Why can't he just do his share of household - a rant

I'm working 20+ hours a week to feed us, besides that I am studying and we have a kid.
He is studying too. Making one project this semester (together with me, btw. but I have also more lessons on top of that) and besides that he brings the child to kindergarden. That's it.
The child is there (in kindergarden) from 9am till 3pm, so you might think that with this more time for housework, he'd actually do something. But nope.

He cookes the meals (right now in summer it's about once or twice a week) and besides that he thinks that WE can clean up on weekends. Which means that he'll clean the kitchen one whole day (with a lot of breaks) and I have to entertain the child, and clean most of the flat myself, trying to involve the kid as much as possible. And one day has to be a lazy day because you know, live is exhausting (you can guess who plays with the child, plans activities and does the outdoorstuff)

He was sick last week and when he got better, I mailed him from work if he could make laundry, and he was like "oh yes, please, I am so bored!"
so I was like "well than you could do..." 4 things or so and he was "thanks" and did it.

I know I could be happy that he made something, but to be honest, I am pissed. This man is 32 years old and he is not capable of cleaning by himself, without me telling him what he could do? (you know, the dishes, the toillet, they were not things you can easily dismiss). He lived alone, I don't buy it.

So every couple of weeks/month we have this conversation were I tell him that I am not happy with it and he says sorry and hat I'm right, we write down what we do over the week, and he is capable of doing a fair job.

Until it starts again.

Bevor he got sick, I was the one beeing ill (together with the child). He did nothing that days. So when he got ill right after, the whole flat was a mess.

I was so angry. I mean that anger helped me to have a looot of energy for cleaning up, but I find it unfair.

He has a lot of good qualities (there is a reason I haven't kicked him out) but this point angers me so much.

I don't want to have this conversation again and again.

Sorry for the rant, it just needed out.

How about bribery and reward? Children get them when they do things their parents want, would it work for an adult?!

Even with children we make up charts of assigned work for each one. Maybe that would work best for both of you to sit down & divide up the housework tasks & assign them to the one responsible. That way it would be divided & he wouldn't even have to think about what needing done.....he would be his task & he would know it & you wouldn't have to mention.

I know we want them to JUST DO IT out of the kindness of their heart & be able to think what needs to be done, but in reality, assigned tasks work out best in the long run & then no one feels bad or wonders what they could be doing.

Then if one or the other does get sick, you could specifically ask the other person if they could cover the specified tasks that you have on your list while you recover.

I don't think I want him to do this -'out of the kindness of their [his] heart'.
I want him to do this because he is an adult who has the same responsibility as I do. This has nothing to do with kindness.
When I am doing it, nobody talks about "kindness", everyone can tell that it's my job and so is his. Esp since I am the one having a job.

But I think deviding up chords might help. We tried with a list were you are free to choose, so there is a written form for this, but it seems it's not enough.

@littleCat thanks for your advise, too! But I refuse to treat an adult like a child, esp when I know that when he was living alone, he was capable of doing all this.

So it seems it's more a question of not feeling responsible.

Some things are harder for people.

From what you said, it does not sound like he is doing nothing at all. He isn't refusing to help, he just does not know what is expected of him. I have a hard time doing things unless I have a schedule. It's not that I don't feel responsible and you said he cooks, takes care of the child and cleans up the kitchen. Maybe when he lived alone he did not do these things and his house was messy. My room stayed that way for a long time once.

Just because someone is an adult does not mean everything is easy for them. If you and him make a schedule together that you both agree to he would know what he needs to do every day. You are not treating him like a child, you are treating him like someone who struggles with something and needs extra help.

When I was married, I found myself in a situation similar to yours. Finally, we sat down and divvied up chores with things being mostly equal and suiting for each other. For example, he hated cleaning bathrooms so that went on my list and he did vacuuming.

We tacked the list on the refrigerator and we'd cross off an item on our side of the list after we finished it. This was a weekly list. He always had a flimsy excuse at the end of the week. I wasn't his mother and didn't like "supervising" whether he did his chores.

He never completed his chores even once. We had a baby at the time and most of the baby's care went to me and we were both working. This was very unfair and frustrating.

Obviously, I was very discouraged and exhausted. When I found myself getting resentful, we talked and he admitted he hated cleaning, period. We came up with the money out of our budget for a weekly cleaning service to do the major chores. He started helping more with our baby and I did the daily household maintenance like dishes.

