Confused on Choosing Wife or Mistress

First off, it seems like I already know the answer to my question. Leave both woman, they deserve MUCH better.

I had an affair for over 3 years with a co-worker. However the woman I was having an affair with had no idea I was married and living with my wife and child. She did know I was married, but working on divorce papers and separated from 'wife' Somehow I was able to lie about this for 3 years straight. She's 5 years younger than me.

3 years before I started my affair I seen flirtatious emails from my wife and her co-worker who worked at another office. This was upsetting and saddened me, but she claims nothing happened and even wanted to do a lie detector test to prove me wrong, because I threaten to leave. That could have been the perfect opportunity to leave, even before that I tried breaking up but she got the whole family involved and made me the bad guy. I was a low point in my life; I was not in shape, bad grooming, dressed horribly, lazy, etc...a few years later we had a son and married.

In 2014 I landed a lucrative 6 figure job that instantly boosted my self esteem and changed my life. I went from 0 to 100, REALLY QUICK. I became a gym rat, focused on health and diet and changed my whole appearance. With all that said. I just moved to a far away city recently for a even better position, my affiar finally had enough of not ever meeting my parents, going to my house, hanging out on the weekends, etc...and we broke up a month after I left. She said I never made her priority. I was scared of getting caught by wife, so I declined all dates and made countless excuses. As beautiful as the girl is, she basically didnt do much from 19-22, as far as socializing and going out. She mainly stayed at home. As beautiful as she is, there would be a line of millioniares who will marry her in a heart beat. I was happy and but upset she called it quits but was becoming more of a family man. However all trips and vacations, I made sure I invited a lot more family. I never had fun with just her, i fell miserable but yet calm and comfortable if that makes sense. I do feel like a jerk for taking this prime years from here but she had many opportunities to go out with girls from work.

Then just last week, I went on social mediia and quickly became infatuated with my ex again after seeing her pics. I text her and bent over backwards to get her back. I lied more and more to her to gain her back. Now that she's back, she's telling me she loves me again and wants to move in, she wants to start a business and become an actress . My wife is not that attractive, but the woman I had an affair with is a complete bombshell. She's smart, beautiful, sexy and classy. I married young and was never really attracted to my wife. I just cant imagine not waking up to my kid everyday. Our kid is 2 and sleeps in the same bed. I love my wife because she takes care of me and is the best mom ever, she also takes care of my grandparents. She's a great cook and wife, but I do not want to be seen with her in public, I get embarrassed. She's not even ugly, I'm just an idiot who expects a trophy wife.

My mom left me when I was only 4 but I dont have mommy issues. I seen her before she passed a few dozen times. I'm 27 btw. I would even admit of having sex with over 15 woman I met online when I was dating my wife at the time. I'm a horrible person. Even though I had low self esteem at the time, I was sorta blessed with good looks but lacked any swag. I did the online dating and hooking up because it was a thrill but never wanted to have a relationship with any of these woman. I lied to them, in my eyes they were not the one night type but i lied and lied.

What should I do? Need advice

Hello MichiganDave: Well... what I can tell you is that I am an older man. And many years ago, I became involved in some stuff not all that much different from what you describe here. It all haunts me to this day. I don't know what to tell you about this. The Skeezyks generally prefers to leave the advice giving to other members here on PC.

The first thing I would suggest is to see a therapist asap. (There's no time to waste here.) Find an objective mental health professional you can work with... someone who can help you figure out why it is you got yourself into this mess to begin with; & someone with whom you can figure out where to go from here. Looking back on my experience, I think one of the problems I had was I had no one to talk to about what I was doing. Back then people just didn't go to therapists. And I had no friends or relatives I could talk to. I was simply at the mercy of forces I did not understand at that age... some internal... some external.

This is a situation that is likely to end poorly no matter what. (And I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do. That is for you to decide.) What's done is done. There's no erasing it. Beyond seeing a therapist, from my perspective, I think what needs to happen here is for you to make a decision one way or another... and stick with it. If you can, try to project yourself into the future & imagine how you will feel years from now about the decision you're about to make. If you can, let that be your guide.

Once you've made your decision, don't look back. Don't reconsider. If you find yourself vacillating, tell yourself: "Nope... that decision has already been made." And then press on. Again from my personal perspective, one of the worst things you can do here is to keep vacillating... to keep going back-&-forth. Remember you're dealing with other peoples' lives here. However, one way or another, make an end of it all... as soon as you can. But also be prepared for the fact that you will have to live with the consequences of your decision for the rest of your life... as will others who are involved. You've made your bed, as the saying goes. Now you must lie in it. That's all I can say.

By the way, I don't know if you've thought about this. But since you've rekindled your relationship with this young woman, should you decide to break it off with her again, & she finds out about your real marital status she could well retaliate by contacting your wife & informing her with regard to what's been going on. Were that to occur, you likely would be abandoned by both women; which would be one way of accomplishing just what you mentioned to begin with... leaving both women... or in this scenario being dumped by both women.

Good luck...

