY help, (suggestion)
is something
U do not "need or want".

There is nothing so terrible that u could ever have done,
That would take away, your right,
To be happy and peaceful.

Being NICE, supports that.

HATE? MISERY?
(Today, yesterday and tomorrow, NOT a wise choice.).

PLEASE reconsider, the many other CHOICES people have given U here.

BTW, I will respect whatever decision u make.
But I do believe U need/want/deserve help
And shutting out those possibilities,
leaves me feeling,
hopeless.

Hopeless for U and for me.

Hello???

You are pushing.

I am okay.

Calling me ridiculous is not cool. Again, I don't know you. Saying something "out of love" is not acceptable when I don't know you.

This thread, prior to your diatribe about my misery, was left for dead. Please do not revive it.

I am asking the mods to close it. Thank you.

Please don't be angry, my and likely evrrybody's responses to you is because we care and don't want you to be miserable and hating your life. I thought u were in a crisis, Im sorry I was wrong.
Glad you are feeling better.
I was wrong, and will respect your wishes.

U don't need/want help, U don't want suggestions, you are most comfortable being left alone when u hate your miserable life.
Sorry I misunderstood what U wrote.

Your statements sounded ridiculous to me, which is why
I could not support your misery, (I wanted u to feel better)
And
because when I say things like that to myself,
"I won't try anymore", "Its over" etc.
the only option I have left, is to be dead.

I am very inexperienced with psych forums,
And I am very inexperienced with feeling the misery of hating my life.

Sorry I took your statements so literally (thought u were in an acute, life-threatening crisis)...Glad ur not.

I see myself in these posts a lot. I actually DID develope IBS from stressful work. I'd spend an hour in the office bathroom. Yea, very sexy. I think if im remembering correctly that you have BPD? I too have it and I'm just now making an effort to change. I'll be starting DBT soon. I'm curious, how is yours now? What kind of therapy, meds worked for you? What really got me was how you keep contacting him. I do that a lot even while in a relationship because I crave attention. Sick right? I think you got it that this relationship is over and you can't control your emotions. Hah, you should see me when I fight with my BF and he tries to leave me! I fear abandonment so much that I've blackmailed, hit, hide his keys, anything. Just slow down and really think before you speak or act. Ask yourself if this is the right thing to do. I've seen you around to know that you're very honest, put everything out in the table, and can be overbearing but it's part of BPD. Just slow down before you chase him farther away. Try ignoring him for a couple days, he may miss you. You have a strong presence about you but that's good! You're a tough cookie that needs a lot of attention.

And I'm curious, what makes you think there's someone else in the picture? That ****ing sucks man. You're strong though. Stronger than you give yourself credit for. Good luck doll.

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I really am okay. Really, guys.

I do have BPD. Until recently (or maybe still, maybe I'm in a snag), I didn't meet criteria for the disorder. Part of what has sent me into a tailspin is that I see myself going back to that point, and it feels hopeless, like I'll never get past it, never be healed.

I HONESTLY don't know what came over me Thursday night when I lost my shyt with him. Like I told my (offline) friend, a week prior, we were okay, communicating, albeit sparsely, on friendly terms. No, I wasn't drinking, no, nothing happened. I do not know. I am a fairly spiritual person, and I have in the last little while, taken to meditating at least once a day. Lately, it's been morning and night, because I HAVE to in order to survive. I hadn't done that in a few days. When I meditate, I can see (mostly) clearly, I don't feel that gripping feeling in my heart when I think about pain or loss, and I am more objective. After just wallowing last night, I was like, okay, I have to just sit. I burned some palo santo, cleared my space, and just that made me feel about 10x lighter. And then I sat in meditation and cleared my head for about a half hour. I came up feeling, well, clearer and not necessarily happy, but stronger. And not angry at him, not angry at myself, not hating my job, not hating life.

I'm trying to maintain that. It's really easy to slip back into negativity. I'm sorry I got mad this morning. But I am a sponge, and I tend to absorb other people's energy; when I perceive negativity directed at me, sometimes I react defensively.

I'm sorry.

PS I don't know what makes me think there was someone else. I don't want to go back to that in my head. He said three times that there wasn't, until he says otherwise, I have to choose to believe him.