I know that this is the depression talking, but I feel like a horrible person.

Every time I get into one of these low spots, my mind just ruminates on all of the bad things I have done and said to people over the years. It's almost involuntary, like a blink, or breathing. But I have said and done some really horrible things, topped off by my most recent escapades. And it isn't just the mean stuff, or the stuff that is over reactive or "crazy." I don't like how not normal I must seem to other people. How needy, clingy, too-much... it is, of course, something I could change, and I do try. But I don't even know I'm doing it half the time, which is why I was so down on therapy in my most recent thread. In 23 years of on and off therapy, I've not made much of a change. I'm just more self-aware.

On a different note though, I did realize that I've been out of my Synthroid (synthetic thyroid hormone--I am borderline low, so my doc prescribed it about a year and a half ago) for a few days. This could most definitely be contributing to the intensity of the depression. I can usually go for a few days without it since my levels don't get dangerously low. However, I have felt like a limp dishrag all day, just cannot get myself moving. I keep lying down to doze off for 20 mins here and there with the cat. And then I realized, oh, I have that prescription waiting at the pharmacy. Oops. (Just picked it up, just took it.)

So... everyone's sick of me posting, I assume.

[tabenda]

Never assume.

I hope you feel better tomorrow and hope you can find something to divert your mind from ruminating.

I don't think it's a incorrect assumption.

I do my best to be there for people on this forum, even when I am feeling crappy. I know I'm not in the best mood the last few weeks, and my posts haven't been terribly upbeat. Sorry. Even sending a "hug" would have felt better than being ignored, bc that's how I feel in my offline life. I also feel like I'm replying to people whom I thought were friend's threads, and getting ignored. So...what's the purpose of PC? Because it is starting to feel as clique-y as being offline: irritate a few people and everyone ignores you.

Goodbye posts are against the rules, and this isn't one. Just taking a break bc I am in crisis right now and if I can't count on PC, then I need to find something I can count on.

Ruari, I know you feel very bad, but when I don't get replies to my threads, even though I feel worse that no one replied, but I try to understand that this forum is full of people who suffer themselves. Otherwise, they wouldn't be here.

I will say something here: I was like you. When I felt bad, I would write here. Sometimes multiple threads in one day. I discovered later that this isn't helpful. Actually it made me feel worse because I don't like to express my feelings in real life. So, now I try to keep it to myself as much as I can, unless I feel that I will explode otherwise, then I will write a short post.

I think internalizing the pain is more beneficial than expressing it. I know it's hard, but really eventually no one can help you (or me) in here. A post can make you feel better momentarily because you feel someone cares about you. But do you want to feel better momentarily or to get better permanently? That's why I was planning to leave PC because it felt like a pain killer, not a cure.

By the way, I read most of your threads, but most of the time I don't know what to say. Take care

[TishaBuv]

Good morning, Ru,

I didn't think to respond to this post because you talked about your meds and I just thought you had taken them and they were kicking in. I hope you a feeling better now. I'm here and do care about you, and consider you a friend.

[Mondayschild]

I haven't been on PC for a couple days. I was just thinking about you. Don't leave PC right now. Hugs and stuff!

#Life is a beautiful lie#

[Trippin2.0]

I admit I have read but not responded, can't hug via this stupid phone...


It's not that I don't care about you, I do, deeply, I consider you a friend. I've been in your shoes, but atm it feels like I have nothing to offer you.


Trying to help you brought you nothing but false hope and heartache, I admittedly never factored in the LDR status, so I feel a bit responsible in a way, and for that I am deeply sorry.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I admit I have read but not responded, can't hug via this stupid phone...


It's not that I don't care about you, I do, deeply, I consider you a friend. I've been in your shoes, but atm it feels like I have nothing to offer you.


Trying to help you brought you nothing but false hope and heartache, I admittedly never factored in the LDR status, so I feel a bit responsible in a way, and for that I am deeply sorry.

You aren't at all responsible.

I need a break from the Internet, period. I'm alright. This is not all about JD, though he precipitated it. I know I keep blaming myself and everyone is like, "No..." but I really did have a lot to do with how badly it crashed and burned. I didnt trust him, got super paranoid and yeah, pushed really, really hard. Yes, he should have communicated. No, what I was asking for wasn't that demanding. But, in the midst of the things I was asking for was the picking and the insinuating questions, because I was so freaking insecure, so afraid of being left by yet another person that I really, really cared for, that I couldn't see the big picture: this guy liked me so much. So much, in fact, that I repeatedly lost my shyt on him, repeatedly, and he still allowed me back into his life. No, we weren't right for each other. Yes, it was horrible timing: neither of us, even if it had worked, are in a position where we can leave our respective towns within the next few years. However, I doubted him so hard, and though he was really flawed, the fact that he stuck around in spite of my crazy should have been enough for me to at least drop the paranoia. But, it only increased. And that's what torched our bridge, in the end.

