Am I a bad mother for stepping back from my 22 year old daughter?

I need some advice here please. My daughter is 22 years old. She moved over an hour away from me to live with a 29 year old guy who lives with his parents. She met this guy at college. She lives in the parents home rent free. She works and blows her money. He does not work. Instead he takes out a lot of college loans and then blows that money. According to my daughter the guy's parents have decided to sell the house and move to another state. So she found herself an apartment. Got approved. Told me the guy was not going to move in with her. Now today she said he was trying to get approved to live in the apartment with her. She is angry because the community college she is now going to did not offer her any loans. She only received grants to pay for her studies. Which I think is good because loans she would have to pay back. She works all the time but won't save her money. Now she is angry with me for suggesting that this guy should get a job and help her pay the required fees it takes to get into the apartment. According to her she was depending on the college loans to get into the apartment. Anytime I say anything about this guy she gets angry with me. She's been with this guy over a year and there has been many things she has told me complaining about him and his family. No matter what I say she flips the script on me and gets angry because I don't approve of how she is living or approve of this 29 year old guy who sits on his butt all day while she works double shifts. I am so sick of this emotional roller coaster she has me on. I have a lot of issues myself that I need to figure out. When is it okay to just step back and tell her that she is on her own and needs to figure things out? She won't listen to any reasoning I offer and refuses my offer to move back home and let me help her. So do I just wash my hands of the situation? Would that mean I'm giving up on my daughter? Our relationship is not healthy. Am I a bad mother for stepping back? Any thoughts or suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thanks so much for reading this very long post.

Now would be a good time to step back. She's old enough to make decisions and wants to be independent. Let her make those choices, for good or ill. Provide a caring ear but let her live her life. Sometimes falling down is what it takes for people to learn. You won't be a bad mother for stepping back; in fact you'll be a smart mom.

Please don't ever feel bad for helping your daughter grow on her own. I think stepping back for the time being is a good idea and if she come to and realises her beau isn't all the wonderful she may reach out to you. Of course you can always be there for her but take time for yourself before you deal with a problem she doesn't want to solve currently.

I agree wholeheartedly with Fharraige. Now is a good time.

I think it is totally appropriate to step back as she is 22. Are there any drugs or alcohol involved?

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[QUOTE=leomama;5244259]I think it is totally appropriate to step back as she is 22. Are there any drugs or alcohol involved?

I know she does not do drugs or drink but I have wondered about her boyfriend. She swears that he doesn't. But honestly I have no way of really knowing the truth.

Thank y'all for your responses. It really means a lot to me. I've known that I needed to step way back from her. I sent her off to college at a University and she meta this guy. She moved out of her college dorm into an apartment with this guy. He stopped working. They moved in with his parents. He worked for a couple of months and then stopped again. She stopped going to the University and started attending community college and working all the time. This guy does nothing to help benefit her life. I just cannot wrap my head around all this. Here she wants to move into yet another apartment with him! His parents are sick of his lazy ways according to her and that's why they decided to sell their house and move to another state. The idea of this guy living off of my daughter just makea me so angry. It is so hard to take an even bigger step back when I know she's on the wrong track. I'm a single parent and I raised her on my own. We don't have any family either. So it hurts me deeply to know that I cannot do anything to stop this train wreck. I understand that at 22 she is old enough to make her own decisions and if she falls on her face well she'll just have to learn from it.

As someone who has been at the crossroad you are at (I have 23 year old twin sons), I think stepping back is the best thing to do.

It was an extremely difficult decision for me, so I understand your concerns about this. There just comes a time when people need to learn lessons on their own, even if that may include a fall of some sort.

Don't get discouraged if things get worse between the two of you before they get better, and that may happen.

Good Luck.

Thank you! I know you are exactly right. I just need to let her live her life and figure things out for herself. It just gets really hard when she calls or texts me to complain about the boyfriend or his family. But then if I suggest the guy get a job I am such a horrible monster. I never raised her to allow a guy to walk all over her the way he does. I wanted her to have the best life possible but I'm afraid that he will be her road block.

As an alternative style of conversation, you might want to try "active listening".

In active listening, you "reflect back" what the person thinks and/or feels, without judging it or giving advice.

For example, when she says that she is upset with her boyfriend, you might say something like You are really frustrated with him right now. Or You resent that he doesn't contribute more. Or You just wish his parents would support him more.

You do your best to figure out what she feels and means and you say those feelings and meanings out loud.

The examples are all statements that do not agree or disagree or give advice. They simply show that you understand her thoughts, and/or you understand her feelings, and you don't judge them. You are with her in her distress. She has a nonjudgmental, caring, understanding person to speak to. She is not alone.

If you don't quite get her thoughts or feelings right, she has the opportunity to correct you. If she does correct you, then you just reflect back the correction.

For example:

Her: He never washes the f--ing dishes!

You: You sound really angry with him right now.

Her: Not angry, just frustrated.

You: You are incredibly frustrated that he didn't wash the dishes tonight.

Again, you show her that you understand and accept without agreeing, disagreeing, advising, or judging. You simply are with her in her distress. She has a nonjudgmental, caring, understanding person to speak to. She is not alone.

That's perfect advice! Thank you for that. I admit I am terrible at Active Listening. I get emotional with the information she is sharing with me and I just react to that. That's not good for either of us.

What if you have a conversation with her about that? You might acknowledge that because you love her you get emotional and speak out of that emotion. You know that it is a problem and you are going to work on listening in a different way. You could ask her to help you by kindly reminding you if you start to get judgmental.

For example, one way she could help you is to use a reminder word. The reminder word should be something light or silly or a private word that both of you find enjoyable. Let's say that the reminder word is Butterfly. If you start to speak out of emotion, she can use that word. For example:

Her: He never washes the f--ing dishes!

