Help, My girlfriend was a Stripper, Now she is the best women ever.

After my girlfriend and I got together, she told me she use to be a stripper.
At the time i wasnt taking her that serious, so to be honest it was horrible but i didnt really care. Aside from stripping, i believe she slept with a lot of men. Of course i found this terrible but again, i thought she would be someone just to waist my time with. All her life (until recently) she has been very insecure, seeking and needing valation from men and people for her outer appearance. It is apparent that she never had a sense of selfworth after some of the trauma in her life. Her father left her was she was a kid and since, she lived in a disfunctional home with family. She was molested once before in her life but remembers very little of the incident or has suppressed it (which is why i dont understand why she became hyper sexual instead or not wanting to engage at all). She would jump into a relationship/hook up, then into another. Some relationship normal and others very sickening causing her depression and PTSD. She was a horrible person, the type of person perhaps no man would ever want to marry, everything she did was a matter of choice... However she has drastically changed! She is a completely different person, the type of woman any man would love to marry. I want to marry her but I have a huge issue that is ripping me apart. The better she becomes, I fall more in love with who she is today. Also the better she becomes, the more i see the disgust of the person she use to be and who i use to date. Throughout the day, i have panic attacks thinking of her gross past (the stripping, sexual hypersexualization, sexual relationships, probably even prostitution) Thinking about everything she did and stood for. I have so many questions in my head that will never be answered. I have entered into a depression because I WANT TO MARRY THE GIRL, she is so perfect but her face and presence is a reminder of what i hate more than anything in life. I am afraid i will have these thoughts on my mind for as long as i live. I dont know how to remove these thoughts, images and memories of her out of my head. I am reminded of this on a daily basis. I have severe PTSD and depression. I dont want to live life like this! And i dont want to live life like this with her but i also can not stand the thought of not being with her. Help me, i am so very desperate.

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Hi peaceseeker16! I can see this from both sides of the story, I am not a professional by any means, but hopefully my input may help shed some light on this difficult situation.

Would it be fair for me to say that your biggest fear is that she is "putting on an act"? You don't know everything that happened in her past life and you are imagining the worst (prostitution). You might have struggles with these persistent thoughts that might affect your sexual attraction toward her, but you need to ask yourself, how much of those thoughts are true? You must find the root of why you feel this way, is it jealousy? Is it fear of potential cheating? Perhaps, it's her possibly leaving you in the future? Trust me, I can relate to being plagued with thoughts the "gross past" of others myself, but personally had to remind myself not to judge.

In your girlfriend's case, she's had to live in a dysfunctional environment, where you may or may not have. However, the way she was raised is a dark contrast to how average people are brought up. The reason why she is the best person ever, is because she is finally loved (by you). She has probably never felt real love before. I could guess that she was on a hunt for real love since her dad left. She "learned" (dysfunction) that men will give her love based on her looks. The sad thing is, she probably learned this at such an early age, that she became very skilled at it, and found a way to do it for money. Stripping. If she didn't love and trust you to her utmost, I'm sure she wouldn't have revealed her dark past. She is likely afraid of losing you, as you are of her. So, if she is the great woman you say she is, I can assure you, that she feels absolutely disgusting and wretched about her past. Maybe even cries about it sometimes.

I wouldn't press the issue with discovering more of her past, but I would suggest individual counselling for yourself before going to couple's counselling, which would be strongly suggested before committing to marriage.

I really hope this helped.

I'm glad she has changed but I would give this more time before jumping to marriage. She may just be putting on a show to keep you. It sounds like she has a lot of insecurities and touch of BPD along with the PTSD you mentioned and that stuff doesn't disappear over night.

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The thing is i know deep down and in my heart that she has changed. Who she is now, is exactly who she has always wanted to be. So I dont doubt her genuineness for a second. I believe she has finally found her path and i believe this new path is the one she will always follow... In fact, many times, she keeps even myself grounded. This is not the issue. The issue is my head, my thoughts, my memory... Im triggered by everything.

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An outsiders take on this:

She has had a lot of partners and worked in the sex industry in her past. This fact can't be changed.

You feel disgusted by the previous lifestyle/career she had. Can your disgust be changed? Do you feel that this is something you can ever come to terms with? That is the only part of this situation you can have any control of.

No, my disgust about these types of topics can never be changed.
I dont ever think i can ever come to terms with knowing or thinking she could've ever done such a thing. But the thing is that I deal with them as separate entities. I don't see her as the old her. It's almost like I'm dealing with an ex-girlfriend that was a stripper. But the thing is that my current girlfriend reminds me of her. This is what I'm trying to fix.