Seriously you are ashamed of your wife because she is not attractive enough to take in public, Amazing that you would think of her that way, Why did you marry her and have a child, It sounds like you are very superficial and I think you should divorce your wife and let her find some one that loves her unconditionally, That is not being fair to her, She deserves to be happy and trully wanted, Do you keep her around so you dont have to pay Alimony and Child Support, And not to mention she gets half of every thing, I think if a person is Ugly on the inside that makes there outside Ugly, What are you going to do when that woman your seeing srarts getting older and losing her looks, Are you going to leave her also, Your also going to lose your looks, We dont stay young forever and we all get old and lose our looks, My advice is that I hope both of the women find out about you and find true love

Frankly you deserve neither of the two of them.

I would tell them both the truth.

I wouldn't say leave them both. I would be more apt to say "free" them from you deceitful and arrogant ways.

Michigan Dave,

If you're asking us for advice about which woman to choose in your dilemma, I don't know if we can help you there.

If you ARE able to see that your behavior is incredibly destructive both to yourself and others, I would like to encourage you to seek therapy and try to understand why you seem to be predisposed to cultivating such deceit and pain among people you claim to love and care about. At the moment, you seem to be a predator.

I was involved with a Sadistic Narcissist, and I'm not saying that you are a Narcissist but it might be worth exploring. This quiz is from here on Psych Central Narcissistic Personality Inventory - Psych Central

If you really do care about these people, you need to stop engaging them in your sickness right now.

This post deserves a trigger icon so if you can add it, that would be great.

-Lele

Frankly I think you need to fess up to both - and leave them both.

Get into therapy. Fess up to both women that you are a louse. Do NOT get involved with any more women until you figure out how to treat them with honor and respect. Take care of your wife and child financially after divorce; you owe them both.

Yours is a really tough situation. Nobody is going to come out of this very happy, whatever you decide - not you, not your wife, not the "other woman."

While I would agree with you that your behavior has not been admirable, I would not absolve the women of responsibility, either. Each of them is pretending to be a lot stupider than any wonan ever is. Each of them is enabling what you are doing for reasons of their own that are not too honorable.

At some level your wife knows that you are not in love with her. Some men who fool around on the side do actually love their wives. You may care about her welfare, but I don't believe you are "in love" with your wife, or even feel particularly close to her. IMHO, it's impossible for a woman in her position not to know that her marriage is somewhat of a sham. Yet, she wants to keep it going. I don't have a lot of respect for that - two year old child not withstanding.

As for the girl who's 5 years younger than you, no one is as dumb as she's pretending to be. She remains ignorant of what she chooses to not know. Three years is a long time. The only secrets you have from her are the ones she is letting you have.

Normally, I don't believe in confessing infidelity to a spouse you are not sure you want to leave. About your case, I feel differently. This, to me, seems like a conspiracy of silence that all three of you are participating in. The healthiest thing now, I think, would be for you all to stop the petending. So, though I rarely advise this, I would encourage you to sit down with your wife and say, "Let's you and me talk about what is, and isn't, real about our marriage." Don't be overly quick to say. "Yeah, I know I'm a rat." Hang back on that, and give your wife room to formulate and express her own mind. You might get surprised. She might say something like, "Well, I kind of thought sonething like this was going on." Like I said, I think she has been more of a willing participant in this farce than you have any idea. Give her space to "show her hand." You might learn something. Maybe she'll be all shocked and say she wants you out of her life. And maybe not. Give yourself a chance to discover what really goes on inside of her head. Whatever decision the two of you come to about the marriage, your child deserves to live in a home where life is not based on complete phoniness - on both your parts. The marriage just might survive.

As for this gorgeous gal whom a dozen millionaires would line up to marry: There's a reason why she's foregoing all that she could find elsewhere to hang on to you . . . . . . . and it's not because you are just so darned good-looking. The truth is that men who have a lot to offer are not lining up to get her because she has some major deficit that men, other than you, are savvy enough to recognize. She was content to do nothing much from age 19 to 22, and now she wants to start a business AND become an actress. Sorry, but she sounds like a child to me - a lazy child.

Here's what I've learned about life. People only get taken advantage of to the extent that they allow themselves to be. Let me put it another way: When you think you are getting away with pulling a fast one on somebody, and you've been doing it for quite a while, you're only getting away with it because they are letting you - for reasons of their own. You may be the most naiive member of this threesome. You say you make a 6 figure salary. What kind of wage could your wife command, if she had to get a job? She wouldn't be the first woman to hang on to a philandering husband because the living conditions were comfortable.

I think you should write for Penthouse. Is that magazine still around?

Wow you're so young! I'm older than you and I'm not even ready to settle down. I think you married her to keep her and family happy but what you're doing is wrong and you're hurting a lot of people here. Your child WILL find out when they're older. Is this the kind of stuff you want to leave in your wake? Smarten up, grow up, get therapy.

I really like what Rose76 said about all three in a "conspiracy of silence."

Your wife must realize that things aren't where they need to be? Strong marriages are strong. If there's friction it will show. She must not feel a sense of connection, herself? Is she just going through the motions of life after kids? That's what I like, as well about Rose's suggestion for a discussion.

The mistress must realize that you've"married man schedule"? Busy on the weekends, available on the weekdays.

Why ask a group of strangers what to do? Either way, it's a conundrum. Keep us posted.

I think this is all a load of garbage. Every bit of it sounds completely exaggerated and falsified. Who do you think you are, the Wolf of Wall Street?