[fairydustgirl]

So. the guy I have been talking to since March, with a month break, and I are talking again. which makes me a lot happier. I saw him on Sunday and we talked more, he opened up to me more about the last 20 years, more or less. So that makes me understand where he is a little better and some idea of why he has achieved some of his milestones so late. (college at 38, career at 40). He did have a long term relationship (14 yrs) but is the type of person who doesn't believe a piece of paper is necessary to prove his love. Their relationship did not end very well. So. He had given me the reason ' he couldn't give me what I wanted' as why he broke up with me for a while. Not that he'd asked in the first place so I clarified my expectations. care, attention and affection. nothing more. I don't want to get married and have babies and all that other stuff. well, love might be a nice thing to have Sunday I asked him what was it he wanted. His goal is to be debt free by 50 (he's 42).
He works 3 jobs about 75 hrs a week. He owns a home that requires yard work etc. He has elderly disabled parents as well (dad had a stroke, mom has alz) that he takes care of by himself. A challenge in itself, I took care of my alz mother in law nearly by myself and it caused me to have a breakdown. So this is why he has so little time for me. We have generally only been together for a day or so once a month. It's not a lot.

So I guess on the one hand, it's an admirable goal to want to be debt free, but as a woman in her 50s who divorced a man in his 50s because of his workaholicism, abandonment and neglect...I can see I found someone just like my X. funny thing is, I didn't choose him! He pursued me in the beginning. I did ask him about the dating site thing and why he got on it when he had so little time. apparently he had been on it for a while and he did have time on his hands and was not having good luck finding women who he could be happy with. so he made this decision to find more work about the time he met me. which sucks for me I guess. we had just started talking in March and he had already applied and gotten accepted for job number 3 by early April.

It's disappointing because I really like him. I'd really like to be with him more but I can see why that isn't going to happen. I also see him burning himself out and finding at the end of that time, when he is debt free, that he is alone. I want to tell him, he needs to live life now, he is so young! money is important for sure, but it is a tool. money can't hug you or kiss you, money can't listen to you when you need to talk to someone, money won't be there for you if you go to the hospital to have surgery and wake up...with no one there. It's just really sad. I know this because my X figured this out when I made the decision to leave. He has cried to me over all the time he has lost with his family, me and my kids. because he chose work over us. I hate to see this new friend go through that too. because I feel certain he will at some point in 10 years go "what did I do with my life?" why did I make working my whole life?"

I guess this is where being a little older comes in handy, that you have some perspective on what's important in life. at least we hope!! I just wish there was a way I could convey that to him. however, he has the same personality type as my X did and I know from THAT experience that there is no way I could ever deliver this message and have it known.

I feel really disappointed in letting myself get so attached to someone that is so clearly wrong for me. I feel disappointed in the fact that what I had hoped for over time is not going to happen. He is not going to magically fall in love with me and change his plans for me. basically because he followed his heart with another woman instead of following his own dreams as a young man, and after 14 years of hoping she would be the person he thought she was, now he has a much harder heart and bigger walls around it. I am a terribly sensitive person and this is just too much for me. I know he likes me a lot, but not enough to be the attentive loving person I need in my life. and I on the other hand, need to harden my heart a little.

it's just so freakin sad. and I sit here in tears, not because anything bad happened, but because I know it's not going to be any better. walking away is so hard and I don't want to do it. I wish I was one of those people who doesn't care so much about others. but I'm not. I care too much for everyone. even if it doesn't get reciprocated. I still care.

eh, I'll figure my stuff out, I always seem to.

on a different note though, I took a muscle relaxer the other day and now my moods are being compromised...I was terribly irritable yesterday and now super sad today. let's hope my psych meds can even this out. I had a different disappointment this week as well, the house deal I was going through fell through so I have to start looking again. Oh. the other thing, I did meet a man out the other night and he was so effin creepy that I left when he went to move his car. I definitely was listening to my gut that time! he has no way of contacting me so that is good. I feel pretty weirded out about that experience too.

I decided this morning that I need to refocus my attention on me again. I have plenty I can be doing, I have a lot to be thankful for, and I really don't need a man to be a happy person. they are sometimes kind of nice to have around that's all.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling. Have you explored in therapy your attraction to men who aren't really available? Although you maybe don't consciously seek them, there is a reason you attract them. You maybe think you didn't choose him but subconsciously you probably did. When I look back on to my relationship with men every man ( except my new husband who is kind of other extreme in a sense) were clones of each other: very successful in their careers workaholics with some other issues that would made them unavailable ( obsession with sports or extreme hobbies etc). Pretty much cloned of my dad. Seeing a t helped me to get to the bottom of it, wish I didn't wait until 48 to seek therapy

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[fairydustgirl]

thank you Divine...I have been in therapy since 2007 after my breakdown and diagnosis of bipolar disorder..at age 43! It has been a mighty struggle just to figure myself out since then, it's an ongoing thing. I spent 30 years with an emotionally unavailable man, I am guessing I keep going with what I am familiar or comfortable with? not that I was every happy with it, it just was what I know.

The guy I have been talking about, could not possibly be any more like my X if I had tried. he's just better at sex.
they have the same MBTI label, which just happens to also be the worst combination with mine of the whole list (estj and infj) ...he has the same job my X did when we met decades ago, we are long distance, part of what contributed to the demise of my marriage...all the physical separation.he's very obviously a workaholic, like my X. his mother has ALZ, as did my mother in law.

