The match.com game

Why are you insistent on commenting on women's looks online when every woman who has replied said they hate it and automatically delete those messages because it feels creepy/like a cat call?

Actually, it is rather easy to determine qualities like ambition, intelligence, and humor on an online profile. If a woman has an advanced degree, a good job, and/or well-written profile, it's probably safe to assume she has some level of intelligence and ambition. For me, those are at the top of my list when I read an online profile. If she makes jokes and witty comments in her profile, she's probably funny. If she talks about fitness or sports, she's probably athletic. When I read a profile, I look at the picture to see if they are "good enough" looking to make me want to read the profile. Then, based on the profile, I decide whether I'm interested in messaging the person or not. 75% it's the content of the profile that turns me off. I won't message someone who has a lot of spelling/grammar errors, no job, hobbies I don't like, very religious, etc. if you are only focused on the picture, it's not at all surprising that women are not responding to you. That is precisely the approach we look to avoid. Profiles are not "all the same"-- they are vastly different!

Just going to focus on this part.

Great. So we know that appearances are pretty much all you look at. You can learn tons about a person through the information they share.

Even the very generic sounding ones. If someone does share much at all to demonstrate their personality, do you think they're really invested in meeting someone meaningful?

Regardless, you go by pretty much appearance only. That's your way then fine.

But what are you doing to "grab their attention"? Saying that you think they have a lovely smile? Yep. That gets attention. But not interest - it gets trash binned. To overcome that in your message, you've really got to include more based on their profile. So they say they like books without any details? Fine. Share what books you love and ask about what genres they enjoy reading.

Of course women, well people in general do like to hear they are attractive to others. I think part of the misunderstanding here not that anyone is saying that telling a women that they are attractive is inherently wrong. What I do see being said here is that it is not something that should be the first thing you say to her.

You won't know more about them until you have a conversation with them but again as I've said before you won't get those conversations from "I think you're gorgeous" comments alone and especially if it's not the first thing out of you.

Plus I think it's almost a given that there is an attraction there if you even try to make a connection. very rarely will someone hit on another person or try to connect with them irl or online if there is no physical attraction.

It seems to me you come up with a lot of reasons to complain and deflect a lot of the advice here. People are giving you many ideas, and ways to approach this whole dating thing and I only see you digging your heels in further making a stance that nothing in what you are doing is wrong or ineffective. You want to continue doing the same thing yet it's not working but you also have a rebuttle, argument or deflection of everything people are suggesting here.

Women your age, you have a reason you dont' want to do that. Idk about now but it sounded like it previously that you were aiming for younger women (not saying that's wrong but widening your net couldn't hurt) how you approach women on these sites, you claim that there is nothing "inherently wrong" in what you're doing, as if to say the reason behind your lack of connections is something other than the way you are approaching things.

You cannot change the online dating system to fit your way of approaching women. You can't change the women receiving your messages to accept your style of approaching them either. The only thing left is you. You are the only thing in this equation that YOU can change. If something is not working, try a different approach, be flexible and be open minded to different ideas or you'll remain in the same rut.

Hey Macd,

I was on match.com for a while, with mixed results. Granted, I'm the opposite situation - a female-seeking-male. I had to delete my membership for the same reason: I would put myself out there for men in comments or compliments on their profile, and either get nothing back or some stupid request for sex. Or I would just get ghosted.

I've had really poor luck with online dating in the past. I don't know why I keep going back to it. I hope it works out better for you in the future.

I'm just being honest - I thought that was a good quality. Somebody said women hate being called beautiful - not true. I'm not rejecting everybody's advice but I still refuse to believe complimenting someone on their physical apearance is a bad thing. Seems like I'm being shallow - I'm not really. The one lady that I have continued to converse with we have talked about religion, travel and food. If I do get a reponse I usually don't call them gorgeous but look for something we have in common. However, I find it counter to my nature not to compliment someone if I think they're beautiful - I don't think that's bad manners. Its like a work of art - why not say something good if you enjoy it. I know what my interests are. I probably wouldn't hang with someone I could not talk to. I've made comments besides looks. Right now I'm just getting exhausted just thinking about it.

You still don't seem to understand what people are saying. It's not wrong to compliment familiar people on their appearance. It's entirely different when total strangers whom a woman never met and maybe never will, compliments on her appearance. Such compliments hold no value and no special meaning, it's not going to make women warm and fuzzy inside: because they don't know you. It might not be a bad thing but it holds no value.

just because you like doing something it doesn't mean you should. Yes I understand you like completing women's looks. But women don't like when strangers do so. So why insisting on doing something that doesn't work and what others don't appreciate ?

