Discussing marriage with someone I've never met

First of all, I don't want to offend anyone by appearing to make light of something as serious as marriage. That's not my intention, so I apologize in advance if I offend anyone.

I have been chatting with someone online for over a year. I have had an intense attraction to him from the beginning. Even before I saw pictures of him, I think it was his personality and the way we interacted. Later I saw pictures of him and was attracted to his pictures too. Pretty much what I expected.

He has been the one to pursue me this whole past year and we can't seem to get enough of each other. We never run out of things to talk about and seem to see eye to eye on almost all issues, social, political issues, etc.

I brought up the topic of marriage awhile ago just to see how he would respond. I wasn't really serious and figured he would freak out and run. But the idea never seems to freak him out. He starts asking me questions about it, where we would live, our plans, etc. Almost like he's entertaining the idea. Asking if I want kids, how we would raise our kids, etc. He even agreed to it, multiple times now, every time I bring it up. Its always me to bring it up, but whenever I do he seems to like it and get excited about it.

Could he be serious? I'm not sure I'm serious, myself, but admittedly the idea is kind of exciting. Probably because I'm infatuated with this man and my infatuation isn't going away at all, even after a year of chatting.

Is it really possible to fall in love online like that?

I have had other relationships, real life relationships, for years, etc. But I've never met someone I just seemed to mesh with so well on so many levels.

Am I delusional? Maybe this is just a fantasy for both of us which will never make it to real life?

Right now, this is al just a fantasy. No, I do not think it is possible to love someone let alone know if there is any compatibility or chemistry without meeting in person. If you really want to pursue something with this guy, why not meet in person? If it's too difficult to even arrange a meeting after one year, then either one or both of you is not serious about even seeing if this might work.

Thank you for the reply.

These are my thoughts on why we haven't met. We live very far apart so it would be a big expensive trip. If we were to meet I would insist he would come to me, because I think that is appropriate for the man to come to the woman.

He lost his job a couple years ago and collected unemployment for awhile. Then he got a serious injury in an accident and couldn't work. I think he is just recently fully getting over his injury. He's looking into getting back to work now. But the point is, I think he has been strapped for money, so him being able to visit me was out of the question.

If he goes back to work and starts making money again, its possible though he will have money to travel. Things might change then.

Then again, I could be holding my breath.

I think we are both people that take things slow. I haven't felt comfortable meeting him up until now, anyways. It would be a huge thing, if it were to happen. And he would need to come to me. I think we are both nervous about the idea of meeting each other. At least I know I am, and he has implied he is too.

If he can't afford the trip to visit you, how could he afford a wedding let alone building a life together and raising children? I don't know how old you guys are, but it doesn't sound as though he would be in a position to have a relationship, let alone a marriage anytime soon. That's just something to keep in mind, if you are interested in taking things into the real world with him.

I just read your post on another forum. Is this guy you're discussing marriage with the guy you think might be gay, who you say is a misogynst, who has never had a relationship and frequents prostitutes? If so, I think you may want to rethink pursuing a RL relationship with this guy.

I get the sense he has some sexual issues. He does go to prostitutes and he told me he's too shy to talk to women. I actually thought that was cute. I would prefer to be with a guy like that than a guy who is a player and a womanizer.

As for money, as I said I think his money problems are because he's been out of work and then got injured. Otherwise he is able and willing to work. I don't even want kids either. I don't think he does either. I told him "No kids" but then he said "If we have kids....."

So maybe he wants them? We are both getting close to 40 though so I doubt it will happen.

All I really want is him, even if he doesn't have a lot of money and if he's shy. I don't need some flashy rich husband with a corporate job. Just someone who makes me happy.

Is this the same guy you referred to as a schizoid stalker on earlier threads?

He used to tell me he was stalking me. And he is diagnosed with some personality disorders.

I resisted him for a long time. I've been hurt before and am trying to be very careful with who I get involved with. I guess he got past my barriers though. Well, I have been infatuated with him the whole time. Infatuated, but trying to keep my head on straight. But then got to a point where I'm sort of giving up the will to resist....if you will?

I don't know. All I know is...he makes me feel good. Everything might not sound good on paper. But I can't deny the way he makes me feel.

Does all seem a bit of a fantasy. Have you even Skyped or Facetimed so that you can actually see each other (not just still photos) and have a real conversation that isn't typed on a keyboard? Kind of just sounds like you are both playing games with each other and neither of you are particular interested in reality.

I have never brought up the idea of skyping or talking on the phone because I wouldn't want to. I have a slight phobia of that kind of thing.

He has sent me a couple voice recordings though.

I think its probably just a fantasy too. Its a form of escapism we are both doing now, I think. He is actually still pretty mysterious to me. I haven't pushed him for more photos or more "real" contact. Mainly because I wouldn't be comfortable if he were to push me, so it doesn't seem fair for me to. Maybe this is the only kind of relationship both of us can handle now.

The fact that he is tracking your activity on online forums, claiming to know where you live, and saying he is staking you is REALLY scary. The fact that he chooses prostitutes over relationships with real women is concerning if you are hoping to have a real relationship with him. If he has spent almost 40 years being afraid of relationships, why would that change now? It probably won't. I would be really, really careful about proceeding to interact IRL with this man. From your other threads, this guy sounds like he could be dangerous. If the information you have shared previously is all true, he has the majority of the risk factors that we look for when we assess someone's threat as a stalker (I published a book on the subject). I would be extremely hesitant to meet this man in person.

