One-sided Friendships

In recent months, I have found all of my friendships are becoming extremely one-sided, with me being the only person to put any effort into the relationships.

Part of the problem is that everyone has much busier lives than me, given that I am only mentally capable of working about 15hrs per week right now whilst I sort out my medication. But I am now finding that people who once were great about answering messages are now not responding at all.

I try to make plans to see people, but plans either never get made because the other party is "too busy", or else plans that miraculously get made are cancelled at the last minute by the other person.

I have tried explaining to the people involved that I am feeling lonely and abandoned by their lack of response, and I either get a curt "suck it up/put on your big boy undies/welcome to adulthood" message in return, or I get ignored.

Apparently this is a "normal" adulthood relationship scenario, but I call bologna. I see adults all the time who are capable of sending a reply to a message within a reasonable amount of time, and even my parents and their friends make time for each other on a regular basis (typically an evening every 4-6 weeks, which is realistically all I'm wanting from most of these people).

I'm just feeling really abandoned and am having a difficult time coping with it right now...

May I ask what kind of therapy you are in if any?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

DBT/CBT with a therapist who is pushing for me to get off meds (so am currently looking for another therapist who will hopefully be a better match, but sadly there are few to choose from around here, and even fewer who are covered by my insurance)

Have you tried using interpersonal effectiveness skills in this situation. I'm studying the unhelpful thinking habits. I'm guessing maybe you're doing some magnifying , filtering , catastrophic thinking , and black and white thinking here. What do you think?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Definitely B&W thinking, though am trying to see the middle ground. However, there have been several instances where plans with a few particular people have been cancelled last minute, only to later see on facebook that they went out with other people instead. So yes, that definitely leads to me latching on to it as "proof" of them no longer wanting to spend time with me, but I feel as though even a neurotypical individual might feel similarly if they were in my shoes?

I've actually deactivated facebook now for that very reason, as well as realizing it has become a very toxic environment for me in general.

I'm socially awkward and have this problem myself sometimes. I invite someone to do something or to meet up and they are often busy. I try to take things into perspective and give it some time and offer again.

Recently I had to do that, and then on the second offer we had a grand time and I was sent a follow up email. I found out during the meet-up that she has social awkwardness too and is so busy she forgets until someone reminds her of things.

I am learning to balance my needs for connection to people and the reality of people's availability. Also to quiet the gremlins in my head that like to attack me when I feel rejected and tell me it's all my fault, and I'm horrible, and no one likes me etc. They are just echos of bad people in the past and have nothing to do with here and now.

Relationships are so hard, I don't even understand a fraction of them yet. I wish you luck

When you say neurotypical do you mean you have a personality disorder or have autism? Sorry I forgot which forum this was in!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I can relate to this!

Thanks Brazen.

I guess it frustrates me more, because I have always been one to make time for anyone who has needed me, for anything at all, but have never once received it in return. I don't expect people to make time for me all the time, but once in a while really doesn't feel like that much to ask for?

Example: a group of about 5 of us used to have "wine night" (I would DD because I am usually on meds that I cannot consume alcohol while taking, and I live the farthest away from the friend whose house we go to, so it makes sense for me to pick up/drop off anyone who plans to drink on my way there/back) on a monthly basis. Then shortly after I lost my living arrangement and had to move (not far, and still where it is no problem to DD still because everyone is still on my way), wine night suddenly stopped. I tried to get the group to make plans for something, whether it was wine night at N's house, or going out to grab a bite to eat, even if it was just one or two of the group and not the whole crew, and I stopped getting responses. I recently found out (during a conversation with one of the wine night regulars) that they have been having wine night and not inviting me, but nobody wanted to say anything TO me about it.

Another example: good friend moved her horse to a different barn. Better environment for her young horse, and her coach runs her lesson string out of the barn so is more readily available for help in horse's training. I am unable to go to this barn due to the manager disliking me due to my affiliation with someone she has history with, so I cannot go to visit her at her barn. According to her, my inability to go to her barn means that I am "unwilling to put any effort into our friendship" and that I am "just mad at her for moving". No, I am not mad at her for moving, in fact I am THRILLED that she finally moved her horse to a more appropriate facility for what he needs (my barn just isn't set up for a young off-the-track thoroughbred), and tell her so often. But now because I do not go to her barn on a regular basis (because the manager has told me multiple times that I am not allowed on the property due to my affiliation with the other person), she has started treating me very differently. This is a friend who I frequently would pick up on my way to the barn in bad weather so that she didn't have to ride her scooter in the wind/rain (because she would refuse to do so for safety reasons, but then moan and groan about not going out to see her horse. Plus, doing so allowed me to spend time with her anyways), who I switched my work week around so that I could help her move when she bought her condo, and whose horse I cold hosed/rebandaged after he had an accident and her work schedule wouldn't allow her to get out to the barn in the daylight to do it herself. But now I am a "bad friend" because I literally cannot go visit her at her new barn?