@eskielover sorry, my first reply was very rude. I was angry at the time, but I shouldn't let this out on you

@Anna72914 the "treating him like a child" comment was a reaction to the suggestion to "bribery and reward", which I still refuse, but thats me. [regarding child: he brings the child to kindergarden. After that it's mostly my responsibility. And everything that has to be organized is on my todo]
But maybe you are right. I tried having clear tasks (like cleaning the bathroom) but it didn't work.
We tried the list with all task and "pick what you want" but it only works temporary.
Maybe a combination would do. I'm so frustrated, I didn't see that option. For me it was having a boyfriend who finds time to play 3 times a week computer games vs me having to miss classes for even a few hours on my own. But anger is never a good judge, so I know I see everything worse than it is.

@rainyday107 I am glad you found a solution for your problem. Sadly we are rather poor, so a cleaning service is out of option

I will say this with regards to refusing to treat an adult like a child. Umm. I get where you're coming from but part of what irks me about not just some women but I think all women I've ever been with is that they equate not being responsible for chores the same as the women as being "childish" I'm sorry that this struck a nerve for me but why is it that everytime a male does not act according to the ways a female wants them to, they are a child? Does it strike anyone else as demeaning and insulting to the person in question?

Irresponsible, Sure, is it not respectful to make you do all the chores, yes entirely but part of what I see here and I'm guessing, is that when you do get angry at him, I will guess that this attitude that he's being like a "child" comes out and to be honest (this is not a defense of his actions) if it comes out in words "why can't you be like an adult and [such and such]" only serves to make most men dig in their heels more or at the very least, resent the statement.

Only reason I mention this is, in any relationship, respect is necessary. Many times, from both sides we demand respect, mutual responsibility and other things but in our demanding such things we forget to treat the other person as our equal, our match, or partner in life. Perhaps it's not so much that he disagrees with you, but that your approach to getting him to take things on the same as you do, may need some adjustment. I am NOT excusing his behavior, I am merely addressing the fact that you stated every few months this conversation happens. I hope that makes sense.

On another note, typically (not always) we men do not think the same as women. Priorities in our minds are different and unfortunately we really do need to be reminded of the things that you take for granted are necessary in life such as clean clothes, kitchen and other chores. Accept that sure when we are alone and single we will do these things but even then it's not out of natural behavior but there is no one else there to do those things.

Honestly it may be something that will slip on his end time and again but I do believe you can motivate him enough to help out more and lengthen the time he is able to keep it up.

I hope my post does not sound overly critical, I'm merely trying to give a male's point of view here. In my house, I pay for everything, I am the lease owner, my ex who is living with me for now, is the same way and claims no one (none of the men) will do anything to clean up. i do, at times but it's not as pressing of a need like it is for her. but I will say my place was somewhat cleaner with her not around, even though at the time it was just me, it wasn't like a constant everyday pressing need to clean either...

We are two men in this relationship. Okay I am genderqueer, but more on the male side, so the "women are just different" is not working in this case (and just. don't)
You are talking about respect: for me his behaviour feels very disrespecfull towards me. (And again: the child comment was about the suggestion on "bribery and reward"). When we have this argument it's not me saying he is childish. It's me saying that I'm noticing that I do a lot more and him jumping in that it all will get better and making suggestions. which will last for about 2-3 weeks.

I am all for tools for solving this but just saying "well men are that way" seems to be a bit a comftable "well it's not my fault" opt-out (sry if I am beeing rude here but this is something even my partner doesn't believe in). I hate cleaning too, but I feel responsible, esp. since we have a child. Why is it that some people don't?

I don't even have to argue with him about the status quo. Sometimes he is the one coming to me saying he feels guilty because he's beeing lazy and so.

It's very exhausting for me to motivate him. I have the options between using my energy for cleaning myself or motivating him, so in both cases part of my daily energy is used here. In that case it really would be more simple for me to live separate (which is also a question of money), so I am looking for a long term sollution that spares me that part of energy.

My first impuls was just to let the anger out (hence this rant).
Because I know that I am not objective here I don't want to treat him unfair and needed to calm down first.