Scorpio.....I think you are right.

The guy is showing all the red flags. Lately he seems to be changing how he is coming across, to me. He is coming across as sweeter, more vulnerable and innocent. While before he was more aggressive.

The sweeter style is making me lower my defenses now.

Its like I'm forgetting the earlier him that was scaring me and giving me nightmares.

I went back and read my old thread and it brought some of it back. He is doubling down on charming me, now, for some reason. I still can't figure out what he wants from me. I must just be an easy, convenient target for whatever reason. Other women probably know how to set boundaries better. I'm too easily manipulated, I guess.

Thank you for all the advice. You two have given me a lot to think about. Brought me back down to reality a bit.

I doubt I will block him or ignore him or anything. But at least I'm trying to clear the fog and think more straight now.

I am extremely confused. In one moment you state this is somebody who is stalking you on online forum and scares you so you have nightmares . But then almost in the same day you post you two discuss relationships and now marriage?

I personally don't find men, who are going to prostitutes and are stalking people online in addition to not working, as cute or sweet or any kind of relationship material whatsoever.

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I don't deny I have strange taste in men.

I have dated nice men too, with careers and morals and values...fwiw.

But I think my attraction to inappropriate partners says something about my own issues. Its an ongoing problem. That's why I'm here seeking advice.

The only advice or actually two: immediately stop talking to him and block him completely and second advice see a therapist about your attraction to such men

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It's not just "strange taste"... it's really potentially dangerous.

Yes, it does say something about your own issues. Are you in therapy? If so, have you told your therapist about this guy? And that in one week, you have said he is stalking you AND you want to marry him? I really hope that you are seeing a professional who can help you with this.

Hmmmm, lets see, he's unemployed & then injured & doesn't have money & yet he has MONEY for prostitutes????

If he really wanted to see you he would be saving the money he wastes on prostitutes to use to spend on seeing you. It's obvious where his priorities are.

You should be seeking advice from professionals. This is a serious problem & will only end up getting you into a serious problem situation that won't be easy to get out of.......we can't give the kind of advice that you need from a professional to learn how to deal with your own issues so that you can stop having this problem

Good point. I don't actually know the last time he saw a prostitute. I told him not to tell me about that stuff. It could be a thing of the past, or not. I have no way of knowing.

Also, to be fair to him,, I've been pushing him away all this time. Every second week or so I tell him to stop talking to me. Hard to make plans for the future when that keeps happening.

Not arguing with you, or defending him. Just saying its not so black and white, I don't think.

I have gotten myself into a lot of dangerous situations because of my odd taste and judgment. That is why I have been trying to be so careful, not to get involved with anyone, etc.

Doesn't seem to stop them from seeking me out though.

I can't afford therapy, now. I have been in therapy before and it didn't help me much. I'm just trying to lay low and avoid things that could be dangerous. Not doing the best job, but doing better than I used to.

They aren't seeking you out, specifically. They reach out to anyone they can, and they wait to see who responds. Most people immediately delete these messages, cross the street to walk away, or report this kind of behavior to the authorities. But you respond. That's the difference. If you want to change your behavior, you need to STOP RESPONDING to this man. You also really do need therapy because your thinking is just really off. I don't mean that as critical; I am just really concerned about your safety.

You're right...and no worries. I don't take it as criticism.

I really don't know why my thinking is so distorted. That is why I rely on forums, to give me a reality check. I don't really have anyone supportive I could reach out to in real life. I can't afford therapy at this time.

For the time being, I feel like I'm a bit back to reality now. Thank you for all the help and support. I'll keep trying my best to keep away from these guys.

Edited cuz I read the rest of the thread and he is a crazy stalker block this guy asap
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They aren't seeking you out. They write to bunch of people and they will continue talking to those who respond. Others don't respond to him.

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partially agree. IT is possible to be infatuated, even fall for someone online but it's only on a certain level. you get to know the person inside their mind more than anything. Which leaves out the physical. Which is very important so I agree that meeting is important, there is some chemistry intellectually but the physical needs to be there. That's not to say that online romance and feelings do not exist or are completely unimportant, only that it's only part of the equation. You may love the person's intellect and have things this way in common but in order to know if they are the one that is for you entirely a meeting must happen.

I just won't write off online romance as invalid or non existent. it is not a fantasy if both people are being real intellectually, but it's just limited.

Thanks again for the replies.

I agree with s4ndm4n2006 ....I think there must be some chemistry, at least...for it to go on for so long and remain interesting for both parties. Although that doesn't mean the chemistry will be in person. It could fall flat, but we would never know that without meeting.

In response to divine1966....I'm sure there is a degree of truth to that, but the way you put it makes it sound like I have nothing at all to offer. If they cast that wide a net....don't you think they would get more than one bite? Are you implying I am the only person that has "bitten" out of the thousands they have supposedly written?

I think there is an element of mutual attraction.

I'm not flattering myself, to the contrary. I think disordered attracts disordered. Healthy attracts healthy. Water tends to seek its own level.

I doubt he is serious about the marriage idea, and even if he was, he is not marriage material. I think I am just a way to pass time. Free entertainment. And, I guess, so is he, to me.

So what is the problem? I don't know. As long as we are both content with a fantasy relationship which will never be anything more, I guess there is no problem? And if talking about marriage adds to the fantasy in a way, then, why not?