Codependency

leomama · Aug 15, 2016, 10:05 AM

I also have a mood disorder which I really need to own as that is what is causing my unhappiness. I am getting help with it. I'm really not finding this thread helpful at all. I really appreciate people's time and energy. Thank you.

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leomama · Aug 15, 2016, 10:08 AM

Hi, not from la, and I guess I wanted to 'vent' and I see I should not have. Yes I'm going to be posting about it because it is affecting me but this sub forum is not the right one for me. I'm grateful for the attention to my problem. As I have not seen this man in a year and have been clear I don't want to resume the relationship until he is divorced a relationship sub forum is not the right forum to deal with this. My mistake.

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leomama · Aug 15, 2016, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

If you are happy and content with this man and he is wonderful, then it doesn't really matter what everyone else says. I wouldn't get upset. But you come across unhappy and one of the reasons might be that you are with a man who is not well suitable as a partner due to being a liar and perhaps other not so so nice things.

You certainly didn't cause him to be this way so no one is blaming you. You are simply making your choices to stay with him and these choices making you are unhappy. So perhaps you may consider different course of action when it comes to choosing and staying with these types of men. But again as hard as it may be it's your choice, no one else's

I would hesitate to constantly diagnose and label people. Unless he shared with you his official diagnosis, saying he has BPD or npd or Aspergers etc is a bit uncalled for, and of course he denies it. Also the official diagnosis would ASD ( autism spectrum disorder as what they used to diagnose as Asperger is a mild form of ASD) , I do this for a living.

Honestly no man is worth to neglect your dignity and self respect and I am glad you are working on improving your codependency. Are you are addressing the issue with this man at your meetings and with therapist?

I think it's really horrid he "proposed" to you while married to someone else and lying to you that he isn't. It is like all times low. I don't understand how it's ok or a sign of any type of commitment. It's mortifying. You certainly can do better than this.

I hope your meeting and therapy could help you to make good choices in the future

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I find this post very patronizing but I'm still responding just to say I appreciate the acronym. I have been discussing this with his father as he and his wife have speculated he has ASD of their own accord. I actually have done a lot of reading on it but not as much as on BPD and NPD. Why the interest in PD? Because I used to have a PD NOS. I've done 4 rounds of DBT. Ok that's enough out of me. Thank you for reading.

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divine1966 · Aug 15, 2016, 11:36 AM

One can post on relationship forum even if they aren't in a relationship. One can get support regardless.

But in a situation with this man, it is extremely confusing as you post a bit contradictory things, if you aren't in a relationship with him then it's confusing when you call him boyfriend or a partner. Just recently, certainly less than a year ago, you said you are getting married and were upset that he spent 2k on something without discussing with you but now turns out he is married to someone else and you aren't even in a relationship with him. It's confusing. It's hard to be helpful when situations are presented in a contradictory manner

Also when you get replies you don't like, you add more confusing details that makes it even more confusing.

If he is your ex and you are devastated that he lied he was married and you are trying to cope with it, then it's very different situation and it is very understandable you are hurt and i really feel sorry as its a painful situation. No one wants to be lied to. Hang in there

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leomama · Aug 15, 2016, 11:40 AM

Hi. Not sure about the 2k. Can you remind me of that.
Why did I post about codependency? Because someone accused me of being codependent . That was very insulting to me because I have been addressing my codependency issues off and on for over 2 decades.
Then I get accused of using my PTSD as a crutch.
I can see that expressing my frustration at being told I was codependent did not help.
See I experience that as disordered behavior: insult someone by calling them codependent.
As I am not the only person who had a problem with the person who called me codependent .
Thank you for reading.

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divine1966 · Aug 15, 2016, 11:42 AM

Also it's a bit wrong of his dad and wife trying to diagnose him behind his back and ask you to be a part of this ( unless you are trained in it, why are they asking you to read on it, can't they read themselves?) they sound as dysfunctional as the guy himself. What a mess

Also if it's an open marriage ( clearly wife knows her husband has been romantically involved with you) why does he need to lie about it?