Honestly the only people who tend to keep doing something just because they like it are teenagers. But even they would consider stopping if it doesn't bring favorable results and makes others uncomfortable.

I really don't get it how and why you keep doing things that clearly don't work. This is just the strangest thing ever.

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Gosh. You really are set in your ways aren't you!

Compliments are great. But not as an introduction!

Women and men on dating sites KNOW ALREADY that people messaging them find them attractive. No one is going to initiate conversation on a dating site with someone they do not find attractive.

You do realize you compared women to pieces of artwork right? That by saying that, you LITERALLY objectified my entire gender?

No one likes to be viewed as a piece of artwork. You will argue about models, but their profession is being a piece of someone else's artwork. They likely don't enjoy being objectified in their personal lives.

The piece of artwork comment stood out to me, too! Yuck! That is so incredibly offensive and insulting. That kind of objectification is exactly what women DON'T want. I hope you don't say things like that to women in real life, Mcad. The women online can just delete it, but real women can't! Women are not pretty objects sitting around and waiting to be told they're pretty. Women are people with personalities, skills, values, and accomplishments. Demeaning women by reducing them to "a piece of art" is just going to make women RUN!

Bluntly, many men on sites say that I am attractive. I only respond to men that I am either attracted to myself, or men that have a personality that is matching to mine.

And they have to say it politely, btw.

Frankly good looking women already know they are good looking. It's still very nice to hear it from a man we are close with like our boyfriends and husbands, but hearing it from strangers isn't neither exciting nor meaningful. Also me being an artist and having master's degree and having life long career in teaching and me having travelled a lot and etc etc are all my personal accomplishment, but me being good looking is just how genetics played out, thanks to mom and dad.

So for me hearing from a stranger that I am "lovely" or "gorgeous" means nothing. I suspect other women feel similar.

Also women who post glamorous photo shots typically don't look like that in real life. So be prepared that they might not be "lovely" face to face. I only ever posted random casual selfies of myself, no glamour.

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I don't have a horse in this race, so you're not offending me. And unlike all the gorgeous gals who are coaching you on this thread, I don't mind a nice, sincere compliment. By the way, looks are the first thing I notice, too--that isn't just a hallmark of manliness. However, when I don't know someone, I am focused on learning their other qualities (besides their looks, which are already plain to see, no pun intended.) Having dated some extremely handsome but vacant-headed men, I know I need more than good looks to keep me interested in someone.

But maybe you don't. If you view women as nothing more than sexual beings, an adornment on your arm, admit it to yourself, and seek what you actually want. Forget the rhetoric about meaningful relationships and the nonsense of vine-covered cottages. You won't need to argue with the gals and guys on PC, and you are more likely to get what you really want. What is it you really want? If you primarily want sex you might want to develop a 'relationship' with someone whose business is selling sex. Normally I wouldn't encourage men to use women that way, but if you're dealing with an adult, non-coerced, independent contractor (so to speak) and not some terrified, drug-addled girl forced into sexual slavery doing the work to support her pimps, then you can come to the sort of terms you and she can live with. One of those terms might be that when you are with her, you are always right.

If you want to use the online world to advertise for this gal, you can write your ad in ways that make it clear what you are looking for and what you are not looking for, something like "Financially comfortable man looking for attractive woman between 30-45 (busty blondes preferred) for mutually satisfying relationship. Drug and disease-free; you must be too. I like to dance, sky-dive, and juggle knives (or whatever your hobbies and interests are).

Now, my sample ad skews a little older, and you might be pouting about that. But there is a reason for that. I do not suggest you advertise for someone much younger than 30; you could probably go 27 but I wouldn't go any younger, for two reasons. You will still draw responses from younger women who are self-employed and, and more importantly, you will be more likely to find the woman who has made a considered choice to do what she is doing for a living; one who is not being exploited either by a pimp or by her own poor thinking processes due to youth, addiction or grossly disordered thinking. I'm never going to advocate someone exploit someone else. And old people who prey on young people are looking to exploit them, that's a fact. So even if you get far younger responses, man up and don't seek to exploit them.

I actually think the older end of my suggested age-range would be best for you; as she ages towards menopause, you'll be aging into old man dotage so that even a 55 year old woman will be a young cookie compared to you. If all you are looking for is a pretty woman to sit across from you at the dinner table, as long as the going rate is met, I'm sure you can find an escort to share the tiramisu with you. And if you want dinner with a pretty woman and the horizontal mambo as dessert, you can find an escort for that too--and just become a repeat customer. Simple, neat, and you know what you are getting. I hope this helps.

Thanks everyone.

Wow, peeps....

(hugs Mac...)