[seeker1950]

I've realized during my break from summer grad classes and the lack of structure of my teaching job, that there at home, despite my pets and my many home improvement projects, the I am rattling around in my house kind of ...well, very! lonely! At the same time, I seriously ask myself, what would I do with a male presence in my space? I've conditioned myself here to be alone and also realize because of my bad experiences since my divorce, that relatiohships with the opposite sex haven't worked out, and, in fact, have been disastrously hurtful, taking long periods from which to recover. I've told myself that at some point one must learn and adjust, as I've done!
Any thoughts appreciated.
Patty

well.. you maybe relate.... be careful...

And not to be negative,,, but relationships are not all they are "cracked" up to be..

maybe a circle of really close friends... it does ease the loney part of not having a male/female relationship..

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Freewill, hun!
I do have good friends and family who love my company, and I agree with you about relationships not being all cracked up to what they should be. I think, though, that I am in a "grieving" stage at not ever having found the love of my life. Perhaps this is a fairy tale!
Love
Patty

[Wants2Fly]

Well, Patty, I found the love of my life when I was young -- but I was middle aged when I realized how selfish and stubborn I was to break up that marriage -- and it turned out to be too late.

I think you will find your way. Right now, I am listening to Caroline Myss's CD set about Archetypes and reading Jung and Jungians -- and it is giving me a better sense of myself in middle age.

Hugs and hugs. You are loved here, P.

[seeker1950]

I think we do attach to the love of our life when we are young...I remember the heartache, the physical missing of his presence...The loss of that at an early age really set me on a self-destructive path, marrying someone who was "safe" but whom I didn't love, staying for 20 years.
(This is stuff for a therapist, isn't it!)
At my age of 56, I doubt there is a man out there who could fill the void, or who would even want to be with me. I've realized though, in my marathon sleep sessions, that I miss rolling over and touching another human being.
I am going to check out your sources mentioned.
Thanks,
Patty

[seeker1950]

I just realized it sounds like I'm having a "pity party" here....Just igonore me!
Patty

[meander]

No it doesn't! I'm sorry you feel lonely... it must be hard. Makes me feel lucky, but don't forget even if you are with someone sometimes you can still feel completely alone...

You never know, maybe tomorrow you'll meet another love of your life :-) whatever happens, I hope you are happy

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Patty -- I don't think you are having a pity party. Sometimes, I felt very alone in Savannah and during the drive. My most recent X (four years gone) was a good traveler and could very funny. Because he was a trucker, I spent most of my home time alone during our 15 years together -- but I really missed him during the trip.

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Meander and Wants...
I marvel at couples who have been together for a long time, and to be truthful, don't know of one I would want to copy!
I think my grieving has more to do with letting go of romantic expectations, instilled from childhood onward.
I do know I'd never "settle" just for a partner for convenience....and would never just be with a man for financial security, etc.
I am going to post about meeting men in another thread here in Relationships...but will have to think about it for a while.
In the meantime, I am surveying my life as it is now...how it has evolved to what it has become.
Patty

[bebop]

hon one can be lonely even being married.
have you thought about having a male friend for like dinner and movies maybe? someone you can send home! I think if I ever got another divorce I would find a companion. nothing serious again.

<font color="#000088">I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. I can relate to that. I haven't been in a intimate relationship since March 31st, 2004. That was the day my ex-fiance tried to kill me, and got arrested, and the relationship was officially over, for good! I think I've been afraid to enter into another relationship since then, because of what had happened with that last one. It had been a 4 year relationship, and ended in 1 day! I know you had a bad experience as well with a relationship to. It makes it difficult to trust another Man again, after going through what we did! But I think that the idea of having that good circle of friends around you, could really help with the loneliness. I know it won't replace an intimate relationship, but at least you would have the support of people that really care about you, that aren't going to hurt you. And you can PM or E-mail me anytime if you need someone to talk to. I know how the loneliness feels, and what a dark feeling it can bring you! So just know that I will always be here for you! </font>

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Justice...
You're so sweet to respond to this thread, as I realize it's really trivial...I mean...there are people here with real problems, and this was just a whine!
I've thought a lot about what I'm really going thru, and I think it's an attitude adjustment due to age (56), to no longer feeling attractive or having the desire to be attractive, to my long history, and to realizing I'm too lazy to put forth the effort! Dating and getting to know someone requires a lot of energy (at least from me!), and it hasn't paid off in the past though i plunged into it with my all.
I don't even feel motivated to have a male social friend, and, quite frankly, doubt there are many such men out there. The last fella I let visit me here at my home was an old high school friend (we had even had a folk music band together), recently divorced. He let me know up front that he was "ready to sew his oats, and we could have a "lot of fun" having sex! I was SO disappointed. I liked him as friend, and felt we had much in common....Needless to say, he has not visited me again, since I made it clear I was not interested in his agenda.
I want to admit here also, that being a teacher, not going out to bars or church, I am not in a position to meet men, and actually wouldn't much want to meet men in either of those venues...no barflies or churchy guys! So, since my divorce, I"ve relied on meeting men thru singles' sites such as Match.com....From these experiences...over a period of 11 years, I now liken this to throwing a hook into the ocean and pulling out who knows what kind of monster!
So...now I don't feel so lonely.
Thanks and loving thoughts!
Patty

you could find a gay friend. they are loads of fun and will help you decorate your house....at least mine does.......