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leomama · Aug 15, 2016, 11:44 AM

Hi. The dad and the wife have a long history with him and the more I post about this the less comfortable I get. My point was I am not codependent. That didn't go anywhere. He is a part of this whole conversation. There is no behind the back. Where did you get that impression? This conversation feels decidedly unsafe to me and I need to stop participating in it. Thank you for your help.

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seesaw · Aug 15, 2016, 11:51 AM

I did not "accuse" you of using your PTSD as a crutch. I was trying to provide helpful feedback about the things that you say and present to us. I am going to stop responding because it's just not worth it. You only want to hear what you want to hear, and you won't even tell us what it is you want to hear from us so we can help.

Good luck.

divine1966 · Aug 15, 2016, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

Hi. Not sure about the 2k. Can you remind me of that.
Why did I post about codependency? Because someone accused me of being codependent . That was very insulting to me because I have been addressing my codependency issues off and on for over 2 decades.
Then I get accused of using my PTSD as a crutch.
I can see that expressing my frustration at being told I was codependent did not help.
See I experience that as disordered behavior: insult someone by calling them codependent.
As I am not the only person who had a problem with the person who called me codependent .
Thank you for reading.

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I remember I didn't know he was married to someone else because you said you two are getting married and he spent 2k on psych visits and it will not work when you two are married. It was confusing to me now to find out you aren't even with him as a couple. Unless it is a different man.

I never said anything about codependency but I am not sure why you call it "accused". Codependency just is what one might struggle with, it's not something to be accused of. I don't think saying someone is codependent is an insult or accusations. People just base it of what you share. It is not offensive slur IMHO

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divine1966 · Aug 15, 2016, 11:56 AM

Overall what type of support do you want? It's painful to see someone that unhappy and there is no way we can endorse this mans bad behavior. We also can't diagnose him online. So what type of support would you prefer?

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leomama · Aug 15, 2016, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Overall what type of support do you want? It's painful to see someone that unhappy and there is no way we can endorse this mans bad behavior. We also can't diagnose him online. So what type of support would you prefer?

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Hi divine. I don't remember saying he paid 2k on therapy . I have only been involved with one man in the time I've been on psych central. I don't feel comfortable talking about the situation at hand because I feel like I'm getting attacked and I feel unsafe. I do appreciate you trying to help. I can see you are being sincere and genuine. Thank you.

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healingme4me · Aug 15, 2016, 09:03 PM

I'm logged back in since codependency was on my mind and what it means and has meant for me. I'm adding without getting into the rest of the conversation nor reading the rest of the conversation, as I'm a bit busy with something else in my personal life and had an *aha* and just wanted to mention it in terms of codep. So if this is well out of place then I apologize for that part.

Codep gets such a bad wrap because even in reading the older definitions, never mind the gunk I've seen within the past year, it delves into the word "control." and I'm typically taken aback with the notion that it's codeps doing the controlling in a relationship.

To me, it's about control in the sense of wanting some semblance of stability in a not so stable environment brought upon by the second party of the relationship.

I just didn't want anyone to feel awful about such a label because it feels akin to blame the victim, with or without victimization. That's just my opinion, of course.

The idea of rescuing is truly about trying to create stability amidst chaos.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

leomama · Aug 15, 2016, 09:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm logged back in since codependency was on my mind and what it means and has meant for me. I'm adding without getting into the rest of the conversation nor reading the rest of the conversation, as I'm a bit busy with something else in my personal life and had an *aha* and just wanted to mention it in terms of codep. So if this is well out of place then I apologize for that part.

Codep gets such a bad wrap because even in reading the older definitions, never mind the gunk I've seen within the past year, it delves into the word "control." and I'm typically taken aback with the notion that it's codeps doing the controlling in a relationship.

To me, it's about control in the sense of wanting some semblance of stability in a not so stable environment brought upon by the second party of the relationship.

I just didn't want anyone to feel awful about such a label because it feels akin to blame the victim, with or without victimization. That's just my opinion, of course.

The idea of rescuing is truly about trying to create stability amidst chaos.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Thank you the problem was is I'm well aware I have codependency issues and have been working on them. I probably shouldn't have wrote this because it was basically me feeling insulted by something someone said to me. It is very easy to be codependent in a relationship with a mentally ill person.