You (upset): I told you he is no good!

Her (kindly): That is a real butterfly.

You: I'm sorry.

Just an idea. But I think that the concept of asking her to her to help you out in becoming a better listener is well worth considering.

[QUOTE=Always Hurting;5244262]

There is a program called al-anon for family and friends of alcoholics. You might want to google it. It may be useful to you.

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Why suggesting al anon if she says her daughter neither drinks nor do drugs? And she doesn't know if the BF drinks. I belonged to al anon for long time and the requirement Is your family or friends have substance abuse issue. She never said her daughter is an alcoholic

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Sorry for the confusion.

The OP is not sure if the boyfriend has a problem with drugs or alcohol.

The 3rd tradition states "The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or a friend".

Since the OP can not state conclusively that the boyfriend does not have a problem of alcoholism it may be useful to her. For example I attend a parents meeting where I get to hear many parents stories about their adult children. Some of the adult children also have problems with mental illness.

I don't know of any other group like that.

Perhaps some has a better idea?

I would let her go and learn her lesson. It must hurt watching her blow her money on this lazy guy but she'll learn.

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I think Bill has a great idea of practicing active listening.

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[QUOTE=leomama;5244696]Thank you. I think the boyfriend is just spoiled by his parents and never made to be a responsible adult. He'd rather sit at home and play video games. He has never had to grow up.

I am very familiar with alcoholism and drug abuse so I'm pretty certain neither of these are his problems. But I do appreciate the information you gave me.

No I am CERTAIN that my daughter does not drink or do drugs. Her father was an alcoholic/drug user so she remembers the dysfunction in our home when she was very young. Which is why I chose to raise her on my own after the divorce. So because of this she is totally against drinking or using drugs.

Yes it hurts me deeply but I do know that I cannot control her decision making. She will have to deal with whatever consequences that come from the choices she makes.

Yes that is the perfect idea. I'm seriously going to work very hard at doing that with her. I know I fail at this with her all the time. I start off being a really good listener but then the stuff she tells me just becomes overwhelming. Then I start asking why the guy isn't working? Why is she supporting him? Why isn't she planning better and saving her money? So I guess to her it is an interrogation. I just don't understand why she would want to live the way she does with a guy who doesn't even respect her. And the whole living together for free at his parents house is something I have never agreed with. She knows I've always raised her to work hard, treat people with respect, and pay her own way. Once she met this guy at the University she changed so much for the worst. I continue to remind myself that I am powerless over her but it is still hard to deal with.

Thank you for that! You are right. She doesn't see it yet but hopefully one day she will.

I am so glad to hear it and never doubted it. I just couldn't figure out why someone suggest you go to al anon when you already said that none of the involved parties have the issue. Seems very non sequential or projecting.


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If she wants to support a gigolo, that's her business. You don't really have to step back or withdraw from her. You don't have to pretend to like this guy either. Just stop telling her what you think he should be doing. That's not for you to figure out. Be polite toward him. That's all you owe your daughter.

Don't, in any way, enable the situation . . . like by giving her money. Invite her for Sunday dinner now and then. If she brings the boyfriend, feed him too. Expect that he acts courteously toward you and expect nothing more. Don't ask what he's done about finding a job. That's his business. If he's sponging off your daughter, that's her business.

In your situation, my fervent prayer would be simply, "Dear Lord, please let her not get pregnant anytime soon." Hopefully, before that happens, she will get sick of this guy leeching off her. When she complains to you about this guy, you might say: "Sweetheart, I agree with you that he's not a good catch. I happen to think you could do better for yourself. But, if you want to hang on to him, that's up to you."

A few things come to mind. The bum she is living with probably gives her good feelings coupled with low expectations. She likely feels capable and in control with him.

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the effect having an alcoholic (and absent) father had on your daughter. The fact that she now has a resident, omni-present boyfriend who is dependent on her for his support, says a lot.

I agree with Rose for the most part. If you need to interact with this man, be polite and nothing more. But I would also suggest you not in any way encourage your daughter to take on more debt: schools are far too quick to encourage young people to take on massive debt. This is a mistake in my opinion. So if you had the chance to encourage your daughter one way or the other, I'd suggest the other. Example: Daughter says, "I don't know whether to take out another school loan, or to extend my education a year by going part time." If my daughter said that to me, I'd say: "I would extend my education; a year goes by quickly, a debt can take many years to pay off." I think that is appropriate parenting; you are offering wisdom that your daughter, because of her developmental stage, does not yet have. Legally she is an adult; but her brain, and her judgment, are still developing, believe it or not, until she is about 25 or so.

If it comes to pass that she decides she is done supporting a bum, you could be ready with information and an offer for a happy and successful transition back to your home for the time it takes her to finish school near you: She could live with you for no or reduced rent and attend the XYZ school close to you (assuming this is possible), for example. I would not offer a place for him; if she wants to move back and he is part of the deal, then he has to find his own place to live.

One last thought. "Active listening" can sound a lot like an interrogation, and is especially dependent on tone of voice. "You're angry he doesn't do the dishes!" You're ANGRY he doesn't do the dishes?!?!? YOU'RE angry HE doesn't do the dishes??!?! I much prefer thoughtful listening; which is a whole lot more listening and a whole lot less parroting what the speaker says. "I'm so angry Lazy Larry doesn't do the dishes!" (silence. Let her sentence lie there and let her think about it.) Only if she asks for advice do you comment. "What should I do?!?!" Answer: "Paper plates, eating out, equitable division of duties--there are lots of solutions to problems, dear."

I'd also buy and send her a copy of Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's very illuminating and she can pick and choose what she takes from it.

I wish you and your dear daughter the very best.