BPD and schizoaffective disorder

Got it!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Communication is key (from my limited understanding of relationships) Saying how you feel and listening to how others feel is important.

Take the horse barn issue, you perceive she does not understand your reasoning for not wanting to go to the new barn but have you told her why?

I know it hurts when people stop inviting you to places, I've had that happen to me. Even recently knowing that they are driving right by my house to another friends house to have fun I am not invited to hurts. I have come to accept the hurt and feeling of rejection. Life is half hurt, and people change. I try to focus on creating new things and changing myself.

I deleted facebook too. Being that artificially connected 24/7 I found unhealthy. My relationships improved when I focused on face to face interactions and spending quality time alone.

I'm sorry your going through this

I've definitely told her many many times why I cannot go visit her at her barn. In fact, until she talked to the manager about moving her horse there, she was banned for the exact same reason! The only reason they allowed her to move her horse there is that they are very desperate these days to fill the barn, and since she pays her board in full and on time, they allowed her back. But it is my understanding that she can be kicked out at any time if they see fit, so I would assume they aren't exactly happy to have her back either. But it's nearly impossible to make money in the horse industry, so money talks!

I actually had a discussion last night with the horse friend, about how I have been feeling rejected and like I am putting all the effort into our friendship, and she flipped it around and made me the villain, again because of me not visiting. I told her that if she were to go for a ride off property and around the block,i would meet her and her horse and go for a walk with them, but she gave me a bunch of excuses as to why that won't work. Sigh.

If you are seeing a therapist, I would recommend talking with them about this. I'm very sorry you're feeling so much pain. All you can do is change yourself and how you address things and I truly believe you have a lot to offer as a friend if only you could see that it's not just about what YOU give and what YOU do for people that makes a friendship but what is shared.

I'm replying to this thread although I'm not sure how helpful it will be. I'm writing from the other end of the situation here. .

I have two different friends who, like you, complain that "all" their friendships are "one sided" and complain about how much they do for everyone and yet are not valued and get nothing in return. One friend is lost now...sad and unnecessary.

From the lost friend, I received nothing but complaints about my being an inadequate friend, what a bad person I am for declining her spontaneous invitations, or various other invitations (some of which I simply couldn't afford, and said so) On many occasions I was stalked by her on social media where she made up a story for herself in which we were all conspiring against her and not inviting her, which was not the case at all. Once she saw on social media that I invited someone over for dinner and concluded that I had a party and didn't invite her. "Thanks for the invite," she posted on my photo. Then private messages berating me for not inviting her. What she didn't realize is that it was far from a party, but a spontaneous visit from a friend who had no kitchen that night due to plumbing issues. "Well it looked like more fun than that!"

Between all the berating and complaints about myself, I was told how much I was loved and valued for all my great qualities and that she needed to spend time with me because she needed me as a sounding board for her seemingly endless social issues and complaints about other people. When I eventually did make it to hang out with her, I was so resentful about being told what a jerk I am for not making it to hang out with her more often, and that I owed her some time for being so unavailable all the time, it felt like I was there only to prove my friendship and feed her insecurities. Many visits were occupied by the drama she wanted me to weigh in on and help her through it because I made her feel better. At no time was I asked how I was doing, why I wasn't able to afford to go the restaurant she was dying for me to try. She didn't even know I was laid off my job because every interaction with her was saturated with....her...her needs, her losses, her pain, her other "bad" friends, her in laws, her husband. There was no exchange. She once gave me a TV at the end of our visit. I appreciated it... but I knew it wasn't free. Sure enough.....that TV came to bite me! Another time she happened to text me while I was at the ER with a broken foot and she insisted on picking me up. I felt bad, I was ready to call a taxi. I appreciated the ride. She saw it as investing into more of my time! And because of all these things, I was reminded of how indebted to her I was. She created this vibe.

The other friend who I still have.. is way more reasonable and respectful and I'm able to continue the friendship because of healthy boundaries and I actually think the friendship is more meaningful because of it. She was telling everyone who would listen about my messy apartment, how I never called her or invited her to things but on numerous occasions she would spoil the experience by being way too high maintenance.. for example, she would insist on being a "nature lover" and wanted to join on one of my excursions. She was uncomfortable the whole time and wanted to leave early. Waste of time and money.. So I learned the limits and things got better, although not as frequent as she wanted it to be.

I'm not saying that you are just like either of these people but it's important to simply have a good time with people. Do not be drawn into the idea that winning friends by doing favors is going to work.

Please explore the forum on attachment and talk with your therapist. I really hope you find some balance in your friendships. I'm sorry if my sharing was hurtful or triggering.

Take care,
Lele

LeLe--- Thanks for providing a different "filter." Very helpful. It's very difficult, but we have to be able to see a problematic relationship from both sides.

Expectations are everything. You can't expect from a person what they can't give or don't want to give.

When a relationship is difficult for both sides, maybe it's just not meant to be. Is letting go ever an option? I think so.

Could co-dependency be the issue? It's painful.