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Aug 15, 2016, 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm logged back in since codependency was on my mind and what it means and has meant for me. I'm adding without getting into the rest of the conversation nor reading the rest of the conversation, as I'm a bit busy with something else in my personal life and had an *aha* and just wanted to mention it in terms of codep. So if this is well out of place then I apologize for that part.

Codep gets such a bad wrap because even in reading the older definitions, never mind the gunk I've seen within the past year, it delves into the word "control." and I'm typically taken aback with the notion that it's codeps doing the controlling in a relationship.

To me, it's about control in the sense of wanting some semblance of stability in a not so stable environment brought upon by the second party of the relationship.

I just didn't want anyone to feel awful about such a label because it feels akin to blame the victim, with or without victimization. That's just my opinion, of course.

The idea of rescuing is truly about trying to create stability amidst chaos.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Agreed. I feel it has more to do with the need for stability. Probably unhealthy and a form of addiction in itself, however....

Is it a bad thing? I guess anything is if we want it to be. Probably, if I looked on webmd and here long enough, I would find myself to be a great big mess

healingme4me · Aug 15, 2016, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Agreed. I feel it has more to do with the need for stability. Probably unhealthy and a form of addiction in itself, however....

Is it a bad thing? I guess anything is if we want it to be. Probably, if I looked on webmd and here long enough, I would find myself to be a great big mess

Whether it's good or bad, I don't believe it's either.

I have a strong tendency to want to rescue. Doesn't make me a control freak, which I certainly know that I am not. It might raise my stress levels. It's a quality that can have great benefit in many ways and as long as I am aware of it and can ask myself what's my motive or if that need causes harm, then it is what it is. I find it a quality that is tempered with knowing where my lines are and how to assert myself when those lines are bending or being crossed. It benefits me in the workplace. And brings caution in relationships, motherhood included. Took me a long time to have this minor aha moment. It's involving child support at this moment in my life. But neither here nor there to your post.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

leomama · Aug 15, 2016, 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Whether it's good or bad, I don't believe it's either.

I have a strong tendency to want to rescue. Doesn't make me a control freak, which I certainly know that I am not. It might raise my stress levels. It's a quality that can have great benefit in many ways and as long as I am aware of it and can ask myself what's my motive or if that need causes harm, then it is what it is. I find it a quality that is tempered with knowing where my lines are and how to assert myself when those lines are bending or being crossed. It benefits me in the workplace. And brings caution in relationships, motherhood included. Took me a long time to have this minor aha moment. It's involving child support at this moment in my life. But neither here nor there to your post.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

Oh I had to fight for two years to get my court awarded child support but that was a different relationship with different issues. I first learned how to be codependent in my family of origin so at this point in my life id like to think I have a handle on things like my relationships.

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healingme4me · Aug 15, 2016, 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by leomama

Oh I had to fight for two years to get my court awarded child support but that was a different relationship with different issues. I first learned how to be codependent in my family of origin so at this point in my life id like to think I have a handle on things like my relationships.

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I'm not sure that every lesson "learned" is so simple to unlearn. My marriage was by and large codep on my part as were previous relationships. Much learned care of my mom. And even 6+years after she's left this green earth, I'm still catching little moments of understanding what was her kindness as opposed to what was her dependency/pleasing aspects. To be too forgiving to a flaw, was where I didn't learn how to effectively assert myself.

My child support has been established since February 2010. I'm inwardly resolving my desire to want to be compassionate and offer a bend/adjustment. But a close friend reminded me, that this is my exes situation to fix. Meaning he needs to go find extra work since he's not saddled by the caregiving of our sons. So, to rescue or not rescue was the question. I would be enabling if I offer to take the burden. I already am burdened enough.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

leomama · Aug 16, 2016, 01:34 AM

Hmm, after 2 years of pursuing child support I finally got it. Codependency is not an issue with the men in my life or any adult, however parenthood can be challenging .

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leomama · Aug 19, 2016, 05:45 PM

Hi. I am a single parent now. What I was referring to is my child has a substance abuse problem, codependent = co-alcoholic or co-addict. Since this isn't a relationship issue but a parenting issue I may post about that on the parenting board later. I have belonged to an anonymous program for family and friends of people with alcohol or drug problems for 12-13 years and I do go to a parents group. I do get support there . Thank you for your input.

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