Maternal Transference onto Wife

I am realising just how much maternal transference I am putting onto my wife right now, and wondered if anyone else did/had experienced similar?

Abused primarily emotionally, but also sexually, as a child by my mother, living in fear of my mother (now in her late 70s), I am now realising just how many of my current relationship problems are actually because there is a 3rd person in our marriage.

We have been together 18 years now, and I suspect there was an element of transference there from the beginning. However, until 6 years ago, we had a good friendship (long since celibate), genuinely enjoying each others company, loving each other.

While I can, in my mind, separate my wife from my mother, my primary reactions towards her are as to my mother. Will this ever end? It is causing both of us immense pain. She has her own problems, now being addressed in therapy, but it seems we are a constant trigger for each other.
Talking generally ends up in pain.

I am in therapy - EMDR, addressing childhood trauma.

While there is plenty written about transference within a therapeutic relationship, there is little about transference of a parent onto a spouse.

Hoping I am not alone...
Hoping this will sort itself out...

I do not want to throw away a relationship which was (I thought) good.
However this level of pain for both of us cannot go on.

Hello RoseofSharon: This is interesting. Honestly, I don't think I've ever really given this much thought... if any. My wife & I have been married for around 37 years. (Her accomplishment... not mine. I don't know how she's managed it!)

My parents have both been gone for years now. And, looking back, it's difficult to recollect how I interacted with, & reacted to, my mother. Thinking about it, it seems like I can recall my interactions with my father more than I can my mother. So I don't know as I could say to what extent how I interact with my wife is affected by how I interacted with my mother. (Maybe that's an indication that this influence wanes with the passage of time.)

I was an only child. One thing I do recall, is that I learned very early in life to be secretive. And I also developed a strong predilection for isolating myself. This only became stronger as I grew into my teenage years. And both my penchants for secretiveness & isolating have continued to loom large in my life down through the present time when I am now aging. From my perspective, I doubt we ever manage to free ourselves entirely from the parental-relationship experiences we have growing up.

Thanks for posting this. I enjoyed reading & replying to it.

RoseofSharon, I don't know exactly how to answer, but I do think about how my romantic relationships replicate my relationships with parents, just since therapists say we all do that. I'm not really sure with the current one, which is kind of new (a year).

It sounds like you're really aware of how doing it is causing difficulty for you, so I hope you're able to work it out with your wife. It seems like if you're aware of it, that should solve the problem... I hope it does for you.

Thank you, both.
I am certainly becoming more secretive, needing so much more space, as I get older.
My wife wants to make it work, wants us to stay together, but there is only so much anyone can take.
Being aware is helping, knowing where my strong reactions come from. However I can only talk to her if she is in a place herself where she she can listen without jumping in with her own stuff, or going on the defensive because of her own baggage.
As my therapist said, there is clearly a lot of transference in both directions.
Thanks again.

I hope you two are able to work this out, if it's in your best interests. Good luck with working through all of this.