If I'm honest, when I go back to that text conversation where I thought he was screwing with my head, what really set me on a tailspin on Wednesday, I will say I overreacted. Of course I couldn't determine that his tone was smart assed and not serious over text, when he said "Catch and release, that's my motto," but I had basically accused him of being a player, and he isn't. He was offended. As soon as he realized I was hurt, he backed down.

He is correct: I became too unpredictable, too unsteady. That was a reaction to, yes, his not making me feel very secure, but I think that I would have lost my shyt with any guy. He just put up with it for longer.

My spiral has mainly been over the fact that I seem to repel people. That I am just an angry little person on the inside, and I cannot get that anger gone, that I feel incapable of feeling when people love or care about me, and that none of my relationships, of any kind, are satisfactory to me. And that I tore down a pretty decent guy who really cared about me, even though he sucked at showing it in the end. I could have just walked away from our thing without all of the histrionics. I mean, he tried to. He wanted to stay friends as much as I did. I am also angry that I still want him to contact me, even though I know it would start the spiral all over again. I miss him. We were friends for a long, long time. That leaves a hole.

Anyway. You didn't give me false hope. I think you were spot on.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm here if you want to pm, I hope you know that. With that being said, I can definitely understand why you'd feel a cyber break is in order.

I feel like this too.
Low self-esteem, beating myself up about small things, insecurity, self-hatred.

I don't like it. I see what I do because of my insecurities and I hate it. I just can't seem to stop it at the time.

If I could just hit a pause button and wait 24 hours before reacting, I would be okay.

I'm really sorry you're going through all of this and you feel alone.

[Bill3]

Sometimes people are unsure of what to say, how to be helpful.

(((((Ruari)))))

Thanks, guys.

I am alright. I am going to do some more offline stuff than online stuff for now...reading, journaling, meditating, and etc. Did some things today which got my head set straight; I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Sorry for the negativity; I'll come back around more often when I can share more lightness than darkness...but I'll be around.

[divine1966]

I just have to take a break. I didn't know what else to say and how else to help without making you even more upset. It started to effect me and I needed to take a break. I just need to refocus for the time being. I didn't stop caring just need to distance myself for now. Wish you the best

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by divine1966

I just have to take a break. I didn't know what else to say and how else to help without making you even more upset. It started to effect me and I needed to take a break. I just need to refocus for the time being. I didn't stop caring just need to distance myself for now. Wish you the best

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Wow, that makes me feel like crap. That really, really did not need to be said.

I am sorry I am so hard for everyone to deal with. I really didn't think I was terribly out of the ordinary.

I guess I'll be on my way.

[Bill3]

Please stay Ruari.

(((((Ruari)))))

I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. I already asked for my account to be deleted.

I've literally lost my mind to the point I do not know myself anymore; I have not ever been like this. Ever.

JD threatened legal action because I was so angry with him, and was also being a total crazy stalker toward both he and a female friend of his. So he had a right. I knew I was toeing the line. I have never, ever done anything like that. Ever. I am angry and hate-filled, and I don't care that I hurt him or upset him. Or that it is even taking me down; I've BEEN going down. I was going down before him; he was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I feel like my depression/whatever has been at a low simmer, just under boiling for probably 2 1/2 years, that I've been alright, sometimes just barely coping, but usually alright. But that there has always been an underlying desperation building up. And I've just ****ing blown, and the pieces of me are everywhere, and I can't pick them back up. I keep trying. Like, I was REALLY doing well yesterday, and all day today. But I snapped again.

It isn't him. He's just the last straw.

I've been sitting here for an hour, scrolling through my phone, trying to find someone I can call to talk to, to even bring me to the hospital, and there is literally no one. And I'm not calling an ambulance, because I know all of the medics in town. I'm stuck.

(Please don't reply to this thread any longer. The thread isn't helpful for anyone; it should be closed. Thanks.)

[handheart]

Well maybe you must forgive yourself from the bad things from the past because it afects you ,in a subconstient level you regret these today .You must accept and forgive yourself ,everyone of us do mistakes in life

Hope you'll forgive me replying, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.

I didn't see this thread until today, but even so what Bill wrote is often true for me - sometimes I don't know what to say to be helpful. Tbh there have been a few times (with posters generally not you) where I fear I may have made things worse without meaning to.

I hope you don't delete, I know you are valued here by many.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Ruari

So... everyone's sick of me posting, I assume.

naw don't assume that :/ I do that and almost always I'm wrong in thinking that haha.

I don't get on except when in the office for the most part and pop in (lately) at home but only for a short time and only really to get on chat. so I only now am seeing the new posts.

I dont' have a real response to your dilemma/situation. I know how it goes, been there many times, myself. good that you took your med tho. hope it starts helping again.

[Trippin2.0]

My apologies if posting is seen as boundary crossing, that's not my intention, but I would honestly hate to see you go.


However, if you must, shoot me a PM so we can swop contact details... If you're interested of course.

[Tsukiko]

Oh Ruari..I'm so sorry I wasn't here to help you. My struggle has been overwhelming lately as it seems one thing after another has been happening in my life. Please forgive me for not being supportive during your time of need.