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OK, you've just answered your own question.
You, perhaps more than her, need HELP.
If this was my issue (and it used to be) I'd go looking for help with my thinking and feelings in any way possible. I'd start with a counselor or a (cheap) support group such as ACOA, or CODA (google them) and learn how to manage these disturbing thoughts and feelings and NOT look for ways to fix or change your girl friend. Leave it up to her to go looking for help, if she feels a need for it.
good luck fixing your own mental issues, jim

Well we are all products of our life experiences, whatever her earlier lifestyle was it will have helped shape who she is today - not necessarily in a negative way either.

Sometimes we can seek people who trigger us as part of our own issues, I don't fully understand why this happens myself but it can. As this is the second girlfriend you have who is ex-sex industry worker maybe this is something that might apply to you (or maybe it is a coincidence).

Forgive me for being blunt, but if you're never going to be able to reconcile your girlfriend's past with the person she is today then I think you should find somebody else. Her past is what it is. Many people have difficult pasts and engaged in questionable behavior earlier in life, only to grow and become better people for themselves, myself included. If I found out that my girlfriend harbored irremovable disgust for me, that relationship would be ended. No question. Your girlfriend is not two people and you cannot successfully treat her as such. She is the singular evolution of her own life. If you honestly feel like you can't deal with that, then do both parties a favor and move on.

Im sorry maybe i said it incorrectly...
Shes the first girlfriend thats worked in a sex industry. What i am trying to say is that i think of her as two separate entities. One entity is her as a person of her past, the bad and indecent person. And the second entity, the goo woman she is today.
So what i am trying to say is... She is one person but In my head, shes two separate entities... But the good her reminds me of the bad her. The better she becomes, the more i see the old her.

Its like having a girlfriend that reminds you of an ex girlfriend. Maybe its the sound of her voice, her physical appearance, maybe they have the same name.... But its a reminder each time...

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I suppose you just have to get it through your head that indeed this is the same person. How did she come to change? Has she gotten professional help for her questionable behaviors? Did she change for YOU? Are you guys still in the honeymoon phase? Never jump to anything in the honeymoon phase. I'm just speaking from experience. I've always had men where in I thought they were changed for me and they loved me enough to be better. But everytime, their true self came out in the future during a fight or after a few drinks. But I see the problem is that you can't get over her past? Well if indeed you absolutely cannot stop being bothered by it, then I'd move on.

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I'm sorry, I misunderstood, thank you for clarifying that for me.

What you are describing sounds very much like 'black & white' thinking, if you want to Google that if you are unfamiliar.

I feel like maybe the "better" she becomes, the wider the gap between who she was and who she is...and that is what makes you consider her past as being someone else...

Contrast is what makes us notice anything. The more ideal she is to you (the more besotted you are), the less acceptable her former self becomes. In a way, you are contributing (by either your effect on her, or by your perception only) to who she is now.

I don't always make myself understood...

Trust me that the time will come when you are don't feel the same as you do now...and her past will come rushing back to her in the form of whatever you say in your anger. It takes a great deal of self-control to not do that in the heat of the moment.
It's up to you how acceptable this is to you.

Is her self-esteem such that she will forgive you for your mistakes during the tough times? The rest is easy.

My suggestion is to discuss this situation with a therapist. I think that you can change your feelings about her old self.

One question: how long have you known this girl?

Ive known her for a year before i started dating her. Weve been together for a year and a half.

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Alright, and how long was she stripping/sleeping around for? What made her change? Does she have any addictions? Does she have a job? Any mental health issues?

To be honest, personally, I would be more concerned about whether or not she has changed. I'd be worried that I'd get into a relationship with someone who will go back to being that old person somewhere down the road (whether it takes months, years, however long). Because I think it's quite rare for someone to change to that extent, and for the ones that do it takes effort and a long time.

Everyone walks their own path. There is nothing horrible about stripping. There is also nothing wrong with prostitution - aside from how the women are treated.

Those may not be mainstream opinions, but it was her body and her life. She can do what she wants with them. The person who molested her did what they wanted with her body and life - and there is nothing alright with that (I know you agree with that).

She deserves better than what you are giving her. She deserves someone who understands that the abuse she suffered caused her to make choices that she has made and has now changed.