I have asked myself numerous times, what is it about this one man that has me hooked, and I swear I can't figure out the answer. I walked away from him in April for a week, we hadn't even seen each other but twice at that point. and I couldn't stay away. when he broke things off in June, I didn't text or email or any of those things, I let it lie...but I missed him terribly all the same. after that month I did send him a short message wishing him well and to stay safe (he is a police officer and the Dallas shooting had just occurred) we emailed back and forth and agreed to text again just to see how things went and within 4 days of us texting each other again, he was right back where we left off. he falls short of saying he loves me, but does call me lover.

anyway, I know he is right, he can't give me what I want, I wish he had been honest about that months ago. perhaps he didn't realize it either at the time.

I have had a couple of emotional affairs over time while I was married, the first one was part of my undiagnosed illness...so that pattern of being with unavailable men is probably there from a while back because I was not available either. now that I am physically available, I don't know how to attract someone else who is emotionally available. but someone mentioned another time that perhaps I am not emotionally available either and therefor keep attracting these same types of men.
A lot to ponder

I really appreciate your perspective on things, thank you!

I know things will be ok, things always find a way of working out. just don't know what the final outcome will look like.

[divine1966]

My t says that we respond to what's familiar, usually from the family of origin. Also we probably aren't emotionally available ourselves and that's why we attracted people of the same kind. I was always one foot out in my first marriage and every relationship. I also ended every single relationship. I just got married and I hope I won't want out this time. He is available but I am also more emotionally available now

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[fairydustgirl]

oh yes, my parents put the dys in the word dysfunction...at the moment, they live in the same house but in separate bedrooms...the tales I could tell. nothing violent but a LOT of arguing, stonewalling, cheating, swinging, drinking...you name it they probably did it.
one of the marriage counselors my X and I saw told us we had recreated HIS parent's marriage...which wasn't much better than my parents' and definitely colder.

It makes complete sense that we would gravitate to what is familiar to us. Well, I don't plan to get married again, if I did he'd have to be able to at least match what I have now financially. I was what is called a 20/20/20 wife so I have good military benefits I won't give up for just anyone.

[xRavenx]

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. I know how hard it can be to get attached to the wrong person, and I'm struggling with that now. I also have a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable people....or just thinking I can "make" someone fall harder for me over time, when really I set myself up for disappointment. I ask myself why I'm so hung up on my most recent ex and even my ex before him. A lot of people would run the other way since they have a lot of issues that most wouldn't be willing to take on in a relationship. It's difficult once I'm emotionally invested in the person, but I try to remind myself it is not too late to work on detaching and keeping in mind that these signs all point to the fact that it just isn't the right partner. In your case, it sounds like your goals are different from his, which poses challenges, and it's hard parting ways for you especially since you invested a lot into the relationship.

Time really does heal in situations like this. You'll gain clarity over time, and remember to take care of your own needs. Neglecting them is dangerous territory, especially for those of us with Bipolar Disorder. You aren't expected to have all the answers yet, but take it one day at a time. Hope this helps even if it's just a little bit. I can relate to a lot of this, and it's definitely not easy.
((HUGS))

[fairydustgirl]

So, I decided to continue to meet other people and I have been out with a new guy a couple of times...I have pretty much decided I don't really click with him though. (he uses the F word and b!tch a lot, I'm really not into the whole cursing thing...I get this odd feeling he's actually a little angry with women, he's 39 and divorced and its just a few comments he made) The thing is, on the day of the first date, my friend, (may as well give him an initial M) was randomly texting me and saying he missed me (and being suggestive)...and again, yesterday when I saw the new guy later in the evening, M texted me a few times during the day, said good night baby. All I could think of was how much I want M. and I sit here now thinking of him, listening to songs, feeling weepy and I just want HIM. ugh. I have it bad!! He still likes me a lot, I know he thinks about me a lot, whether or not we can make an actual relationship out of this I just don't know.
Crazy me, I felt like I was cheating on M by being with this other guy and it feels like crap.
Weird as hell as it is, and I know it is most of all in my mind, my heart seems to be set on M. He still says good morning to me, still calls me lover, says goodnight to me, tells me he wants me and misses me. There is some kind of message from him like that every day.

I'm sorry to keep this up with you guys, I haven't really anyone else to talk to about it. Yeah I have a therapist but I don't really talk about this love life stuff with her too much, to be honest, I keep this part out of therapy.

I am trying to keep things light with M, no pressure, because I want to keep him in my life, but it is really really hard not just saying it out that I am in love with him. Because that's pretty much the conclusion I have come to. I don't have a solution, I guess I'm not sure there really is one. I'm just hoping that maybe M will decide that he misses me enough to decide to make a better place for me in his life. And I absolutely know just how pathetic and stupid that sounds. I just haven't felt this good with someone as I do when I am with him.

Thanks for listening you guys. Why do hearts have to be so stubborn and illogical?

[divine1966]

My t says the strongest chemistry we might feel is for wrong people because our bodies and minds respond to familiar: unhealthy familiar. It explains crazy attraction to wrong people

I recommend to not avoid this topic in therapy if you want to stop going for men who feel good but can't give you happiness

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[fairydustgirl]

I spent the day with M yesterday and he was more open, and affectionate with me than he had been before, I felt like he was including me in his life more, that he was letting me in. He talked about his clients at the group home, and his parents and plans he has for his house. There was a lot more affectionate touching and kisses. I see him needing a lot of time to be that comfortable and boy has it been a lot of time! It was something that had bothered me before, but I really didn't say a lot about it to him before, I just thought I would be patient and see how things would go. It really was a very nice day and I hated to say goodbye..he said, it's not goodbye, its until next time.

I've come to the conclusion that I want to try and not be so crazy emotional (hard to do I know) and just try to enjoy him and be the fun person that I know I can be so he can enjoy spending time with me. I need to stop putting pressure on myself and him to 'be' something. How about just being good company for one another?