The match.com game

Okay so I've been on this site for a while now and I have some observations. First, it's discouraging - you really don't get a lot of responses - would it be asking too much for a thank you after complimenting somebody's photo. I have had several individuals who have sent me a response and then disappeared after I replied? On the bright side, I do have one individual that I have an ongoing discussion with but the only problem is she only gives me one sentence responses (I usually reply with a whole paragraph). She's attractive but I don't know how to read the situation. It's depressing because I've actually tried to open up alternative avenues to my solitary lifestyle - oh well. Anyway time marches on and pretty soon I just won't care or won't know what's going on

Hi Mad123, I don't have personal experience with online dating sites, but I've seen members post about match.com before.

I imagine you will see some replies soon.

Sincerely, Rainy

I say please be careful. There are scammers on both free and paid sites. I never was a victim but i do know if anyone comes on too strong from the start. Plus if they ask for any money he or she is a scam artist.

One sentence replies, not sure about those. Ask her out, see what happens

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I would recommend not commenting on women's photos. Personally, I hate it and don't respond when I get those. It feels kind of creepy and superficial. Instead of talking about her appearance, talk about things she has written in her profile and things you might have in common. Given the huge flood of messages women receive on these sites, it would be a full-time job to respond to the people you aren't into. Women only tend to respond to the people hey are actually interested in. It's not rude to ignore a stranger you're not into who has commented on your appearance. It's what women do every day when we walk down the street. Most women are looking for someone who is going to stand out by saying something deeper and more engaging and not approach them like a pretty object.

A couple of things I'm having trouble with, although she's attractive she listed hunting, fishing and camping as some of her interests - these would be far down my list of fun things to do. So why am I pursuing this well she's my only option right now. Bottom line I'm having little trouble moving forward on this one. I don't see myself in a sleeping bag with a rifle. Anyway let me think about it - the overall experience with match.com had been less than satisfactory but I'm not giving up yet!

Rather than being interested in someone because she is your only option (not very flattering to her or to you), what if you change your approach, as scorpiosis is suggested?

Good job hanging in there though!

You're experiencing what the vast majority of men on dating sites experience. It seems that paid for sites are the same as free ones. I wouldn't bother with it. Save your money. Concentrate on meeting people with your travel group. Is there anybody there that you fancy? Suggest going out for social things with them; meals, theatre trips etc. Ask them to bring their friends. Put your efforts into meeting people IRL, in real situations rather thanwasting it online with women who, most of the time are just playing games.

Sometimes it seems like guys will write to anyone.It is almost like they send out a "form" email.

JMHO

Y so bitter?

I never replied to anyone if they commented on my appearance in the first message. It wouldn't matter to me how eloquently it was worded, I associate comments on my appearance with 1) cat-calls 2) pick up artists 3) predators.

Especially if they didn't comment on anything else in my profile - I would put plenty there and if all they could comment on was how I looked then I'd assume they didn't even bother.

I wouldn't feel obligated to go "thanks for the compliment" anymore than I would acknowledge someone cat-calling me. I don't owe anyone my attention.

Have you broadened your age searches to include women your age?

dating sites are kinda like playing darts when you're blind.

Really - women don't like being called beautiful or lovely? I know I'm new to this online dating game but I thought giving someone a compliment on their appearance would be okay. Especially if they're trying to look their best. I agree that you should also comment on their interests (which I have) but the way Match.com is set up they almost encourage you to make a comment on someone's appearance. A lot of the photos very glamorous looking - seems like they want you to notice how they look - guys are very visual. Guess I'm doing it all wrong????

Honestly? yes. especially on a dating site, full of guys looking for a hook up. Saying someone is cute or attractive is not a conversation starter and really is not something that is hard to do. I could go through a dating site and say many women re cute and be one to hope that one out of those many would respond and I'd get a connection or something. many guys are very lazy and that's ALL THEY DO. They don't think about thoughtful comments about profiles and most of the time that is what women.. no, people both m/f are looking for. someone that has more interest in them than their looks.

Part of the draw for dating sites online is this. You don't need to make a lifetime or even a short term commitment until you're ready to. You can check someone out, hear what they have to say and there is no cost to just dropping the conversation when you know it's not going anywhere or you're just plain not interested. The thing that makes people want to use this method is that, it's easy to do this without any kind of obligation. It's the nature of the beast. I know that doesn't seem like I'm trying to make you feel better but once you accept it and approach it more casually it will keep frustrating you.

Her one sentence responses may merely be that this is typical of her behavior. Some people are not as wordy as other people in text and online.