I loved your replies and I hope maybe in future I don't come to this point of frustration. I am sorry that I always jumped into defense mode, I guess I wasn't ready for real critic and wanted to swim in my self-pity

Well I understand that my comments about women and men don't apply here but in a traditional sense of gender differences I believe it still rings true. I know that there are exceptions in regards to those that are genderqueer, trans and such, I get that. Please don't take it as an insult or an invalidation of your status as a couple. No offense was intended and it is on me for assuming that you were of opposite sex

I think that some of my other reply still applies with regards to if it comes out to him as if you are thinking he is being a child, it may affect things. Here gender, sexuality or anything of the like will not matter. What I mean is, I know in my experience how it's felt to be told I was being like a child, in arguments, it has made me really less receptive to criticism. IF, you do that. I would evaluate that I understand the reference but not one that is very effective when verbalized if trying to motivate someone that is an adult haha. If someone told you to do such and such thing so as to act more like an adult, is that motivating to you? Just take note of that.

It is exhausting to motivate others to do what we believe they should know we want them to do and in many cases they actually do know. they just don't think about them most likely. kind reminders (not verbal it will feed into your exhaustion) find ways to give little reminders throughout the household of what chores you're responsible for (keep up with them ofc or it gives the other person ammo when you call them on their lack in the chore area) and his. Idk if that will help.

Again apologies for assuming your gender role

No problem.....thank you for the apology

"Kindness of the heart" is JUST a TERM I use which probably not accurate actually. I always had the problem personally where I expected the other person to read my mind & know the needs & I equated that to the "kindness of their heart" to be able to know whats needed to be done & do it without my asking because I always figured in was the "kindness of my heart" (really AWARENESS of what needs to be done & doing it) that would do the same for them if needed.

Oh I remember the days of getting this resolved after I first got married because I SWORE that I was NOT going to be (in my case) the "housewife" & that EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE EQUAL!!!!! I was going to be NOTHING LIKE MY MOTHER!!!! This was back in the days when equality was just getting started (many moons ago) & I was constantly BREAKING anything that was tradition.

I equal responsibility with everything around the house & expected cooperation with everything that was needing to get done. I was in the process of getting my degree & working full time between semesters to get money to pay for my next year at the university & part time during the school year. I was getting my degree in Accounting & computer science so it was a LOT OF WORK. To top if off, we lived in this cruddy apartment & HE didn't like the community washers & dryers so laundry had to be packed up & taken over to my parents house where they only had a washer but no dryer so we had to get there early enough in the day to be able to hang out the cloths & get them dry & as the days got shorter in the fall, that meant getting there as early as possible......well, he didn't want to get out of bed & the sheets were desperately needing washed. I gave him 5 minutes to get up & get out of bed or I was doing to dump a pitcher of ice water on him. He blew me off thinking I didn't mean what I said......he was wrong & ended up getting a pitcher of ice water dumped on him. Sheets were getting washed anyway so it didn't matter if they got wet. It got him out of bed, but it would have been so much nicer if he had just cooperated in the first place.

We finally got most of it sorted out, but he was always pissy about having to straighten up everything so the cleaning lady could do her weekly cleaning.

When I ended up loosing my career 20 years later, his attitude came back. Guess he thought I was home so I could just pick up after him because he would just come in after work & dump his stuff down & leave it. I got so angry I quit doing EVERYTHING to "GET EVEN" & started living in my own wing of the house until I was finally able to leave way too many years later. That was a miserable existence I wouldn't want anyone to go through.

Relationships don't work when one feels taken for granted or when resentment sets in. I think resentment is the hardest thing to counter in any relationship. Best to get things resolved in a good way that works for everyone. Having defined tasks that each are responsible for & committing to STICKING TO THEM seems to be the best way to sort it out & COMMUNICATION when any change needs to happen or when something isn't actually working out well.

It took me years after I finally left to figure out what all I had been dealing with that made the relationship impossible & what the underlying reasons were for the cause of his behaviors & his inability to be able to communicate & be communicated with & why having a REAL partnership with him was impossible. Helped me to know but it wasn't anything that could have ever been fixed.

apology accepted

Oh, I hope I didn't just missread your use of the term bc english is not my first language Then double appologies!

The relationship you're describing sounds exhausting! And I'll take the hint to communicate better!

Thank you all for your advise! Brought me back on my feet

Glad you are feeling back on your feet. Sometimes we just need to get our frustrations off our chest & that helps too.

Oh no....you did not misread , it was more MY MIS-USE of the term & MY ASSUMING that when we have "awareness of what needs done & do it without being asked" that there always feels like people like that have a kindness & sensitivity lacking in those who don't....not always the case but was experiences that I felt thus MY ASSUMPTIONS & my use of that term.