She is one person. Not two. If you feel disgust for her past, then you feel disgust for her. That is not a healthy relationship for her to be in.

Though I believe OP may have issues of his own, I imagine the majority of healthy men/women would feel concerned, and may even feel disgusted.

I would not want to have a relationship with a stripper or a prostitute. That goes against the kind of life I want to build with my partner, and I don't think that is conducive to eventually starting a family together. A healthy family.

Yes, she can do what she wants with her life. The same way you can do what you want with yours. But so can everyone else. I can decide that I don't want to have to deal with someone else's BS, or disorder. Wanting to be with someone who I can have a healthy relationship with does not make me a bad person. What types of people are attracted to unhealthy relationships? Unhealthy people. They don't ignore the other person's disorder because they're this special one-of-a-kind person, they do so because they are damaged themselves in one way or another.

It seems therapy teaches people that there's no concept of right and wrong when it comes to morals, etc, and no one should judge another person. That is absurd. I think we need to get back to living in the real world. No one is obliged to deal with another person's dysfunction for the rest of their lives.

Disgusted that someone has a past? What BS? What disorder? The person in question is, by OP himself, described as having overcome a difficult past and is "the type of woman any man would love to marry". The crux of the issue is that OP can't reconcile the fact that the woman he has had this interest in was, at one point, a stripper. Though, originally, he merely overlooked this "terrible" matter because he thought she was just "someone to waste time with". But because she has this past that made her a "horrible" person, OP can't get over it. So the best that can be done is supposedly trying to look at her as two different people.

You're right, no one is obliged to deal with another person's dysfunction. God knows I wouldn't be obliged to have my significant other view my life with abhorrence and disgust.

No, not disgusted that someone has a past. Disgusted about what that person did in that past. I wouldn't be comfortable with it either.

My post was in response to A Red Panda who suggested that her behavior isn't something the OP should feel disgusted about. I don't think that is fair. Many people wouldn't feel OK about being with someone who has had that kind of a past.

My concerns wouldn't be the same as OPs, however. My concern would be whether this person truly has given up that behavior (which I find disgusting, and not the kind of person I want to have a relationship with). And I wonder if at some level that is OPs concern also... that there's some cognitive dissonance as a result of how this person behaved in the past, and how they are behaving now.

We all have the right to choose the kind of relationships we want. I personally don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is a stripper, or a prostitute. That's my choice. Likewise, I might not want to be in a relationship with someone who has a mental health problem (which I'm not saying she has, I'm speaking in general). Again, my choice. That doesn't make someone a bad person.

Also, I'm not defending OP. I suspect he has issues of his own.

I don't think anyone is obligated to be with a former stripper or a prostitute. It's ridiculous to say that it shouldn't matter. Everyone has personal preferences. It's like saying that we must date everyone who comes along and disregard our preferences. I wouldn't date former male escort regardless if he did this because he was abused. I don't think it makes me some evil person.

Saying that since OP chose to be with a former prostitute he needs to stop judging and learn to move on or just stop being with this girl. If her past is disgusting to you then there is no need to be with this girl. There are plenty of others

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We all decide what constitutes a 'deal breaker' for us in relationship. I think OP, if it is a deal breaker for you that someone has not previously had many partners or worked in sex industry then it's something you need to get sorted in your own head. Only you can know if there is any possibility you'll feel differently about her past - listen to your gut here. She is the same person, her past is part of her and will have shaped who she is today.

I do agree with others that there will be other men out there who will not be disgusted by her past, who will be willing to accept that part of her life, and are possibly better suited to her as a partner because of this.

If you want to maintain a relationship with this woman, but find her past to be an obstacle, then seeing a therapist might help you get past the obstacle.

Umm here is your problem entirely. Fact. They are issues of the same person you are with now, she is not a different entity and as long as she lives her past will not be something you can separate. YOU DO need to come to terms with the past of hers or you need to let her go. To be honest it's not fair to her if indeed she has changed as much as she has and that's not impossible, many people grow, learn and change from pasts they are less than proud of. If you dwell on her past and try to pretend it's a different person you're dealing with you're only going to have that blow up in your face someday when something forces you to accept that she is the same person in a different phase of her life, hopefully a better one but still, the same person. You're deceiving yourself in order to not deal with the reality that she has a past that you refuse to accept.

Either accept the person you are with entirely, whole heartedly and without prejudice or move on to find that unblemished woman you expect to find (good luck with that tho since not a single one of us is free of some guilt in our pasts)