As a woman on a dating site currently, I can tell you that I get dozens of "you're beautiful" messages every day and I delete every one. Of course, you do want to choose a flattering picture to put up but I'm MUCH more interested in finding someone who matches my interests, education level, career path, etc. I am a person who wants to be treated with respect. The constant online "cat calls" have made me less open to online dating because it feels so much like the way I get harassed in real life. But it's hard to find new people any other way, so I just delete any messages about my appearance and focus on those who bother to read my profile and can write something intelligent and thoughtful. AFTER you have met someone in person and established a mutual connection, then you can compliment her appearance. But to do so in a first message on a dating site is a cat call and almost none of the women I know would respond well to that. Most of us automatically delete these.

Everyone, male and female, wants to look their best to the people they are attracted too. Everyone enjoys compliments too, but there is a key difference between that and what you're doing: your first interaction with these women is commenting on their appearance.

On a dating site, it's kinda expected that anyone who messages you first finds you attractive enough to want to interact. So commenting on it during the initial meeting is rather unnecessary.

If any of the women seem too good to be true, be careful for scammers. Not everyone is honest.

You ignored my question though:

Have you broadened your searches to include women the same age as you?

I wouldn't correspond with people who like fishing, hunting and camping if am not into it. No matter how they look. Do you value looks so much that you are willing to go for someone you have nothing in common as long as she looks good?

Women perhaps aren't replying because they don't want strangers commenting on their looks. When you have a date with them then you can compliment them. No one is encouraging you to comment on their appearances.

Is there anything you value in women besides young age and good looks? Are there any women there that you might have things in common?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I love being called beautiful and lovely but not by men I have never even met. When you start dating them, then go ahead and compliment. Show interest in more than their looks. Otherwise it's on a creepy side....unless you just want a hookup

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This might help you. "Guys are very visual" is the quickest way to make me run in the opposite direction. Unless you're a film director, that comment tells me only one thing--you like looking at women. Experience has taught me when men say that it usually means naked women. So? What else do you have to recommend yourself as dating material? In addition I'd like to point out that women are "visual" too. I've yet to meet a woman who says she has a great hankering to go out with the scroungiest, creepiest looking guy she can find. I like handsome men--but I also find that the nicer the guy, the more handsome he is in my eyes.

The absolute best thing someone can do for him or herself is to be well-groomed and to present themselves truthfully. I'm reading between the lines here and you have something about you that is keeping you from meeting appropriate women. Either you are off-putting physically or you come across in a strange way verbally (or electronically in writing) or you are (perhaps unconsciously, yet deliberately) sabotaging your chances by approaching unavailable (to you, anyway) women.

And before anyone jumps on what I said, let me say that I don't think people have to be perfect physically. Men can be bald, women and men can be plump or very thin--it's about being well groomed and giving off a healthy vibe. I wouldn't want to date anyone scary or creepy.

I'm guessing that you are contacting people who have put up pictures -- and probably they are young women. I think you'd have far more luck if you concentrated on 40+ women; preferably 50+ women, and don't let no photo dissuade you; get to know the person first.

As far as the hunting-fishing gal goes; it might be helpful for you to decide what kind of guy you are first. Are you high maintenance, low or in-between? Do you like the outdoors and if so, in what way? Dining al fresco at a restaurant or sleeping under the stars in the wilderness? Those are two very different people. And while one person might like both scenarios, do you fit more on one side than the other? You will find women are the same--some will go more for one, some will go more for the other. When you travel, how do you travel? First class all the way, or something else? Answering all these questions about yourself will help you find the right people for you.

Frankly I am not interested in men who like really, really like to travel. I see a lot of online dating ads for those men. I have pets and I don't have time to travel. Most of the women you meet are going to have jobs (and if they don't, you have to wonder why not???) So jetting off to Paris on the spur of the moment is out. I'm not ready to retire yet. But if you are retired and do have the time to travel a lot; or just have a lot of time, period, then you should be checking out divorced women with great alimony (and no job) or retired women. Older women no longer look like grandmas of the past.

I see ads for guys who like the hottest spots in town. I can't stand crowds.

Those "glamorous" photos are probably scams if they are of young women.

If you are dead set on getting a 20 something, write your ad that way, state why you think you'd be a good catch for her, and be prepared to wait. You'll have to wade through all the scams and then choose from among young women who might have significant problems. I hope this helps.