[Direction]

I like bebops response...I've stopped looking for a deep relationship and started looking for some companionship.

It is though a word place to be as you never know when you will want more or if the other will?

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Patty -- I don't think all men at churches are churchy guys. There's open-minded denominations such as Science of Mind (which is NOT scientology), Unity, Unitarian and Society of Friends. There's also metaphysical groups such as Theosophy Society. Even if you don't meet The Guy, it will get you out a bit more.

I try to get to a monthly women's dinner at a Science of Mind church, unless work has piled up. I've been going to a Theosophy meeting, but I think I will be switching to Center for Jung Studies, as soon as it starts back up in the Fall. As the Stones sang, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes, you get what you need."

[seeker1950]

Thanks for reminding me of this, Wants! I actually had dreams last night of finding spiritual fulfillment thru attending some sort of church. This aspect of my life, which has been very important to me in the past, has been lacking in my present. I'm going to give this serious thought and investigation.
Patty

<font color="#000088">I've found that you can find spiritual fulfillment within yourself, and that you don't necessarily need to attend a certain Church or Religion in order to find it. But if you do find one that makes you feel comfortable, happy, and gives you peace in your heart, than I think that would be great! I wish you the best in your search for fulfillment in Spirituality!
I have a book called "The Teachings of Buddha", and I just love that book, it helps me a lot!
J</font>

[Wants2Fly]

I do not have much family or friends, so getting out to functions sponsored by like-minded metaphysical or churchy groups is the best way for me to make an effort to form connections.

[seeker1950]

I am actually quite reclusive, though when I am in the presence of others, I'm friendly and open to conversation.
I also don't have family and friends nearby. I'm thinking you have a good solution to this, and I should be seeking out meetings, groups, and spiritual endeavors.
Patty

[Wants2Fly]

Don't get me wrong, Patty -- it is genuinely an effort for an old curmudgeon like me to get out, but my T says I have to force myself. I do not go out nearly as often as I probably ought for my mental health, and a day spent without having to drive anywhere is heavenly.

<font color="#000088">I don't have any friends around here, and my family doesn't really care about me. So the only real friends I have are friends I've met here on the internet, and my friends in California back home. Plus my best friend from here that moved out of State in June!
So the only times I really get out of my apartment are to go to my Therapist appts., and my MedDoc.appts.,PDoc.appts., filling my prescriptions when they are due, and to get my grocery shopping done. Plus when it comes time to pay the bills, I usually go get that taken care of, but you know they don't all come on the same day, so I get out pretty often. It's just my getting out of the house isn't a positive socializing experience for me, there always places I need to go to get things done, and appointments I need to be at. But there is really no fun in my life though. So I see where you need to get the socializing part in with your idea with some type of meeting of some sort, to add some positive "getting out of the house" to your life!
It can be frustrating when you only get out because you need to for something, yet no fun involved! </font>

[seeker1950]

Justice, sweetie,
I think it's like Wants says, you have to force yourself to do such things. I haven't done that, but am starting to ponder it seriously.
Love
Patty

<font color="#000088">You're right, if only I was back home. I'd have so many things I could do for fun! Here, there's really not much to do. And there's no way I'm joining the religion here (Mormons)! But I would like to get back to my daily walks, it's a routine I used to have, before I got really sick and went a year to where I couldn't even walk 1/2 block! But I think if I really tried, in the early morning,before it gets too hot. I might be able to get my walks in. I could at least make an effort. Thanks Seeker, and best of luck to you!
((((((((((Seeker))))))))))</font>

[seeker1950]

You sound just like me, Justice! I have to walk when it's cool here, and right now it's a heat wave!...mid 90's. I had been walking during the night, even at 3 a.m. around my block, and afterward slept so well and felt much more healthy and optimistic. I just go around the block several times...No one is awake, the street is safe and quiet. May do it tonight!
Love
Patty

<font color="#000088">That sounds like a good idea, if I ever have a night to where I can't sleep. I could just go for my walk at that time. But, the only thing I would possibly have to deal with by doing that, is that there are many methamphetamine users and addicts in my area. So if a Police Officer saw me out walking at that time of night, he would surely stop me, and search me for drugs,or paraphanelia, check to see if I'm under the influence, which would just be a hassle. He would'nt find anything on me, and he'd be able to see that I'm not under the influence and he'd let me go on my way, but it would bother me, being hassled like that in the first place, just for going for a walk. But that's my area's reputation for you! But it would still be worth getting my walk in, if I can't sleep anyway!
Thanks for the idea!
J</font>