I don't know if I can agree with all of this. I do think women appreciate compliments on their looks. As a man, it's the first thing I notice - sorry but it's true. I agree that ambition, intelligence, humor, etc are all good qualities, however, these probably won't be obvious until you actually have a conversation with the person. I still don't see anything inherently wrong with saying someone is beautiful if I think they are. It's really hard to focus on someone's other qualities when you don't know them. A lot of the profiles I've seen are pretty redundant - I like movies, books, food, walks, etc. That's not going to grab my attention but a lovely smile will. Sorry if I offend but we're talking intial impressions here.

You say above that are not satisfied with the results that you are getting. One option is to blame match.com. Another is to listen to the women here who have shared a fairly unanimous perspective with you, and change your approach.

Mac , that's the problem with dating sites ; Match, OK cupid, tinder whatever. We instantly dismiss someone as not worthy of our attention at a seconds glance. Would you do that IRL, of course not. Photos lie and people lie. You are an intelligent person, you know that. Judging someone on one photo is not only shallow but stupid. We all do it but we shouldn't.

Mac, you've had some really sensible honest comments from both women and men on this thread it's up to you what you do with them.

I'd just like to add, yes both men and women are visual when it comes to attraction, but that's not the total story - attraction can build as you get to know someone better and like them more.

I do agree making a 'You're beautiful' comment is unlikely to strike a good first impression, these women will receive lots of these comments and it won't make you stand out as someone who is worth pursuing.

My husband says when he first saw me he was smitten (we met IRL), but he didn't disclose that at the time because he knew it was inappropriate/creepy to objectify me like that when we barely knew each other, he got to know me as a person - we connected, THEN he told me he thought I was beautiful - it was a special moment.

By then I knew, liked, and trusted him - I knew he was not a chancer/game player, he was genuine. I'd had men I didn't know approach me in the street and tell me I was beautiful - it just creeped/freaked me out and made me feel like an object. Can you see the difference?

You don't have to agree and continue doing things the way you like them even if it is not what women want.

You can continue thinking that women like compliments from strangers even after many women told you it's not the case.

You can continue messaging women who you have nothing in common just because they are good looking or you can continue going for young women or refer to strangers as lovely and beatiful. Etc

But the bottom line is you aren't getting neither responses nor dates. So if you don't want to make changes you will continue complaining.

It makes me wonder if you are doing things wrong on purpose so you never actually have to meet anyone. Seems that way

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Guess what? Women are visual creatures too!!! Just as much as men are, but it isn't often the #1 priority.

Of course on a dating site I am going to notice their appearance, just like I would in person. And just like in person, I know my opinion may change once i know more about him.

On a dating site I don't need to worry as much about getting into a sticky situation due to being able to just end the conversation.

When reading a profile of someone who I think is gorgeous, I'm liable to go "eeuugh yuck" after reading his profile. Just like in person I might decide quickly into the conversation that I am by far not interested anymore. And the opposite is true - and for me, is pretty much true in most of the relationships I have had. Where I don't initially think of the guy as being super attractive. I won't think he is ugly, but I'll just be like 'eh he looks ok". But once I get to talk to them or read his profile? Then his attractiveness might go way up.

Which is the case of the guy I've met from the site. We aren't in a relationship, and are just friends for now. But you know what? He is so not photogenic that it's funny. His pictures didn't attract me, but they didn't turn me away. But the stuff he had in his profile gave me something of interest, and quickly in to messages with him I was like "wow I cannot believe we have that in common!" That happened because he read my profile. And that led the conversations.

But a compliment on my appearance? Either elicits "meh boring" or "ugh really!" Based on what else is said. Being attracted to someone goes without saying on dating sites. Commenting on it quickly indicates that my appearance matters more than the rest of me - which is a huge turn off for most people.

Again, for the third time: have you broadened your range to include women your age? I don't care how young you are actually looking, but are you finally looking at women who are within 3-years of you? Or are you still only looking at women 10+ years younger.

Nobody said women generally hate compliments or that you should never compliment a woman ever again.


What was said was...


In your initial message, write something that pertains to her profile, not her profile picture.


That way she will know you're interested in her as a person and wont immediately dismiss you.


I mean really now, how would that conversation even go if the woman did respond?


Mac: I think you look lovely.


Trippin: Thank you, uhmmm I think you're lovely too(?)


*Awkward silence ensues....

*Queue the death of any possible convo

Now if you mentioned how you also watch anime or are also in love with Stephen King...


Wow that would peak my interest and I would definitely want to respond.

Would probably end up chatting for a while and even repeatedly sharing info, personal favorites and comparing notes.

Make sense?


I hope so, because its been said, repeated and reiterated numerous times now.